This chapter was a stone bitch to write. I dunno why. I'm still not sure I'm pleased with the end result, but I can't spend any more time on it. Sorry for the delay in updates, too. Not only did this chapter give me problems, but I had a rough couple of weeks. Much love and thanks to all my reviewers!
"Potter." Severus looked at the boy standing in front of his desk. Harry's arms were crossed in front of his chest and there was a stubborn twist to his mouth. Gryffindors. "Is there something I can help you with?"
"I'm here for my lab period, sir."
Severus could feel a migraine coming on. "I suppose this is my own fault for crediting you with far too much intelligence," he said, deliberately cruel. "I thought even you would have the necessary intellect to realize that it is no longer wise to continue these sessions. A gross overestimation on my part."
But Harry didn't even flinch. "I think we can both agree that I need these lab periods, professor." Severus didn't miss the emphasis Harry placed on that word. "Unless you want me blowing myself up every Potions class."
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. "We've established, Potter, that my self-control isn't what it should be around you."
"So what? You're afraid that you'll- you'll," the boy colored slightly, "rape me or something?"
Severus stared aghast at Harry. Did the boy honestly think him capable of something like that? The very thought made him ill.
Harry nodded as though Severus answered him. "I didn't think so," he said confidently. "You'd stop if I said no." The boy took a step towards where Severus was sitting behind his desk. "So what's the problem?"
The Potions Master was once again struck by the amount of trust Harry had placed in him. Since when had he become so trustworthy? "Surely even you can appreciate the impropriety of the situation, Potter. I am your professor, you are my student. There is a line between us that should never be crossed- a line that I did cross. And given the temptation, it is a line I will likely cross again."
"And what if I said I don't care?"
Severus looked up at Harry sharply. The boy had been sent from hell just to torment him, he was suddenly sure of it. He'd begun to look less and less like James to Severus' eyes. He'd never be conventionally handsome like Diggory had been or beautiful like Draco Malfoy, but you had to be blind not to appreciate the decent muscle tone the boy had, with not an ounce of excess fat on him, or his golden tan, or the way that infernally messy black hair set off those beautiful green eyes. No, the rest of the world might not see Harry as beautiful, but Severus did. As beautiful as sin.
Severus shook those thoughts off- they were hardly conducive to the situation. "That's neither here nor there, Potter," he replied dryly. "You have the least to lose if this… debacle were to be discovered."
"Debacle-"
"You'd be seen as the victim," Severus cut off the boy's righteous indignation before it could truly start. "Poor Harry Potter, having to deal with the nasty Potions Master pawing at him."
"You didn't paw-"
"And you really think that would matter?" Severus raised a single eyebrow. "I am your professor. I have a certain amount of power over you. And such… actions are seen as an abuse of that power. With good reason."
Harry huffed indignantly. "You could never make me do anything that I didn't want to."
Severus had to struggle to suppress a smile. The boy had never spoken a truer word. "Be that as it may, Potter," he said solemnly without betraying his amusement, "it changes nothing. Rules are put in place for a reason, as I'm sure Miss Granger has told you many times. But of course, you never did think the rules applied to you. Well, we don't all have the luxury of your celebrity."
The boy's face darkened. Severus' words were more of the kind he would have spoken to Harry last year. He'd meant them to hurt then, and he meant them to hurt now. But Harry only stepped closer to him. "You can't tell me that you've never broken a rule, Severus."
The sound of his name on Harry's lips sent a thrill down Severus' spine. He knew that he should berate the boy for it- take away points or give him a detention (with Filch, of course)- but instead he pretended he hadn't heard. And he fooled neither of them. "This is more akin to breaking a law, Potter."
"Harry." The boy was very close now. "Don't- not when it's just us. Call me Harry." His fingers ghosted along the edge of Severus' jaw. "I'm just Harry."
Almost of their own volition, Severus' hands reached up to him. "I'm not good for you," he murmured, quickly losing the will to resist, not with Harry so close, so obviously willing. "I'll hurt you. I'll ruin you."
"I don't care." And Harry bent his head to kiss him.
Severus knew he was lost at that moment. A better man than him could resist this temptation. A better man could have pushed Harry away and put an end to this. A better man would have gone to Albus and had a new professor take his place. But Severus had resisted this particular sin for what felt like a very long time and, well, he never had been an especially good man.
Instead of all the things he knew he should do, Severus lifted his wand and cast locking and silencing charms on his office. If he was going to sin, he'd do it away from prying eyes.
Harry felt giddy with success. Severus hadn't pushed him away. Severus was kissing him back. He'd won- Gryffindor daring had won over Slytherin cunning. Harry smiled against Severus' lips and decided to keep that particular observation to himself.
And then Severus was kissing Harry with such a fierceness that it took his breath away. For a moment he felt himself floundering, unsure of what to do. He'd certainly never been kissed like that before; what if he did it wrong and Severus threw him out again?
As if sensing his thoughts, Severus ran soothing hands over Harry's shoulders. The young wizard relaxed immediately; it didn't matter. Severus had no excuses this time to throw him out. He certainly couldn't claim that Harry hadn't wanted it.
After what felt like both hours and a few scant moments, they broke the kiss. Harry had somehow ended up sitting in Severus' lap, and the Potions Master was running his hand up and down his back. It felt nice, but Harry couldn't help but tense, remembering the moments after their last kiss had ended.
Severus probably felt the tension in Harry's back. His hand paused. "What's wrong?"
"You aren't going to throw me out again, are you?" Harry asked plaintively, aware that he sounded like a small child, but not really caring.
Something almost like pain flashed across Severus' face. "If you had any sense at all, you wouldn't want to be here."
Harry rolled his eyes. "Don't say it," he said suddenly. Severus looked at him in surprise. "Don't say that you're not a good man. You keep claiming that, but I don't see it. If you're such a bad man, why did you save my life? Why did you turn spy for Dumbledore? Why did you stop King from blackmailing me? If you're not a good man," Harry made sure he kept full eye contact with Severus, "why do you feel so damn guilty right now?"
"A good man wouldn't have done anything to feel guilty about," Severus muttered, but Harry could tell that the Potions Master was processing his argument.
Harry snorted. "That's bull and you know it. Everybody makes mistakes. Everyone breaks the rules. And sometimes," Harry grinned, "it's worth it."
Severus' hand started rubbing up and down Harry's back again and Harry leaned into the caress with a sigh, confident that he'd won for now. But Severus' voice drifted towards him, so soft that Harry had to strain to hear it. "How? How could you possibly want me?" Harry was surprised to hear the insecurity in Severus' voice. "You're young and desirable and certainly have no need for me. So why me, Harry?'
Harry frowned at Severus' wording. Have no need for me. "'Course I need you," he said, confused. "I need you around to keep me sane and remind me that I'm more than just a title. And I need you to keep me from blowing up the castle with my potions," he added, trying to lighten the mood.
But Severus didn't smile. "That isn't what I meant."
"Then I don't know what you mean," Harry snapped impatiently. He wasn't about to let Severus get all moody and cryptic on him. "As for why you- I already told you. You're safe, I trust you, and I found out just how much I liked kissing you, okay? That's why I chose you."
"Harry." Severus took hold of his chin, forcing their eyes to meet. "I want you to think about this. I am old enough to be your father. I can be vicious. I will hurt you, even when I don't mean to- no matter how much you trust me," he added dryly. "Your father, godfather and I loathed each other with a passion. Think about it."
Severus' words had the feeling of a test to them. Harry was silent a moment as he chose his words with care; he had no intention of failing this test. "I have thought about it," he said finally. "All week- and I know that's not very long in the scheme of things, but I don't think I'd come to a different conclusion, even if I took years. And I don't want to take years.
"I know Sirius and my dad wouldn't understand. And yeah, it hurts to think of their disapproval, but as much as I hate to admit it, they're gone. And I'd thought that without them, and with Dumbledore and Remus away doing work for the Order, that I would be without people who cared about me, as a person rather than the Boy Who Lived. You proved me wrong. You cared. You made me sit down and talk about the Dursleys and the cupboard. You made me believe that what they did to me was wrong."
"It was," Severus said forcefully.
"I know that now," Harry agreed. "Because of you. Don't you understand? You're the only one I could tell that to. You didn't baby me through it. You made me talk, told me that I didn't deserve it, and offered me a valid alternative. You're strong enough for me to lean on, but you won't let me lean on you all the time. And you see me as Harry, not as the Chosen One, and still manage to, err…" Harry faltered slightly, feeling his face heat up, "want me. And I've had all week to think about that and I've decided that I quite like the idea." Harry knew he was probably beet red at this point, but pushed his embarrassment aside. "I like your hands, and your voice is sexy, and you've got nice eyes, and your nose is perfect for your face, and I like the idea of us being together," he said in a rush. "And since both of us are at risk of being killed by a mad Dark wizard any day now, I don't think we should be wasting any more time."
Severus just looked at him silently for a few moments, his black gaze unfathomable. Harry tried not to squirm uncomfortably under that gaze; he'd just spilled his guts, wasn't Severus going to say anything? No, was apparently the answer, because Severus simply leaned in for a slow, languid kiss. "I don't think," the man said after breaking the kiss, leaning his forehead against Harry's, "that I have the strength to fight this anymore. Especially since I don't particularly want to." But his expression was still troubled. "I want you to be sure."
"I am," Harry said firmly. "I'm sure."
Severus nodded. "All right. Stand up."
For the first time, Harry felt a moment's trepidation. What came now? Harry's sex ed. had been limited to what he'd learned from the other boys in the dorm, and that had included very little on the topic of male-male relations. Besides, Severus would give Harry some time, understanding that it would be his first time, wouldn't he? Or had he taken Harry's words about not wasting time truly to heart?
Severus was rifling through the papers on his desk, and Harry finally found his voice. "Umm, Severus? What are you doing?"
"Looking for this week's lesson plans," the man replied without looking up. "You did come here for your lab session did you not?"
Harry was surprised when he felt his knees go weak with relief. Severus finally looked up at him, and Harry could see the understanding in those black eyes. "I know you are not yet ready for anything more, Harry. Trust me when I say, I'm having enough crisis of conscience kissing you. I will not push you to do more than you feel ready for." He pulled a piece of parchment out of the file. "Now, sit. The potions planned for this week are especially complicated, and we've wasted enough time as it is." If Harry didn't know better, he'd say there was a mischievous look in Severus' eyes. "And since you seem to find my voice sexy, you'll most certainly enjoy this."
Harry laughed, feeling lighter than he had in a very long time.
Harry quickly learned that how Severus kissed depended on his mood. When he was tired, he kissed slowly, languidly; when he was feeling guilty, his kisses were gentle and tender, with no tongue; when he'd had a bad day, he kissed fiercely, his tongue plundering Harry's mouth without remorse; and when he in a good mood, his kisses were deep, hungry ones that left Harry's entire body throbbing.
Severus insisted that no more kissing take place in his office. Anyone could find them there and it would be suspicious if someone came to visit him and found the door locked, so Harry had been sneaking down to Severus' private rooms in the evenings. It wasn't every night and never for more than an hour or two, since he didn't want his roommates to become suspicious. But he didn't just go down to Severus' chambers just to kiss (or do anything else for that matter). Sometimes they'd talk, or sit in front of the fire drinking tea, or Severus would help Harry with his homework. Occasionally, when Severus was in a good mood, he'd teach Harry more Potions. While Harry was never thrilled with that, Severus' good moods were rare enough that he bore it without complaint. Besides, Harry had discovered he liked watching Severus brew. The man went about it with such care and passion, his hands moving in such a sensual manner that it made Harry shiver. It was a thing of beauty to see.
But Severus' good moods were becoming fewer and fewer lately. He was tense and tired all the time. His temper had been especially short. He snapped at all his students, even the Slytherins, and had caused more than a few first years to dissolve into tears. He'd even made a few cutting remarks to Harry when they'd been alone. Harry had struggled to keep his own temper, but like the extra Potions lessons, he bore it without complaint. Because he knew that this had something to do with Voldemort. Being a spy among the Death Eaters couldn't be easy at the best of times, but if Voldemort was planning something and Severus was trying to thwart that plan without revealing himself… well, Harry could understand if his fuse was a little short these days.
Harry wished he could do something to help. He almost wished that Voldemort hadn't closed off the connection between their minds. As uncomfortable and unsettling as it had been, Harry wouldn't mind it if he could use it to help Severus. He felt useless and frustrated; he knew there was a problem, but he didn't know what it was. He couldn't help if he didn't know what they needed help with. But Harry fought his curiosity and held his tongue. Severus would never tell him, and asking would just spark a fight. Harry didn't want to fight.
That night in Severus' rooms was a quiet one. Harry could see from the moment he entered that Severus was exhausted, but he hadn't turned Harry away. Harry was sitting on the floor in front of Severus, his head on Severus' knee. Severus was running his fingers through the young wizard's hair, and Harry found it incredibly soothing. They didn't talk; Harry read a book for class and Severus ran his fingers through Harry's hair. It wasn't long before Harry found himself getting drowsy, unable to focus on the words on the page. He gave up finally, closing his eyes and snuggling closer to Severus' leg.
Severus made an amused sound. "Comfortable?"
Harry opened his eyes and tilted his head back to look at him upside down. A corner of Severus' mouth was quirked up into an almost-smile. "You're in a better mood today," he said, resuming his former position. "Something good happen?"
"Yes." One of Severus' fingers traced the shell of Harry's ear. "I had an attractive young man nestled against my leg."
Harry leaned into the touch. "I hope you told him you were taken. I'd hate to get jealous." He delighted in Severus' chuckle, although he noted how weak and tired it was. "Although I can't really blame him; it is a nice leg," he added appreciatively. He ran his hand up Severus' calf, curling it around his knee.
Severus' fingers paused in Harry's hair. Harry didn't have to look up to see Severus' expression. It would be the same expression he had every time Harry complimented him- the same mixture of disbelief and bemusement. "I'll have to do this more often if it puts you in a good mood," Harry said as Severus' fingers resumed their movement. "You've been so tense lately."
"I have a difficult job." They both knew he wasn't talking about teaching.
"I know." Harry gripped Severus' leg a little tighter. "I wish you didn't."
"As do I."
"I wish I could help you," Harry said without thinking.
He knew immediately that that had been the wrong thing to say. Severus' fingers stopped again, and Harry could feel the tension in Severus' leg. "You want to ease my tension, you stay out of danger," Severus said sharply. "Don't you dare go looking for it like you always do."
"I will-"
"You will stay in the castle where it's safe. You will not try to find out what the Dark Lord is planning-"
"He's after me, isn't he?" Harry interrupted quietly. He stood and turned to face Severus. "That's what's got you all tied up in knots. That bastard's after me again and he's trying to use you to get to me."
Severus was quiet a long time before replying. "Yes. So you can understand how it might ease my mind if you promise not to go out looking for trouble."
"And you weren't going to tell me?" Harry asked, getting angry. "It's my life at stake and you weren't going to tell me?"
"There was no need. Telling you would only upset you." Severus crossed his arms over his chest. "As you have just evinced."
"Oh, so poor little Harry can't handle knowing that the big bad Voldemort is after him, is that it?"
"That and you would just make the Dark Lord's job easier by chasing after him," Severus added with a sneer.
"Dammit, Severus!" Harry threw down the book he still had in his hands. "I don't need you to fucking protect me! Voldemort's gonna try to kill me, big news! He's been trying that since I was a year old! I don't need you to protect me from that!"
"Didn't you ever think, you idiot boy, that I had my own reasons to try to keep you safe? That I might find it a little hard to crow with joy along with the other Death Eaters at your demise?"
Those words hit Harry like a bucket of cold water. Severus stood finally from the couch. "I need you safe, Harry. I don't protect you because you need it, I protect you because I need it." He put his hands on Harry's shoulders. "Do you know how difficult it is for me to listen to him devise ways of getting to you? Hurting you?" Severus' grip was hard. "And the fact that you'll be here when I get back is the only thing that enables me to get through it. When I get here, the last thing I want to do is relive those conversations, especially with you."
Harry flushed. "I'm sorry."
Severus' grip on his shoulders relaxed. "No more Hogsmeade weekends, please, Harry. You're too vulnerable there."
At Harry's nod, Severus pulled him close and kissed him gently. A guilty kiss, Harry thought to himself. "You should go," Severus said finally. "It's late."
Harry turned to leave, but hesitated. "Severus? Next weekend- the Hogsmeade weekend- can I come here?"
Severus looked surprised, but he smiled faintly and gave Harry another guilty kiss. "You may come here."
"He's determined to get to Potter, Albus."
Dumbledore sighed. "Tom was always nothing if not tenacious. But he's been trying to get to Harry for a long time, Severus. What has you so worried?"
Severus paced the length of Dumbledore's office. "It's become his top priority. But he doesn't want Potter killed anymore. He's quite adamant about capturing Potter alive. And I don't know what that could mean."
Dumbledore's eyes weren't twinkling anymore. "That is a worrisome change."
"Potter's already agreed not to go on anymore Hogsmeade visits."
"That's probably best. Voldemort can't reach Harry at school. However did you get him to agree to that, Severus?"
Severus hesitated. "For once, the boy saw reason."
"You told him the truth." Dumbledore nodded. "That is likely the only way we can get Harry to be careful." He stood from behind his desk. "I'll add some extra wards to the grounds. So long as he stays where he's supposed to- never a guarantee with Harry- he should be fine until his seventeenth birthday."
Severus blinked in confusion. "You intend to keep Potter here until his seventeenth birthday?"
"Goodness no, my boy. Voldemort cannot break through the protections on Harry's relatives' house until the boy comes of age."
Severus stopped pacing abruptly. "Albus, you can't send him back to that house!"
"It's the only place that Harry is completely safe from Voldemort. Surely you consider that important, Severus."
"Yes, but-" Severus paused; he couldn't betray Harry's confidences, not even to Albus. He'd promised. "What about Grimmauld Place? The Dark Lord can't breach those defenses either."
"He could, eventually. Nothing is foolproof, except the protection that Lily gave him, and that is over the Dursleys' house. Now, I know you two don't get along, Severus, but surely you agree that we should do everything we can to keep Harry safe."
Severus knew that there was no way he could win this argument- even if he could come clean about the abuse, he couldn't be sure that Albus didn't already know about it. "I do want to keep him safe, Albus-"
"Then it's settled," Dumbledore said with finality. "Harry will go back to stay with the Dursleys until his seventeenth birthday."
Severus felt slightly ill. He'd sworn that Harry wouldn't have to go back there. He hadn't counted on the Headmaster vetoing his plan. How in Merlin's name was he supposed to break the news to Harry?
