The Dark Disclaimer: Parts of this chapter are lifted in whole or part from New Moon and Eclipse. Does that make it mine? No, no it does not. Am I Stephenie Meyer? No, no I am not. And I thank God every day.
but as always, the thing that he loves he will change
Tori Amos, "Virginia"
6. Gravity
The trip back to Forks was so quiet that I could hear each tiny rattle in the truck's engine. The trees passed by in a blur of evergreen, and the mist clouded the windshield without a single drop of rain falling.
My dread from earlier had expanded into full-fledged alarm. Jacob had already told me that he was a werewolf, that he had killed a vampire and intended to kill more, that all his friends were wolves too and they could read each others' minds. What could possibly be so strange after all that? What would he be so terrified to tell me?
Whatever it was, did he think I couldn't handle it? Hadn't I proven that I was pretty good with weird?
Did he not trust me?
Maybe that was it. I scratched around the edge of my cast, feeling the cool skin where an inch of the scar from James remained visible. After all, I'd been the girlfriend of a vampire - though girlfriend was such a blase, hackneyed term for what Edward and I had been. There wasn't a word in any language for what we'd been. And while Edward had cut himself loose from that connection, I still remained, somehow eternally bound to him even though he was free from me.
I could see how Jacob might not want to share many secrets with a girl eternally bound to one of his mortal enemies.
That wasn't right, though; just because I was bound to Edward didn't mean I would be disloyal to Jacob. The very idea was absurd. No matter what the big secret was, I would never, ever betray him. Not to anyone.
Not even to Edward? a little voice in my head asked.
I swallowed hard. It was a pointless question, but that didn't stop the painful sting. Edward wasn't coming back. There would never be any reason for he and Jacob to be at odds. My faithfulness to one would never be stacked against my loyalty to the other.
But if he wanted to know, the little voice egged me on. Would you tell him?
My gaze slid away from the window and to my left, to the enormous copper-toned hands gripping the steering wheel. The hands that had held mine more times than I could count, that now flinched away from me whenever I reached for them.
No. I knew wouldn't betray Jacob's secrets. Not even if Edward asked me to.
The realization allowed something rattling loose in my chest to settle and quiet down. The dread faded from my body and replaced itself with resolve. For some reason, Jacob didn't trust me enough anymore to touch me. But he could trust me, I knew it - if I would defend him from Edward, then I would certainly defend him from anyone else on the face of the earth. I would just have to show him. I would prove myself trust-worthy in his eyes. Somehow.
I would start by taking whatever this new secret was very, very well.
Faster than I would have thought possible, given the truck's speed limitations, we were pulling into my driveway. The mist was so thick that the outline of the house seemed hazy. There was no sign of the cruiser; Charlie must not have returned from the station yet.
I turned and studied Jacob's face. He stared straight ahead, like he was hoping that the side of the house would give him the strength to do... whatever it was that he had to do. I also had the sneaking suspicion that he was trying to figure out if he could simply jump out of the truck and run away.
I made every effort to be patient, but the time ticked by with agonizing slowness. After five minutes I finally said, "Jake, look-"
"I imprinted on you." The words came out in a rush. "I imprinted on you and I'm sorry and I promise I'm fighting it as hard as I can, but it happened and it's pretty tough to hold off and I didn't want to tell you but maybe Sam's right, maybe it'll be better this way, but I don't think he really knows what he's talking about even if he thinks he does, and it's not your fault or your problem but I swear I'm going to figure something out soon and then things will be like they were before except it might be kind of hard for awhile and the whole thing really sucks."
I blinked.
Jacob finally took a breath, rubbing his hands absently against the steering wheel. "Anyway, yeah. That's it. That's what I didn't tell you."
I waited for a moment for more information, but none seemed forthcoming. "Um, Jacob," I said eventually, "you know I don't know what 'imprinted' means, right?"
He hung his head. "It's one of those wolf things. It's... it shows us who our soul mates are," he whispered.
"Huh? How can anything just tell you who your soul mate is?" I frowned deeply, trying to make sense of what he was saying to me. "I mean, did you get a letter in the mail or something? I don't understand."
"No one actually understands." I could see Jacob's face darkening, even though he was still keeping his focus on the steering wheel. "The legends are stupid and cryptic and in spite of what Sam says, they're open to lots of interpretation. But... yeah. When the imprint happens and you find your soul mate, believe me, you know."
"So... you're sure."
"Yeah," Jacob said softly. "Oh, yeah."
Soul mates.
I processed this for a few minutes. "Well... okay."
Jacob looked up at me incredulously, and I saw with a stabbing ache that he had been near tears. "What?"
"So we're soul mates," I said slowly. "Is that such a surprise?" It actually made a ton of sense to me, like I was being told something that I already knew. I had always felt such a pull toward Jacob - an instant connection, the sort I'd felt with almost no one. Parts of me were horribly scarred and broken, but around Jacob I always felt whole, like he filled in the missing pieces in my body. Maybe he was filling in the missing pieces in my soul, instead.
I remembered my mother talking to me about soul mates when I was in elementary school; she had been going through one of her more spiritual phases, something that had involved a lot of colored rocks and meditation. She'd declared she had found her soul mate at one of the meetings she was going to, an older woman named Barb who had graying hair and a ready smile. No matter how bizarre their circumstances of coming together, I couldn't deny that they had been the very best of friends. Sisters, practically; they would literally finish each others' sentences. When Barb's job transferred her to Maine, Renee had cried in her room for weeks and I'd lived off of microwaved Spaghetti-Os. She never went back to the meetings.
So maybe Jacob was my Barb. I didn't believe colored rocks and meditation could tell you who your soul mate was, but I was much inclined to trust in these wolf things. And if there truly was a soul, Jacob certainly soothed mine.
And hadn't I felt a claim to him? Like he was my flesh-and-blood brother?
Why was this such a bad thing?
Jacob was shaking his head back and forth in disbelief. "Okay, Bella, I don't think you're getting it."
I raised an eyebrow at the expression on his face. "Then explain it to me."
"It's not... Bella, I mean, people throw around the term 'soul mates' all the time," Jacob said, staring at me like he was trying to burn his words into my brain. "But it's a lot stronger than they mean, okay? It's much, much stronger. It's like... gravity moves. Once you see your imprint, in that instant she becomes the center of your world. Nothing matters more than her. She's the one holding you in place. She's the most important thing, practically the only thing. You would be anything for her. And neither of you get a choice about it." He scowled. "Theoretically. I'm working on that part. It's kind of exhausting, but I'm not going to give up."
The reality of the situation was starting to dawn on me. "It's... not just soul mates," I said slowly, a sick, churning feeling developing inside. "You're talking about love."
He bit his lip and nodded, his eyes still feverishly on mine.
My breath stopped in my lungs. Now I understood that hated look on his face, the one that bled agony and pain and the something else. The something else was love, consuming and unconditional... combined with the anger that it existed in the first place, and the misery of fighting it. "Oh no," I whispered.
"Yep. You own me." Jacob laughed, his bitterness on full display. "Consider it a late Christmas present."
"But- but I don't want to own you!" I protested vehemently, my voice high and shrill. Jacob flinched as I said it, and I realized how that might be taken. "I mean, it's not that... I don't... I want... you shouldn't be owned by anyone!"
"Yeah, well, that's the way it is. Anyway, even if you didn't own me, Sam would."
I felt raging fire starting to burn through my veins. "No. He doesn't get to own you either. Don't talk like that."
"Sorry." Jacob's face was back to miserable. He picked absently at his fingernails. "I'm sorry. I didn't want you to be upset when there's not anything you can do about it. I was planning to fight it off before you found out, and then you would never have had to know. That's why I didn't want to tell you."
"No, it's better that you did... I think." I frowned as I recalled part of Jacob's explanation. "What do you mean, you would be anything for me?"
He shrugged, not looking up. "Just what I said. A friend, a sibling... or more. And I'd be happy with whatever you wanted. According to the legends, anyway." Jacob swallowed. "But it's all just theoretical. No one's been told to be a friend. Nobody's imprinted on a girl who's in love with someone else."
Guilt lashed at me.
"Anyway, yeah, it's up to you, I guess. You're the imprintee. You call the shots."
I blinked. "You mean you don't get a say?"
"Don't think so."
Holy crow.
This was a way out, I realized. A way out of the line-blurred mess that I'd somehow stumbled into by not being clear enough with Jacob from the beginning. If the legends were right - which he seemed to doubt - I could just... tell him not to feel that way about me, and he wouldn't. Case closed. He'd be happy doing what I asked of him. I wouldn't have to worry about hurting him anymore. Our relationship would be natural, comfortable, without any of the confusion that had tickled around the edges from the first moment I brought the bikes to his garage.
Four words from me - Be my brother, Jacob - and this would all go away.
It was disgusting.
"I don't like it," I said angrily. "It's awful. Something like that just being forced on you? No. I refuse. I won't do it."
Jacob's eyebrows shot up. "You won't?" he said, disbelieving.
"No." The surprise in his voice pained me. "I'm not going to order you around. I won't. Not ever. I didn't even like the question thing."
He snorted. "Believe me, I didn't either." Then he gave me a surprisingly shy sideways glance. "You're really not going to tell me what to be?"
"Of course not." I studied him for a long moment, particularly the way his hands were still clenching on the wheel. A strident little voice told me Don't ask don't ask don't ask, but the rest of me needed to know. "But, if you don't mind telling me... what do you want, Jacob? If you were the one calling the shots, I mean?"
Jacob hesitated for a very long moment, his knuckles turning white. Then, slowly, he met my eyes again - and this time he didn't hold anything back. He let that awful guard down, and I saw everything without the slightest difficulty or effort, right out in the open. It was all there: the longing of a little boy... the adoration of a smitten adolescent... the desire of a grown man. Jacob was naked in front of me, and the raw heat of it seared my body inside and out.
Too much too much too much.
I had to duck my head, letting my hair fall forward and hide my face. "Oh," I said in a small voice.
"Yeah." There was a long, weary sigh. "I'm so sorry, Bells. Things shouldn't be like this." He took a deep breath, one that I could hear shaking in his lungs. "But I'm going to keep fighting it, I promise. I'll make it go away, and then things can go back to the way they were. Except for the wolf part. I think I'm stuck with that."
"How do you fight it?"
Jacob shrugged unhappily. "I'm kind of making it up as I go. For the first day I tried to think about other things - you know, saying 'I'm at the store right now', rather than 'I'm at the store which is six miles from Bella's house which is where she probably is.' But that didn't work at all, so I decided that I'd better just... not see you." He shuddered. "It's why I stayed away for the last week."
"I missed you," I said softly.
"I know. I missed you too. I missed you so much, Bells, you have no idea... but I thought it would help, that it would make things better."
"Did it?"
He shook his head. "Nope. Made things worse. I couldn't think straight and it was driving the whole pack crazy." He frowned darkly. "That's why Sam made me talk to you. Said it was for the common good. But I think he's just being a jerk."
"I can easily imagine that," I muttered.
Jacob's lips twitched. "Yeah. When I fight this off his brain will explode."
"He said it couldn't be fought," I said, remembering the conversation with Sam from the night before. Had it really only been one day? How could one's entire life change so completely in one day?
Then again, hadn't everything important to me happened in single days? The day I met Edward? The day Edward said he loved me? The day Edward rescued me from James?
The day of my birthday party?
I bit my lip so hard I nearly drew blood. Later, I promised myself. Later I would think about these things and give Edward the time he deserved. But not now.
Jacob was rubbing his thumb against a tiny crack in the leather of the steering wheel. "Sam says it can't be fought," he replied sourly. "But I think maybe he just believes that so he doesn't feel so guilty."
My brow furrowed in confusion for a moment. Then I understood. "Oh. Emily. Emily is Sam's imprint?"
"Yeah. But he was with Leah Clearwater first. They were practically engaged. Then he met Emily - well, he'd met her a couple times before, but this was the first time after he'd started phasing - and he imprinted on her. He dumped Leah that night and was at Emily's door the next day. And now... well, you saw them."
I gaped. "You're kidding." I thought of the beautiful girl in Jacob's house on spaghetti night, with the eyelashes like feather dusters, who had been on the phone the entire evening rather than eating with the rest of us. I'd had no idea that she'd been nursing a heartache something like my own. I wondered if there was a hole missing in her chest, too. "Poor Leah."
"It gets worse. Emily's is Leah's cousin, except they were more like sisters. They were best friends. Not anymore, though, obviously."
I was nearly speechless with shock. "How could Emily do that? Just accept Sam after he'd left Leah?"
"Good question," Jacob said bitterly, like he already knew the answer. "That violates about sixty million girl rules, right? Taking your best friend's boyfriend?"
"Definitely." I had almost no experience dating - what Edward and I had done couldn't really be classified as dating - but even I knew that that was an absolute violation of every bond of sisterhood.
"And," Jacob persisted, becoming a bit agitated, "does that seem right? I mean, you just met Emily. Does she seem like the kind of person who would do something like that?"
I shook my head slowly. Emily had been sweet, and kind, and extremely friendly. The idea that she would just... this story didn't mesh at all. "It doesn't make sense."
"Exactly. It makes no sense. And Kim - Jared's imprint, he's the only other one who has, except for me - they'd never even spoken. I mean, she had this big crush on him or something, but he'd never noticed her, then one day he looks her in the eye and bam!" He clapped his hands together and I flinched. "He was declaring his eternal love by the end of the school day. And that's how imprinting works for us. But, Bells, if some guy you'd never spoken to suddenly said he worshipped the ground you walked on, even if you had a thing for him - wouldn't you think that was weird?"
I tried to think. It was almost impossible to picture, to remember myself the way I'd been then, but... yes, if Edward had told me the day we met that I was his whole life, I probably would have had a heart attack on the spot. "Yeah. It would be pretty bizarre."
"And you'd have freaked out, right?" Jacob persisted.
"Yes..."
"But that's the thing. She didn't." Jacob's hands shook against the wheel; whatever he was getting at, it was clearly torturing him. "Maybe she thought it was strange for half a second, but then she was happy as a clam. It was so messed up, Bella, do you get it, even if you said what I wanted to hear it wouldn't count, it wouldn't-" His voice cracked, and he turned his face hurriedly towards the driver's side window.
My body went even colder than before as I realized what he meant. "But, Jacob," I said, "it's not... I feel fine, okay? There's no change."
"Yeah, well, you wouldn't think there was, would you."
"But there isn't," I insisted. "Okay, I'm tired and my hand hurts and this whole thing is giving me a headache, but I haven't- Jacob, please look at me."
I heard a sniffle, and then Jacob turned slowly in the seat to face me. He was dry-eyed but trembling. "I will never say anything to you that I don't feel," I stated unequivocally, placing clear emphasis on each word. "I promise." When he shook his head, I asked, "What can I do to make you believe me?"
"Probably nothing," Jacob said miserably. "We're damned if we do and damned if we don't." I made a noise of frustration, and he amended, "Unless I can fight off the imprint. Which I will. I don't know what it'll look like, really, but I'll figure it out, just watch."
"And make yourself crazy in the process?" I said. I glanced at the already nearly healed gash up his arm, the one Paul had left. And Paul hadn't been going for the kill. Jacob was supposed to be fighting Victoria, and if he couldn't focus... he'd only be in greater danger. It was horrible enough to imagine him facing down a vampire, even as a giant wolf, but if he was wasting his energy on this- "It... Jake, it's not worth it if you're putting yourself at risk," I said carefully.
"Yes it is," Jacob snapped. "It can handle it, Bella."
"We can figure out something else, some way to live with it-"
"Nothing matters more to me than this. I want it gone. Then... I had this plan, and... it'll just be us again, Bells, the way it was. And everything will be fine." He caught the expression on my face, and some of his intensity faded. He said more gently, "Look, I'm already learning, right? I thought staying away would work, but it didn't, and so maybe just, you know, some controlled exposure or something... I mean, yesterday I could barely talk to you, and now we're sitting in the same car, having a conversation, so that's a big step up," he tried to joke. "Maybe next time neither of us will cry."
I blinked back my tears furiously. I didn't want him to feel any worse than he already did. "Jacob, you need to focus on fighting Victoria-"
"I can do both."
"But if you get hurt-"
"I won't."
I raised my chin. "Promise?"
Jacob met my eyes for a moment, then glanced away. He remained silent.
I smiled grimly. "That's what I thought."
"I'll be careful," he said instead. "Don't worry."
"Fat chance of that."
"Bella, it'll be-" Jacob cut off abruptly and glanced out the window and down the street, cocking his head to the side. "Your dad's coming," he said. "He's three blocks away."
I blinked. "You can really hear that well?"
Jacob shrugged. "Might be three and a half blocks. I'm still getting a feel for this wolf hearing thing. It's definitely him, though, I'd know that muffler anywhere."
"Are all your senses heightened?" I asked curiously.
"Mostly just sound and smell. And I can see in the dark a lot better."
Smell. Of course. Looked like I would be taking three showers a day again. Personal hygiene became a source of severe anxiety when you spent all your time with people who could catch the smallest odor from fifty feet away.
Jacob turned the engine back on; the truck sputtered to life with an asthmatic growl. "I've got to get going, Bells. I'll take the truck, then you can have Charlie bring you down to La Push tomorrow to pick it up. Then we'll get Harry to make fish and you can stay all day." He frowned faintly as he said it, and I knew he was still unhappy with the idea of me being used as bait for Victoria.
"You know you just want to spend quality time with the pickup," I joked, trying to lighten the mood.
His sudden, sunny smile warmed me inside and out. "Uh-huh. You think I haven't been listening to those pings? When's the last time you changed the oil?" I winced sheepishly, and he groaned. "Oh, man, I knew it. You're gonna kill my truck."
"I am most certainly not going to kill my truck, thank you."
"Right. Well, when I get a few minutes I'll get under the hood and see what else you've shaken loose." I humphed just for effect, and Jacob's smile turned wistful. "See?" he prodded gently. "See, this is good. It can be like before. It'll be fine, Bella."
I nodded, but couldn't help looking longingly at his hands where they still gripped the wheel. I had never realized how much I had come to depend on the physical aspect of Jacob's presence until now, when it was no longer open to me. "Giving you a goodbye hug is definitely out?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
Jacob's knuckles turned white again. "I'm pretty sure that'll make it a hell of a lot harder to fight."
Right now, shivering with cold and desperate to comfort and be comforted, that didn't sound so bad. But it wasn't what Jacob wanted, and as wretchedly selfish, wretchedly human as I might have been, I still refused to take from him anything he didn't actually want to give. "All right," I whispered. I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw Charlie's police cruiser coming up the street. "You'd better go, Jake, unless you want Charlie to start interrogating you about the activities of Sam Uley's gang." He raised an eyebrow at me, and I shrugged. "I was... kind of upset last night."
"Yeah. Me too." Jacob's face was pained as I opened the door and hopped out of the truck onto the gravel of the driveway. When I met his eyes, they were full of that awfulness that I hated so much - and now I knew I was the cause of it. "I'll see you tomorrow, Bella."
I nodded. "Yeah. Tomorrow." I swallowed. I'd be spending the evening lying around the house, trying not to go out of my mind as I assimilated everything I'd just learned, but he'd be out hunting and who-knew-what-else on Sam's orders. "You'll be careful, right?" I said anxiously. "I mean, doing... whatever it is you'll be doing."
"Sure, sure," he said lightly. "Bye, Bells."
"Bye, Jake."
I stepped back and closed the truck door - just as Charlie parked the cruiser. He raised his eyebrows in surprise as Jacob backed the Chevy out of the driveway, waved, and sped off back towards La Push.
Charlie frowned as the truck passed by, then walked with me towards the house. He looked tired. "Did Jacob Black just steal your car?" he demanded.
I rolled my eyes. "No, Dad. He's keeping it tonight to change the oil." I watched him unlock the front door and added, "Do you mind taking me down there tomorrow to pick it up?"
"Sure, that's fine." Charlie glanced at me suspiciously as he took off his shoes and his gun belt. "You two made up, then?"
"Yeah. Things are okay now. It was... a misunderstanding."
"A misunderstanding," he repeated skeptically. "So Jacob isn't part of Sam Uley's gang?"
I winced. It was going to be hard to get out of this one. "Well... no. I mean, he is, but it's not really a gang, I guess. They're just... friends."
The skepticism on Charlie's face deepened into downright disbelief. "Friends. Yesterday you were crying your eyes out, and now you're telling me everything is fine?"
"No," I said emphatically. That certainly wasn't a lie - things couldn't be less fine. "I don't like Sam, and I don't like... But I guess Jacob still wants to see me, that's what we talked about, and, well, I figure maybe I can be a positive influence or something. If he's spending time with me, he's not spending time with Sam, right?" I hoped that sounded remotely convincing. To be fair, it was partially true. I didn't like Sam. Maybe it was unfair, but it still felt like this was all his fault, that he'd stolen Jacob away and put him into this miserable position. And if I was around, then that was less control Sam had.
Really, all I was leaving out was the part about how they were all transforming into werewolves to keep a murderous vampire at bay - which counted more as a sin of omission than anything else.
"Anyway," I continued hastily, "um, I talked to Billy, and he was thinking maybe when you bring me to get the truck tomorrow, you could stick around and watch that March Madness thing with him and Harry."
He narrowed his eyes. "Really. The last time I spoke to Billy I called him a son of a bitch."
I shrugged. "Well, maybe he wants to make up or something." It was time for the big guns. "He said to tell you Harry's making fish fry."
Charlie studied me for a long moment - I tried to keep my face impassive - then he sighed. "I guess there's not much point in asking my teenage daughter to tell me what's really going on, right?" His question wasn't really a question.
"It's nothing. Really. Besides, it's not like you and Billy have never called each other sons of bitches before, right?"
"That's true," he said grudgingly. "All right. We'll go down tomorrow and see what's what."
"Thanks, Dad." We trudged into the living room together; I was completely exhausted from the day, and Charlie didn't look much better. I felt a pang of guilt as I remembered he'd spent most of the previous night in the ER with me. "How did the hiker thing go?"
"Lots of paperwork," he grumbled, flopping into his recliner and reaching for the remote. "The rangers are out searching for a body, but I don't think they're going to find anything. Animals don't often leave much behind, and a pack of wolves wouldn't leave so much as a scrap. I'll feel a lot better once they've been caught and destroyed."
I shivered. After seeing the way Jacob's arm healed, I wasn't so worried about hunters could do to him, but still... "Maybe the wolves aren't the ones doing it." When Charlie turned in his chair to face me incredulously, I added in a weak tone, "I mean, they didn't attack me when I saw them, so... maybe these are good wolves."
Charlie stared at me in disbelief for a full five seconds, then demanded, "Have you been drinking?"
"No!"
He shook his head and turned back to the television, muttering under his breath about 'good wolves.'
Well, it had been worth a shot.
I spent the evening watching basketball with Charlie, to his thorough surprise and gruff pleasure. It was a bit boring - another game that seemed to be comprised of running from side to side with a ball, and this one didn't even involve hitting each other with sticks. But I had to admit, there was something relaxing about watching other people exert themselves. For a few hours I didn't think much about vampires, or werewolves, or vendettas, or imprints. By the end of the game, I even felt something closer to balanced.
But I couldn't sleep. Even after having a few swigs of cough syrup, I tossed and turned in my bed, trying to relax and failing entirely. In the dark it was so much harder to not obsess over everything.
My best friend was a werewolf and in love with me against his will.
A vampire was trying to break through a line of teenage boys to revenge herself on my ex-boyfriend by taking my life.
My chest was full of holes and hurt all the time.
Oh, and I was going to be acting as bait.
It didn't surprise me very much when, at that thought, I heard Edward's angry voice. "Don't do this, Bella. Do not put yourself in harm's way. Be safe."
But I can help, I countered silently, rolling onto my back and cradling my cast. It's the only thing I can do.
"It isn't worth the risk, Bella."
Yes it is. This whole mess is my fault. Victoria is hunting me. They're putting themselves in danger because of me. I have to do something.
"They are werewolves," Edward's honeyed tones persisted. "Immature, volatile werewolves."
Don't. I was talking to myself, to a figment of my imagination, to a shadow that wasn't really there, that couldn't be there - and I was getting angry all the same. Don't talk about them like that.
"Look at Emily, Bella."
Stop it.
"He's the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself."
Fury lashed through me, white and flaming. Don't ever compare Jacob to her. Not ever.
"Leave them to each other, Bella. Protect yourself. For me. Please."
"Shut up," I hissed aloud. My head spun sickeningly from exhaustion and the cough syrup. "You don't know what you're talking about, so just shut the hell up and leave me alone." I rolled onto my side and curled into a fetal position, pulling a pillow to my chest and hugging it tightly.
It only took a few moments to realize what I'd thoughtlessly done.
I'd sent Edward away.
Panic rose in my body and the gaping, open wound that was exclusively his started to stab violently at me, agonizing pain lancing at me with every heartbeat. I sat up in bed, looking around as though I would see him, even though I knew I wouldn't. I'm sorry, I begged silently. I didn't mean it. Please don't go away.
Edward's voice was silent.
My breath left my chest as my lungs ceased functioning. Please, please, I take it back, I'm sorry, I love you, please, don't leave me again! Hot tears coursed down my cheeks and dripped onto my purple comforter. I wrapped my arms tightly around my chest, trying to hold myself in one piece. The wounds burned as freshly as the day they were created.
He didn't respond.
I cried, and didn't stop. I couldn't stop. I rocked back and forth on the bed for what felt like hours, the misery coming from a seemingly bottomless well around my heart. At least the tears fell silently, so I wasn't disturbing Charlie with my grief.
Hours later, lying prone on the bed, curled in a freezing ball, I heard the faintest noise in the distance. A howl. And then, finally, I fell into a deep, exhausted sleep.
Coming Soon: Cold
Sanity Update: Earlier this week, I realized that I was going to have to rework substantial portions of the second half of this fic. My despair, it was great, as was my migraine (and later, hangover). Then I had a caffeinated Eureka! moment at seven in the morning, leading me to bounce excitedly into the bedroom, scaring the cats and waking my husband from a very pleasant sleep, explaining to him at a coffee-fueled mile a minute rate what I'd just figured out. (Before long, the Sanity Updates will be his.) Regardless, reworkings may necessitate a delay of updates sometime soon (not yet, but soon). I shall try to muscle through it and keep up the bi-weekly pace, but I just wanted to give out a heads-up. The delay at least would come from a positive "This part makes sense to me now!" place, as opposed to a negative "That's it, bring me the cyanide tablets" place.
