Title: Never Give Up
Chapter 7 – Accepting Reality?


Casey awakens early the next morning, his mind still anxious about his first meeting with Paul. Just be honest…Casey's mind reminds him as he rolls onto his side and stares at the pill dispenser. For a second his eyes narrow and his mind races as he reaches for the container, Friday's latch being closed and his mind wondering if he had forgotten to take his pills. His fingers fumble with it until he quickly realizes that it's just very weak and doesn't stay open like the others. The pills were gone. You took them…so relax. He takes the ones for today and then places the dispenser back on top of the small bedside dresser; wanting it there specifically so he'd remember to take them each morning when he'd get up.

Casey's frame slumps back in bed, his anxiety slightly subsiding as he stares up at the ceiling. He had survived the first week without too much incident. Liar! His brain yells back. You only THINK you got through it okay! You still can't remember what happened before the accident!

"I can…" Casey whispers to himself in a gruff tone. "I was…" his voice trails off as his eyes squeeze shut as he tries to remember. But as he realizes he only gets a few black images in return, his angry frustration grows and his balled up fist hits the pillow.

Just calm down…you can't go see Paul in this heated frame of mind. Realizing the validity of that statement, Casey quickly pulls on a pair of running shorts and hoodie and quietly heads for the front door, not wanting to wake Kelly or Shay as they weren't tied to the same schedule he was.

Casey enters the quiet street at a slow pace, his mind wondering what questions Paul would ask. Dr. Tennyson said he's a transplant recovery specialist…he'll ask about my kidney and that's it. Why would he ask about the head injury? I'm fine…LIAR! His brain once again argues back as a small throb starts to develop behind his eyes. He quickly slows his pace, giving his lungs a chance to even out and his head a chance to clear. Casey nears the park and stops by a bench, putting one foot up on the edge and performing a small stretch. He'd been off work two weeks already and already it had felt like a small lifetime.

'Who's going to replace me?' He recalls asking Hermann yesterday at McDonalds. 'You?'

'I helped out for the week but they want to bring in a relief Lieutenant for the whole thing. Not sure who.'

He had hoped that Hermann wanted to step up and take on the added responsibilities but with a new baby and so much going on at home right now, he couldn't fault his most senior team member for stepping aside for a real Lieutenant but opting to help out wherever or whenever needed. 'Mills has really been helping out also. That kid's going places,' he remembers Hermann telling him with a hint of pride.

A stranger…I could handle that…they'll be there to do the job and then….leave…no attachments. Casey gives himself a firm nod as he starts to head back to Severide's apartment, picking up the pace as he rounds the home stretch and stopping at the front of the apartment with a very flushed face, and painfully racing heart. You overdid it! His brain scolds as his outward wince grows. He remains outside the front door to the apartment a few moments longer, wanting to enter somewhat refreshed instead of ready to collapse.

"Hey man…you're up early," Severide greets with a friendly smile when Casey finally enters their apartment.

"Wanted to run off a few jitters before I go and see Paul."

"Ah it'll be fine."

"Yeah. I think he'll just ask about the week and it's been good. I've stuck to the schedule for the meds and the exercise and while I'm not where I was in the past…I'm…getting there."

"And no more headaches or blurry vision right?"

"Right…" Casey responds with a slight bit of hesitation in his tone. "It should be okay. I wonder if Fred's still there," he ponders as Severide offers him a small shrug. "I'm gonna hop in the shower and…is that bacon?"

"It's…turkey bacon," Severide holds up the package with a small frown.

"Shay," they both say at once as she suddenly appears at the top of the stairs.

"Pass judgment once you try it," she lightly scolds as Casey and Severide each exchange sheepish glances.

Casey offers her a small good morning as he hurries up the stairs to get showered and ready for the day. Just be honest…and everything will be okay. Honest about everything? You still have memory issues! I do not! Casey's mind argues back as he finishes his shower and heads into his bedroom. But no sooner does he dismiss the thought about some lingering head issues does he head for his main dresser and pulls it open.

"I left…" Casey pauses as he looks around for his watch. What the hell? It was just here! His mind growls in agitation as he hurries back to the bathroom and starts to look around in frustration. He utters a small curse, unaware that he was now on display.

"Matt?"

Casey turns around with a small gasp as Severide steps back in surprise. "Hey sorry, I thought you heard me."

"No I'm…I just…hold on a sec…"

"Hey wait," Severide gently smirks as he grabs Casey's bare forearm; Casey still clad in only his towel. "What's going on?"

"I guess I'm more nervous than I thought. I…I forgot where I put my watch. It's no big deal," Casey replies with a heavy exhale as he slowly wanders back to his bedroom. "I keep thinking I'll say something wrong and end up with Fred as my new roommate again," he lightly groans, a small smile appearing on Severide's face.

"He's probably just going to ask if you've kept to the schedule and if you're you know…peeing normally."

"I'm not going back on that damn bag," Casey grumbles as he looks up to see Severide offer an amused glance. "Not funny."

"Your watch is beside your meds," Severide points out as Casey's eyes leave his friend and hurry over to the other side of the room. "Come on, turkey bacon's getting cold."

"I'll be right down."

He watches Severide close the door and then quickly looks down at the watch with a small grumble. I know I put that there…but…his mind pauses as he tries to think back. I came back from the run…hurried up here….ah I must have just put it there without realizing it. No big deal! People forget things all the time! No big deal? That's right, keep telling yourself these lies!

Casey feels his agitation surge once more as he hastily pulls on his jeans and sweater and then heads downstairs to join his friends for breakfast.

"So…how is it?"

"Actually…not that bad," Severide tells Casey in truth as he puts a few pieces of the crisp turkey bacon on his plate.

"Look even I had to get used to all this," Shay tells them pointedly as Casey pours himself a cup of the decaffeinated coffee.

"Well it smells like real bacon."

"It is real bacon," Shay insists.

"No way. Real bacon comes from pigs. Not…large birds that can't fly," Severide chuckles.

"Think they have duck bacon?"

"Maybe chicken bacon?"

"They have tofu bacon," Shay interjects as both adult males exchange rather horrified glances and she snickers. "Hey you had some the other night."

"It wasn't bacon. It was fried tofu and we tolerated it because it tasted like butter."

"Unsalted butter."

"That stuff had no salt in it?" Casey asks, somewhat impressed. "Then I have to say it wasn't bad."

"See!" Shay looks overt at Severide in triumph as Casey grins.

The three of them continue their silly banter about tofu in general before it's time for Shay them to get going. Since both Casey and Severide were unable to drive for another few weeks, Shay was the chauffer of the day; otherwise it would have been a cab. They'd drop Casey off at the hospital, get a few errands done and then come back and pick him up and all go for lunch.

"I'll text when I'm done," Casey tells them as they stop before the entrance to the ER about an hour later.

"You'll be fine," Severide reminds his somewhat worried friend as he watches him get out of the car and slowly enter the large building.

"What is it?" Shay presses Severide for an answer.

"I'm worried."

"Why? Matt's going to be fine."

"Yeah it's just…" his voice trails off. He seems forgetful as of late…more so than normal. Ah…maybe it's nothing and I'm just being a bit overly protective. "He'll be fine."

"I know you worry because you care but he's going to come through this and his attitude will be fine once he's back to his normal life."

"I know," Severide huffs, sinking back into his chair and not adding the very plain fact that some things for Casey will never be normal again. He glances back at the hospital just as Casey disappears and then pulls his gaze away, telling himself the appointment will go smoothly and his friend is on track.

XXXXXXXX

Casey's heart rate starts to increase as he nears Paul's office, his mind once again trying to anticipate the questions he'd be asked and if his answers would come across as natural and not nervous enough to make him call Dr. Tennyson for further evaluation. I just want to get past all this already.

"Hey Matt. Come on in."

Casey enters and heads for the chair in front of the desk and slowly eases himself down into it.

"Ah take off your coat, stay a while," Paul tells Casey with a friendly smile. "So how did your first week go?"

"Actually it was a bit tense at first," Casey replies in truth. "I was so worried I'd forget to take my meds or not go to the bathroom enough or something."

"And now?"

"Now I'm okay."

"Good to hear. What things did you to do help you adjust to this new lifestyle?"

"I put the medication dispenser right by my bed. The first two mornings made me angry to see it there…sorry," Casey pauses with a small huff.

"Sounds pretty normal to me," Paul tries to assure Casey with an easy tone and friendly expression. "No one expects perfection or for any of this to be easy."

"I'm worried about forgetting the pills and my body rejecting the kidney."

"You'd have to do a lot more than just miss one day of medication."

"Really?"

"Really," Paul answers in truth. "The ones who often lose a new organ after a transplant are the ones who completely disregard or at least to a good degree the dietary restrictions and medication requirements but trust me the majority do just fine. So you took the meds and how about the new exercise routine?"

"By the end of the week I was using 2 pound weights."

"Seems kinda wimpy," Paul acknowledges as Casey nods in agreement. "Yeah it did for me too."

"What? You?"

"Dr. Tennyson always hand picks people on his transplant team who can actually say to someone…trust me, I know what you're going through. I didn't lose both, only one but it was a real struggle at first."

"How long has it been?"

"Five years now."

"Wow…five years and do you…think about it? I mean no…"

"Every once and a while I'm reminded of the gift someone gave me, yes and on those days when I'm feeling less appreciative I give myself a good ass kicking the next time."

"Do you drink?"

"Once a year I have a glass of wine on my anniversary and maybe a light beer a few times a year but I've become very inventive in the drink departmetn," Paul answers in truth. "My wife has adapted really well and aside from a eating a few less fatting calories and limiting my alcohol intake, everything else is as it should be."

"Was it hard?"

"At first? Very. You're looking at a guy that lived for Friday night football games and beers with his buddies. At first the guys didn't get it and some even today will try to goad me into drinking, saying I can take a pill the next day and it'll be no big deal. But my close friends get it and when we're out, they're pretty good. A few of them even lost some weight due to less beer," Paul pauses to chuckle. "But I won't lie. Some days…damn I'd like to reach for a glass of whisky and just forget the day I've had here or sometimes at home."

"Have you…ever?"

"I have and I paid for it. I had such severe pains that night when the damn stuff mixed with the meds that I ended up in the ER. But that was at the start when I was still angry at myself for getting into a situation where I required a new one! That was all me and I was bitter."

"But you never got as bad as Fred."

"No. I figured someone died so that I could live and that was a gift I shouldn't take for granted. But sometimes it's still a struggle. I just want you to know that what you are feeling right now is probably pretty normal."

"That's kinda comforting to hear," Casey replies with a small sigh as Paul nods in agreement.

"Now enough talk about the doom and gloom stuff…how are you feeling otherwise?"

"Fine I guess," Casey answers with a small shrug. "At first I looked at the restrictions as very limiting but my friends have really come on board and they're helping and we're almost having fun….trying new foods and such."

"You know good friends and a positive attitude will go along way in your rehabilitation. Any issues with the kidney itself?"

"You mean pain? Or not going to the bathroom regularly?" Casey retorts as Paul nods. "No. Both you and Dr. Tennyson told me that after more strenuous exercise I'd feel cramping and I did but then it went away. I try to keep myself really hydrated and rest and now…I just gotta keep from going stir-crazy."

"Ah yes I can see why in your profession that would be a real challenge…more so than in mine. I was able to come back sooner to most regular duties because I sit most of the day, but you're an active guy and the last thing you want is to tear something or strain it really bad and damage that new organ."

"Don't think I could face my friend if I did that."

"I heard he actually gave one of his to you."

"How do I ever repay that?"

"In your mind you might think you never can. But trust me the best thing you can do when given a precious gift like that is treat it well. Better than your own. Then he'll know how much you really value and appreciate his sacrifice. If not…he might not tell you openly depending on your bond but he could start to resent what he did."

"I don't ever want that," Casey huffs as he sags a bit further into his chair.

"Well your worries and fears are pretty normal for someone who wants to prevent a Fred-type episode so I think you'll be fine. Now…about the other injury."

"The…other one?" Casey asks in hesitation.

"The head injury. Dr. Tennyson told me to ask a few routine questions."

"Everything's good," Casey blurts out in haste as Paul offers him a small smile. "I'm okay really."

"So no cognitive issues? Blurry vision, continued headaches, prolonged dizziness…memory issues?"

"I'm okay."

"Matt?"

"I'm okay really," Casey insists with rising irritation in his tone. "I just want to be back to my normal routine again and I get a bit agitated when I realize how long I have to wait. A few headaches but um…nothing really bad."

"I'm not here to just you Matt, I just want to help so that when you do go back to work everything will be okay."

"Thank you. I'm fine. Really," Casey tries once more with a tight lipped smile.

"Okay…just a few more things and then you can get on with the rest of your day."

XXXXXXXX

"So you haven't told him yet?" Shay inquires after he tells her who would be filling in for Casey during his prolonged absence.

"Figured he had enough stress to deal with with the doctor's appointment and everything today. I'll tell him tonight after he's had a chance to just relax."

"Just make sure you do. Eric isn't a threat but you know Casey can be territorial over his job."

"Oh…I know," Severide replies with a small smirk before his expression clouds once more. "Boden tried to convince the other relief Lieutenant to stay but he couldn't so Eric agreed. I think it's great because Eric knows the House and…"

"And you two patched things up so that little boy tension is gone."

"And there's that," Severide nods firmly as he looks over at Shay who holds his gaze until he purses his lips. "Eric and Matt seemed to get along fine when I was gone. They didn't talk much but there was no animosity. He should be fine with it."

"Clarke is a Lieutenant and the relief on your team is easy. Nothing to worry about."

"Eric's not a rookie Shay."

"Matt will still worry."

"I know," Severide sighs as Shay's car pulls up to the curb; both watching as Casey exits the building and heads toward them with a rather calm expression on his face. "Just let me handle this."

"Oh no problem. He won't hit me," Shay tosses back as Severide's lips utter a small hiss.

"He'll be fine…I hope," his voice dies out as Shay looks at him sharply. "Hey…waiting long?"

"Nah just got there," Casey tells them as he slumps into the backseat; Shay pulling away and heading for a nearby deli. "It went okay," Casey quickly volunteers to save his friends from wondering if he wanted to talk about it. "I'm on track I guess. Nothing to really worry about on their end," he replies; his brain yelling at him for not being completely honest with the doctor about the lingering side effects from the brain injury.

"That's good man," Severide replies with a soft mumble as Casey gently cocks his head.

"So what did you guys do?"

"Shopped for underwear."

"What?" Casey asks with a small snicker as Shay shakes her head.

"What? We had to go into Victoria's Secret."

"You weren't complaining," Shay reminds him as Severide chuckles and nods. They tell Casey about the rest of their shopping adventure as they reach the deli and then all slowly head inside. After collecting their lunches they head for a table by the window and sit down to enjoy their food.

"You look…content," Shay comments as Casey looks up in wonder, Severide looking at Casey's expression in haste.

"Yeah I was expecting some bad news."

"Why?"

"I don't know," Casey replies with a small shrug. "Exercising too much…not enough. Not eating well…I don't know something. Fred's still waiting. I…I couldn't go see him," Casey's voice dies out with a small huff as Severide offers a sympathetic glance.

"Sorry," Severide acknowledges as Casey nods. "So did he ask about your head injury?"

"Asked about everything," Casey shrugs. "He's a transplant recipient also. Made it easier to hear him say I know what you're going through."

"How long?"

"Five years. And yeah he takes the meds every day and only drinks on very special occasions and…he has the advantage that his job isn't as physical and getting back to it was faster than mine will be," Casey pauses once more as he looks down at his soup.

"But the moral of the story is he did it," Shay reminds Casey as he looks up at her with a small smile.

"Yeah he did. So what else did you guys buy?"

"Well…"

The three of them sit in the diner for another hour, talking and eating and just enjoying the fact they didn't have to hurry anywhere. After that Shay goes her way to her own appointment, Casey and Severide hanging a bit longer before they'd take a cab home and then rest before going for a run.

"Two pound weights," Casey huffs as they sit in the back of the cab on the way home.

"Did he make you feel less for using them?"

"No, he says even now he only prefers to use five's," Casey lightly retorts. "Looked in pretty good shape but again his job isn't as physical as ours."

"Yeah but recovering the proper way will ensure the Severide part will remain intact for…"

"The rest of my life Kelly," Casey looks over with a serious expression. "I promise I will do my best to never neglect it."

"I know," Severide assures him with a friendly smile. "Speaking of two pounds."

"Do I look any fatter?" Casey snickers as the cab driver glances briefly in the rear view mirror making both of them laugh. They reach the apartment and Casey heads for the door first, his fingers fishing around in his pockets for the key.

"Don't have the key?"

"Yeah I…I thought I did," Casey frowns, his mind racing back to when he saw the key on the top of his dresser beside his wallet. Did I just think I picked it up? No I did…I just…damn…I can't remember…what the hell?

"Hey, it's okay I got it," Severide pulls his key and opens the door, Casey giving his head a small shake as he steps inside. "So…you up for a run?"

"I'll be down in five," Casey replies with an enthusiastic nod as he hurries up the stairs. He rushes toward the dresser and spies the key were he'd left it the day before. "Damn…I did forget," he growls at himself as he grips the key so tightly his fist starts to hurt. It was one time…people forget things all the time. Nothing to panic about…

Casey quickly changes into a pair of jogging shorts and hoodie, but foregoes the weights this time, rejoining Severide at the bottom of the stairs. The two of them do a quick stretch before heading out. If this is the routine for the next few weeks…I'll be okay. And then? Then…Kelly's back to work and I'm back home…alone. Don't think about that right now!

"Matt?"

"Yeah what…sorry?"

"You kinda zoned out there…you sure you don't want to just rest a bit? Maybe you overdid it a bit today?"

"I'm okay. Just thinking about going back to work," Casey replies stiffly as Severide's gut instantly tightens. "Boden say who he's got to replace me?"

"Replace?" Severide offers with a nervous chuckle. "You mean sub?"

"Yeah."

"Miller from 46."

"That's good."

"Yeah? Why?"

"I think it would be harder with someone I know or…"

"Like Hermann?"

"Or just…Miller is good. And he's going to retire next year so I know he's not looking for a career."

"Hey hold on," Severide stops Casey from their run, Casey looking at him in wonder. "No matter who Boden would have found wasn't going to be permanent. Your job is safe. You know that right?"

"I know…but it just won't be easy to see. And if it's someone…ah you're right, I'm stressing for nothing."

"Your job is safe Matt, Boden wouldn't do that to you."

"You're right," Casey nods as Severide gives him a firm pat on the back and they start into their run again. "It's not like he got Eric Whaley or someone that I didn't exactly bond with."

The tone in Casey's last word hits Severide like a ton of bricks, forcing him to literally stop and stand with his mouth slightly agape as his mind now races.

Casey turns back and looks at Severide with a curious glance. "What's going on?"

Oh damn….it is Eric…what the hell do I do tell him now?

"Kelly?"


A/N: oh dear Matt…so tried to temper the tension with some fun and cute broments but Casey's already starting to build upon his denial. Will the memory problems, short fuse and other issues continue to grow or will they subside? And if they grow when will they explode? And how will Kelly tell Matt about Eric now? I remember in season one, Eric was there for a month and he must not have talked much b/c no one knew he even knew Kelly until Kelly came back, so am assuming him and Matt didn't bond well. So am playing off that right now. Of course Eric isn't a threat to Matt's job but Matt's inner agitation and insecurity might play with that. Yikes! Tension a head. And will that cause Matt to act rashly when he gets back to work and sees Eric doing his job? Please do review before you go and thanks so much!