Captain Spirk

Disclaimer: Not mine yet.

Summary: The psyche continues. Bones is so not going to let them go easily…but he'll make up for it. Eventually.

Chapter 7: Not So Lovely Bones

Despite his gruff and grumbling nature, Dr. L McCoy is absolutely capable of compassion.

Really.

No-please don't laugh.

Although admittedly, now is not one of those 'compassionate' moments.

And Kirk/Spock (KOCK!) whatever is definitely not helping the situation any.

He'd have a report to submit to Starfleet after all damnit.

He'd thought that Spock with all his blasted logic would be well helpful enough but to no avail.

McCoy glared at KOCK! for what seemed to be the hundredth times that day.

It was normal for either one of them to be invigoratingly irksome some days or other but never at the same time.

It was painfully obvious to Bones that they are ganging up on him.

Nice to see the best team in Starfleet at work.

But not when they're working together against you.

Damnit.

But hey.

We'll see about that.

After all, like the old archaic saying goes: if you can't beat them, join them.

And he let out a sudden smile.

It was lucky or unlucky perhaps that KOCK! had not noticed the smile, having been busy congratulating each other of their success in befuddling McCoy.

McCoy grinned inwardly.

Well three can play this game.

Never underestimate McCoy's deviousness.

After all, he did know the Captain well enough.

Well enough to detect even the most private things (literally and metaphorically).

Oh, they'll pay alright.

Big time.

And then a brilliant idea filled his mind.

Of course.

Why not?

He set his most business-like face in place.

'Gentlemen: PAY ATTENTION!' he began.

The blue eyes turned towards him curiously.

OK, he's got their attention now.

Good.

'Let's continue shall we?' Bones continued.

'Shoot Bones,' came the cocky (HAH!) reply, obviously from Kirk.

The Doctor cleared his throat dramatically.

So the session continues:

McCoy: What was your personal experience with puberty like? You go first Jim.

Heh.

KOCK's face (inclusive of climbing eyebrows) reflects the ridiculousness of the question and was almost satisfying enough a reaction for the Doctor.

'I beg your pardon,' came the reply.

McCoy: Wait your turn Spock. I'm asking the Captain. Go on Jim.

Kirk: Uh… is this even relevant to psychological evaluations cos…

McCoy: It was invented by Sigmund Freud, Jim. Live with it.

Jim Kirk nearly blanched at that. Time to consult Spock.

[Is he telling the truth Spock? Or is he crapping his way to revenge?]

[Captain I do not know why Doctor McCoy would do such thing as 'crap' in this situation, but yes, indeed there was a Human psychologist by that name who was famous for his 'sexual' nature of psychological interpretation]

Kirk swore inwardly.

Damnit-the Doctor is playing dirty.

Kirk: Er, Bones, since youwent through puberty yourself, you ought to know how it was like, right?

McCoy scowled.

McCoy: Yes Jim; but it's youwho are undergoing psyche examination and not me. And don't try to change the subject.

Kirk: Whatever Bones.

McCoy (impatiently): Well? Answer the question Captain.

Kirk (whines): Do I really have to?

McCoy (fingering hypo): Does it look as if you have a choice?

Kirk/Spock whatever eyed the nasty hypo warily.

They both decided that angering the Doctor now is a bad idea.

Kirk (sighing): Guess not (mutters). Er, well, y'know when I hit puberty that time hm…

[God, do I have to say this with Spock around?]

[I believe you have no choice in that matter Captain]

Damnit.

[Thanks a lot Spock, sheesh]

[You are very welcome Sir]

McCoy (waiting): Hm mm…yeah?

There really was nothing for it. So Kirk went for it.

Kirk: (In a whisper) I dreamt of er, naked girls and stuff…y'know. DAMNIT BONES! DO I NEED TO SPELL IT OUT TO YOU?

McCoy smirked again.

Oh yes, it is going exactly as planned.

Time to test the water some more.

McCoy: And naked boys too I presumed?

Kirk: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

The Doctor cleared his throat that sounded suspiciously as if he was trying to smother laughter.

Kirk was aghast; especially since Spock is apparently amused and intrigued by the whole thing too.

[What are you so amused about Spock? Aren't you supposed to be on my side here?]

[I am Captain. But I do find Doctor McCoy's last remark fascinating]

[Oh yeah? And why is that huh?]

Silence.

Great. Now he'd have to deal with TWO mutineers.

Lady luck is definitely cheating on him today.

'Ahem,' it was McCoy again.

Apparently Spock is not out of trouble either.

McCoy: Spock. What was your personal experience with puberty like?

Spock: The question is illogical Doctor.

McCoy's temper immediately flared at the response. Spock is definitely very talented at pushing his buttons. And wrong buttons at that.

McCoy: You know Hobgoblin, I'm the Doctor here and I demand that you answer me.

Kirk (muttering): Are you quoting Spock's words to me on the Bridge that time Bones?

McCoy: SHUT UP JIM! THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT!

Kirk eyed the hypo now being brandished threateningly and warned Spock. The Vulcan returned an acknowledgement but still insists that McCoy's question is illogical.

[Just don't push him too hard Spock; look at that hypo. And no Spock, I don't think it's wise to nerve-pinch him again either]

[Affirmative Captain, your deduction is logical]

[Why thank you Spock]

And their personal space was interrupted by an irritated voice:

McCoy: God damnit both of you. Can you keep your lovey-dovey private conversations until later when I am out of sight?

That brought them back at attention.

McCoy (barking angryly): So Spock? I'm still waiting for that answer.

Spock (deadpanned): I have yet to undergo puberty Doctor.

OH.

Now: that is indeed news to both McCoy and Kirk.

McCoy's eyes went wide and Kirk's would have too if he was not sharing a body with Spock.

McCoy: Are you saying that you're still underage Spock?

Spock: Affirmative Doctor. I have yet to come of age in Vulcan terms.

McCoy: But you are saying that in Human terms you have?

Spock: I am only aware of the Vulcan side of the matter Doctor. But if by coming of age in 'Human' terms means having vivid apparently lucid dreams about 'girls' or such that the Captain has mentioned; I am delighted to admit that I have not encountered such problems.

Oh OK.

Now that's kind of complicated.

Kirk was about to voice his question whether Uhura was aware that she had been perving on an underage Vulcan all this while when he received Spock's transmitting a very clear message through their mind link:

[I have no comment on the matter Captain]

Suddenly the table is turned. Spock is on the hot seat now.

And to Kirk's annoyance, the Vulcan has proceeded to go all 'silent treatment' on him again.

DAMN.

But hey, apparently Doctor McCoy doesn't get the mental message; so he asked.

McCoy (very, very carefully): Spock, I am not one for rumours (uh huh) but if I'm not mistaken; you are currently in a romantic relationship with Lt. Uhura. Is she aware of your, er, lack of hm, sexual maturity?

Kirk didn't deign try to pretend that he was not interested.

[Yeah Spock, that's a valid question you know]

[Captain, this is none of yours or anybody's business]

Spock (to McCoy): Such a matter is not within your jurisdiction Doctor, so I insist that you cease it.

Oops…Spock is obviously angry and what was that Kirk can faintly detect the Vulcan is emanating?

Embarrassment.

Right.

McCoy was surprisingly calm and professional (shocking!) in his questioning now. It might also be because such a matter is interesting to him as a physician. And perhaps, a little dark secret he might get from the First Officer (whatever it is) is a good evidence to use against the Vulcan in future altercations (McCoy is predicting many of this)

McCoy (very gently): Spock, I meant no disrespect by asking this. Hey this psyche is important in determining any issues that might be problematic to the fluidity of function in this ship.

Translation: Can't have our fiery Communication's Officer finding out in a shock that she's been going all paedophile all this while.

Kirk sensed a resigned countenance from Spock. And then…

Spock: If it pleases you to know Captain, I am no longer involved romantically with Lt. Uhura. And I would prefer if no more questions be asked pertaining to this matter.

Hmmph. Kirk could almost feel Spock said that.

Kirk started. He felt unexplained embarrassment crept hotly into him.

Hey.

Kirk: Why would I be interested in finding out about it anyway?

But having offered his piece, Spock is silent and pointedly ignoring him.

BLAST IT.

Meanwhile, the Doctor is obviously thinking along the same line. Especially since Spock is definitely able to detect Kirk's part of emotional response. McCoy's psychoanalysis interests begin to peak more.

Well, well, well.

McCoy is detecting a very interesting pattern emerging. He'd have to try other methods to prove his theory and prove it he will.

Oh yes.

Now Doctor McCoy despite his gruff and certainly 'unorthodox' ways of perusing psychology knows when to admit defeat when it is clear that he isn't going to get anything more out of 'KOCK' other than a deep pain in the ass and even worse, a deep pain in the neck from being nerve pinched.

After all, he had succeeded in effectively getting back at 'KOCK' for the previous altercation. And perhaps he had dug a bit too deeply on certain 'sensitive issues too. So all in all it was a successful and 'revealing' session indeed (in the Doctor's opinion).

Bones had known even from his previous physical examination that the both of them are mentally healthy as well as physically. And despite the so-called revenge he had wanted to get from them, McCoy has called for this psyche examination to test a theory he had been postulating in his mind regarding his officers' relationships to one another.

Apparently the clues he had gathered from the Q & A had very much confirmed what he had in mind.

Well, he's going to let them come to the conclusions themselves.

Although the Doctor is quite certain that they might need a bit of a nudge in the right direction.

To be Continued…

SAY IT WITH ME: I LOVE BONES!

So have *you* arrived at whatever conclusions Bones has? I mean, I have no clue on what he is aiming at and *I* am the writer (:P). But do please help me here; any suggestions on Bones' conclusions on what is going on between these two?

*Hint Hint, Nudge Nudge*

Till the next time!

REVIEWS/CC/COMMENTS ARE MOST APPRECIATED AND MUCH LOVED! (:D)