A/N: the following material was written by Iniquitus The Third on the TvTropes (dattebayo!) All purpose Negima fanfiction thread. I'm posting it here for him since he doesn't have an account and he asked me to. Done with his permission.
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C.R.A.C.C. Dating Service
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Chapter 7: Dating Lives of Iniquitus the Third
Disclaimer: None of the characters here are mine. Hel, this time the whole segment doesn't belong to me! They're just being set up on weird dates for fun. ENJOY!
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Dating Lives of Emotionless Villians
Fate looked up at the man sitting opposite him, resplendent in his aged-up form. Why he wore clothes that looked bleached beyond all reason and makeup that looked distinctly tear-like was not really his place to ask. Certainly it didn't seem like he'd get an answer, from the intimidatingly blank look on his face.
Ulquiorra gazed levelly at the man sitting opposite him, resplendent in his Espada uniform. Why he wore some strange temple-boy uniform and had coloured his hair white was not really his place to ask. Certainly it didn't seem like he'd get an answer, with the oddly apathetic gaze he turned on Ulquiorra.
Then the waitress arrived.
"That's one K*nyan Ultraconcentrated coffee, and one Hueco Mundo mark tea for you, sirs."
At those words, Negi, hiding in the bushes, blanched, and began whimpering. Ichigo turned away from watching, wondering what had gotten to him.
Negi caught his eye.
"Run. Away. Very far away." He managed hoarsely.
-Later-
Fate took a drag on a cigarette in the hotel room. Beside him, Ulquiorra did likewise.
"Did you feel anything?"
"No. You?"
Fate's hand went up to cradle his chin in thought.
"Perhaps we have the wrong sort of cigarette?"
...
Dating Lives of Crazy Awesome Berserkers
Kenpachi grinned. This guy, he was a proper fighter. He hadn't even reacted when Kenpachi had stabbed him in the gut upon meeting him, other than to cheerfully inform him that he could 'Stab Him As Much As He Liked, And It Wouldn't Do A Damn Thing, Dammit'. Of course, Yachiru had caught sight of the list of desserts the cafe offered, and had insisted that he leave the place standing long enough for her to sample all of them.
Still, wasn't like he had no one to talk to.
"...And then, right, he hit me in the stomach with a sword, but I wasn't going to let that slow me down, even though my arm had been cut off with his scythe, and I lost the other one to his morningstar-nunchucks, so what I did was I kicked him in the stomach with my special technique-Rakan's Champion Hyper-Piledriver Kicksmash- and he..."
Bah. I woulda just cut him.
"Even though you'd have had no arms to hold your sword in, Ken-chan?"
Kenpachi didn't blink as Yachiru guessed his words perfectly. Crazy minds tended to think alike.
Then he turned his head. Yup, Yachiru was there, with a plethora of sweet-stains around her mouth and exactly the same temperament as usual. Really, he doubted anything less than distilled sugar would be capable of making her any more agitated. That meant that he was free to go...
"Hey, Jack, " Kenpachi interrupted the other man. "Care to go for a few rounds?"
Jack grinned. "Thought you'd never ask."
At those words, Ichigo, hiding in the bushes, blanched, and began whimpering. Negi turned away from watching, wondering what had gotten to him.
Ichigo caught his eye.
"Run. Away. Very far away." He managed hoarsely.
...
Dating Lives of Horribly Shy Girls
Hinata pushed her fingers together in a nervous gesture. She noticed this, stopped doing it, then realised that she had a nervous habit left over from her childhood days, and immediately started doing it again.
Orihime looked over at her. "Something the matter, Hinata-chan?", she asked cheerily.
"Uh, n-no, O-Ori-Orihime-san. I-I'm perfectly a-all right, ano..."
Nodoka looked awkwardly down at the menu. Sweet Negi Buns, Classic Naruto Ramen, Ichigo pie... Her brow, hidden behind her hair, furrowed slightly. Strange. She didn't remember fangirl/fanboy Japanese extending to food types.
==In the Kitchen==
Evangeline, Nagato and Urahara grinned to one another. They'd sat on this knowledge for the better part of their time in canon, and by God/Pain/Aizen they were going to milk it for all it was worth.
==Back Outside==
Both of her compatriots had by now lapsed into awkward silence, similarly scanning the menu, and had burst into positively neon-like blushes upon noticing the names of their respective crushes on it.
"U-um, Hinata-san? D-do you know anyone by the name of 'Naruto'?", Nodoka hesitantly asked, guessing as best she could.
In the bushes, Sakura clamped her hands over Naruto's ears.
"...Yes."
Nodoka swallowed. "A-and Orihime-san, would you happen to know someone by the name of 'Ichigo'?"
It didn't seem plausible that Orihime's blush could get any deeper, but somehow she managed it.
In the bushes, Sakura's hands went away from Naruto's ears, just as Rukia's turned Ichigo temporarily deaf.
"Um, maybe? Sorta? Kinda? Yes?"
Hinata had put two and two together by now.
"Th-then would you, Nodoka-chan, m-might you know someone called 'Negi'?"
Rukia released Ichigo, just in time for Asuna clap her hands over Negi's ears. "Yes!", Nodoka squeaked out.
The three girls looked awkwardly at each other, having effectively gone through several hundred chapters of characterisation in one supremely uncomfortable round.
Then they all stood in unison, making hurried excuses as to having 'things to do, you know', and left the plaza.
In the bushes, Asuna returned her hands to her sides. Negi, Naruto and Ichigo, having been rendered immune to noticing such things after respectively three hundred, five hundred, and four hundred chapters of such things, rose, shrugged at each other, and stood to finish the untouched meals of the girls. No sense in letting things go to waste, now, right?
"I am sick to death of having to prolong things like this. Can't they just get the romance over and done with, then get back to punching each other?", Sakura griped.
"Hey, least I got Chisame to fill in for me for the last parts. I don't know how you managed this for as long as you have, Sakura, " replied Asuna.
"You think you have it bad? I got ten more years of this. TEN FREAKING YEARS, " Rukia complained.
"Pfft, like it'll be much more than a week in actual time, " Asuna sniped.
"Oh, bite me, miss 'I'm-really-much-older-than-I-look', 'older-guys-are-totally-OSM', " Rukia grumbled.
"Oi, lay off the arguments. You know I hate trying heal you two after I'm done calming you down. It gives me a headache, " Sakura called to the pair.
"Since when does 'calming people' refer to 'hitting them with what feels like a building?" Asuna returned.
"Hey, like anything else works on you, " Sakura responded.
"And that means you lump me with her? Can't you go learn some sleep spells?" Rukia growled.
...
Dating Lives of I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Canon Girlcrush Holders
(You come up with a better way to describe them. )
Soi Fon fidgeted. Why Yoruichi-sama had signed her up for this program was beyond her. Why she'd gone along with it, on the other hand, was painfully clear to her.
She sighed, holding her cup so tightly that just the merest of spiderweb cracks went around its surface. The nervous tension in the air was getting to her. Why oh why oh why had she written 'female' on the form before handing it to Yoruichi-sama, blushing like a schoolgirl? Because she hadn't actually expected it to be handed in, and now here she was.
Her date, at least, didn't seem any more confident than her, with a seemingly permanent downcast gaze, and enough nervous tension to float the Titanic.
"Why did you hand the form in, Yoruichi-sama/Konoka-ojousama?"
The two girls started, realising the other had spoken at exactly the same time. Then they realised the similarity of their two questions.
"You- you too?"
"...Yes."
"...I was her protege."
"...I'm her bodyguard."
The two looked awkwardly at each other, then rose in unison, stepped around the table to meet, and uncomfortably embraced each other, muttering things a lot like "She notices you" and "You are important to her, you are" in slightly helpless voices.
They seperated once they came to their senses, avoiding eye contact.
"...I can bring you one of her haoris."
"...I can find you some extensions."
-Later-
Yoruichi and Konoka knocked on the hotel room door.
When that didn't work, Yoruichi simply cranked her Shunko up to full and smashed down the door, stepping inside almost immediately.
Soi Fon, half-dressed in a healer outfit and with brown hair extensions, straddling Setsuna with a horrified expression on her face, looked at Konoka, down at herself, back at Konoka and then at Yoruichi.
Setsuna, obviously having been dressed in a Stealth Corps uniform until a few seconds ago and wearing a deep fake tan, her hands still all over Soi Fon with a terrified expression on her face, looked at Yoruichi, then at herself, back at Yoruichi, then to Konoka.
Konoka, a shocked expression on her face, looked at Soi Fon, noted the similarity to her own appearance, to Setsuna, to Yoruichi, and back to Soi Fon.
Yoruichi, an amused expression on her face, looked at Setsuna, noted how much the hanyou looked like her, looked over to Soi Fon, to Konoka, and back to Setsuna.
The embarrassed silence lasted for a brief eternity.
Yoruichi was the first to break it.
"Foursome?"
...
Dating Lives of Badass Grandpas
Ukitake squinted over to the table from the bushes, where Captain-Commander Genryusai Shikeguni Yamamoto sat opposite a man who looked oddly similar to him, with ridiculously oversized ear loops and a beard that went to the floor, though he looked a lot less wrinkled than the Captain-Commander.
He strained his ears, trying to catch some part of the conversation. Yamamoto's mumbled speech was hard enough to hear in the voluminous, quiet Captain's Meeting Hall. In a crowded, outdoor place such as this, it was all-but-impossible to distinguish his words.
Shunsui rolling around on the ground in laughter beside her, like he had been the last few hours. Somehow, the thought of the two-thousand-year-old man back on the market was funny to him. Somehow.
He turned to the giggling heap beside him.
"Shunsui, can't you shut up for a moment? Or ogle the girls a little? I want to hear this."
Then he saw a girl out of the corner of his eye, groaning slightly and banging her head against the brick wall.
"Ah, miss? Are you entirely oka-"
Then his knowledge of Morse code kicked in as he heard the underlying rhythm.
"...Why are you tapping out 'DO NOT WANT' on the wall, miss?"
Konoka just continued trying to remove the memories of her grandpa on a date via good old blunt force trauma. Good God, when she'd stopped having marriage meetings set up by him, she didn't think he'd put himself back in the game instead.
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Dating Lives of Crazy Awesome Berserkers, part two
Kenpachi blinked. They'd rebuilt the town fairly well since his first meet with Jack, but that was to be expected. He found overpowered people, he fought said people, they caused property damage equal to a politician's lifetime pay in the process, but they always rebuilt things later on. It was one of the laws of nature: Kenpachi smashed things, people rebuilt them, one way or the other.
What he hadn't expected was the guy somehow getting his Hell-Butterfly address, then managing to send an invite along it despite not being dead. Ah well, a way to spend an afternoon.
Then Jack had shown up, but perhaps not the way Kenpachi had expected.
"Oi, meathead. Let me off!"
"No! See how his shoulder-pet stays on? Take a leaf from her book."
"So you broke ancient and mystical enchantments set down by the Thousand Master himself, as well as virtually enslaved a quasi-godlike being to be your familiar just so you can win in a ridiculous game of one-upmanship?"
"Pretty much!"
"...I hate you."
Yachiru, on the other hand, quite enjoyed having a new person to chat about/educate for shoulder-minion duty.
"What's your naaaaaame?"
"If I tell you, will you stop pestering me?"
"Maaaaaybe, " said Yachiru, having bounded across to Jack's other shoulder.
"Urgh. Fine. My name is Evangeline Athanasia Ekaterina McDowell, Dark Evangel! Hahahahaha!"
"Boooring. I'm gonna call you Kitty-chan!"
"...What?"
"Yeah! Hey, Kitty-chan, Ken-chan wants to play with Jackie-chan. We should go and play somewhere else!"
"I will cleave your soul in twain and scatter the remnants across the seas of Chaos!"
"Hee, Kitty-chan is funny! Catch me if you caaa-aaan!"
Jack didn't react overtly as the energetic lieutenant leapt from his shoulder and disappeared into the crowds, hotly pursued by the biblically enraged Eva, standing once the sounds of indiscriminate rage had faded to merely wincing levels for mortals.
"So, Kenny. Want another go at me?"
Kenpachi just grinned. He knew this C.R.A.C.C. thing had been a good idea.
-Later-
Evangeline looked up at the hotel ceiling a little awkwardly.
"...So you're definitely not underage?"
"Yup! Why're you so hung up on that, Kitty-chan? Let's play some more!"
Evangeline groaned slightly. Where the hell did this girl get her energy from?
...
Dating Lives of Appliers of Inappropriate Parenting Methods.
The red-head squirmed slightly. He was going to have to really bring out the big guns now. He'd tried and tried to put it off, but there was no avoiding it now...
"I left my kid -at only four years of age, mind you- in the snow, next to his nearly-dead cousin, in the middle of a burning village, bawling his eyes out for me, on the site of a recent demon invasion!"
The spiky-blonde man in a red-and-white coat next to him leaned forward.
"That's it? On the day of his birth -fresh out of the womb-, I sealed a demon so powerful it was regarded as a force of nature inside my kid, then left him alone, to be scorned and ridiculed for the majority of his life so far."
The blonde man triumphantly leaned back, and the red-head scowled at him.
"I shot my kid in the heart."
Minato and Nagi shared a look as the third man of their group spoke up nonchalantly.
"You win, " they said simultaneously.
The corner of Ryuuken's mouth curved into a smile.
...
Dating lives of Otaku Girls
The first girl, with hip-length messy, bright blue hair, raised a finger. "Ah, but a Spellbreaker becomes unworkable at later levels. The Intelligence boost from Spirit Mastery is completely wasted, since Vitality damage is flat, and not elemental."
The second girl, with shorter red hair and a large pair of glasses, leaned forward. "Oh really? The whole point of a Spellbreaker is damage-converted-to-health."
The first girl shook her head patronisingly, ingoring the lukewarm coffee sitting next to her hand. "Exactly. The only skill that does that is Drain Life, which is based on Vitality damage, which gets no boosts from stats. And the boosts from threefold Vile Ichor, even ported over from a Legendary Farmer character, won't balance that enough to make it viable against bosses, especially once you hit Epic."
The second girl frowned. "See, that's where you're wrong. You don't use Drain Life at all. The energy boost from just one Mage mastery isn't enough to supply you at higher levels, even if you do get hold of minus one hundred percent casting speed gear. What you do is Dual Wield swords with the 'of Devouring' suffix, and socket them with Anubis' Wrath, which gets you another flat eighteen percent damage-to-health. Couple that with the damage boosts from Onslaught and its higher levels, plus criticals from a combination of Battle Rage and Weapon Training, and you have it how this class is meant to be played."
The first girl raised an eyebrow. "Then what the hell is the point of picking Spirit at all? Why not get Dream? You get a percent bonus to Vitality off Lucid Dream, and combo that with Trance Of Wrath to drop resists for massive damage."
"Oh, silly, silly girl. The reason is because not only of the Liche King, but because of the Dark Covenant line. Sure, ya gotta pay a steady life cost, but that's where the damage-to-health comes in, and with the boosts from the upside of things, that problem disappears completely."
"Pfah, " The shorter girl retorted. "Pfah, I say. The whole point of teams is to fight united, not go it alone. Why would anyone bring someone like that to a party quest?"
In the bushes, Hiyori and Haruna sketched like they were being paid for it.
Hiyori stopped. "Are you sure they're acting like this to throw off the rest of the class?"
Haruna turned to her. "Of course! Can't you feel the blistering undercurrent of emotion running beneath their words? I tell you, give them a hotel room and we can start doing live drawings!"
(Probably crappy. Also, see if you can guess the name of the game they're discussing. )
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Dating Lives of Bratty Half Pints
"So, how does it feel, being stuck in a shape so immature for more than a hundred years?" Anya couldn't keep the gloating tone out of her voice.
The girl opposite her scowled, but kept from actually slapping Anya. "Oh, I'd guess better than having your childhood friend stolen away by someone half his age again."
Anya's eye twitched, the only outward sign of her annoyance. "Oh yeah? Well, at least I don't have to worry about losing my guy to other guys."
Hiyori stood, hand going to her sword and summoning her Hollow Mask. "Oh, that is IT! You're going down, Shrimpy McStupid!"
Anya did likewise, bringing her hands up, wreathed in flame. "Bring it, Loli O'Tsuntsun-Bitch!"
Chamo rubbed his paws together. Tickets to the catfight had sold like hot buns, and he had worried that things would just fizzle out. Good to know a Tsundere could be counted on, no matter who wrote their characters.
...
Dating Lives of the Overcompensators
Asuna calmly took a sip of her hot chocolate, sitting outside the cafe that she had been told to meet her 'match'. Twenty minutes, and still no sign of him.
She slid the small form out of her pocket, scanning it again. This time, a small line in print caught her, which she'd previously glossed over:
In order for the meeting to begin, due to 'Verse constraints regarding your match, we advise you have your large blade at the ready.
Huh. "Adeat!"
No sooner had Ensis Exorsians sprung forth and been propped up against the table than a young man appeared, literally out of nowhere, with the hilt of a very large sword indeed showing over his shoulder, and a mass of blond hair splayed up into spikes, on the edge of the plaza.
Asuna glanced up, and almost spat out her drink. A little flag with 'objective' written on it in simple font had sprung up out of nowhere, hovering over her head. ''The hell?" Asuna reached upwards and tried to wave it away, but the bottom of the flag bobbed annoyingly just out of reach for her.
She gave up and simply returned to watching the young man approach. Well, you couldn't accuse him of being unattractive, at least. Well, hopefully he'd have something to talk about with her (though she still wondered why she'd had to become so different for him to, for want of a better word, 'spawn'), so that today wouldn't be boring.
When he was a few steps away, the world seemed to flash brightly, and when Asuna opened her eyes again, a massive beast, bearing at least some resemblance to some of the ogres from all the way back in Kyoto. The young man now held his blade forward, and charged up, running and leaping a good two metres high to bring his sword swinging through the monster's neck.
Asuna almost leaped up and cheered, already reaching for her mobile to call in her friends to help with the cleanup, when the man jumped back into the exact same location he had started from, and '264' popped up from the moster's head, with no recognisable damage.
The monster charged forward, bringing its clawlike hand sweeping down through the young warrior's body, even as Asuna yelled out a warning. When the monster leapt back and Asuna could see him again, however, only a small '56' was visible as lasting damage.
He ran foward again, and this time small traces of light surrounded him. He leapt higher than before, landing point-down on the creature, and the numbers this time were '403', even as a voice called out "Critical Hit!", and the warrior struck a dramatic pose as he landed behind it.
The world flashed again, and Asuna opened her eyes to see the damage done to the area completely erased, and not a single person around them seemed to have noticed the struggle.
He moved closer and sat in the chair next to Asuna, leaning his blade on the table in a similar fashion to Asuna's.
Asuna could only gesture at the nonexistent body of the monster, her expression filled with confusion as she tried to decide what glaring game inaccuracy to address first.
The young warrior simply replied in a tone of voice that proclaimed that everything had been explained:
"Random encounter."
...
Dating Lives of Martial Artists
Ku Fei allowed herself a brief smile. This guy was strong, with a capital 'struh'.
...She didn't really have time to think her remarks through, in all fairness.
"Nnnnn... I think I going to win, " she gasped out, with her hand a few millimetres away from winning the arm-wrestle.
Her opponent seemed more focused on her hand than her words, but there was something odd about him. He almost seemed to be conciously holding back...
Then I going to startle him, so he fight me properly!
Ku carefully leaned forward, a slip at a time, inching closer, ever closer...
Then simply yelled out "Boo!"
Her opponent, startled, lost control over himself and suddenly exploded in a massive blast wave, his shirt ripping into shreds for no adequately justifiable reason and hair standing on end, suddenly longer and blond.
Ku had merely a moment to be surprised at the change before the man opposite brought his hand over, strength multiplied fiftyfold, ramming her hand into and through the tabletop, spinning the hapless girl through the air head over heels as her hand lost its grip, landing in a display cabinet across the road.
Goku stood, apologetically waving his arms to get her attention. Why hadn't he paid attention when Kaio-sama had taught him how to keep his calm?
...
Dating Lives of Puppets
Chachazero had finally found him.
Well, it.
Okay, an 'it' based on and created from a 'him'. That was enough, right?
Whatever. The important thing was, she had found him. Except someone else had found him for her, but same difference.
The creation in front of her as she slumped in her chair clacked irregularly from time to time as it spoke.
"And-the-way-that-I clack killed-him-was-with-my clack Iron-Sand. He-did-not clack survive-as-his-vital-organs-were clack pierced-by-poison-soaked-iron-segments."
He knew how to sweet-talk her just right, too...
"So, would you care to come along next week to see 'Child's Play' with me?"
"clack I-don't-see-why-I-could clack not."
In the bushes, Deidara looked over at the red-haired man beside him.
"...All right, who the hell taught you ventriloquism, un?"
"Such a skill is a necessary one for a stealth operative, Deidara, " his companion replied with machinelike disinterest.
"Well, yeah, but you know this is a pretty dick move, even for you, right?"
...
- To be continued...
...
A/N: Hope you enjoyed my fellow tropers work!
Please review, C&C welcome.
Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.
