Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. We all know who does, and she's fab.
Edward's insane. His friends and family are, too, for that matter. This was the only conclusion I could come to in the predicament I'd found myself in. Sitting in an inflatable raft, clutching the bright yellow vinyl for dear life and freezing my ass off as we floated downriver over rapids in the middle of North Cascades National Park was about the last thing I'd ever dreamed I'd be doing in the second week of September. The scenery was gorgeous, sure, with what little attention I could pay to it while I wasn't staring wide-eyed at the next set of jagged rocks and roaring current churning over and between them in our path that I was convinced would suck us under into the frigid water.
"Spontaneity is the spice of life, Bella," I muttered, repeating Edward's words from just days ago as I braced myself to not get thrown overboard as we entered another section of rapids. I shrieked as the front of the raft pitched upward and a giant spray of freezing water pelted me.
I was a soaked, shivering mess as we emerged from the last of the rapids in sight. Looking around at the other passengers in our raft, it appeared I wasn't the only one either. Poor Alice's lips were almost purple, and Kate, Edward's cousin, was shaking like a leaf—but they were both sporting grins as wide as the Grand Canyon. Edward, Jasper, and Kate's fiancé, Garrett, all had the same grins on their faces as well. I was pretty sure I was the onlyperson within the three raft convoy that wasn't currently smiling so wide my face might split in half.
"That was awesome!" Kate cheered, joining Alice in a celebratory high five as I tried to keep my teeth from shattering with the force of my shivers. "I can't wait for spring. It's so much more fun when the river swells."
Their excitement seemed to be the general consensus as I looked around, listening to the hooting and hollering voices of the other rafts' passengers reverberate off the forests lining the riverbanks. I didn't want to think about why the river swelling would make the journey we'd just taken more fun, or even contemplate the possibility of experiencing it firsthand by joining them again in the spring. As I closed my eyes and curled further in upon myself in an attempt to preserve what little body heat I had left, I accepted the knowledge that whitewater rafting just wasn't for me.
I didn't feel any movement in the raft—any more than the already present rocking from the current I should say—but a slight increase of warmth suddenly surrounded me in the form of Edward's arms. My chills lessened, but only minimally so as he tucked his head into the crook of my neck from behind.
"You don't seem to be having a good time."
"It's c...co...cold," I stammered through my chattering teeth. "I'm fff...free...zing."
"I can feel that," he chuckled, rubbing my arms vigorously with his hands. "Aside from that are you having fun?"
I shook my head because I wasn't, and I was nothing if not honest. I hated the cold. I hated being wet and cold. I was miserable. If we'd just been floating down a calm river, staying dry and warm, I might have thoroughly enjoyed myself. Under the current circumstances, however, I hadn't. Not at all.
It didn't help that I had to pee either. Badly.
"Do you want to hike back to the cars from our campsite in the morning? It's only about five miles. We don't have to finish the float if you don't want to."
My eyes flitted around, taking in all the excited faces surrounding us. I instantly felt remorseful. These were his friends and family, and I didn't feel right putting an end to an activity they all had so obviously enjoyed together in the past. I didn't feel right taking just him away from it either, and I knew he would cut his own trip short in a heartbeat if I just said the words.
"N...no. It's okay. I d...don't want t...t...to go home."
It was the truth, mostly. I really didn't want to go home because then I'd just drive myself insane with deciding whether or not to grace Charlie and Sue with my presence on my birthday. That was the whole reason Edward had dragged me along on this spur of the moment trip to begin with, because I'd been ripping my hair out while trying to come to a decision one way or the other. Well, there was that, and the fact that I'd never gone on a float trip before; had actually never been in a raft before, period. I'd never gone camping either, and Edward had been excited over the prospect of essentially hitting two birds with one stone: camping and whitewater rafting.
"Are you sure? We won't miss much. It's pretty smooth sailing from this point out. There's only one more rapid in the last leg of the trip, but this time of year it's really nothing."
I could've turned around and kissed him right there, but I didn't. I merely turned my head and smiled as best I could with my frozen face and nodded, relieved there wouldn't be any more threats of me falling out of the raft into frigid waters and cracking my head open on a jagged rock.
"I'm sure."
We hadn't made it much further downstream before the rafts were paddled toward the bank and tied off. If I hadn't needed to pee so badly, I might've collapsed to my knees and kissed the ground the moment I stepped foot upon solid soil. Instead, I dropped my bag and fished out the travel pack of tissues I'd stowed in there and took off practically running for the cover of a bush, leaving behind a chorus of laughter in my wake.
My sour mood lifted as the late afternoon wore on, and I began truly enjoying myself as we all gathered around the campfire, roasting hot dogs speared with sticks over the open flames. I listened wistfully as they all shared stories from all the camping trips they'd gone on over the years since they were children, and I laughed along with them when their tales would spark a memory of something hilarious that had happened. It was nice feeling like I was a part of their group, even though it was my first, and possibly only, trip with them.
As I speared my third hot dog with a stick, I caught Edward's Aunt Esme smiling in my direction out of the corner of my eye. I looked beside me to Edward and found that he was engaged in a conversation with Alice and Jasper on the other side of him. It was obvious at that point that her smile was aimed at me, so I turned my attention back to her and smiled politely in return.
"Are you having a good time?" she asked.
"I am," I nodded, grinning a bit wider knowing it was the truth.
"I still can't believe you've never been camping before."
I shrugged. "I went camping with my parents once or twice as a kid, but it was nothing like this." I gestured to the surrounding area. "My mother's idea of camping was a lakefront cabin, complete with comfy beds, running water, and at least one electrical outlet that she could plug her curling iron into."
"Yes, definitely not the same," she laughed, shaking her head. "That's a little more my speed nowadays, but I still like to get out here in the open once in a while and rough it with the rest of them."
"Essie, who are you kidding? You haven't roughed it in years!" her husband chortled, turning his attention away from the conversation he'd been having with Garrett beside him. "Your back will feel fine in the morning, but my leg will still be sore from inflating that air mattress of yours taking up half our tent."
"Hey, I told you to get the rechargeable air pump but you're the one that said the foot pump would be lighter to carry."
I laughed at their banter as I pulled my hot dog from the flames to check on it. I bit into the end of it and hummed appreciatively at the slightly charred flavor. I didn't think I'd ever be able to eat a boiled one again after this trip.
Esme scooted closer to me as I took another bite, and I smiled as she speared a dog for herself.
"So Edward told me your birthday is this coming weekend. Do you have any special plans for celebrating it?"
"No," I shook my head, shrugging as I twirled my stick slowly. "My father wants me to join them for dinner, but... I don't know if I will or not."
Edward's hand came to a rest right above my knee and gave a gentle squeeze as I'd spoken. I felt comforted by the gesture, not in that he was signifying that he was paying attention enough to have heard what I'd said even though he was conversing with others, but because, in a way, it felt as though he was telling me it'd be alright; to not worry myself over it. He knew how much turmoil I'd been putting myself through with the simple decision; that was, after all, the whole reason he'd dragged me out on this spontaneous excursion to the middle of the woods. So far, his distraction attempt had worked, too. I hadn't given much thought to the whole birthday debacle until his aunt had brought it up.
"Well..." Esme sighed, clearly unsure what to make of my words. I braced myself for her to question my reasons behind possibly not attending, but the probing question never came. Instead, she simply smiled and waved it off. "I'd hate to think of you sitting home alone on such a special day so if your plans fall through, I'd be delighted to host a gathering to celebrate it with you."
"Thank you, Esme," I said shyly. "But I don't really have many friends, and I wouldn't want you to go out of your way for just me."
"Nonsense, dear," she dismissed my argument easily. "If you don't join your father, you'll join us. And I won't take no for an answer."
What could I say to that? Nothing. There was nothing I could say, so I just smiled and nodded in appreciation. The thought of spending my birthday with Edward's family was enticing, regardless of how little I wished to celebrate the occasion at all.
Later that night as I laid all zipped up in a sleeping bag and stared at our tent ceiling, I couldn't stop thinking about how wrong it was that the thought of spending my birthday with people I'd only just met was so much more appealing than the idea of spending it with my own family. Didn't most normal people look forward to celebrating special occasions with their loved ones? Wasn't that how it was supposed to be? Therein lay the problem though. I wasn't normal. My family wasn't normal. We were dysfunctional to an abhorred degree, and if I was asked to define the term loved one, my father wouldn't be the first person to come to mind. Not even close.
I sighed and turned to get more comfortable, but froze as my eyes landed on Edward's dark, open ones. There was just enough moonlight filtering in through the mesh vent at the top of our tent for me to make out the features on the upturned side of his face.
"Penny for your thoughts?" His voice was quiet, nearly a whisper as it crossed the small distance between us.
"They're not worth one."
"On the contrary. I happen to believe they're worth a lot more," he answered, his voice louder and tone more gruff as he raised up and propped his head against his fist. "You're only restless when you're thinking of Charlie, so I'll take a stab in the dark and guess you're thinking about Saturday again, aren't you."
It wasn't a question. It didn't need to be; he knew me just as well as I did, possibly even more seeing as how I barely knew myself these days.
I nodded as I released a breath from deep within my chest.
"Just go, Bella. You'll never know for certain if you want to fix things between you, or if your relationship can even be fixed if you don't try. At least this way you find the answers to the questions you've been driving yourself crazy thinking in circles over."
Funny; I'd been thinking nearly the same thing. That's what had been driving me insane. If I didn't at least try, then I'd never know if it was possible for us to get back to where we'd once been, to have what we'd once shared. And then there was always the possibility that later on in life I'd regret not putting that effort forth when I'd had the chance. On the other hand, though, the risk of getting hurt again by him seemed more of a probability than a possibility in the short term, and that's the thought that had kept me from returning Charlie's calls.
"Will you come with me? I don't want to go alone."
He shifted closer to me and reached out to rest his arm over my side.
"Of course I will. You didn't even have to ask." I let out a breath of relief and closed my eyes, feeling almost completely at ease. "Get some sleep, Bella. The sun will be up in just a few short hours."
I slept soundly for those few hours and awoke feeling surprisingly refreshed when a few members of our little adventure group decided to shake the walls of our tent. Edward awoke grumpy, hollering at them to piss off and grow up, which I found all too amusing in my lighthearted mood. It was cute the way he grumbled and shot his arm out from inside his sleeping bag to grab a hold of me when I'd moved to get up. I would've been entirely content to lay there for another hour or so with his face pressed into my shoulder, his light snores nearly lulling me back to sleep as well, but the others had no plans of allowing us to sleep in. With the second shake-n-wake-quake we'd been given, we finally exited the tent to meet the early morning light.
It was chilly and everything was covered in a light sheen of dew, but I was warmed quickly by the steaming cup of fire brewed coffee and the extra clothing layer of Edward's pullover hoodie from the day before. It smelled heavily of smoke from the campfire, but it kept me from shivering as we ate breakfast and cleaned up the campsite.
Floating downriver the second day was an entirely different experience than the first. As we paddled parallel to the winding banks, I began to wonder if it had just been the attitude I'd confronted this activity with that had made it so unenjoyable to me. I'd been skeptical, perhaps even convinced, from the start that whitewater rafting wouldn't be something I'd enjoy. It was too adventurous for my tastes, too dangerous and wild; but was it really? It was almost as if I was becoming two people at once as we made our way further downstream, like a part of me was branching off from who I'd been and laying the foundation for who I'd become in the future.
I was quiet as the others carried on around me, lost in my musings of this duality that was emerging within me. Part of me wondered if it wasn't a facet of some new version of me that I had yet to become or even define, but possibly one of the person I'd been much earlier in life coming back to me—reconnecting some thread of who I'd been before Phoenix with who I'd become while there. The old Bella, the carefree and vibrant teen I'd been, wouldn't have even blinked an eye at the dangers of frigid water and swirling currents churning over jagged rocks. Thinking long and hard over it, I was pretty sure she would've been wearing the same ear to ear grin all the others had after emerging from the rapids the day before; she would've enjoyed it the way they had. But, she's me—a very distant and unfamiliar version of me, but she was who I'd been... who I could still be.
It was all so very confusing, but the longer I mulled over these musings, one thing became entirely too obvious to dismiss. The most notable difference between the old and current me was our attitudes. She faced life head on, embraced it and welcomed opportunities despite the possibilities of pits and downfalls and failures that existed. I, on the other hand, hadn't been facing life at all. I merely laid in wait—for what, I wasn't sure. For an opportunity to come along that bore no degree of risk at all? One would never exist. I'd be a fool to think there ever could be.
The only question that remained was this: Which version of me did I want to be?
As we approached the final, and only, rapids of this part of our float trip, the answer came naturally. That morning, it had been decided that we'd hug the bank to avoid the churning section of the river on my behalf. That was no longer what I wanted. I wanted to be her; the old me.
"Change of plans," I voiced, smiling sheepishly as the others turned to look at me questioningly. They were all aware of how little I'd enjoyed the rapids just the day before. "Let's follow them."
My heart began beating faster, hammering against my ribs as I paddled as hard as I could with the others to get us back in line. I wanted was to go through the roughest, rockiest, most dangerous part of the rapid possible. I wanted to come out wet and cold and thrumming with life from the adrenaline coursing through my veins while grinning as wide as my face would allow...
And I did just that.
A/N: The lovely Branson101, who I've flipping adored for what feels like years now, graciously started up a thread for this story over on Twilighted. Check it out, hang with some fellow readers, discuss the characters, the story, or possible tricks I may have up my sleeve LOL. If ya feel like commenting on the story, awesome, if not, have a blast making some new friends and goofing off. Branson's the bomb and we've shared many a night laughing our asses off on some of my other story threads in the past. =) See ya 'round the forums! Thanks Branson! 3 U!
Here's the link (remove the parentheses): http:/www(.)twilighted(.)?f=44&t=17316
