Can't Do This Without You.
"Please..! Please..! Open de door…! I need to talk to you…! Please let me in…! He screamed at loud desperately… while banging loudly at the door…
It was a dark, pouring and sleepless night, in Seattle… The only glimpse of light was the lightning above the sky appearing every now and then, in the middle of a cluster of gray thick clouds that were visible whenever the lightning appeared… followed every time, with a fiercefully loud and shivery noise…
The pouring rain fell down on him… thick drops of rain had got him soaking wet… He seemed damp… and shivery and frantic… Like and abandoned kitten in the middle of a storm, looking desperately for shelter… Ironically the one time that he felt like the sky was falling on him… it was actually really and literally falling on him… That was convenient… he managed to coordinate, his emotions and state of mind with the weather… Maybe God was crying with him… or for him… or maybe he was just having fun with him… whatever it was… he felt just like that, like the crying falling sky…
The watery hum was deafening enough to kill every other sound around him including his own voice… his own thoughts… So he banged at the door even louder… She had to hear him… She had to open that door…
"Meredith…! Please…! Open the door…! I will not go, until you open that door… Do you hear me…? I'll stay here… I don't care how long it takes for you to open the door… And I don't care if I wake up the whole neighborhood… You need to listen to me…! I need to say this to you…!" He kept screaming while his broken voice was filled with pain and despair… "Please…! Please..! Open the door…!"
The glow of a flashlight… visible through the glass of the door… was getting closer… and closer… He could see Meredith's tiny hand holding it… and with that simple act… holding that flashlight… guiding that little glimpse of light… in the middle of such a wrapping darkness… she was also giving him back the tiny piece of hope that he was already starting to loose… She approached at the door… and gave him through the glass a surrendered look… she took the handle and opened the door to him… she looked at him for a moment and with a movement of her head… she instructed him to come inside, as she opened the door wider to let him in…
He stood there in the hall… suddenly finding himself speechless… so he ran a hand through his damped black curly hair as he put the other one inside the pocket of his jeans… looking at the floor… praying for some words of wisdom… He had this careless appearance… with a three days growth of beard… looking distraught… with red puffy eyes… dripping rainwater to the rug lying at the entrance hall …
"Derek" She was the one that spoke first… "What are you doing..? This is useless… There is no point…"
"There is a point… You just don't want to see it… You keep looking for excuses… You keep finding inexistent reasons for your life to fail… for you to be unhappy… And let me tell you… you're getting extremely successful at it…!"
"They are not inexistent…" she said to him in protest. "The FACT that my life is a mess… and a failure… an emotional one… failure I mean… is a FACT… or whatever… good things don't happen to people like us… and if they do we will immediately find a way to make them not good… we can't help it… It's like a bad unhappy gene or something… And that is if bad karma doesn't beat us to it… and punish us for whatever our sins might be… which right now I'm beginning to think… they must be big… really… really… big… murdering type kind of big… Even if they happened in another life and we can't remember them, we are still paying our debts… Because… "
"Meredith…!" Derek interrupted her rambling… "What are you talking about…? And who's us…? He said in confusion.
"Cristina and I… She was getting married… I was suppose to made sure she walked down that aisle… even If I had to kicked her ass all the way down to it… I took every precaution… to make sure she had her happily ever after… I did everything… everything… and still…"
"Meredith…!" He interrupted her again as she was staring to sound heart broken and disappointed… as if with that statement… what she was really… really trying to say was that she lost something… something irreplaceable… she lost her faith… she lost the faith in herself… and along with it, she also lost her ability to believe she could be a different person… a better person… "You are not Christina Yang… and I'm certainly not Preston Burke… We are different people… you can't compare us with them… whatever happened to them… whatever problems they had… it has nothing to do with us… you can't make their failure about us… We are NOT Christina and Burke…! WE are Meredith and Derek…! And we love each other… You're the love of my life… you're my friend… my soul mate… You're my everything…! And I know you love me too…! You love me…! And we can make this work… We can… We can fix this…! We can start over… and leave the past behind… We can be happy together…! We are happy together…! We are made for each other…! Why can't you just accept it…? Why can't you just let me love you…?"
"Because I can't… I just can't… And I do love you… I love you… and I love you in a way that goes beyond pretending to like your taste in music… or holding a radio outside your window… I love you much more than that… I would do anything for you… I love you enough to set you free… I love you enough to spare you from me…"
"No…! No…!" He said frantically "You can't say that… I do not accept that..! No…!"
"Derek…! Can't you see…? Don't you know what a miracle it is that you are the person that you are…? You're such a beautiful human being… you still belief in love and soul mates… and in the happily ever after… You do belief you're my knight in his shining whatever… And I changed that… I changed you… I gave you a terrible grief… I made you went through the scariest day of your life… I made you question yourself… and your ability as a doctor… Damn it Derek…! I may even made you lost your shot to be Chief… And I don't want you to change anymore… I want you to still be the you that you are… the you that I love so much… I want you to keep being McDreamy… Even if it you're not MY McDreamy anymore… I want you to have everything you dreamed of… I'm not good for you… I'm damaged goods… I… I gave up… I let myself go… and I… I almost dragged you down with me… And when I came back I wanted to change… I tried… I swear I did… I really… really wanted to be that person… I wanted to be better… I wanted to be the happily ever after person… I wanted to belief… But I can't… Something is broken inside of me beyond repair… and no matter what I do… I just can't belief in it… I… It won't happen… not to me anyways… And if you stay with me… If you stay with me… I'm gonna drag you down to the bottom of the swamp this time… I'm gonna drain you out… You said so yourself… You can't keep breathing for me… you can't keep breathing for both of us…"
"I didn't meant it… I was being stupid… I was confused… Please…! Don't do this to yourself…! Don't do this to us…! Please…!" He said to her desperately as he held her strongly… as if the salvation of the entire universe depended on it… He didn't wanted to let go… Not now… Not ever.
"You have to go now Derek…" She said to him trying to free herself from his tight embrace. "Don't make this harder than it already is… I know you can't see it right now… but you'll thank me in time… You go now… Go… I'm setting you free…"
"No…!" He said to her sobbing distraughtly as he held to her more strongly… burring his head in her neck. "It is you…! You are the one…! You are the only one..! All I've got is you… Only you… only love… and you… even when it seems I can only have you in fear and tears… even when the thought of you never ends… and I lack of you all the time… even when you pain me every day… and I'm so lost… I don't know how to reach that thing that you carry hidden inside… How do I do that? How do I bring you back from the dark confinement you'd invented for yourself? How do I make you mine? Because I'm sure as hell I'm yours… How do I make you understand you belong with me?" He said to her wishing, as if he were a kid… wishing he could be someone else… someone better… someone greater… maybe he could transform himself into a magician… so he could put up a powerful spell on her and enchant her… Or maybe… maybe he could be like John Lennon so he could write to her hundreds of love songs to reach her soul… He wished he could be her knight in a shining armor carrying a sword… so he could fight hundreds of battles, and kill the dragon keeping her hostage… and climb the walls around her hidden and beaten heart… and saved her… He wished… He wished to be some one else… someone who could find a word… or a poem… or a spell… or a sword… or a melody to call her… just one… the right one… the one to open her up… like the one key of a million keys that opens the lock to her soul…but he wasn't any of those men… and couldn't do any of those things…
"Let me go…! You have to let me go now Derek…" She said to him trying to be cold, trying to push him away… only making him holding to her harder.
"I can't… I can't let go… How am I suppose to live without you…? I can't even imagine how my life would be… I can't do this with out you…" He said to her crying like a child, making it very difficult for her, to keep her cool…
"I can't… I can't do this… I just can't…" He said as exhausted and worn out… and empty… and dry… and deserted… as he is right now, while holding her hand tightly… Not wanting to let go… Not now… Not ever… he made that mistake once… And he wasn't going to make it again…
"Derek… listen to me… You have to name her…! She needs a name…!" Addison said to him authoritarian, trying to make him reason.
Derek looked down at a comatose Meredith… laying on the bed… with a bandage covering her head… with pale skin… and a tiny complexion… he wanted to believe that wherever she was, she was fighting… she was looking for her way back home… but knowing her as he did… it was hard to tell if she was fighting for her life or she was just letting go… and that thought alone… made him nauseous… because as long as she were suspended in time… so was he…
"I can't… Can't do it without her…" he said quietly, almost in a whisper…
"You could at least go see her… She's up there… all alone and tiny and fragile… You need to let her know she's not alone… She's your daughter Derek… She needs you"
"She needs her mother" he snapped.
"She needs her father too… and she needs a name" Addison looked at him not really knowing this person he'd become… this broken man… she made a sigh that carried with it all the exhaustion… and desperation… and impatience that this new Derek made her feel… "Look… I can't stay here forever, to baby sit you… I wish I could… but I can't because you're not in my life anymore… and I'm not suppose to care about you, because we are divorced… and I have a life… I'm starting a new life… a life that doesn't include you… I need to go back to LA… and I know that your life shouldn't be my business anymore… So… I'm really… really sorry… but you left me no choice… I had to call her… had to call mom… I shouldn't' even call her mom… she's not my mother… she's yours… she was my mother by proxi… but you're not my husband anymore so…" She said with sadness in her eyes, because no matter what… Helen Shepard will always be her mother… Even if maybe she wont get to see her anymore… there are some things that don't go away just because a divorce… "Anyway I told her everything… and she's on her way"
"Of course you did" He said to her with bitterness, caressing Meredith's hand.
She looked at him for a moment, feeling a little bit nostalgic about the both of them… about the… what if..? that appeared in her thoughts from time to time just to nag her…
"I have to go now Derek… have a flight to catch…" she said with sadness looking at the very broken man in front of her… she turned around to leave…
"Addie" Derek stopped her, making her face him again… "I'm sorry Addie… I'm sorry I hurt you… I'm sorry I left you alone… I'm sorry I couldn't love you enough… You deserve better… I would like to tell you I wish you find this kind of love… but I'm not sure…" he said to her trying to restrain a cracking voice, staring to show the tip of the iceberg. "…because loving like this… it feels like a curse… it feels like an ocean… so powerful that can't be restraint by the weak dam that is my heart right now… I feel like something it's going to burst… and it can't fit in my chest… and I can't stand it… loving like this, took away my life and soul… This kind of love… it got me stabbed right here inside my bones with pain… This love… It feels like falling… and falling… in a very deep hole with no bottom and no faith… So here I am… like the rock that had accepted its destiny to be hit over and over by the ocean…" his will finally cracked as he starts to sob real hard… as Addison holds him as if he were made of crystal… "She's my reason to live, and I can't find her… I look for her all the time… but she's not here… and maybe she's scared… and she needs me and I don't know where she is… and she's everything… everything… I have nothing without her… I have nothing to give…"
"I know honey… I know… But don't you think she wants you to take care of her daughter… It's her little girl… your little girl…! There are a lot of things we don't know… there is a huge question mark regarding her, and the things she'd done ever since she disappeared… but she wanted this baby Derek… that… we know for sure… that's why she kept her… otherwise… you know…" she paused to make him understand the implication. "If you love her as you say you do… you have to do it for her… because she can't do it herself right know… and she needs you to do it for her… You say you can't find her… I know where she is… and she's scared… and she needs you… You say you have nothing to give… Maybe you don't have to give anything… You've already been given… She's your daughter Derek" she said to him while rocking him back and forth… "Just give her a name"
She was born on a rainy Monday at twelve fifteen… she arrived at this world screaming loudly… maybe at sadness… maybe as a protest… maybe as a way to announce the world she was finally here… as a way to show how she clung to her life with everything… she was a fighter… she was a survivor… and she was determined to stick around… so she cried… she cried to announce herself… she cried to be accepted… or just noticed… and she wasn't going to stop, because it was the only way she could communicate with the world… and she was going to make them listen.
She stopped crying when finally someone attended her calling… a huge and masculine thumb rubbed through the palm of her little hand… It felt good… It felt comforting and warm… so she stopped… she stopped crying… at least for now…
Derek looked at her with tears in his eyes… so new… so tiny… so fragile… and yet so strong… life had given her, her first strike and she was still breathing… It's amazing… how she did it…? How after all the trauma… all the pain… all the surgeries her mother had to put up to… there she was… breathing… a titanic act for her tiny self… So he stood at there looking at her… absorbing her… and the idea of her… Addison was right… there she was… there… in that tiny body… he found her tiny nose… and her eyes… there they were… those beautiful gray-greenish eyes looking back at him… and the little trace she had of hair… it was a dark curly one… they say babies change a lot, but this one… she just couldn't hide she was her mother's daughter…
"Abigail" He said suddenly… almost in a whisper… while he carried her putting her against his chest, and smelled her little head, as the tears started to fall down his cheeks, putting his hand against the large of her back and caressed her softly. "Abby"
A/N I really appreciate your patience I know this update took me a long time, but I'm back at school and I have a lot to study so I'm sorry to say that It's going to take me longer to update… so If you happen to stick with me even when I just announce that this is going to be kind of slow from now on… I will really appreciate it… so there you have it… my last update… I cried a lot while writing it… what the hell it's wrong with me that I always find a way to drama… I promise not everything it's going to be this sad… Derek is about to change… he's going to change a lot… He just became a daddy… and he just seemed to accept the responsibility… So… I hope you enjoyed it… Please review…
