It was nearly 11 o'clock and Bella was completely asleep. She had fallen asleep, book in hand. It was something she had done thousands of times before. And it was so hard to believe that it wasn't exactly the same. I walked over to the bed and gently took the book from her, marked the page and placed it on the pile next to her bed. I pulled the blanket up so that it completely covered her and kissed her forehead, letting a single tear escape and slide down my cheek.
I hated the physical distance I created during the day. My arms craved to hold her. My lips were so tempted by her own. This was not the way that things were supposed to be, and I didn't know how much longer I'd be able to keep my true identity from her. She was meant to be in my arms at all times. My body craved to be closer to hers. These nights were the only thing keeping me strong.
Alice quietly opened the door and slid into the room. She walked to my side and looked down at Bella as she slept. Her demeanor was soft and sweet toward my wife, but she crossed her arms over her chest and treated me coolly as she tried to determine whether or not I had completely lost my mind. I wouldn't disagree if her verdict committed me. "Okay, Edward. You need to tell me now why it is that you won't tell her who you really are."
I stroked Bella's cheek softly, trying to determine the best way to reveal my secret to Alice. "Do you remember when we were younger and Bella used to spend the night at our house every other weekend?" I asked, eyes never leaving my beautiful Bella.
Alice snorted crossing her arms over her chest like a petulant child, "Of course I do. That we before you stole her away from me. But what does that have to do with anything, Edward?"
"What did we learn about her then?" I whispered as I brushed a piece of hair from her forehead. I couldn't deny myself the softness of Bella's skin. Looking at her all day long was pure torture, and I couldn't help but indulge in these moments.
"A lot of things." Alice answered in exasperation. "Be more specific, Edward."
As if on cue, Bella spoke, "Edward…I love you."
Alice gasped and looked back at me. I nodded, "She remembers, but only subconsciously." My brow furrowed, and I resisted the urge to run my hands through my hair as they were occupied with rememorizing my wife's velvet smooth skin. "I need to figure out how to bridge the gap." I sighed and turned away from Bella. "This is why I don't want to tell her my true identity. If she knows who I truly am, I won't be sure that when she's talking in her sleep, she still remembers."
"Edward…Anthony…Cullen" Bella breathed.
Alice's eyes were so wide that I thought that they might have come out of their sockets. "She's made the connection."
I nodded. "She made the connection immediately. She never said my full name in her sleep until I introduced myself as Anthony." I ran my hands over my face, "I'm missing something. I don't know how to build the bridge to bring her back."
Alice placed her hand on my arm, "Edward, I think we're on the right track. She remembered your proposal today. That is a good sign. If we can pull back one memory, surely we can pull everything back."
I nodded absent mindedly. I was watching Bella again. She was smiling in her sleep. I ran my hands through her hair and relished the soft texture. "I don't know how much longer I can keep myself from letting her know the truth. I can't take not being able to tell her how much I love her. Every time she smiles, I want to take her lips with my own. I want to hold her in my arms and press her body so close to mine that I'll be able to feel her there for the rest of my life. I need her to remember."
Alice slumped into a nearby chair, "Maybe that would be the way to get her to remember."
I let out a strangled chuckle, "Yeah, attacking her with all my sexual frustration. I'm sure that will tell her exactly who she is."
"It's just a thought, Edward." She said with a sigh. "I'm trying to think of anything that will bring her back quickly. You have no idea how hard it is to be around you," she growled at me. "You're so deep into this that it affects everything that you do. Renesmee asked me tonight if you and Bella were in a fight. She says you've been acting really sad lately."
I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. She was right, I was unable to act normally, I couldn't even be a father to my own children. I needed Bella back so badly. "What did you tell her?"
"The truth," she said simply. "That you were working so hard making Bella better that you weren't acting like yourself." She stood up and walked over to me, "Edward, I'm not telling you that you don't have a right to be upset, we're all upset. It's just that if you're going to hide the truth from your children, you need to do a better job at acting like yourself."
I straightened up and pulled my sister into a tight hug. "Thank you for putting up with me, Alice. I know I'm a mess right now."
She smiled at me, love and worry for me showing in her bright eyes, before pushing me away playfully. "I'm not doing it for you." She looked down at Bella and took her hand lightly, "I'm doing it for her. I'd do anything to keep her in our lives. I'm not going to let her be taken from us."
She let go of Bella's hand and turned back to me. She brought her hand up to my face and cupped my cheek. "It won't be much longer, Edward. I don't know what to tell you, but I can feel it. This will all be over soon. She wants to come back to us, we just have to be patient with her."
"I know Alice." And I did know. If there was one thing in this world that I could be sure of, it was the love that Bella and I shared. We were meant to be together. "It's just hard to be patient when it comes to Bella. I have and am nothing without her."
Alice nodded and we both looked back to her. The peaceful expression from earlier was gone. My heart constricted as her face contorted in pain. I kneeled beside her bed and watched her carefully. She began to mumble. "Edward?"
I took her hand in mine and rubbed circles into the back of her it with my thumb, hoping to provide some sort of comfort for here. "Baby, I'm right here."
Her head thrashed on the bed from one side to the other and her breathing had become erratic. Her chest rose and fell at a dangerous rate. I watched in horror as she began crying in her sleep. The sobs were loud and rough. They shook her whole frame.
"Edward! NO!" She bolted strait up in the bed and looked around the room. Confusion marred her perfect features as she tried to come to terms with where she was. Slowly her breathing and heart rate were coming back down to a less frightening speed. I could feel her pulse as it raced through the wrist of the hand that I still held.
"Bella," my own heart was still in my throat as I waited for her to acknowledge my presence. "Look at me."
She turned and locked her gaze with mine, confusion still prominent in her doe eyes. "Anthony, what are you doing here?"
I could feel the disappointment in the pit of my stomach for her lack of recognition, but I pushed it away. There were more important things to attend to at the moment. "You were screaming. Do you remember what you were dreaming about?"
She took a few deep breaths and I could feel her pulse returning to a normal pace. "It was some kind of an accident. I lost something, or forgot something." She shook her head as if trying to clear it, as if her mind were simply an etch-a-sketch that would be seen more easily once she'd cleared away the chicken scratch of the young child. "I don't remember the details. I know someone else was with me, but I don't remember who."
She pulled her hand from mine and ran it through her hair, a habit she'd picked up from me. I could see the pain in her eyes. She felt alone, and that hurt me more than anything, because I was here with her. I knew I should tell her what was really going on, erase the pain in her eyes, but I needed to know. I needed her to know. So I simply reached out and brushed my hand across her arm in what I hoped was a comforting gesture. "Are you alright?"
"I-I think so," She looked around the room. Surprised shown on her features as her gaze locked on something over my head. "What are you doing here, Alice?"
I had forgotten that Alice was in the room. I'd been so worried about Bella that the building could have caught on fire and I wouldn't have noticed. Alice pulled out something from her bag. "Renesmee wanted me to give this to you." I looked at the blanket as it exchanged hands. "She says that it will remind you that she loves you."
Bella brought the blanket to her face and inhaled the scent. She closed her eyes as she took in the scent of our home and our daughter. She opened her eyes and looked at us pleadingly, "I want to see them."
"What?" I couldn't comprehend what she was trying to ask.
"I want to see my children. I want to see Renesmee and Mason." She used the full power of her beautiful brown eyes on me as she worked the names around on her tongue. "Please."
I could deny her nothing. So I simply nodded my head. Her smile was blinding, but I had to hold up my hand and temper her enthusiasm. "You have to realize that they have no idea that you've lost your memory. It will be hard, but you will have to pretend that nothing has changed."
She nodded, "I know, I just need to see them. You have no idea how hard it is to place myself as a mother when I can't even picture my children." I knew she felt the same about the marriage concept, but I'd had that argument with too many people today.
Alice cut in to my train of thought. "I'll bring them in when I come to visit tomorrow. Renesmee will be so happy. She's been begging to come see you."
Bella smiled. "Thank you, Alice."
I could see the exhaustion in her expression. She needed her rest if she was going to act like herself tomorrow. "Bella, why don't you go back to sleep? Alice and I will be back tomorrow."
Bella nodded and yawed. She leaned back and held the blanket close to her heart as she closed her eyes.
As Alice and I left the room, I thought of Bella holding that blanket 4years earlier with a baby girl wrapped in it. Renesmee had held onto that blanket like Linus had in the Peanuts. I'd never had the heart to take it from her, and I was thankful that I hadn't because I knew that it brought Bella some form of comfort tonight.
I let my mind drift to the dream that hand woken Bella. She was remembering the accident, but she'd said she'd forgotten something. I hoped that she'd remember it soon, because I had a feeling that it was the true barrier holding us apart.
