A/N If you didn't watch last week's episode, the last scene is a spoiler from it. Kind of. I guess.
Pariah (n.) A person without status. A rejected member of society. An outcast.
"Stinky, wake the fuck up. I got something for you." Negan hands me a pair of hot pink roller skates.
"Sweet Barbara no foolin'?!"
"Don't break your goddamn neck, RM, or I'm going to fucking kick your ass."
My beauties don't match with these skates, so I try just some plain black stockings. Yeah, this is real fucking nice. I feel real good about this decision. "Don't be trying to rub that green bean on these beauties while I'm gone or I'll fucking know."
"How'd you know stockings were a fetish of mine?"
I don't know if he's fucking joking, so I carefully roll them and hide them in my pocket before skating for the door.
"Are you going to tie those?"
"Out of the way, dump-osaurus rex!" Okay, so, not my most graceful attempt at getting down the first set of steps, but I manage.
"What the fuck am I seeing, blondie," Connor laughs.
"Believe it, bitch!" The next set of steps is a fucking disaster, and if not for Connor, I might have broken my neck after all.
He carries me down to the bottom step, though it comes with a price.
"Here, one cigarette for each set of steps."
"You still doing that sober shit?"
"Yeah. It's a fuckshow. I hate it." I light his cigarette for him.
"Is that my shirt?"
"Yep. It looks better on me." I give him a weaselish laugh before skating off. "Thanks for the lift, bitch!" Damn, I feel invincible on these. There's a long corridor that I skate down where the concrete isn't that rough. I love the walls in Sanctuary. They're defaced, used, and plastered with insults. It shows me that even though it might not be much to look at, it still serves a purpose. That maybe, one day, I'd be useful, too. My laces wind around the wheels and I trip, sliding across the concrete on my knees. Oh, god, fuck, why?! I cradle my bloody knee.
"That sucks." Simon tugs at my ripped stocking.
"No," I scream, shoving him back.
"I-" He stares back open-mouthed at me.
"They don't like men to touch them!" I was sure he'd run off and leave me. Just like everyone always does. I'm too fucking weird to have to deal with, so people pretend I don't exist. No one stops and thinks that I didn't make myself this way. I didn't just wake up one morning and decide, you know, I think I'll create this lifestyle that's so way beyond the fucking realm of normal, not even I can understand it. Then people wonder why I fucking do drugs. At least on the drugs I was a funny bitch. Now I'm just a bitch.
"I'm sorry for touching them."
I'm sorry for yelling at you. Pathetic. I can't even bring myself to say it to the one person that's been nice to me. Simon would have fit well in my group. Back when things actually made sense, and people cared about me. Madsen dies and everything falls to fuck.
"You okay, friend? Don't cry."
I can't tell him I'm not crying, or I might just let loose what I've held back all these years. God fucking help the poor soul that I do unleash this shit storm on. "Do you have any coke?" I slam my eyes shut. No, RM! No!
"No, but I can get you some-"
"The soda, not the drug," I lie. I hate lying. What a fucking cowardice trait. Fuck. I don't want to face Negan, just because I don't want to hear the fucker tell me he was right.
Simon helps me back to the parlor, setting me down in Negan's armchair. "Sorry, Sir. I couldn't get to her in time to catch her before she fell."
Why is he apologizing to Negan? It's not his fault.
Negan folds his arms in disapproval. "RM, what did I fucking tell-"
"Shut the fuck up! I don't need your judgmental fuckery right now!"
"Bitch, I will-"
I throw my roller skate at Negan. "What was that, bitch?"
Simon slowly starts to inch towards the door.
Don't leave me alone with this dumpy shit head!
Negan yells at me for so long, I start to forget about the pain in my knee.
I have this great ability to shut people off completely and start playing a movie in my head. People always think that dazed look is because I'm high as a kite, but that's just me. In my own world. It's better there.
There's a soft knock on the door that breaks my concentration.
"What?" Negan barks.
Oh, fuck me. That soda. Negan is going to be-
"Fucking seriously with this shit, RM?" Negan takes it from Simon and hurls it across the room. "You're going to clean that shit up." Negan pulls Simon back by his shirt. "Not you. Get out."
"Yes, Sir."
"Don't be fucking mean to him because you threw a goddamn soda across the room like a fucking child having a tantrum." I thought I was going to fucking bleed to death before the two of us resolved shit, but once we're alone, the dumpy dickhead drops his tough guy bullshit and out comes the caretaker. "Fuuuuuck, it hurts!"
"Don't be such a titty baby, Jesus. It's a skinned knee."
"I'm sober, dingus! Things are a little more intense!"
"I told you not to play fucking roller derby in Sanctuary."
"You just always gotta be right."
"And you just always gotta have the last word."
"On the scale." Negan grunts displeased at the number. "72. RM, are you eating at every meal?"
"I try to at least pick at the food."
"The doctor said you're 4 foot 10, which means you need to be at least 89 lbs."
"How much do you weigh?"
"265."
"I think a lot of that is body hair."
"Bullshit, RM. Damn, why do you always give me shit about that?"
"Because it's weird you have hair on your chest, and down by your belly in that line."
"I know that you have Madsen as your basis for comparison, but I'm telling you right now, dudes without chest hair is weird."
My eyes drift to the side some. Damn, Madsen was so fine. Fucking damn shame.
"Oh, god, I've seen that look before. Stop it, unless you're going to let me do something about it."
"Fine. So where were we?"
"Go to my room and have a seat. I'm going to get us some food, and you're going to fucking eat it."
Shit. I doubt that means he's getting me alien food.
"Look, a replica of your kidney tickler." I wave the small sausage at him.
"Must be, you refuse to put it in your mouth."
"How do they make sausage?"
He gives me the most maniacal chuckle.
I smack him in the cheek with the sausage.
"The fuck?! Stop, and sit fucking down!" He wipes the grease from his face. "It's meat that's been shoved inside a synthetic casing or intestine."
"Animal fat crammed into a casing? Gross."
"I'm gonna cram my synthetic casing in you."
I take a large obnoxious bite of the sausage. "Try it, bitch." Oh, wow. This shit ain't half bad!
"You know, most people don't sit on the fucking table to eat."
"Blah, blah, bl-" I inhale my food wrong and choke.
Negan bellows a laugh, throwing himself back in the armchair.
"Fuck you, man, I could have fucking choked to death."
"Yeah, choking on sausage would be way too classy of a way for someone like you to go."
"You wish I'd choke on your sausage."
"If I shave my chest for you, will you give me some head?"
"If I'm putting that anywhere near my mouth, it's gotta be good."
"I would go to every store within a fifty mile radius and get you stockings if it means having your mouth around my synthetic casing."
"You should do that anyway because I'm a motherfucking Queen."
"You are hardly a fucking Queen."
"Bitch, Madsen always treated me like I was his Queen. Shit, he used to cut my food up for me and feed it to me. He'd brush my hair after he bathed me. I got foot rubs, back rubs. And you better fucking believe his eyes never wandered to another sausage wallet."
"Sounds like he was your slave."
"I never asked that he do any of that."
Negan slams the door behind him.
Whatever, at least I got out of that shit.
I watch Amber as she changes out Negan's bedding.
"Can I help you, RM?"
"I was just curious."
"Who doesn't know how to make a bed?"
"I'm sorry I threatened your dog. That wasn't right of me."
"Leave me alone."
Yeah. Sure. I lower my eyes, and start trying to make words out of these letter magnets Negan got me. Fuck, this is harder than I thought. I have my tabloid that I use to try and match the letters, but there's only one of each letter, so that's out. If I don't make at least ten words by the time Negan gets home, he's going to make the rest of the evening miserable and I've been having a hard enough time lately. I don't need any more reason to start using again. "Could you help me spell my name?"
"No."
Shit. I swat the letters and roll over on my pallet so my back is to her. Fuck it. This is impossible. Guess I'm getting bitched at tonight. This handcuff is starting to leave an impression in my wrist. It hurts, so I scoot it down my arm some.
"Here," Amber whispers.
I roll over to find her leaving the room, but she's put down the two letters to spell my name. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
I know my name is RM, but I've never seen it spelled out before. Where's that pen? I want to write it down so I won't forget it. Well, one word down. Nine to go.
I know by now what that stupid look on Negan's face means, but thankfully he doesn't talk about all the ways he just fucked one of his wives.
He plops down in his armchair, scratching his balls. "I could go for some KFC right now."
"What's that?"
"Kentucky fried chicken."
"Ugh, gross. Fried chicken is fucking disturbing as a motherfucker."
"How is fried chicken disturbing?"
"Because, dingus, think about it. Like really fucking think about it. You take the adult chicken and you dip it in the egg which is their babies."
"Well, at least they'll go out together."
"It's genocide."
"That's a little fucking dramatic, RM."
"One time I rode with Madsen out to this chicken farm to do a drug deal. It's fucking sick what they do to those birds, man."
"Are you done squawking? Just the other fucking night you were choking on that sausage."
"Look, I ain't above eating meat. But if you raise an animal for consumption, have a little fucking compassion. Don't let greed come in and strip something of its basic rights for a few extra dollars."
"You know, bitch, that's a real good way to look at things, but I still could go for some fried chicken. I'm going to go see what the girls can scrounge up. Want me to bring you back a few pieces?"
"You're an asshole."
He snickers as he closes his bedroom door behind him.
Whenever Negan lets me off my leash, I get as far as fucking possible from him as I can. There's a ton of Saviors playing some kind of game in the courtyard. I notice Simon and walk over to him.
"Hey, kiddo. You come to watch the game?"
"Nah, I came out here for a smoke. Do you want one?"
"I shouldn't, those are yours."
"It's okay, I don't mind."
"Now that's one more thing I owe you."
"I'm not keeping track of that shit. We're friends."
"Friends?"
"Well, yeah, right?"
"Yeah, okay," he smiles.
"What are they doing?"
"Playing soccer. Well, it's their own version."
Must be why it's so bloody. I don't think I've ever-"No!" My screams echo through the courtyard as I run over to the men playing the game. I wrap my arms around the severed head before it's kicked again. "You sick fucks!" Who fucking kicks around someone's head?!
"What the fuck is this shit?"
"Get out of here, bitch! Unless you want us to use yours."
"No, this is a person!"
Simon shoves one of the Saviors off me, pulling me against him. "Game fucking over," he orders the men.
The dead's head is pulled from my arms as the other men start to play keep away with it.
"Stop! You're hurting him!" I pull away from Simon and try my best to get back the head.
"Stop, you're hurting him," they mock me.
"You fucking pricks!"
"What was that?" The head is dropped and stomped on.
"No!" I shove the chode Savior out of the way. "You killed him!" I scoop the remains in my arms. "Look what you did!"
Two Saviors are shoved so hard back, they somersault into the chain link fence. "Game fucking over, or I'm going to start my own. Adding a few fucks to my fence," Negan snaps.
I'm so fucking upset right now. I've never seen such a disgusting display in all my life. It fucking sickens me that all Negan has to do is show up, and those fucks bow down to him, meanwhile, I'm pleading for this man's life and they think it's a goddamn joke. I collect a few of his teeth in my other hand before taking him outside the gates.
"RM."
"Leave me alone."
"I know that-"
"You don't know fuck all, man."
"You better watch the way you fucking talk to me."
It pisses me off even more that he's so fucking insecure, he's yelling at me because he doesn't want to be talked to like a bitch in front of his men. "I can't believe you allow this shit!"
"I ain't gonna make excuses for these men, but everyone is dealing with this shit the best way they can. Fuck, I got someone who takes pictures of what's left of people who have fucked us and then he turns around and sells those pictures for points."
"That's more sane than kicking around a human head. All he's doing is documenting the violence. News stations buy that kinda footage all the time, and there's good money in it."
"Come on, let's go inside."
"No. I need to bury him." I cling to the remains tighter.
"No, RM. Now put that shit down and let's go!"
"Fuck you, you can't make me go inside."
"This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Simon, don't leave her side."
I hold the head in one hand while using my other hand to dig.
"Here, kiddo." Simon sets his knife on the ground.
"Thank you."
Simon never once rushed me, never laughed, or taunted me. He just let me dig. Maybe it was the fear of what Negan might do if he didn't appease me.
I sigh and place the man in the hole. I'm sorry for what they did to you. I close his mangled eye as best as I can before filling the hole back up.
"Maybe not the best time to ask, but do you want the other half of this ding dong?"
"What?"
"The other half."
"I heard what you said. What is a ding dong?"
"Seriously? Now you have to try it."
"No, I don't want to."
"How am I ever going to pay you back?"
"I told you, man. Friends."
"If we're friends, you'll eat my ding dong."
We start to laugh at the same time. It was just what I needed. "I don't touch food with my hands."
"Open wide."
Oh, wow, that is good! "I like your ding dong," I snicker.
"Keep that between us. I like both functioning eyes. Did you know that guy they were playing soccer with?"
I shake my head no.
"You could have got seriously hurt by those men. Why risk your life?"
"It's the right thing to do. Harming others is wrong. I'm not perfect by any means, but sure as fuck don't get pleasure in making someone suffer."
"It's weird not seeing you smile. You're always that light in this dank fucking place." Simon takes a marker from his pocket and doodles a little happy face on my arm.
"Thanks, you cute little Cheeto," I smile.
His mustache stiffens in disapproval, but then he starts to laugh. "That's oddly not the strangest name I've been called. These old geezers I knew a couple years back used to call me Jock Cranley."
I'd hate to tell him all the names I get called.
"Let me take you back, okay?"
If I had all my beauties with me, I'd contemplate running as far away from this place as I could get…
When I walk into the parlor, Negan has two of his wives giving him head. I could have gone to his room, but I'm mad at the motherfucker, and I'm about to cock block this bitch. I jump up on the coffee table at his feet and throw up my hands as I start to rap. "I'm a bad bitch, I'm a cunt."
"RM, knock it off!"
"And I'll kick that hoe, punt."
"Shut the fuck up!"
"RM is who you ain't fuckin' with."
"I ain't gonna fucking tell you again!"
"Raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon. Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon. Like a dungeon dragon, like a dungeon dragon! Raah, ra-"
Negan gets up and takes a hold of the back of my neck as he drags me through the parlor. "We'll see how fucking funny it is here in a minute, bitch."
"Fuck you, you fucking fuckass!"
Negan shoves me in his closet and makes it so I'm not able to get out.
So I do a few hours in the hole. That look on his stupid face was well fucking worth it.
I see he's come to his senses, only when the door opens it's mother Sherry.
"He's gone, you can come out."
"You're going to get in trouble if he finds out."
"Fuck him. I thought you cock blocking him was fucking hilarious. He never could get a stiffy after that."
You know, I think I might be starting to like this bitch.
"Come on, let's get all this blood off you." She extends out her hand.
"Is this a trick?"
"No. Negan told me why you were all bloody. I'm glad you stand up for yourself, RM. Not just as a woman, but for what you believe in. That's pretty rare these days."
I let Sherry wash my hair since I fucking hate doing it. She was real gentle and shit. Though when it came time to brush it that was another story. "Too hard. Too hard!"
"You have a lot of tangles, RM."
"Ouch!"
"Stop fidgeting, you're making it worse."
"You're hurting me!"
"Bitch, what are you doing out of the closet?!" Negan slams the parlor door.
"Don't call her a bitch!"
"Shut the fuck up, Sherry! Who let her out?"
"Who do you think? It was Sherry," Nympho wife proudly announces.
Negan points at his room.
Nympho wife gets up and starts to walk towards it.
"You fucked up big time, Sherry."
Sherry rolls her eyes at Negan.
I almost start laughing at how she doesn't give two shits about his empty threats. So much for Negan's clean sheets.
Ew. Nympho wife doesn't even bother getting dressed as she passes by me before I go into Negan's room.
Negan's not much better. Only in some thin pajama pants with half a chubby poking the material up.
Gross. "I hope you bagged your shit before you stuck it in that bitch wrinkle."
"Not that it's any of your goddamn business what I do."
"Fuck you."
"Fuck you!"
"Fuck you, bitch!"
"You need to fucking get over this shit, RM. Boo-fucking-hoo I was mean to you."
"You think I give a shit how you treat me? It was your lack of compassion. The way you condone letting those sick fucks kick around a person! They murdered him."
"He's not a person!"
"I hate you!"
"Shut your fucking mouth or back in the closet you go."
I give him the middle finger before locking my own self in the closet.
Oh, Jesus, fuck, I'm dying. I know I am.
"What the fucking fuck is going on in here?!" Negan nudges my arm with the front of his boot. "Have you been in this closet for two fucking days?! It smells like piss in here!"
"I didn't have a bucket."
"Unbe-fucking-lievable. RM, why didn't you leave the fucking closet?"
"I thought you locked it!"
"You put your own self in the closet!"
"I did? Oh, yeah, that's right." I start to snicker, then my brow furrows. "You mean I pissed my own pants for nothing?"
Negan hooks my arm and drags me from the closet. "Drink this, before you fucking die of dehydration."
"I got bigger problems than water." I march my soggy self and my beauties to the bathroom, which, apparently, my situation is noticed by all the other wives. Nosy parkers! Damn. Gonna need a shower for this.
Negan thinks I need a babysitter as he supervises over me.
"Look away, I'm naked, you rude fuck!"
"You're naked all the goddamn time!"
"Look away!"
He rolls his eyes, turning his head.
I bathe my beauties first. "I'm sorry," I frown.
"Maybe I could have been a little nicer to you."
"I'm not apologizing to you, you dumpy fuck face. I'm talking to them." I carefully lay the fabric out on the towel rack to dry. At least I pissed him off enough to leave me alone. I wish I had known he was going to make me clean that closet out before I decided to bathe, but did I really expect someone else to clean up my mess? Madsen maybe. He'd clean it up for me. God, I miss that fucker…
"Hey, dingus, did you put the handcuffs somewhere?"
"Yep."
"Well, I'm ready for bed."
"I'm not gonna handcuff you anymore."
"What? Come on, man. I had a real long day."
"You can stay here tonight, but then you're getting a room downstairs."
"All because I pissed in the closet?!"
"RM, you're on my last fucking nerve, and I don't just mean right now. All we do is fucking argue. I'm not doing this shit with you anymore. Especially, if you ain't putting out."
"I like arguing with you."
"Yeah, no fucking shit. It's time you do this on your own. I can't keep you chained to the goddamn floor."
"What if I can't do this on my own?"
He shrugs, sitting down on his chair. "Not really my fucking problem."
"Am I in trouble? I don't," I whine, "I don't like this!"
"Tough tits."
"Whose tits have you been feeling that are hard? Of all the stupid fuckery that comes outta your mouth." I stamp my foot. "I want my handcuffs!"
"Too fucking bad! Now shut the shit up, I'm doing inventory."
I thrust myself down on my pallet.
"She bitches because I tie her up and now she bitches she's free."
"Fuck you."
"Yeah, but you won't."
"Yeah, you're fucking right about that."
I didn't sleep well last night. Oddly, being tied up gave me some sense of security. Negan is nowhere to be found. Hopefully, he fucking came to his senses. As I start to grab the knob on the bathroom door, I hear his voice.
"I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing."
"Look, you're doing the right thing. It's time she does this on her own. You can't hold her hand forever, or chain her to the floor."
"That's what I said, and you know how she responded? She thinks she's in trouble. That I'm mad at her. I worry about her mental state, Sherry."
My mental state?
"Her mental state?"
"Her mental capacity can't be anything more than that of a 5 year old."
"She does look young. Maybe she's only like 14-"
"Not fucking funny, Sherry. I'm not a goddamn pervert."
"She's not dumb, Negan."
"I'm not calling her fucking dumb! I'm saying there ain't something right."
"Like?"
"Every day things that you and I know, she doesn't. She still plays in the fucking bathtub, and that's about the only thing she uses it for."
"She kept trying to use the bar soap on her hair, so I just did it for her. When I brushed it she had tangles everywhere. It was awful."
"She can't even tie her shoes, she just stuffs the laces inside. I've been trying to teach her how to read, and it's way worse than what I thought. Every day is something else she doesn't know how to do. Her mom was the biggest piece of shit abandoning her like that. I think this Madsen fuck is the only stability she's ever had, except for me, but now I'm pushing her away and I don't know what the fuck to do."
He's telling all my secrets! He fucking told her about Madsen! Goddamn him! Goddammit! Fuck you, Negan, I murmur, leaving the parlor.
Door after door was slammed in my face when they realized I wasn't here to let any of them fuck me. I hate Negan! This is what Mama tried to warn me about. Don't let people in because you're feeling vulnerable. Especially a man. She'd laugh in my fucking face and tell me to quit being such a pussy if she saw the way I let Negan get under my skin.
Simon knocks on my head.
Yeah. I'll say that again. He fucking knocks.
"Anyone home? The mothership take you back?"
I giggle and turn to face him. "I wish..."
"Why the long face, friend?"
"Negan's being a fucking fucktwat." I feel bad for talking shit. Especially, because it puts Simon in an awkward position. I don't want him to get in trouble for agreeing with me or any of that shit. "You headed somewhere?"
"Supply run."
"Can I come?"
"It's not safe, and the safety of his wives is first and foremost."
"I'm not a wife."
"You should tell him that because he seems to think otherwise." Simon points upstairs.
Guess he didn't get the memo Negan is making me move out. Damn, I don't want to go back! I'm hoping Simon would change his mind, but he doesn't and I find myself right back where I started. When I walk into the parlor, Negan is still having his little pow-wow with Sherry. Fuck this. Fuck him. I'm off my leash right? If he wants me gone, so fucking be it! I plan to get as far as fucking possible as I can. I yank off my pillowcase and start packing. Extra pair of shorts, six shirts, two more pairs of beauties, one box of gloves, my aliens Dwight carved, three bags of Cheetos, and my tabloids. Hmm, I don't have that many cigarettes left. I wanted to stop and say goodbye to Dwight, but he's not in his room. I'm still not too good at this reading stuff. Goodbye has too many goddamn letters to try and figure out so I just draw a door on a piece of paper with my name on it. I hurry off and after Simon to the courtyard. You know, for being these ruthless motherfuckers, the Saviors are kind of dumb. I slip right into the back of this red suburban without any trouble. I'm not sure where we're going, but some of the grunts keep talking about an offering. Simon is the last to get in and we're finally on our way. I've never been in one of these suburban things before. It's not as fun as Madsen's motorcycle.
I figured we'd be going on a supply run like Simon said, but we pull over in a parking lot. There's already a group waiting on the Saviors. Oh my god. My hot breath fogs up the window. I wipe it away, only for it to fog up again. One of the men from the newest group is the finest fuck I have seen since Madsen. He actually even looks a little bit like Madsen. A very serious fuck me face as he watches protectively over the others. I need to get my stockings on that sexy stubble! I've made up my fucking mind. Yeah, my fucking mind. I snatch my satchel and carefully climb from the suburban. One of the other group's trucks has this wooden cage on the back that I climb in to.
Simon shakes what I assume is the leader's hand because of the big stick he's holding.
Heh, he has cool hair.
The leader starts for the truck I'm in with that fine fuck beside him. "You seem to have other matters of import on your mind."
"Hunting swine," my sexy fuck replies.
"Tomorrow, Richard."
I'm gonna scream that name so loud. Richard and RM. I like that. As the truck speeds off, I slide across the bed of it and I try to contain my giggles. This is the funnest ride ever! I grab the slats in the wood and peek through them as I watch the Savior's red suburban disappear into the distance. Good riddance, you dumpy fuck. Hellooooo, Richard!
A/N The Jock Cranley name Simon is talking about is actually a reference from Steven Ogg's character Trevor in GTA 5. Thank you for all the follows and favorites. I know this story is disconcerting at times, and I plan to continue down that path but do like I always have and lighten it up with a bit of humor. The reviews I've received are so thoughtful. I really appreciate all your support. The next update will be a few weeks because the ending was a last minute change and I want to get the Kingdom right.
