I have been awake for thirty eight hours and this is the result.
This is the first of two chapters going up today and they are dedicated to Violet OD and Cherry Blushe. You lovelies (I'm English in case you haven't guessed), can fight it out over who gets which. As for all the rest of you, the ones favourit-ing me and not reviewing...Come to our side! We have cookies!
BPOV
On Saturday I woke at noon to the phone ringing. Charlie was out so I staggered down the hall. I didn't really care who was on the other end I just wanted to stop the ringing. "Hello?" My voice sounded rough even to me.
"Bella hi. It's Alice." The reminder was totally unnecessary. Her voice was very distinctive. But for the first time she sounded a little unsure of herself. I wondered if something was wrong. Did she know about the time Edward had spent here last night? Oh God I had almost forgotten about that. Then it hit me. She wasn't sure about the reception she was going to get.
After all, if Edward was a vampire then Alice...well all of them surely. Wow, I had only really thought about Edward and Alice, maybe Dr Cullen a little. There was a whole family of vampires living in the small town of Forks, it was almost funny. Seven vampires.
I didn't know if I should care more than I did. Oddly it was Jake's earlier words that reassured me. The Cullens weren't like the vampires in the movies. They didn't feed on humans. They lived off animal blood. If I could accept the existence of vampires, why not good vampires? Even if I hadn't known this I wasn't sure if I could be scared of Alice. I liked her too much, "Hi Alice. How are you?"
"I should be asking you that. Apparently you're sick. How are you feeling?" She sounded genuinely concerned.
Well, that was a more complicated question than usual, but I decided to keep it simple, "I still feel like crap but I think I'm better. The world...well it's spinning but it's not the fast cycle." I managed to chuckle a little and Alice laughed delightedly.
"I'm so glad to hear it. Did you want some company today? I don't want you stuck in the house by yourself." She sounded eager to spend the day playing nursemaid.
I was on the verge of saying yes. The idea of some time with Alice was cheering. Maybe I could steer the conversation to Edward and subtly ask her to explain her brother. Had he said anything to her about me? But I hadn't seen Jake in three days. I had to remember who my boyfriend was and that he needed my time too. "Could we do something tomorrow? I think I'm seeing Jake today."
Alice hesitated for a minute, "Sure, tomorrow's great. Shall I bring a movie?" Ah, the excitement was back.
"Definitely, you pick. I probably wont be up to anything more energetic." That was true, I was feeling crappier the longer I was on my feet. I should probably eat something and then sit down.
"I'll pick two. Movie Sunday!" I could almost picture her bouncing on her toes in excitement. "I'll see you around noon. And Bella, thanks."
She hung up before I could say anything else. She was thanking me? Why? Just because I still wanted to see her? Wow, their lives must be lonely. They never changed after all, they wouldn't be able to stay anywhere for very long. I wondered when Alice had last made a friend. She was lucky she had Jasper.
I made a call to Charlie, letting him know I was okay. Then I called Eric. He had heard I was sick but was pleased to hear from me. I assured him I would be back soon and he promised to pass the news on to Angela.
By the time I hung up I knew it was time to call Jake. I wanted to sit down, my head was spinning but instead I dialled his number. "Black residence."
"Hey Jake, it's me."
"Bella! Hi, how are you feeling?" He sounded just as pleased as Alice to be talking to me. I couldn't understand my sudden popularity.
"Everyone's been asking me that lately. I'm a little better than I was yesterday. At least I'm vertical. I slept on and off for almost thirty six hours. I didn't even know my body could do that."
Jake laughed, "Well, if you're feeling better shall I come over? Do you feel like company? It's okay if you don't."
After a day and a half of feeling ill I was back to feeling guilty. Jake wasn't kidding when he said my distance was making him anxious, "That sounds like fun, just bear in mind that I don't look good and I might be contagious." I kept my voice light. I didn't like the tension in his voice, he didn't deserve to feel that way.
"Ah, it's okay. I might have it anyway. But I don't feel too bad."
Jake was sick too? I didn't even know. The award for the worst girlfriend in the world belonged to me, "How long have you been sick?"
"Oh I'm not. I just have a slight temperature. I don't feel sick though." He didn't sound sick. Maybe I wasn't that blind then.
"Okay, well come over whenever you're ready. We might have to order take-out. I don't think I'm up to cooking."
Jake's laughter sounded more genuine now, "I'll see you soon Bells."
XXX
Jake was over within half an hour. I opened the door and he was grinning from ear to ear, "Hello beautiful." He wrapped his arms round me and kissed me gently. It was sweet and comforting, but it was also very hot. Jake hadn't been lying about his temperature. Or maybe everything felt hot to me right now; after Edward.
I kissed him back. It was good to see him. He reminded me of my life before this crazy week. Before I had known that his 'cold ones' were real. But then, that meant life without Edward...and Alice of course. "I know I'm not beautiful, especially not today. But thank you."
I went to move back but his arms squeezed me tighter, "You're always beautiful to me Bella." He kissed the top of my head. I hugged him back but I was starting to get way too hot.
"Want to help me make tea?" I asked with a smile. Jake nodded and followed me into the kitchen. He fussed over me. He set me up on the sofa with my grandmother's quilt and everything I might need within arms reach. After the third time he got up to fetch something else I snapped. He thought I might need more aspirin and I told him he was driving me mad. Just watching him rush around me was making my head throb.
He finally sat next to me. He had covered me with the quilt and snuggled me. I started to feel more and more lightheaded. Jake was just so hot. There was so much of him. He had to be almost six feet tall. Wow, what with seeing him every day I had barely noticed his growth spurt.
I concentrated on relaxing. We chatted about everything and nothing. There was never anything to watch on a Saturday afternoon anyway. We settled on some comedy re-runs. I kept trying to get comfortable on the sofa but the heat radiating from Jake's body made it difficult. I was so hot and my head was starting to get fuzzy again.
We ordered pizza at about five and I managed to eat two slices. Jake finished the rest. I wondered where he put it all. But then, he was so big now. Jake asked if I wanted to do something else but the pizza had left me feeling full. I didn't think I would have been up to it anyway. My body was shuddering regularly again, even though I wanted nothing more than to sink into a cool bath.
I was staring at the screen lost in thought. Jake was fidgeting next to me and I suddenly realised that the actor had a similar smile to Edward. It was crooked in the same way. It wasn't as beautiful as Edward's of course. But it brought him to mind. He had stayed with me yesterday. His body had wrapped around mine and cooled me.
The heat rose to my face all over again and I struggled away from Jake. "I'm going to get some water," I said and I started to get to my feet.
"Are you okay?" Jake was looking at me curiously.
"I'm fine," I said and I tried to smile. It might have come across wrong, "Just thirsty."
"No, Bells, you stay put. I'll get it," he headed into the kitchen.
I kicked the quilt off and stretched out on the sofa. Maybe the extra aspirin hadn't been a bad idea. My head was really starting to ache again. I grabbed the packet and got out two pills. Jake came in and handed me a tall glass, "Thanks, my headache's back. It brought some friends."
"Do you want something to eat?" Jake was watching me anxiously
"No, thanks Jake. I'm not hungry." I smiled at him and went back to watching the tv.
"Shall we watch a movie or something? Maybe we can take your mind off it." His voice was getting higher. He was jittery on his feet. What the hell was up with him?
"No, it's okay. I actually like this show." I didn't want to pick a movie. It was easier on my head to watch something that didn't require thought.
"Do you want something else to drink? Maybe I should put some ice in your water. Might cool you down a bit." He put an arm round my shoudler and pulled me against him again. Ugh, he was so hot. If he would stop grabbing me I might cool down. I wriggled to put a little distance between us.
"No, this is fine. The aspirin will kick in and I'll be fine." He was kind of freaking me out. He pulled me back to him.
"Bella, what can I do?" His voice was suddenly shrill and I felt the sound vibrate through my head.
"What?" I was momentarily confused. Hadn't I just said that I didn't need anything? All I wanted was to sit quietly and watch the show. I still felt awful; like I had been hit by a truck after the lightning struck me.
"Something's up," he said furiously, "Something more than you just being sick. I can feel it." Oh god, I couldn't do this now, not yet. The colour that had risen to my face drained out of it. I could almost feel it.
"Jake, there's nothing..." I could hear the hollow sound in my voice. I wasn't even convincing myself anymore. I wasn't surprised I couldn't fool Jake.
"Please don't tell me there's nothing wrong Bells. Please. I know you better than anyone. I know when you're lying." He was right about that too. I just didn't know what to say. That I had met someone? I hadn't, not really. He wasn't even a person, I couldn't do anything about my feelings. I didn't think I could. Even if it was possible, could I make that choice? Could I destroy Jake? That was what I would be doing. My head was pounding painfully. The sunset was shining through the window and despite the cloud cover the light was agonizing.
I struggled from his embrace, "What are you talking about? What have I done? Why are you so convinced something's wrong?" My voice sounded tired.
"Well this for starters. You wont even let me hold you." He was suddenly on his feet pacing in front of the sofa, "What's up with that?"
"I'm sorry. But you're really hot and I have a fever. I'm just trying to cool down." I kicked the quilt away.
"That is the lamest excuse I have ever heard." He was yelling now. I was feeling really dizzy. I couldn't argue with him now. I needed to have my wits about me for this conversation.
"Well it happens to be the truth," I put one of my hands to my head, "And would you please stop yelling."
"Bella, this is so frustrating. I know you're keeping something from me. I know it. It's driving me crazy." He just sounded sad and I couldn't stop the tears that started streaming down my cheeks. Before I knew it I was sobbing. "Oh Bells, I'm sorry."
Jake sank to his knees and put his arms around me. I let him hold me for a few seconds. But the heat was stifling, "Jake, I'm sorry but you really are hot. How can you not feel it?"
Jake sighed and sat back on his heels, "I know that's not all."
His eyes were hard and I couldn't bear to see it, "I think you should go."
He melted and looked horrified, "Bella, no..."
"Jake, I'm not telling you to go as in forever. Don't be stupid. I just can't do this right now. I don't want to fight with you. I just want to go back to bed." I got to my feet.
"Bella, I'll stop. We don't have to talk about this." He took my hand and held it tight.
I turned and kissed him gently, "It's not about that, I just need to rest. We can talk about whatever you want, but not tonight."
"Please let's just talk." Jake wasn't shouting now. His voice was pleading.
"Jake, if you want to stay, it's fine. But I really need to sleep." I turned to the stairs, "I love you Jake." I said.
"I love you too."
XXX
Jake hung around for maybe ten minutes. Maybe he was waiting to see if I would come back down the stairs. I felt like the worst coward in the world but I just couldn't handle anything right now. I certainly couldn't handle having this conversation with him. I didn't know where it might end. I was lousy at lying and worse than lousy at lying to Jake.
I put on a clean t-shirt and slipped under the sheets. They were cool on my skin and felt delicious; for a few seconds anyway. As I heard the door close behind Jake I kicked the covers to the floor. I was too hot already. I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight. I lay on my front trying to will my heart to slow.
I stared at the branch outside my window. There was a breeze tossing the leaves and I could just make out their shape in the dusk. I drifted into an unpleasant trance. I didn't know what I was going to do. Jake knew something was wrong and I was running out of time.
But time to do what? There was something between Edward and I. Whatever it was, it was powerful. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I wished I hadn't been so out of it last night. I wanted to be able to remember clearly every moment I had been with him. I knew I had asked him to stay and he had. He had stayed until my dad had gotten home.
I just didn't know what it meant...for anything. For me and Edward or for me and Jake. But then I didn't know what it might mean for my life either. I lay in my bed completely still, staring at the tree Jake had climbed so many times. It hadn't changed at all as far as I remembered. The leaves always trembled just the same in the breeze.
Except when Jake was climbing it. Then they would jitter faster as he moved his weight from branch to branch. They were jittering now. Had Jake come back? But it wasn't Jake climbing the tree outside my window. The figure had bronze hair that gleamed even in the moonlight. Edward. I literally pinched myself as my dream played out in front of me.
My heart started to beat furiously. Edward paused and turned around. His eyes met mine and he looked horrified. He couldn't seem to tear his eyes away despite his obvious embarassment. He was frozen in his act of climbing.
Had he been here before? Did he do this often? Edward finally wrenched his gaze away and he started down the tree. Without thinking I called out to him, "Edward wait!"
He had disappeared beneath my line of sight and I scrambled to my feet as quickly as I could, which wasn't very. He wasn't gone. He had stopped at the bottom of the tree. I could see him stood there; he looked up at the window. I pushed it up. I stared down at him but I didn't know what to say. I had just caught him spying on me. Shouldn't I be furious? All I could summon up was an overwhelming gratitude for his presence, "Edward..." my voice was low, "Would you like to come in?"
Hell, it had worked the last time he came calling. I was rewarded with my favourite smile. Before I knew what had happened Edward was back up the tree and was on a level with the window, "Excuse me," he said politely.
I stepped to the side. Was he actually going to do what I thought he was going to? Oh yes, he leapt forward. He soared elegantly through the window landing in a crouch in front of me. It really was true, there was no pretending otherwise. No human could have made a leap that way. Without my permission my brain was registering and accepting the fact...it seemed okay with it. Or maybe Edward's eyes were distracting me.
He rose to his feet and he looked at me in concern, "I thought your fever had broken but I guess not." He leaned towards me and then leant back. I just stood there looking at him. His eyes were gold and so beautiful. He raised a hand to my face and then paused.
I didn't move back. He was going to touch me and I couldn't stop him. Edward's hand touched my cheek and I felt it flame under his skin. Lying down had helped a little with the headache, but the sensation he created was better. I didn't even care about the headache, "Did you have a good day Bella?"
His voice sounded oddly formal, for a second I wondered if he knew I had seen Jake today. How could he? Well, if he was climbing the tree outside my window to watch me at night I guessed it was possible, "Not really. It's been lousy."
Edward held his arms out, "May I?" His voice was still calm but his eyes were cautious.
My heart was in my throat. He was asking my permission to hold me. If I said yes I couldn't blame it on anything else. I wasn't delirious this time. I would be crossing the line into unnacceptable territory. This was the moment when I had to decide to keep Edward in my life or ask him to leave it. Looking back, I hope I can say honestly that I considered asking him to leave, but I'm not sure I did. I just couldn't, instead I stepped forward.
Edward's arms closed around me and held me tight. I felt his cheek rest on top of my head and he sighed my name. I breathed easily. He was only wearing a t-shirt and I could feel his skin touching my arms. I suddenly remembered I was barely dressed, just a t-shirt and panties. That was even less appropriate but I couldn't bring myself to move away. I was feeling too comfortable in Edward's arms. He led me over to the bed and lay down behind me as he had last night. His fingers stroked through my hair and it was incredibly relaxing.
"Edward?" My voice was drifting away. It had been an exhausting day considering I had done so little.
"Yes Bella."
"Thank you for staying." I was so glad he was here.
"My pleasure." His fingers kept stroking my hair. They were tracing patterns behind my ear gently. It was soothing and I felt myself drifting into sleep. I dreamt of Edward's hands again that night.
XXX
I opened my eyes, I had left the curtains open last night and I could see the cloudy sky clearly. The breeze tossed the leaves of the tree outside my window...Edward! I sat bolt upright and there he was. He was sat in the chair at the end of my bed watching me with a guarded expression, "Good morning."
"You're still here!" I exclaimed.
"Yes," his voice was flat. "Would you like me to leave?"
"No," I defintitely didn't want that. I had been wanting to talk to him since the night of my accident and I had been thinking of him in my room for longer. "I just...I wasn't sure if I was dreaming last night." It was true.
"Me, sneaking up your tree to spy on you? It wasn't a dream," he was smiling at me now. He looked more relaxed and I wondered how sure he'd been that I would ask him to leave.
"Do you do that a lot?" I couldn't think of anything more relevant to say. Anyway, the question was pretty damn relevant.
"Yes," he nodded slowly, he looked as though telling the truth was costing him. I waited for him to continue, something told me he would, "I have trouble staying away from you."
"Why's that do you think?" I could hear the tremor in my voice but I didn't know if Edward could. Then again, he probably could. Vampire and all.
"There are many reasons," he smiled. "I worry for you. I'm afraid something could happen to you. Apparently not without reason."
"I'm glad you were worried the other night anyway," I said thinking about my bike for the first time in days. I wondered if it was still hidden by the side of the road somewhere.
"The night of your accident or the first night you were sick...or last night?" He raised his eyebrows and I knew he was gently mocking me.
"All of the above," I said quietly. If he was trying to be honest with me I would try to do the same.
Edward took a sharp breath in, "Bella, I know you have questions and I will try to answer them, if I can. But can I ask you something first?"
"Okay," I nodded.
"Do you..." he was struggling with the words, a frown had appeared and my favourite smile had vanished.
"You can ask me Edward, I owe you at least one answer after all you've done for me." I owed him a lot more that. I owed him my life. Right now if he had asked me for it I would have given it to him.
"Do you feel anything for me?" Edward was staring at the carpet. His lips pressed together, his hands gripped the arm rests of the chair.
For a moment the ability to speak deserted me again. What was I supposed to say? I dream about you every night? I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone and it hurts because I don't think I can be with you. I don't know what to do because I have a boyfriend who loves me? And oh yes, you're a vampire. Apparently a good one but still... Though that was actually the least of my concerns. How odd. How could finding out about the existence of the undead bother me less than everything else?
Edward hadn't moved an inch waiting for my answer. He was still staring at the carpet. He was right I wanted answers from him. Honest ones. I took a deep breath. Quid pro quo Clarice. "Yes, I do."
Edward let out a breath I didn't know he was holding. Did he even need to breath? Vampires in the movies I had sat through with Jake sometimes didn't. He looked up at me and smiled, "Okay. What did you want to ask me?"
Wow, I was still shaking from having to give that answer. I had expected more of a response, "That's it? That's all you wanted to know?"
Edward shrugged lightly, "I asked you for one answer and then I promised to answer your questions. On reflection maybe I should have asked what it is you feel. But we all have perfect hindsight." He was smiling again.
"I could answer one more." I had no idea why I said that. I had the perfect get out and I realised he had asked the question deliberately. He didn't want to force me to declare anything I wasn't ready to. I didn't know if I was ready but it was too late now.
Edward's golden eyes were boringinto me, "What do you feel for me Bella Swan?" His voice seemed deeper as he spoke and I felt my insides shiver.
I shuffled on the bed into a cross-legged position trying to give myself time to think. I could have asked him anything and instead I put myself in this position. "I...you confuse me. I've never...reacted to anyone the way I react to you. I...I feel things when I see you. I don't like it when you're away. I missed you terribly when you weren't at school. I was afraid you had all decided to leave Forks and the feeling almost crushed me."
There, that was all the truth. Edward's lips twitched and I could see he was fighting a smile, "I know that feeling." He sat forward and ran his hands through his hair, "But I don't know what to do. I know what I should do, but I just can't do it."
"What should you do?" I asked, the breathy tone was back in my voice again. It was his gaze. It did things to me; things it shouldn't do.
"I should leave. Leave Forks and never see you again." His expression was pained. He didn't want to leave and never see me again. Good.
"No," I said. My voice was stronger.
"It would be for the best Bella. It would be the best thing for you." Edward sounded very certain and I was suddenly irritated.
"I think I should have a say in what's best for me," I said a little tartly.
"And what do you think that is? You have a life here Bella. How can this all fit together?" Edward sounded so sad. I didn't know the answer to his question but I was finding it hard to care.
I shook my head, "I don't know. I wish I did." The tears started again. God I had spent more time crying in the last two days than I had all year. Then something occured to me. He had said I could ask anything. I had a million questions. What did it mean to be a vampire? Why didn't they kill people? How long had they lived like this? Why had they really been off school for those two days? How could they come out during the day? The list was endless.
Now, there was something I wanted to know more, "There is something I want to ask you now. If that's okay?"
Edward sighed, clearly frustrated, "Ask away."
"How do you feel about me?"
XXX
EPOV
Saturday was not a good day overall. It started okay, Bella had seemed better and she had joked with Alice on the phone. Alice had been nervous about calling Bella now that her friend knew the big secret. I had tried to convince her that Bella would be glad to hear from her but she didn't believe me. For the first time in my memory Alice refused to do anything before she re-checked her visions twice and even then didn't seem entirely at ease.
Once they got on the phone though I gathered any thought of awkwardness vanished and they were chatting away. Then Bella had mentioned seeing Jake today and my stomach dropped. I was such a masochist. She was planning to see her boyfriend. I couldn't just sit here, wedged between two branches of another slightly more distant tree, watching. Or more accurately, listening. It would kill me.
Except that's what I did. I listened to her call him and invite him over. At one point I even heard the dog's voice on the other end of the phone. He must be excited about seeing Bella. I could understand that. I watched him arrive on his bike and jump off it before it stopped.
He ran up the steps and pounded on the door. That was rude. He knew she was sick, why was he making a racket? Bella didn't seem to notice, she welcomed him in and I got the immense pleasure of hearing him kiss her. I felt myself growl low in my throat without deciding to do so. I needed to get control of myself. He was her boyfriend. Of course he would kiss her when he saw her.
It was hardly the most graphic activity they would enjoy. I shook my head quickly in an attempt to clear the thought away. Jake was pleased to see Bella and happy to be here. Then, he was also on his guard. He knew that something was wrong in his relationship. His beloved was acting strangely, but he was determined not to bring it up today. He would just be the best boyfriend in the world today.
He set about making sure Bella had everything she needed. I envied him, I hadn't thought to do that last night. I should have asked her if she needed aspirin or a drink of water. She had been so hot after all. I was thinking about how much better suited a human was to take care of another when I heard Bella snap at him irritably.
"Jake, for god's sake you are driving me nuts. I'm fine. I have absolutely everything I need. Will you please just watch the show with me?"
He sat down with her; he was a little pissed. He was just trying to take care of her, he didn't understand why she was being so difficult. It was so unlike her. He pulled Bella against him and she settled there for a while. They were catching up on their news. Bella talked about Eric and Angela and Alice. She didn't mention me at all. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. On the other hand, she kept her confidences. She didn't even hint at anything she had found out.
Jacob told Bella about his friends at school and their latest activities. They were both shuffling around on the sofa constantly. Eventually I picked up the dog's pique. Every time he tried to hold her she wriggled away. He wasn't going to mention it.
He managed to stick to that decision for while. They ordered pizza and carried on watching TV. Then the fight started. It seemed to blow up out of nowhere if you didn't know what the dog was thinking.
He thought Bella was unhappy and he wanted to fix it. The problem was that she wouldn't tell him what was wrong. He asked her if she wanted anything, but she said no to everything. She didn't want anything. Not from him anyway. Each time she refused a suggestion he got more and more tense and Bella seemed oblivious to it.
I could see her face through his eyes. Her colour was high again. Maybe she really was just too hot sat next to the dog. His temperature was about ten degrees too high after all. He was even warmer than her with her fever.
Crap, why hadn't that occurred to me before. No wonder she had been so uncomfortable. She had a high fever and she was being held by a living hot water bottle. The argument was obviously taking it out of her as well, but the dog wasn't letting it go. He kept pushing her for answers and I was starting to get really mad.
Couldn't he see that she wasn't up to this right now? When she put one of her hands to her head and begged him to stop yelling I started climbing down the tree. Enough was enough. He couldn't speak to her like that. I wasn't going to allow it.
Before I could get as far as the door Bella was crying and then asking the dog to leave. I froze with my hand in the air about to knock. If he was going to leave then I didn't need to interfere. I moved back round the side of the house.
He argued with her, almost pleaded, but Bella was insistent. She wanted to be alone; she wanted to go back to bed. He could stay and hang out down here if he wanted but she was going to bed.
I was feeling elated. I could have jumped up onto the roof of the house and not given a damn who saw me. I felt on top of the world. Until I heard Bella tell the dog she loved him on her way up the stairs. Then I felt like throwing myself off the roof of the house. Not that it would make a differnce.
XXX
When I heard Bella's heart slow down I went to climb up my usual tree and settle in for the night. I was going to keep up my vigil at least until she was healthy again. Then I would see about changing it. Or maybe not.
I was just about to swing a leg over a branch when I heard Bella's heart quicken. Had something frightened her? I whipped around and peered through the window. Two chocolate brown eyes stared back at me in surprise. I didn't blame them.
I froze. I didn't know what to do and could think of nothing to explain my actions. I watched her face hoping for some hint of her reaction but there was none forthcoming. I decided to just make as dignified an exit as possible but as I reached the bottom of the tree I heard her voice asking me to wait.
I knew I shouldn't. I should keep going, but I stopped again. I looked up at the window and saw Bella pushing it open. She was still pale and she was breathing heavily. She was wearing a t-shirt tonight and she shivered in the cool air, "Edward, would you like to come in?"
I couldn't contain the grin that broke over my face and I refused to give myself any time to think myself out of this. I jumped halfway up the tree and once I got to the top leapt through Bella's window. It wasn't until I was face to face with her that I wondered if maybe I should have entered in a more human way. I didn't want to scare her. It was a little late to be worrying about it now though.
I looked her up and down noticing immediately that her temperature was back up to a hundred and one. Stupid dog. Then I realised something else. She wasn't wearing anything other than a t-shirt. I fought to keep my body under control and say something rational, "I thought your fever had broken but I guess not."
Talking to her was not enough right now. I could smell her, but it was under the smell I was beginning to despise more than anything. It seemed to lay like a film over her skin and I had an over-whelming urge to wipe it away. I raised my hand slowly. The first time she had touched me in the car she had given me the chance to pull away. I would do the same for her. She didn't move back any more than I had.
I touched her cheek gently. I stroked a small patch of her skin until it didn't smell of dog anymore. For a second I was almost mad at her. I could only convince myself she didn't care about me if she wasn't so pleased to see me. And if she was pleased to see me why had she called her boyfriend? "Did you have a good day Bella?" I realised my voice sounded cold. I couldn't behave like that to her. I didn't have the right.
"Not really. It's been lousy."
She didn't elaborate but she didn't need to. I was instantly contrite. I glanced down and my eyes were drawn to the expanse of bare leg visible. She was only wearing a thin shirt. If I put my arms around her now, I would be able to feel her.
I tried to convince myself it was a bad idea but my less noble side glorified. Why not just ask her permission, "May I?" I asked holding out my arms slightly but not moving.
If she let me hold her it meant something. It meant she felt for me at least; I was sure it did. Bella hesitated for no more than a second before she moved into my arms. I gathered her to me, perhaps a little too quickly. I didn't care. She was in my arms again. I could feel her body tight against me, "Bella..." Her name escaped me before I could stop it.
I had to find a way to work this out. I couldn't let her go, surely I wasn't meant to. It couldn't be possible to want someone this much and not be meant to have them. I would have her tonight anyway.
I led her over to the bed and settled her in front of me as I had last night. I wouldn't leave this time. I would stay, and in the morning we would talk. Her hair was shining in the dim light and I reached out to stroke my fingers through it. It felt like silk against my skin.
"Edward?" Bella's voice was sleepy.
"Yes Bella?" Please don't ask me to go, please don't ask me to go...
"Thank you for staying." I could hear the small smile in her words.
"My pleasure."
XXX
I stayed all night this time. I only moved from my position when Charlie came in to check on his daughter. I didn't think he would be pleased to find me there. When Bella began to stir I disentangled myself. She might be surprised to find me still here and if she was going to kick me out this would be easier.
Bella wriggled around a little and then her eyes opened slowly. She stared out of the window for a full five seconds. Did she even remember I was here? Suddenly she sat up and stared around the room. Her eyes fell on me on and mouth dropped open, "Good morning, "I said.
"You're still here!" She yelled and my heart sank. She would blame it on the fever and ask me to leave now.
"Yes, would you like me to leave?"
"No, I just...I wasn't sure if I was dreaming last night."
I was trying not to laugh. I should have thought of that. If she had woken to an empty bedroom she might have convinced herself I hadn't been here at all. How embarassing, "Me, sneaking up your tree to spy on you. It wasn't a dream." Nope, just me getting out of control.
"Do you do that a lot?" She didn't look appalled she was just watching me curiously.
"Yes," I nodded. "I have trouble staying away from you." That was putting it mildly. It was agonizing to be away from her.
"Why's that do you think?" Her voice was shaking slightly. Perhaps she was nervous, though why she would be I didn't know. She wasn't the one who had just been asked to answer a very complicated question.
I opted for a truthful but vague answer, "There are many reasons. I worry for you. I'm afraid something could happen to you. Apparently not without reason."
"I'm glad you were worried the other night anyway," I knew which night she meant but I couldn't resist the urge to tease her.
"The night of your accident or the first night you were sick...or last night?" I had been here on other nights too but I wouldn't bring that up unless she asked.
"All of the above." Bella whispered.
I felt myself gasp. Esme was right. This middle ground was hell, nothing could be worse surely. I was going to have to find out, "Bella, I know you have questions and I will try to answer them, if I can. But can I ask you something first?"
"Okay," she nodded.
"Do you..." my voice failed me. She might tell me to leave once I asked her this. I didn't think it was likely given her reaction to seeing me last night. It wasn't impossible though.
"You can ask me Edward, I owe you at least one answer after all you've done for me." She didn't owe me anything. All of my actions had been selfish in my eyes. I had risked her life by letting her find out the truth just because I couldn't lose her. And I might have been the one who startled the damn animal in front of her anyway.
I pushed the words out in a rush now. I didn't want to lose my nerve, "Do you feel anything for me?" I gripped the arms of the chair feeling as though the ground was trembling under my feet.
"Yes, I do." I let out a sigh.
That was all I needed for now. I didn't want to pressure her. That would do for now, "Okay. What do you want to ask me?"
She looked surprised; shocked might have been more accurate, "That's it? That's all you wanted to know?"
Of course not, you beautiful creature. I want to question you forever. I just shrugged, "I asked you for one answer and then I promised to answer your questions. On refection maybe I should have asked what it is you feel. But we all have perfect hindsight." I grinned at her. She didn't have to tell me anything she wasn't ready to tell me.
"I could answer one more." Bella whispered.
As soon as the words were out of her mouth she began to blush. I couldn't tell if she was regretting the offer but I didn't care. I stared at her chocolate brown eyes. They seemed to draw me in, "What do you feel for me Bella Swan?"
She squirmed a little before she answered, "I...you confuse me. I've never...reacted to anyone the way I react to you. I...I feel things when I see you. I don't like it when you're away. I missed you terribly when you weren't at school. I was afraid you had all decided to leave Forks and the feeling almost crushed me." Bella stumbled over the words but she kept her eyes on mine. She was being honest.
"I know the feeling." So she did care for me. I had hoped she felt something but I hadn't expected her to feel so strongly so quickly. Then again, I felt pretty strongly. Suddenly I was concerned with how bad that could be for her. She shouldn't want me. If I had left her alone she would be happy with her boyfriend. I sighed, "But I don't know what to do. I know what I should do, but I just can't do it." I was running my hands through my hair, it was a nervous habit.
"What should you do?" Bella's voice was tiny.
"I should leave. Leave Forks and never see you again." It physically hurt me to say the words but I was going to be honest with her. She deserved to know what she was getting herself into.
"No," she said definitely and my heart soared. She wanted me to stay, however wrong that was.
"It would be for the best Bella. It would be the best thing for you." I didn't think I was going to change her mind. She seemed very certain. Thank you God.
"I think I should have a say in what's best for me," she sounded annoyed.
"And what do you think that is? You have a life here Bella. How can this all fit together?" It was a rhetorical question. But if she had any ideas how to make this right I was all ears.
"I don't know. I wish I did." Suddenly she was crying. How did that happen? I leant further forward in my seat. I couldn't bear to see her like this. I had to fix it somehow. I was about to move next to her when her voice squeaked out, "There is something I want to ask you now. If that's okay?"
I sighed, if she wanted to talk I could do that too. I was irritated I hadn't moved over to her straight away. She could be in my arms again now. But I had promised to answer her questions, "Ask away."
"How do you feel about me?"
The question caught me completely off guard. How could she possibly not be aware of how much she meant to me? She was in my every thought; she was my obsession. Did Bella doubt how I felt for her? To be fair I had never actually told her. I dropped to my knees by the foot of her bed. She was sitting on the end facing me. Her scent was so much stronger here but I wouldn't let it distract me.
I reached out and took her hands in mine, "Bella, I am afraid that if I explained how much you mean to me. It would scare you." Her breath hitched and her fingers gripped my hands. Her skin was still warmer than it should be, but she was getting better now. She would be healthy soon just as Alice had said. "You just told me you don't like it when I'm away; well the truth is that I can't bear to be away from you. You've been in my thoughts since the day I met you for many reasons."
"Like?" Her eyes were wide, she seemed transfixed.
"It's complicated," how was I suppposed to explain that my initial attraction was to the scent of her blood. That would be a great way to scare her. But I wouldn't lie either, "Bella, how much do you know about us?"
She frowned at the change of topic, "Not much. I was going to get to that later."
I nodded, though it seemed odd that she wasn't desperate for answers about our world, "Well, we're different from most of our kind."
Bella was nodding, "I know. You don't kill humans, you live off animal blood."
Oh good, she knew that much at least. I hadn't been sure she did, "Well, there aren't many who live as we do. We have found only one other small group. The rest...well they exist in a more traditional way."
"When you say traditional you mean they live off people?" Bella went even paler. I began to wonder if maybe she should eat or if I should get her something to drink but her expression was rapt.
I nodded, "That's what I mean. We are the oddities of our world Bella. I have lived this way for a long time. But the day you walked into that classroom and sat down next to me I nearly threw it all away." It had been so close. I didn't want to take more credit for my self-control than I deserved but I couldn't bring up the wolves. We couldn't reveal the truth about them anymore than they could about us. But I wanted to.
"Why would you do that?" Her voice was quiet again but she was listening intently.
"Because of you." I slid my fingers over her wrist and felt her shiver, "Every person on this planet smells differently. Resisting on a day to day basis is hard enough. We stay as well fed as possible to avoid temptation. And you...you smell like nothing I've ever experienced before. So much more tempting than any human I've ever come across. I wanted to take you right there."
"You mean to say..."
"I mean to say." She didn't pull her hands away from mine. She stared at them joined with mine.
"Should I be afraid of you right now?" She looked as though the thought was intriguing. Did this girl have no sense of self-preservation at all? I was starting to think that she didn't.
On the other hand I didn't want her to be scared of me, "I would rather you weren't. I will not hurt you. I swear it." I wouldn't, there was no way I could. Not now.
She nodded and echoed my earlier understatment, "Okay."
"That's it?" I was expecting something more. How could she not be afraid at all? I had expected to need to convince her I wouldn't kill her.
"I don't really know what else to say. I'm actually kind of glad to have an explanation for your reaction the first day we met. I..." Her voice faded to a whisper, "I want you to stay and I want you to tell me the truth. Plus I believe you, I can't freak out at every little thing."
"Every little thing? I just told you that I crave your blood. That's not a little thing."
"Fair point, but you also swore not to take it. That's not a little thing either."
I began to suspect that Bella might not be entirely human. How could anyone react to these things with so little shock, "I thought if I told you you'd run for the hills."
She smiled, "Do you think I could run from you?"
"Why wouldn't you?" She had everything she could want already in her life. Why would she want me? I was unstable, unpredictable and undead.
"Because I can't. It's too late for that. Besides, since you saved my life the other night I'm guessing you don't only want me for my blood. You could have taken it easily enough and no one would have known. You didn't." She shrugged but she was still smiling.
"No, I didn't."
"So, no. I'm not going to run from you."
"I wish you wouldn't say that Bella. A small part of me wishes you would run from me." Only a very small part. But the fact was that I didn't have the strength to leave her. If one of us was to leave it would have to be her.
"Please don't wish that." She pulled one hand free and slowly raised it to my face. I didn't even consider pulling back. I wanted her to touch me desperately. Her warm skin felt incredible against mine.
She stroked the back of her fingers across my cheekbone and I sighed. When she did things like that it made me want to touch her too. Her skin was so pale and I wanted to see if it was as soft as it looked all over her body. She couldn't know the effect she was having on me. "I don't wish it for my sake. I'm a selfish creature and I want you to stay. I want you to be mine. But I also want what's best for you. I think you already have it." That was a depressing thought. Bella was staring at me with her mouth open. It was the most shocked I had ever seen her, "What's wrong? Are you in pain?"
"Is that what you want?" She gasped.
"Is what what I want?" I was completely confused.
"You said you wanted me to be yours. Is that what you want?"
Hadn't I just said that? Oh, no I hadn't. I'd told her I wanted her blood, not her. Her heart was pounding in her chest and I reached forward slowly. I put my hand over her heart. It sped up in response to my touch, "Yes, that's what I want." I gazed in fascination at the carpet, "More than anything."
"Is it possible?"
"is what possible?"
"Is it possible for me to be yours?"
Whatever I had been expecting her to say it wasn't that, I took my hand from her chest. She held it in her free hand. "I...I don't know. I've never tried. I don't know anyone who has either." Humans were so fragile, I had to be so careful around her. I highly doubted I could do everything with her that the dog could do. It would be too dangerous.
"But it might be possible?" Her eyes were shining and I was finding it hard not to get caught up in her excitement. She was asking if it was possible to be with me. I was hoping that meant it was something she wanted too.
But...there were things to consider, "Bella, I know I sound old-fashioned but aren't you already spoken for? I don't think I have it in me to share you. I know he won't either."
She bit her lip and her eyes shone with tears. I was horrified, I kept making her cry. She took a shuddering breath and blinked twice, "What if I wasn't spoken for?"
"Bella..." I didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell her to end her relationship. It had been going on for a long time and until I showed up it had been happy. I knew I didn't have anything to offer her that could compare. On the other hand I couldn't deny that I wanted her to do just that. I wanted her to get rid of the dog so we could try this thing between us. I believed that once we did we would find a way to work it out, "I don't think you should do something like that rashly."
Bella shook her head, "I don't think I am. I love Jake, I always have. He's always been there and always been on my side. I owe him a lot. Part of me is in agony at the thought of hurting him; losing him. But..."
"But?" I prompted, hoping to get past the part where she was singing Jacob Black's praises. It wasn't something I wanted to hear. It was easier to hate him from afar if I wasn't being told what a good person he was.
Bella sighed shakily, "If you were to walk out of this house now and tell me you weren't coming back here, I would follow you." Her eyes met mine again and I was lost in the chocolate colour of them. Bella was telling me she wanted to be with me. Was this real? "I know it's not rational. In fact it's freaking insane. I have only known you a week. But...whatever it means I can not let you walk out of my life now. It's just too late."
"I have so much more to tell you, about me and my family."
She smiled, "So tell me. I'm listening."
