"Demyx? Are you doing all right in there?"
"Yeah...I'm okay..."
Something about his tone of voice made Roxas wary. He opened Demyx's - well, Fori's - bedroom door, not sure what he'd find. As it turned out, Demyx was sitting on the bed, watching his new kitten pawing at a little furry toy with a bell inside it that was dangling from the edge of the desk. "She seems to be doing well," Roxas said cautiously, not sure exactly what Demyx's current state of mind was except that it was likely to be fragile. "Are you doing all right?" he added, noticing how Demyx was cradling his injured arm.
Demyx nodded distantly. "Yeah...took a couple Tylenol a few minutes ago...just waiting for it to kick in..."
Roxas sat down next to him, and the kitten left off her game to twine around his ankles. "I hate to break it to you, but you may need something more powerful than Tylenol."
That had a totally unexpected reaction. Demyx's eyes flashed bright with fear for an instant, then narrowed with defensive anger. "I'm fine," he said, more hotly than necessary.
Roxas drew back a little. "Okay...I'll take your word for it...I just thought you might be more comfortable -"
"No." Demyx jerked his head away from him, wincing visibly as he did so. "I'm fine with just the Tylenol."
Roxas sighed. "Demyx, you're in pain. You're in a lot of pain. You can't even turn your head without looking like you're going to cry. I don't think the Tylenol is doing it for you."
Demyx pulled away, biting his lip. "It hasn't taken effect yet. I just took it a few minutes ago." The kitten jumped up on his lap, and he stroked her gingerly, with only his left hand. "Once it kicks in, I'll be fine..."
Roxas sighed again, well on his way to irritated. "Now what could possibly give me the idea you're in denial?"
Demyx's eyes flashed with anger and fear. "I'm not in denial, and I don't need stronger painkillers."
Roxas shook his head. "Demyx...listen to yourself...you sound exactly like you're in denial." Demyx started, then flinched. "See? You're actually afraid of taking painkillers. Why is that?"
Demyx glared angrily at him, then sighed and seemed to collapse in on himself. "I'm afraid of getting addicted," he said in a very small voice.
Roxas decided he should have expected that from the outset. "Well...guess I can't blame you for that..."
Demyx gently cradled the cat with his good arm. "Kinda stupid of me, I know..."
The cat mewed and batted at his chest. "Not at all," Roxas said. "Consider Axel's example."
"I...I know. I...I don't wanna be like that..."
Roxas unthinkingly put an arm around Demyx's shoulders, and Demyx nearly screamed. "Oh - I'm sorry - I wasn't thinking - but, see, that's what I'm talking about. You're in pain all the time, and you're miserable."
Demyx sighed, holding his injured shoulder. "Well...I've lived through worse, at least..."
Roxas snorted. "With the help of painkillers."
"I wasn't just talking about physical injury."
For a moment, Roxas was torn between wanting to know what Demyx was talking about and not wanting to bring up what couldn't not be an extremely painful subject. Eventually, he decided not to go there. "But, see, every time you were this badly injured before, you took painkillers, and you never became addicted..."
Demyx shook his head. "I know, but...Axel's been drinking for about as long as I've known him, and it took him this long to become addicted..."
"How do you know?"
Demyx started and flinched. "What do you mean?"
Roxas shrugged, wishing he hadn't opened his mouth. "Maybe he was addicted all along and it only became a big problem now."
Demyx thought for a minute, looking extremely uncomfortable. "I guess that could be the case...maybe if I'd realized it earlier..."
Roxas sighed. "Forget I said anything. He probably wouldn't have listened to you if you'd told him. Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it..."
"S'okay," Demyx murmured absently, reflexively stroking the kitten curled up on his lap. Roxas sighed and left the two of them there, wondering what sort of can of worms he'd just opened - and also wondering what might have happened if he'd realized Axel had a drinking problem before he lost all control.
Vexen had told him the fact that he was actually in more pain now than when he'd first been injured was a good sign. It meant that damaged nerve endings were being repaired, and it boded well for him eventually regaining the full use of his arm and shoulder. Frankly, Demyx was unconvinced. Right then, it felt like he'd never be able to take a deep breath without cringing again.
He'd been through worse, though. At least this time, he had full access to good medical care, and a warm, comfortable place to sleep - or at least rest - at night, and a ready supply of decent food, and most importantly, people around that he could rely on completely and trust with his life.
Yeah. People like Axel.
It was still better than leaning against a cold brick wall, hoping potential customers either didn't notice or deliberately ignored his blistered, frostbitten hands and face, because in the middle of winter, he didn't have any other way of making the money he needed for any sort of real medical care, or a decent pair of gloves, or food.
Thank the Gods Roxas hadn't decided to ask for details. He'd have been horrified.
Consolation rolled over and yawned, exposing a bright pink tongue and little white teeth. "You don't care, do you?" he murmured, tickling the cat's stomach gently. "It doesn't matter to you what I used to be..." Connie batted at his finger with her front paws - clearly not. "Thank you. You're the only one I'd tell, because I know you'd never repeat it." The cat's response was to stand up on her hind paws and put her front paws on his shoulder - his left shoulder, thankfully. "But since you don't care, it doesn't matter whether I tell you or not...you're probably not the least bit curious about it...you couldn't care less one way or the other that I used to be a prostitute."
In five years, he'd never consciously breathed a hint of that to anyone else in the Organization. But here he was, confessing to a kitten he'd just adopted yesterday. Connie blinked at him solemnly, as if to say "So what?"
Demyx gently stroked her fur, head to tail. "You're right. Odds are Axel and Roxas wouldn't care if they knew. Or at least wouldn't care much. Doesn't mean I'm in a hurry to tell 'em..." He sighed and blinked furiously, remembering the good old days when the three of them were nothing but best friends. No bullies. No victims. No helpers or enablers or guardians. Just friends.
"Mew," said Connie as she settled back into his lap.
"Why did you end up at the shelter anyway?" Demyx mused, more to himself than anything. "Did you lose someone you loved, and who loved you, and there was no one left to take care of you? Were you left out on the street? Did someone who should have been taking care of you throw you out like a piece of trash? Did someone who should have protected you hurt you instead?" Connie rubbed her head against the inside of his elbow, making him wince. "Maybe it doesn't matter to you anymore...I guess it shouldn't matter to me either..." Demyx sighed. "But it does. Axel was the first real friend I ever had. And he is a real friend. He's one of my best friends. He never would have hurt me like this if it wasn't for the alcohol...sure, he's decked me a couple times while sober, but it was always a misunderstanding...besides, I always got back at him somehow..." He shook his head. "I sound like I'm trying to justify staying in an abusive relationship, don't I. But...it's only abusive as long as Axel keeps drinking...if he can just stop drinking, everything can go back to the way it was...can't it...?"
Demyx covered his face with his good hand and sobbed. What if nothing went back to the way it was? What if things had changed forever? What if he'd never be close to Axel again? What if Axel never stopped drinking? What if he died?
"Mew."
Demyx looked down. Connie was snuggled up against his stomach, looking up at him pleadingly as if asking him to keep stroking her fur. He did so obediently, praying that things did work out in the end, because he didn't think he could take it otherwise.
Good morning, asshole. Welcome to another glorious day of having to live with yourself.
All Axel really wanted to do was go back to sleep and never wake up again. If it could even count as going back to sleep. It was more like passing out from exhaustion and weakness for an hour or two.
Roxas and Demyx were idiots. Stupid, naive idiots.
And Lung Jiu Gui kept pounding on the inside of his head and kicking at the inside of his stomach, demanding a drink or he'd make Axel even more miserable. Well, fuck that. He couldn't make Axel any more miserable. Axel could not get any more miserable.
He suddenly threw up over the side of the bed. Then again, maybe he could.
You know what? Fuck this shit...
Demyx and Lung Qin Xiang had never been truly separate entities. Axel and Lung Jiu Gui were even less so. There was Axel, and there was Axel drunk, and there was Axel going nuts from withdrawal. If anything, Axel was Lung Jiu Gui. The drunken dragon. The drunken monster.
His hands were shaking uncontrollably as he wiped his mouth, wishing for a stupid glass of water to rinse with so his mouth wouldn't taste like spew for the rest of the day. The best he had was the sweat from his palms. And it wasn't like he'd get a chance to ask anyone for such a thing - the only people he was sure to see today were Vexen and Fori. Aside from the fact that Fori actively delighted in belittling him and Vexen treated him as somewhat lower than a Dusk, neither of them understood sign language.
It would have been nice if he'd just been left alone.
Alone to rot.
Like a prisoner on death row. Just waiting for the guards to come and take him away to the chamber.
Roxas's stupid cat suddenly hopped down from whatever high perch it had found for itself and settled down on Axel's still-roiling stomach. That might be a dangerous place to be, Axel wanted to warn it. You could be in the line of fire. Even if he could have said a word, the cat probably would have ignored him completely. Cats were like that. Then the cat stood up again, and started rearranging itself for maximum comfort, and one paw landed in what turned out to be a very bad spot on Axel's stomach. He leaned over the bed and threw up again.
The cat had hopped off him as soon as he started moving, but as soon as he lay back, it returned, arranging itself on his stomach once more. Axel groaned silently, but the cat didn't move, nor did it poke him in the stomach and make him sick again. In fact, as long as it stayed there and held the hell still, his nausea actually died down a bit.
At least one thing was sort of going right.
"I don't get it," Roxas complained aloud to himself. "I know he was somewhere in my room last night." Either that cat was very good at staying just out of his field of vision, or he had simply disappeared. "Demyx..."
"Yeah?"
"Have you seen my cat?"
"Not since we got back from Twilight Town..."
Roxas sighed. "Where could he have gone so fast? I left my door shut..."
Through the bathroom doors - he'd learned to keep his own open since Demyx moved into Fori's room, because it made Demyx more comfortable - Roxas could see Demyx sitting on the bed, stroking his own kitten. "Did you take him anywhere?"
"Yeah, I took him up to Axel's room, but I also brought him back..."
Demyx shrugged lopsidedly. "Ask Axel. Just maybe he knows something."
Roxas sighed again. "It seems like a long shot, but...well, I don't have any better idea than that, so..." He shrugged. "I might as well check."
"All right. But, Rox..." Demyx suddenly looked hesitant.
"Yeah?"
"I...I...when you get back, I wanna talk to you...it's kind of important."
Roxas nodded and teleported right to Axel's hospital room. The missing cat was curled up on Axel's abdomen, accepting Axel's shaky-handed petting as though it were no less than his due. "...How the hell did he get there?" Axel shrugged without interrupting the petting session. "Oh, come on..." He picked the cat up, but he promptly squirmed out of Roxas's arms and settled on Axel's chest. "...All right...he seems to have adopted you instead of me..." Suddenly, an acrid stench caught his attention. "Axel...have you been sick?"
Axel nodded. Sorry for the smell, he signed weakly, holding his hands out of the cat's line of sight.
Roxas sighed. "Just wait until I move the litterbox...no, forget it. He can't stay here. You can't take care of him."
Axel shrugged carefully. Blackmail Fori. Make him do it.
"He might eat him..." Axel wrapped his arms protectively around the cat and shook his head. "...Or not."
Axel sighed silently. I like this cat, he sighed as the cat batted at his shaking hands. He makes me feel better.
Roxas quickly checked which side of the bed the mess was on, then went over to the other side and stroked Axel's hair gently. Axel seemed to relax at his touch, very much like a cat. "Axel...are you all right?"
Axel shook his head, his eyes gleaming with a strange, frightening light. No. I'm not all right. I'm sick. Vexen is only making me sicker. He and Xigbar are trying to kill me. They just don't want the rest of the Organization to figure it out, so they've chained me up here and are waiting for me to die on my own.
Roxas was having a hard time believing his eyes. "...What?"
Axel's hands were shaking more than ever. You heard me. Saw me. Whatever. They're trying to kill me. Because I'm so dangerous.
"...Axel, no they're not! They're trying to help you clean up! Sure, they don't want you to hurt anyone else, but they're not desperate enough to kill you!" Axel looked like he wanted to reply to that, but his throat bobbed suddenly, and he leaned over the other side of the bed and threw up. "Ax...!" Roxas rubbed his back gently as the disturbed cat hopped onto Roxas's shoulder. "Come on...no one is trying to kill you. This...this is just withdrawal symptoms getting at you."
The cat hopped back onto the bed, flattening itself against Axel's side. Axel looked up at Roxas, his face pale and slick with sweat. Do you think I'll ever clean up?
"Well - yes. Of course."
Now there were tears mingling with the sweat rolling down Axel's face. I don't. Not right now.
Tell him. Don't tell him. Tell him. Don't tell him.
It was lovely to have a warm kitten to stroke. Demyx didn't feel like he was just sitting there worrying alone. Especially since it was taking so long for Roxas to get back.
"Demyx? I'm back..."
Demyx looked up quickly, trying not to flinch - it hurt to move his neck and head so suddenly. "Rox? Didn't you find your cat?"
"Yeah...he somehow found its way into Axel's room...no idea how...but he seems to prefer Axel for a pet Nobody. I left him in Axel's room. It seemed easier." Roxas sighed heavily and sat down next to Demyx. "...Axel's cracking up. He's convinced Vexen and Xigbar are trying to kill him, or at least deliberately letting him die."
Without really meaning to, Demyx started stroking Roxas's hair just like he'd been stroking Connie a few moments earlier. "Poor Ax. I hope it's just the withdrawal..."
"Even if he is..." Roxas shook his head. "He's not doing well. He's physically sick - he puked right in front of me. And he's so white and shaky..." Connie mewed and climbed into Roxas's lap, and he started stroking her fur almost unthinkingly. "He's in a bad way..." He rubbed his eyes. "Sorry. You had something you wanted to talk about?"
Demyx shrugged lopsidedly. "It's not so much that I had something to talk about, as I just wanted to talk." He bit his lip, wondering how he was going to start. "I...I'm just praying that someday, somehow, everything can go back to the way it used to be. When the three of us were just best friends, and Axel was the big brother, and...we didn't have to be scared, of or for him."
Roxas leaned on his shoulder. "I know what you mean. I wonder sometimes...if I ever had a friend as good as Axel before...and if I did, what happened to them and whether or not they miss me..."
Demyx couldn't help but give him a hug. "If they were anything like Axel, I know they do." He sighed. "I know I never did. I know I told you once that Axel was the first friend I ever had...when I got here, it was the first time in four years anyone cared whether I lived or died."
Roxas smiled wanly. "I did kinda get that impression. I have this mental image of you as a kid, sitting on a street corner in the cold and snow, playing sitar with an open instrument case in front of you in case someone took pity on you and tossed a couple coins in..."
Demyx took a deep breath. If I keep talking now, there's no turning back... "That...wasn't the only thing I did. During the winter, I couldn't make much money playing sitar...I had to do something else."
Roxas looked at him warily. "I think you told me that once before, but you never said what else you did."
Demyx swallowed hard. "...I was a prostitute."
Roxas stared at him in confusion. "What? But...you were only a kid when you lost your heart, weren't -" His eyes suddenly widened, and he clapped a hand over his mouth. "Kingdom Hearts."
"I wasn't much younger than you are now...but I'd been doing it for a few years." Demyx sighed and rubbed at his eyes. Five years on, the memories kept haunting his dreams and his thoughts. He was still so disgusted with himself - "It was the only thing I could do," he murmured softly, as much to himself as to Roxas. "It was the only way."
"I guess..." Roxas said, looking a little stunned. "I mean...I suspected shoplifting or something. Not...that."
Demyx bowed his head. "I know...shattering, isn't it? I'm sorry..."
"Well..." Roxas hesitated. "I guess it explains a few things about you."
Demyx looked up at him dully. "Like what?"
"Like why you never seem to be happy with yourself. Why you're always so down on yourself. You seem to hate yourself, and I never had a clue why before." Demyx started a little - he hadn't expected that answer. "And...I guess, why you kind of mentally absent yourself from the conversation whenever I mention trying to get my memories back."
Demyx squeezed tears from his eyes and forced a weak smile. "That's part of what makes you so special. You're the only one of us who's not living under some sort of cloud. I mean, your past cannot have been pretty, because if it was, you wouldn't have lost your heart - but you don't remember it. You don't have to live with it." He sighed. "I'd like to forget."
Roxas nodded, looking intensely thoughtful. "I understand."
"...What are you thinking about?"
"What you'd be like if you couldn't remember."
Demyx snorted. "It'd have to be an improvement."
Roxas shook his head. "I don't think so."
Axel rubbed angrily at his eyes, wishing his eyelids would quit flickering like that. It was driving him batshit. Well, more batshit. Fuck, his whole body was shaking; why shouldn't his eyelids get in on the act?
God, he was going fucking insane.
Vexen probably gave him something to cause it.
What had Roxas told him? That Vexen was trying to help him clean up, not kill him? That it was just withdrawal symptoms working at his mind?
Fuck that. What did Roxas know?
The cat rolled over in its sleep - lucky cat, it could actually sleep - and started unconsciously kneading his side with its paws. The cat, at least, wasn't out to get him; he knew that for a fact.
What was its name, anyway? Didn't Roxas say it was...huh. Consolation? That rang a bell; Axel remembered thinking that was a stupid name for a cat...no, that was the name of Demyx's cat. What had Roxas said? What was it...oh, yeah. That the cat had no name yet. Well, if the cat was going to be staying in here with him, that meant Axel had to give it a name.
The cat roused a little and rubbed its head against Axel's bony chest, not seeming to care how badly his hands trembled as he stroked its fur. It seemed crazy, but that little tiger-striped cat seemed to be Axel's only tenuous link to sanity. It was real. It was tangible. It didn't pop in and out of his room like a ghost. It was there. It kept him company.
So Demyx had a cat named Consolation.
Huh. Solace and Consolation.
Solace wasn't that dumb a name for a cat. And he could always call it "Sol" for short.
Was it male or female? Axel checked quickly - male. Neutered male. Oh well. Actually, probably just as well.
Solace, Axel mouthed to himself as he stroked the cat's fur. Your name is Solace. It would have been nice if he could have said the cat's name aloud, but...well, he couldn't and that was that.
The door opened suddenly. Zexion recoiled almost immediately. "Eight..." Axel shrugged helplessly. Zexion shook his head in disgust. "And of course this coincides with Fifteen's abrupt refusal to work in this area..." That baffled Axel - Fori didn't have a whole lot more respect for authority than he did, but he didn't just refuse to follow orders. He was neither dumb nor suicidal.
Then Zexion seemed to notice Solace for the first time. "...Of course. That would explain it. Fifteen is allergic to cats." Then he disappeared right back out the door, presumably for a mop and bucket.
Axel's first reaction was confusion and vague amusement. He couldn't imagine Fori being allergic to anything, barring maybe crucifixes and holy water. And cats? How mundane...but now, at least, he wouldn't have Fori making snide remarks at him all the time as long as Sol was in here...
Shit. The second part of what that meant started to sink in. Dammit, he needed Fori around. He needed someone who could keep track of his blood sugar and make sure he was getting the correct dose of insulin and come up with right answers in a flash as opposed to fifteen minutes...
Oh, God. Vexen is trying to kill me...
AN: 'Tis an odd day.
