"I'll flip you for it."
"I'm not fucking flipping you for it," Negan frowns, as Rick flips the coin. "Heads!"
"And it's tails! Can you believe that?" Rick smiles.
"Best of three," Negan pleads.
"No, and good luck with the class, you're gonna need it," Rick laughs, patting him on the back.
"Fuck you, asshole," Negan frowns.
Negan begrudgingly makes his way down the corridor, and opens the classroom door. He's greeted by about thirty teenagers, sitting behind their desks. Negan walks to the front of the class. This is fucking bullshit! He thinks, as he stares at the faces in front of him. He grabs a bunch of papers out of a box on the desk. The fuck is this shit? Negan frowns.
"You all know the ins and outs of sex, right? I mean, you're seventeen, so most of you are probably fucking already." Negan raises an eyebrow.
"Hell yeah!" Shouts a boy in the front row.
"Except for him, he's obviously still a virgin," Negan smiles.
The class laugh in response, and Negan relaxes a little.
"Right. The whole point of sex, apparently, is to make babies. I disagree, but what the fuck ever. If you don't want to make babies, then you'll want to wrap the fuck up. Friend of mine just had kid, said when it came out, it was like watching his favourite bar burn down. Gross as shit, right?" Negan says, sitting on top of the desk.
"Can't you just pull out?" A boy at the back asks.
"Ninety percent of you are here because your dads promised your moms they'd pull out. So that's probably not a good fucking idea." Negan answers. "It's not just babies you have to worry about. There's a million fucking diseases that'll make your dick shrivel up and drop the fuck off."
"Not if you do the finger test," a boy laughs.
Negan frowns. "Finger test? What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Little scratch and sniff. If it smells alright, then you're good to go," he laughs.
"That's the stupidest fucking thing i've ever heard! You think the clap has a smell? Or HIV?" Negan asks, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, i just thought-" the boy starts.
"Well, you might want to think a little less, cos it ain't working out too great for you. You'll have a lot to fucking think about when you can't use your dick anymore, so good luck with that," Negan says. "You see, this, ladies. Is what you have to contend with. Use him, as a reminder. Next time you think about raw dogging. This asshole, Mr VD here, is probably what you're gonna be dealing with. So get them to wrap that shit up. You can't trust a guy to be carrying condom's. So carry your own."
"Isn't that kinda slutty?" One of the girls asks.
Negan shakes his head. "No, it fucking isn't. Those that think it is, will probably end up living in some trailer park with four kids by the time they're twenty one. Don't go through life giving a shit what people think. It's your life, so fucking own it. A guy tells you he's gonna pull out, he's fucking lying. Same goes if you're giving him head. You know that motherfucker's gonna just blow his load right in your mouth, so watch out," he points a finger at the class.
Negan rummages through the box on the desk. "Jesus Christ!" His eyes widen as he pulls out a model of a penis. "Don't be frightened, ladies. They're not all this big."
"Except for mine," one of his students jokes.
"I'll also warn you girls, if a guy talks about how big his dick is, then it's probably not much more than a mini hotdog," Negan smiles. "Right, who's gonna come up and demonstrate how to put on a condom?"
Silence fills the room.
"No one? How about you, VD boy? You could use the practice, come on," Negan ushers with his hand.
The boy apprehensively gets up from his desk, and makes his way to the front of the class.
"Here, do your fucking best," Negan says, passing him a condom.
He takes it, staring at the wrapper. "Do i have to?"
"I had to do this damn lesson, even though i didn't fucking want to, so yeah. Stop being such a fucking pussy," Negan says.
The boy struggles to open the packet, and the class start to giggle. He finally gets it out and places it on top of the model.
"Nope, that's upside down. See," Negan demonstrates. "You won't be able to roll it down. Let me show you," Negan says, turning it the right way round. "You wanna pinch the end of the condom, so you've got some fucking breathing space. Then you just, roll it down, like this. Now, you try," Negan removes the condom.
The boy tries again, the way Negan showed him.
"Not fucking bad, maybe you're not a total loss after all," Negan smiles, patting him on the back.
The boy smiles proudly, then goes back to his seat.
"There are lots of ways to prevent getting pregnant. Any of you girls know other kinds of birth control?" Negan quizzes, looking around the class.
"The pill," says a girl at the back.
"Yeah, and that's the most commonly used one. Of course, nothing is a hundred percent. But that fucker, if you use it properly, is pretty fucking successful," Negan says.
"My mom got pregnant on the pill," a girl calls out.
"Like i said, nothing is a hundred percent. But there could be all kinds of fucking reasons why that shit don't work. Forgetting to take it, skipping a day here and there. Getting blind ass drunk. Other meds fucking around with it. Also, if you're sick, or you get the shits, then it's probably not gonna fucking work," Negan points out. "There's a whole shitload of birth control out there, that you don't have to remember to take. Coils, patches, those fucking things that they stick in your arm."
"Implant?" Someone shouts.
"That's the fucking one. But remember, those won't protect you against diseases. So, unless you're in a committed relationship, wrap the fuck up." Negan digs through the box on his desk. "Now we're fucking talking," Negan smiles, as he pulls out a poster. The poster has a pretty accurate drawing of a vagina. Negan clips the poster to the white board. "This, is the holy fucking grail in life, the p..," Negan looks around the class, and finds himself blushing slightly, as a sea of female eyes focus on him. "Vagina," he says instead, trying to sound more professional. "I'm guessing you all know by now what a vagina looks like. Even if you haven't seen one in real life."
"That one's like an old lady vagina," a boy shouts out.
Negan frowns. "How's that?"
"It's all hairy," the boy laughs.
"What, you don't think they should be?" Negan asks. "Come on, i'm asking a serious fucking question, so answer."
The boy pulls his face. "No, it's disgusting!"
"Tell me this, do you shave down there?" Negan asks.
The boy looks down at his feet quietly.
"No, i didn't fucking think so. Let me tell you guys something. Vaginas, come in all shapes, sizes and colours. And each one, is fucking beautiful in it's own way, Whether it's smooth, or not. If you're lucky enough to have one on a regular basis, trust me, you're not going to give two shits if it's covered in hair or not, cos they all feel good," Negan says. "One thing that is important, is knowing where the fuck everything is. I mean, you get down there and have no fucking clue what you're doing, she's not gonna invite you down there again, is she? So, can any of you guys tell me, what is the most sensitive part. I'm not asking you ladies, cos you already know."
Negan is met with silence from the class.
"Come on! You're telling me, that none of you fuckers know the most sensitive part of a woman? Jesus Christ!" Negan takes his finger, and points at the picture. "The clitoris! Knowing where that is, is the difference between, yeah it was nice, and, holy fuck! I can't fucking walk!" Negan smiles. "Now, i'm not gonna go into too much detail. Fuck if i'm gonna give all my secrets to you sorry shits! So the important thing, is to be able to read a woman's body. You do that, and you'll be beating off pussy with a stick."
"Yeah, but how?" A boy asks.
"The fuck did i just say? This isn't a fucking, Coach Negan shares all his bedroom secrets class! You motherfuckers will have to learn the hard way, trial and fucking error! Just don't go in there like it's an all you can eat buffet, but you only got five minutes on the clock. Take your damn time. Savour it." Negan looks around the class. He clears his throat as his eyes meet with several of the females in the class. "Any fucking hoo," he changes the subject, rummaging through the box once again. "Consent," Negan nods. "Now that's an important thing to talk about. You'd think it wouldn't need discussing. But apparently, some fuckers don't understand, that no means fucking no! That goes for fucking everyone!"
"What, like virgin over there," one of the boys laughs, pointing at a boy behind him.
"Yes! Do you own his fucking dick?"
The boy shuffles in his seat. "No."
"Then mind your damn business! No one owns your dick, or your pu.. vagina, except you, unless you say fucking otherwise. Don't let none of these assholes dictate when you fucking use it. It's yours! Fucking own it!" Negan says sincerely. "I'm not joking around with this shit, it ain't no laughing matter. No, means no!"
"But what if she's wearing next to nothing?" A boy asks.
"What the fuck did i just say?" Negan shoots him a serious look.
"But where's the line?" The boy asks.
"There is no fucking line! No means fucking no! I'd watch out for him, girls." Negan points a finger.
"But what if she's dressed like a whore?" The boy questions.
Negan stares at him. "I saw your mom up at Hooters dressed like a whore, as you put it. Did i just randomly stick my dick in her? No, i fucking asked first, cos that's the polite thing to do."
"Wait, what?" The boy says, confused.
"Next fucking question," Negan says.
A girl puts her hand up.
"Go on," Negan says.
"What if you're with someone, and they ask you to do something you don't want to?" She asks.
"Don't ever do something you don't want to. The whole point of sex, other than making babies, is to enjoy yourself. If you're not comfortable with something, then don't do it. And if the guy your with doesn't like that, then he can just fuck right fucking off! Go find yourself someone who appreciates you for who you are. The sooner you ladies realise that you hold the key to the holy fucking grail, the better off you'll be," Negan smiles.
"But guys go round calling you vanilla if you don't do what they ask," she says.
Negan frowns. "Give me a for instance."
"Butt stuff," she says, trying not to giggle.
Negan nods. "Alright. Next time a guy asks you to do butt stuff. Ask him to go first."
"That's gross!" A boy shouts out.
"You think so?" Negan asks.
"Yeah, i don't wanna get fucked in the ass!" The boy adds.
"Well what makes you think she would then? Her ass is the same ass yours. In fact! Men are more likely to get pleasure from butt stuff than women, because of the prostate gland," Negan points out. "Relationships, are all about give and take. Fucking compromise! And don't go thinking you can just slip it the fuck in there whenever you like. Doesn't fucking work like that. Ass isn't like pussy. You think you can just whack it right in there and start fucking away? Then you've been watching too much porn. They get their asses all washed out beforehand, shit ton of lube, and probably a big fat fucking paycheck!"
Negan walks over to the box on his desk.
"Looks like i've covered everything," he smiles, feeling quite proud of himself. "I think i did a good fucking job! What do you motherfuckers think?"
"You did good, Coach," a girl smiles.
"I fucking did, didn't i," he smiles. "Right, you all get one of these. And none of you fuckers are leaving this class without one," he says, holding up a bag. "There's some condoms in there. And some leaflets and shit on safe sex, contraception, all that kinda crap. Make sure you fucking read it. That includes you boys as well."
Negan watches as his students each take a bag and leave. He leans back against the desk, breathing a sigh of relief.
"Well, that was an interesting take on sex ed," a voice startles him.
Negan looks up. "Claire, you were listening?" He smiles.
"Yes, my English class finished fifteen minutes ago, students couldn't wait to get out of there," she laughs.
"Look, i didn't want to do the fucking thing. It was either me, or Rick. He would've probably done better," Negan shrugs.
"I'm not so sure about that. As crude as you were, i thought you actually did quite well," she assures him.
"Really?" Negan asks, licking his lips. "Maybe you and i could have a little one on one sex ed later?"
"We'll have to see about that," she smiles, beginning to walk away. She stops at the door and turns to him. "What you said, about butt stuff. I'll remember that next time you try and stick it in my ass."
Negan chuckles, and follows her out of the door.
