This chapter courtesy of the brilliant LASOS. Who is awesome and amazing and MY CHEESE BUDDY, DAMN IT!
Princess Leia
by LASOS
You have reached the personal holocom inbox of Senator-Princess Leia Organa, also referred to as Her High Holier-Than-Thou-ness, Her Worshipfulness, Princess Pint-Size, or Her Royal Alliance-Issue Combat Boot Up the Rear. Currently, Her Worshipfulness is probably out commanding Rebel assaults using her disproportionately loud voice, fawning over wet-behind-the-ears farmboys from Tatooine, in a meeting with the so-called "command" of this suicidal cause, or using aforementioned disproportionately loud voice to scream at the handsome and debonair Captain Han Solo for absolutely no reason at all. Whatever she's doing, she can't answer your com, so if you'll just --- HAN! What's going on -- that's my comlink! Give me that. What did you -- oh never mind, just tell me how to erase this. -static- You nerfherder -static- get off! Ugh, forget it. This is Leia Organa, leave a message after the tone --- It's a beep, Sweetheart, not a tone. --- Go away, Han! ...Dear stars alive, that man is going to give me a coronary before I'm twenty-two....This is Leia Organa. Leave a message after the--
-beep-
Lelila, it's Carlist. We've pushed the Command meeting back an hour. It seems that there has been, ah, an incident in the conference office. I'll fill you in later.
-beep-
Hey Leia, it's Luke. What's Han talking about, fawning over farmboys from Tatooine? Tell him that I am not wet behind the ears! Also, I'm pretty sure that you don't fawn. Besides, he's the one that you -- erm, never mind. Listen, I wanted to let you know that I had nothing to do with the stink bomb that was set off in the Command office. I know that Threepio found a note that said "Courtesy of Luke Skywalker" when Rieekan sent him in to assess the damage, but I swear I didn't do it. If I were you, I'd talk to Wedge. And maybe Hobbie. And definitely Wes.
-beep-
Mistress Leia, I really must protest! General Rieekan is under the impression that droids do not have olfactory functions and he did not believe me when I insisted that protocol units are equipped with all five human senses, including smell. I do hope that you will inform him that I find foul smells equally as offensive as he, and that it is, in fact, not my designation to clean up after such explosions. I am a protocol droid, not a service droid, and it was really rather presumptive of him to assume otherwise.
-beep-
Carlist again. Forget an hour. The smell's going to be in the conference room for at least a week.
-beep-
0111010101!! 010111101001101!!!
-beep-
Oh shut up, you idiotic glob of grease! Ignore him, Your Highness. He's nothing but an overgrown trash receptacle.
-beep-
Leia Organa, this is Sella Trois with the Royal Public Library of Naboo. Our records indicate that you checked out a copy of How to Speak to Scoundrels two years ago that you never returned. Since you are neither a native nor naturalized citizen of Naboo, your fines include an additional charge, bringing your total outstanding fees to 3,700 credits. Please remit payment immediately or we shall be forced to take legal action against you.
-beep-
Princess, Mothma here. I've just received a message from an anonymous Mon Calamari representative requesting an audience concerning their allegiance to the Rebellion. I've arranged a meeting on Dac for next week. You leave in five standard days. Captain Solo will be your pilot. Please confirm with me as soon as you get this.
-beep-
Hey, Sweetheart, I hear that you requested me for your little jaunt to Dac. I appreciate the thought, but if you wanted to get me alone, all you had to do is ask. Come to think of it, Chewie just left for the mess so I'm by myself for at least the next two hours....
-beep-
Princess Leia, this is Hollan Stark in Supplies. If you're checking your messages, I have your new comlink ready for you to pick up. Just a reminder that it is against Alliance protocol to vandalize standard-issue equipment, and that includes throwing comlinks against walls.
-beep-
Come one, come all, and place your bet on how long it'll take for Han to get into Leia's – oh Sith, Hobbie, this is Leia's – sorryprincessireallydidn'tmeanto—
-beep-
—11001010111101011011101!!!!!!
—No, Artoo, Commander Janson asked you to erase the message, not save it to her unheard mailbox! You infantile lug! *clunk*
—0101.
— really! Where did you ever learn such foul language? If I didn't know better, I'd say you were spending too much time with Captain Solo.
-beep-
Princess, Mothma. A betting pool? Whatever gave you that idea?
-beep-
This is Sella Trois with the Royal Public Library of Naboo returning your last call. It is none of our concern if the contents of the book were ineffectual and as a result you threw it out the airlock while stuck in space. The fact of the matter is that you were in possession of Nubian public property and should have returned it by the galactic standard due date. However, since you have proven that your mother was a citizen of Naboo – a fact that I find rather suspicious since a native of this planet would never think of using the kind of language you did in your last message – your total fees only come to fifteen credits. Remit payment by the end of the week.
-beep-
Why do you always ask Han to fly your missions? What does he have that I don't have? A bigger ship? You should see the size of my lightsaber!
-beep-
Leia, this is Luke. I'm really sorry about that last message. Wes stole my comlink. Don't worry, though, he'll think twice about doing it again.
-beep-
Ignoring my com calls, are you. Need to speak with you, I do. Concerns future of the galaxy, this does. Worse than your brother with returning calls, you are.
-beep-
I'm a little kaffe pot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout. When I get all steamed up, hear me shout: Tip me over and pour me out!
-beep-
Lelila, Carlist. Do you have any idea why Wes Janson is wandering around the hangar bay stark naked and singing "I'm a Little Kaffe Pot" at the top of his lungs? Actually, never mind, just tell me who checked his psych records when he joined.
-beep-
Whoever said revenge isn't the Jedi way clear was never commanding officer of Rogue Squadron. Sorry that you had to see Wes', er, lightsaber.
-beep-
Um, hi, ah, this...um, this is Lon Reyno, you know, from the Young Legislators convention. Yeah, so, I know it's been at least six years, but I thought I'd just give you a call and catch up, see how things are in your life and everything. Things are fine with me. I'm still living on Ord Mantell. Never did do anything with politics. How about you? Hey, how'd that prank you were going to pull when you got back home go? Did you ever put the dress on the statue of the Emperor in Aldera Square?
-beep-
Princess, Dodonna. Since you're a personal friend of his, I'm leaving it up to you to ask Solo not to keep taking power couplings from Parts and Tech. He and his dilapidated old ship are not official members of this Alliance, so he has no right to be acting as if they were.
-beep-
Return my last call, you did not. Much like your father, you are. Expect you to contact me again, I shall not.
-beep-
Lelila, I don't think that "stuffing his pockets with nerf steaks and leaving him outside to fight the Wampas" is really the best use of Dodonna's ability as a military strategist.
-beep-
Your Highness, I have no idea how your pitiful "soldiers" obtained my private com number, but I would appreciate it if you would tell them that my refrigeration unit is not, in fact, running, and therefore I will not, in fact, go "catch it." How your traitorous group has eluded Imperial capture for so long with such juvenile minds is beyond frustrating, but fear not, I will find you. Also, please tell my son to return my messages re: Emperor-slaying and intergalactic domination. It really is a time sensitive matter.
-beep-
Dodonna again. Solo's service record with us is duly noted and he is here on out allowed all the power couplings he needs. In the future, though, I would appreciate it if you would refrain from telling me to take the ice shards out of my ass. That sort of phrase really isn't befitting to a young woman of your stature.
-beep-
Um, Leia, this is Wes Janson. Listen, I'm sorry about anything I said on your messages earlier, and I wanted to let you know that there isn't really a betting pool on you and Han. Okay, well there is, but you should know that you really stand to make a lot of money from this. Seriously, you could throw the bets and we can split the profits fifty-fifty. Aghh! Umm, seventy-thirty? Ninety-ten? Also, could you pleasepleaseplease come tell Luke to take his lightsaber away from my –
-beep-
Lelila, it's Carlist again. Listen, I know that last time we talked about this, you told me that the ninth hell of Corellia would freeze over first, but just hypothetically, if the ninth hell of Corellia were frozen now, do you think you and Han will be sleeping together by the end of this week or would next month be a safer assumption?
-beep-
Oh, come on, Lelila. Just a little hint. I could use the winnings to purchase that new medscanner that we need.
-beep-
Does Solo know that he taught you 'krething shavhead?' Tell him I'm impressed, would you, Lelila?
-beep-
All right. I will tell him myself.
-beep-
Hey Sweetheart, it was a good try, but you got it backwards. It's shaving krethhead, not krething shavhead. Maybe you should just stick to calling people nerfherders.
-beep-
Your Highness, Stark in Supplies. You can come pick up your new comlink whenever you're ready. Incidentally, just in case you need a refresher course in elementary biology, comlinks do not, in fact, grow on trees. And even if they did, we would still have trouble finding them on Hoth.
-beep-
Hi, Leia, this is Lon again. You were a senator, huh? Wow, that's impressive. And, uh, sorry to hear about Alderaan. I guess I really should have known about that. Oh well, no big deal, right? Hey listen, would you like to go get kaffe with me sometime? I don't have a job, so I'm pretty much free whenever. Except that I have to be back by 2300 because my mom doesn't like it when I come in late.
-beep-
—Eeerrrgggrruugg rrraaaarrrrrwwwwaaaannnn ggggrrrroooooo.
AutoTranslation: Sure thing, Princess. What exactly do you want us to do to that [phrase not translated due to explicit content]?
-beep-
When I asked you to have my son return my calls, that was not an open invitation for all his friends to leave me messages looking for I. P. Freely, Drew P. Wiener, and Hugh Jass. Tell me, Your Highness, when we do find your Rebel base, will it be manned by twelve year-olds?
-beep-
Princess, Mothma. I must admit I am rather surprised by the lack of diplomacy in your last message. Captain Solo has flown for all of your missions in the past two years, so naturally I assumed that you would want the same pilot. I wasn't aware that such a level of dissension existed between you and Solo. However, considering that we are in the middle of a war, I would suggest that you put aside your differences with one man and concern yourself with more...pertinent issues.
-beep-
Your relationship with the "nerfherder" is not a pertinent issue.
-beep-
Hang up on me next time, you should not. A brother you most certainly do have. Make sense, it would, if you would just listen. Worse than young Skywalker, you are.
-beep-
Lon again. What exactly is a Wookiee? And a nerfherder? Do I need to be worried that you're threatening to send them after me? Is that a "no" on kaffe, then?
-beep-
Your Worship, heard you got an eyeful of Janson earlier today. How about I come over later for some comparing and contrasting?
-beep-
This is Hollan Stark in Supplies. Again. Your replacement com is ready. Again. Perhaps it would just be easier on all of us if you started getting them in bulk?
-beep-
Leia, it's Carlist. I just got a message from someone named Stark in Supplies who is asking that I let you know that we have a limited amount of comlinks on base and he can't keep replacing them while you smash them at your leisure. I'll be sure to tell him that your family account funds our entire communications department.
Solo leaving you messages again?
-beep-
Block my number, you cannot. The Force, have I. He he he he.
-beep-
Leia Organa, this is Nalick Eisley with Intergalactic Playmale holomag. We got your submission photos, and we are pleased to inform you that you have been selected as the centerfold for our upcoming issue. We really can't wait to see what you've got under that bikini.
-beep-
Hey, it's Luke. I don't know if you...um...just -- just don't check your holonet messages for a little while. And you also might not want to read the upcoming issue of Intergalactic Playmale. Ever. And also you probably shouldn't come to the mess hall until they can get the poster down.
-beep-
Your Highness, it's Mothma. While I appreciate the boost in troop morale, are you quite certain that plastering a giant holo of yourself in a metal bikini on the largest wall in the mess was the best way to do it?
-beep-
ThisisJansonI'mreallysorryabouttheholoposterpleasecometellLukenottokillme--
-beep-
Hey there, Sweetheart, that's a really nice picture of you up in the mess hall. Janson's pretty skilled with HoloShop, wouldn't you say? Almost can't see the line where he put your head on the bikini girl's body. I think that slave girl in a gold bikini is a good look for you. At least you have a back-up plan if this whole "restore democracy to the galaxy" thing doesn't pan out.
-beep-
Stark again. Your new comlink's ready. Tell Rieekan that I quit.
-beep-
Welcome back, Senator-Princess Leia Organa, Your Royal Highnessness. You have 317 unread messages in your GalacticTech Inbox.
