SEXUAL FEELINGS AND COMPLIANCE
It was late afternoon before Edward carried me inside the house and sat me down on a chair. Of course Alice knew what had happened.
"So your legs are still painful?" she asked.
I was embarrassed to have to admit it to everyone, "Yes, Alice," I grumbled.
"Ok, miss stubborn as a mule, what were you thinking?"
"I would have been fine, Alice, I'm sure; please don't be angry with me, Edward already was."
"Not angry enough I'm sure," she retorted. "When are you going to stop doing what you think you have to do? "How much do you have to hurt yourself because you want to do your own thing? Who else are you going to hurt because you don't want to listen?
"I'm sorry Alice, I promise I'll do better, please believe me." I was so embarrassed.
'Are you aware that what the doctor says is right?"
"Yes," I looked at Carlisle who looked very grave.
"If you still have pain tomorrow, you'd better admit to it and you must not walk. Running is out of the question, you may have set things back more; in fact, you will stay in bed tomorrow, until I'm sure the pain has gone I have my own ways to determine that without relying on your word. By the way, you may go for a ride with Edward this evening but I don't want you driving" he then left noiselessly.
Alice came over and hugged me, consider yourself told off. I hung my head, then I asked Edward to take me upstairs, he picked me up and I buried my head in his chest. Once up stairs, he laid me on the bed and I curled up in a ball, Please leave me alone, I asked. I need to think things through."
"Only if we talk later," he said.
"I already promised you I would let you know my thoughts but just let me think them through first."
"No editing."
"I promise." And he left.
I lay for what seemed like an hour, angry at me. Why was the first thing I did the opposite of my intentions to please? Would they ever trust me again? I knew I wouldn't want to trust me. Would I behave myself when I met humans, or would I again think I knew best? What was wrong with me? This family cared about me. All I had to do was comply. Compliance seemed like an ugly word because it meant obedience, and it took away my free agency. I knew however, this was only temporary. As soon as I had proved myself, I could do and think for myself. I made a pact with myself to be truthful and compliant with the Cullen's no matter how insignificant it seemed to me and even if it had been meant to only hurt myself. I realized that every time I hurt myself, I hurt Edward and I must not do that to him. I swore to myself I would be good.
I wanted Edward to come back now, I whispered his name and he heard me. I told him everything in my mind and it actually felt good to speak what I had been thinking. "I'm sorry I asked you to leave, because I couldn't stand to be separated from you. I'm so used to thinking things out in solitude. I realize now, I need to talk my thoughts out to you and discuss what my options are with you. I will from now on if you want to hear what I have to say."
"I'm glad you started thinking us instead of you, and of course we will talk together, I definitely want to hear what you have to say," he said smiling.
"It might be trivial," I said.
"That's fine; it will probably help you to tell me more important things, if you tell me trivialities." He kissed me, putting his arms around me.
I stayed in his arms quite contentedly, not thinking anything except how happy I was. He looked at me expectantly.
"I was just thinking how happy I am to be in your arms."
He beamed at me, "That was good,"
"Are you happy too?" I asked.
"Absolutely," he said
"That's good," I said, not knowing what else to say.
I started to think about his mind knowing what others thought, and then I stopped thinking it.
"Edward, this is very hard for me to stop thinking things; I started to think about your mind knowing what others think,"
"Yes," he said, looking at me with laughing eyes.
"I know you're enjoying this," I was becoming frustrated because I didn't want to think.
"Very much," he said, "Please continue,"
"You knew what Alice and Carlisle, were going to say when we walked in the house,'
"I did absolutely." He said, smiling again.
"Why did you make me go through that?" I questioned.
"It would have happened eventually no matter what, I can't control how other people react. Even you knew Alice would be upset."
Why didn't you save me?"
"Don't you think you needed to go through that?" he asked.
"I suppose so," I conceded
"Is it going to make a difference?" he asked.
"I'm not going to do what I think I should without asking first," I said
"And if you're told no?" he asked.
"I promise not to go against your wishes," I said.
"No matter what?" he pursued.
"No matter what," I agreed.
"Then I think it was a good lesson, and I agree, you should have gone through it."
I was content to continue to stay in his arms and he seemed to know that.
"What are you thinking?" he asked.
"Just that I feel content in your arms, do you know that?"
"You're getting good, and yes I know that."
I sighed, "I don't want to make love just now, I'm happy just to be here. Is that alright?"
"Whatever makes you happy?"
"I want to make you happy more than me," I said.
"Just keep telling me what you are thinking."
"This is the hardest thing I've ever done, please can we kiss then I don't have to talk."
"We can kiss, but you still have to explain what you are thinking after we kiss,"
"That's easy I already know what I'll be thinking,"
"What's that?"
"I love you, and I'm sure I'll want to make love to you."
"Maybe we'd better not kiss then," he said smiling.
"Why?" I asked.
"Aren't we going for a drive," he reminded me.
I threw myself back on the bed and put my hands over my face, "Edward, I can't do this."
He wouldn't sympathize with me, "Yes you can, and you will, I demand that you keep your promise."
I lay still for a moment and looked at his angel face smiling at me, "You have me trapped, I love you, I want you, I love the way you smile at me, I love the way you touch me , breathe on me."
"How do you feel when I touch you," he was forcing me to declare my inner most feelings.
"Happy?" I volunteered.
"No, I want you to explain more than that."
I tried to think.
"Bella" he warned.
I held up my finger, "I don't know how to describe how I feel,"
"Try, I want you to let down the barriers and tell me exactly how you feel.
"My body reacts to your touch," I didn't want to say more but I knew he wanted more, "Please Edward, don't make me say it." He eyed me in a way that I must respond, "It's a sexual feeling, I feel waves of warmth, my spine tingles, I feel excited wherever you touch me and I want more, it sets off frenzy through my body. When you make love to me, I don't want you to go out of me; I want you to go deeper inside me and not stop. Then there's a climax to end the excitement, is that what you want?" I said, embarrassed because he made me say it.
"I wanted you to say it because now you can say anything to me. Was that the hardest thing you have ever had to explain?"
"I think so." I said in a small voice.
"Well now, every thing else should be easy."
"Do you want to go for a drive now, my love?"
I was happy to change the subject but still nervous because of my promise. I had to stay on my toes, "Yes," I said.
He lifted me up and we went to the garage.
We went for a drive in Edward's car, mine still unknown to me.
"Do you want to see what you have?" I shook my head; his gifts didn't interest me, only the giver.
He laid me down in the car so that my head was on his lap and I could look up at him. He looked down at me more often than not, caressing my face with one of his hands. I felt very comfortable, I wanted to kiss him but I didn't want to move. He didn't ask for my thoughts; I'm sure he could read my face. Even though it was dark, we could still see each others expressions. The whirr and vibration of the car made me feel peaceful.
"You know we're in heaven," I said suddenly, "I couldn't feel like this if we weren't," I reached up to touch his face and he smiled his angel smile.
"I agree it does feel like it," he allowed.
"You're still not convinced after what we've been through?"
"Tell me what we've been through." He wondered.
"Hell, of course."
He looked puzzled, "Because of the change?"
"No, silly, because of our separation, I said.
"Why are reminding me of that," he frowned.
"To make you see, we did the absolute right thing."
"Then or now," he still frowned.
"Then and now of course," I smiled and touched his face again, "It was very painful for both of us for the eight months we were separated, but in a way it was good because it felt so pleasant to be together again and now we have the sex to look forward to, all the holes are gone completely."
"You amaze me how you think and make everything seem right."
"That's because it is right, we were meant for each other; we might not be able to die but love is a good thing. People in hell don't feel love, only emptiness and misery.
"When we were separated, we still loved each other didn't we?" he said.
"Yes, but it wasn't a fulfilling love; it was an emptiness, a need, unrequited. The minute I came into contact with you in Volterra, I felt whole again."
"You thought it was just temporary," he reminded me.
"Yes, but I still felt whole, it wasn't as if I was healed, but just as if the holes never were there. The truth is I wanted you so much, that I couldn't bear for you not to hold me or touch me; even if our lives would end soon. I remember being so cold I was shivering but I didn't want to be pushed away from you. When Jane hurt you, I wanted to put myself in front of you to protect you but Alice held me back," I knew I was confessing all my feelings but I couldn't stop; he listened to me amazed, "When we were on the plane, I drank Coke to keep me awake so I could continue to watch you and touch you. I knew there would be nightmares if I slept but that wasn't the true reason I insisted on staying awake. I was afraid at first for you to kiss my mouth because I felt it would be harder to tear myself away from you when you left. When you did kiss me I was glad to experience that kiss at least one more time.'
"I didn't know," was all he could say.
I'm sure I loved you from the first moment I laid eyes on you even though that day you wanted to kill me, or at least thought you did. I'm not convinced you would have though. I couldn't get you out of my mind from that day onward and my dreams were of you always. One day I fell asleep at Charlie's while enjoying a brief moment of sun. When I awoke, I felt as if someone was there watching me," It was you, wasn't it?"
"Yes," he admitted smiling.
"When you rescued me in Port Angeles, I had been so frustrated because I hadn't seen you for a few days that I felt so comfortable in your presence. I knew then that I loved you and I couldn't live without you. When we were in the restaurant, I wanted to touch you so badly and then in the car, I was devastated at the thought of you leaving me.
In the meadow, I knew our relationship was pivotal, I knew I would rather die than never see you again and if I should die I wanted it to be you to kill me. I longed for your lips to touch mine and when they did I couldn't help but reciprocate.
By this time he had stopped the car and he now lifted me so I was sitting on his lap. He moved the seat away from the steering wheel so we had room. He kissed me tenderly.
I continued; I couldn't stop myself, my emotions were spilling over and I had to speak my mind, "When I went to meet James, it was to protect you even more than my mother, I thought he would kill me and then leave you alone, but he wanted you to come after me. I was devastated that you would come, because I knew you would and I was sad that I would die without holding you in my arms again. When I didn't die, you made me aware that our time was limited together and I couldn't bear what you told me. I would rather have died a hundred times than been apart from you. I knew I had to be changed and I knew Alice and all your family knew that, even Rosalie."
"When you told me you were leaving me, in the forest, I knew it was because I wasn't good enough for you and you told me that."
"That was a lie, my love." He growled.
"I know that now and I'm content because I believe I am beautiful in your eyes. No! More than that, I believe I am beautiful." I corrected myself, "Now you know all my thoughts and feelings about you. I laid myself wide open because I love you and you deserve to know. I truly want you to see inside my head and now you do; no secrets."
I smiled and looked in his angel face, he was beaming, and I put my arms around him and continued to look in his liquid gold eyes."
"What about Jacob," he pursued.
"You know about Jacob, I love him more than just family but I could never love or want him as I do you. He could never fulfill me as you do. He was not always my Jacob, the one I knew before he became a werewolf and he didn't care to protect me in the same way you do. When I was at Charlie's after Alice had arrived, following our separation; I was in the kitchen with Jacob when you called. He was about to kiss me and I was trying to decide if this was what I wanted. I knew the prince wasn't going to return and I thought maybe Paris could give me what I needed. I was ready to submit when the phone rang. It was you, although I didn't know that immediately. There was someone watching over us, that it should have been that exact moment you called and disrupted what might have happened. If I had been the one to answer it, it would have saved us all a lot of problems with the Volturi and I was upset with Jacob for answering it, but there was something in our relationship that was meant to be." I ended, smiling again because he was exultantly happy; I could tell he was thrilled to know my thoughts.
"That sounds like a fairytale," he said, I hope I'm the prince because I did return."
"Yes, of course you are your majesty, and this fairytale is going to end happily ever after."
"It isn't going to end, I promise." He kissed me.
When we arrived home, Alice was waiting as he carried me inside. She came over and hugged me; it was obvious what she had seen.
"I'm going to be better now, Alice," I said as we both smiled at Edward.
"Tomorrow we'll try again?" she asked.
"If my legs are better," I conceded.
"That's a good answer," she kissed my cheek.
Edward carried me up to our room and placed me on the bed. I started chatting about every thing and nothing, whatever was in my mind I spoke. My thoughts were always tumultuous, but now they came out in words because I wanted to keep my promise. Mostly it was silly things which made Edward laugh.
"I didn't realize you had so many thoughts in that brain of yours," he said laughing.
"Do you want me to stop?" I asked giggling.
"Only to kiss me, if you want to."
"Yes, I want to," I said very enthusiastically and jumped off the bed to run to him, "Ouch!" I said, "I forgot."
He replaced me on the bed and proceeded to rub my legs, "Careful," he said, frowning.
'I was going to kiss you, please let me," I demanded and he lowered his head as he pushed me down on the bed. We kissed.
"How was that?"
"I like kissing you, but it makes me want more."
"He gave me more until I couldn't breathe.
"How was that?" he asked again.
"S'more," I pleaded.
"I guess kissing isn't all you want, is it you witch?"
"I guess you're right."
He undressed me and then himself and we made love until day break.
