A/N:Okay, AnimaLight, I have decided to indulge you. So here, take it; a big-assed chapter just for you. I hope you enjoy it ;) But I won't do it again, your dark magic won't work on me anymore, nope!
I was going to split this one in two, but then realized it wouldn't make sense.
Not betaed.
It's Not Fair
Chapter Seven: Naruto's Feelings – Part II
Two weeks had passed since the 'incident', and in spite of how things seemed even more awkward between them, Sasuke and Naruto didn't stop seeing each other or hanging out.
While neither of them mentioned the little exchange of inappropriate text messages between them, there was still that huge effort on both their parts to not let things go completely dire.
The tension and frustration was obvious, and so was the impeding need to talk about it. Sasuke felt it in his body, like bugs crawling up all over him, and he knew, simply knew that Naruto felt it, too. Most of the times, when it was just the two of them, Sasuke felt the urge to either punch Naruto in the face or kiss him. Sometimes, Naruto talked a lot and about things Sasuke couldn't even understand because inside he was boiling in anger and exasperation, and all he wanted to do was to tell his friend to shut the fuck up so they could share a few minutes of quietude looking into each other's eyes. Sasuke knew how to read Naruto's eyes well, and was sure Naruto could read his, as well, so if they could just have that little while for just the two of them, maybe, just maybe, they could get through to each other, even without words, somehow.
Sometimes, Sasuke thought about doing all three things at the same time, if possible, but he never really had the courage to actually act upon his instincts, no matter how strong the impulse was.
He had no idea what it was that he wanted to say to Naruto so that he wouldn't be misunderstood. He didn't know what was wrong with him, or why he felt so lost whenever he and the blond where anywhere near each other. His confusion took over his daily life and it was driving him crazy. From day to day, things between them seemed to be getting worse, and this scared Sasuke because he simply didn't know how to make it stop and reverse things so that everything could be like the way it was before.
While he had enjoyed that initial tension, the flirting and the almost-kissing, he was also becoming increasingly regretful towards his giving in, because, clearly, it had led them to that terrible outcome. That intimacy had become somewhat precious to him, and he didn't want to regret it in spite of this knowledge making him feel guilty towards his marriage, but he was seriously starting to think that he'd take it all back if he only had a chance to be friends with Naruto in that easy way they had been before.
If someone from the outside looked at them, they wouldn't be able to tell the difference in their relationship because, to the eyes of others, they still talked normally to each other about random stuff, still laughed, still bickered here and there, and still looked like they got along well in spite of their diverging personalities. They still elbowed each other frequently, but that was the only contact they shared, and it always made Sasuke become pretty stiff and Naruto blush, the action always followed by awkward silence.
Sasuke was becoming to think that, if things stayed like this much longer, their friendship wouldn't survive until summer.
Nevertheless, no matter how frustratingly fidgety Naruto would become from day to day or how quickly Sasuke's smiles were dying to be replaced by frowns and glares, it was simpler to pretend and let the time pass. Pretending and taking the agonizing tension seemed worth it, if anything, because they genuinely wanted to be around each other, and there was no forcefulness in that.
There was no mistaking the look on Naruto's face every time Sasuke either agreed to hang out or suggested it himself. In spite of everything, even when Sasuke did want to hit something of bang his head against the walls, just knowing that they wanted to be around each other offered him a sort of small coziness that was irreplaceable.
000
That fateful Friday seemed to carry with it a sense of change.
A few days ago, Naruto had mentioned that he needed new strings for his guitar and asked if Sasuke wanted to go with him. Sasuke had no idea that the blond even played guitar, which was a rather idiotic fact considering Naruto was a Music teacher after all. More out of curiosity and eagerness to be with Naruto someplace different (seriously, the constant rendezvous at local cafés was beginning to tire him), Sasuke didn't even have to think before agreeing, especially because Naruto seemed really excited about bringing him along.
As per usual, when their classes were over, the two took the subway and headed to wherever it was Naruto had his car parked. Sasuke had no idea if that was the street where he lived, but he didn't dare to ask, and the other didn't offer any input to confirm or deny it.
Naruto owned an old dark red Ford Fiesta of 94 that he seemed very fond of. It was his first car, he had said, and he'd only get rid of it when the rusty can with wheels collapsed.
Since Naruto was a very relaxed person, Sasuke always had the idea that he was a bit of a slacker and kind of messy, but he was pleased to find out that the car was in good condition, and pristine clean on the inside. Well, Naruto could've also cleaned it because he knew Sasuke was going to sit there, but the first option was probably wishful thinking for the Uchiha.
Even though the car shook a lot and was terribly noisy, since it was a diesel engine, Sasuke found that he really liked it for some reason. It was cozy and it smelled good, not to mention that Naruto was enough of a good driver to make him feel safe.
Sasuke leaned back on his seat, making himself more comfortable as he tried to stretch his legs as much as he could. He looked to the side, to Naruto's profile, to see that the other male was focused on the road, his expression calm.
Sasuke had no idea where Naruto was taking him, but it wasn't as if he particularly cared. They drove for about half an hour and there was music playing, a pleasant mixture of rock and pop, and for once, Naruto decided to keep quiet instead of starting a random conversation, which was strangely soothing to Sasuke. At least they weren't pretending when they were silent, and they could both simply enjoy each other's presence without forced words or actions getting in the way. For the first time in several days, everything felt like it did when they had met, before the chaos had settled between them, and in spite of it being achieved with the much appreciated silence, it was still blissful, and a lot easier to bear than the useless chatter.
Sasuke allowed himself to shamelessly stare at Naruto for a while, simply taking a small pleasure in examining the other's features. Naruto gazed at him sideways before his blue eyes settled on the road once more, a small smile making the corner of his mouth twitch upwards. At seeing it, Sasuke felt himself smile a bit in return because he genuinely liked the way Naruto smiled, and it wasn't like his smiles towards him were ever really forced, but that one had a hint of something rare in it, something secretive that Sasuke knew not many had the chance to see. For the moment, it made him content.
The sun was already starting to set when Naruto stopped the car in a town Sasuke had never visited before, in a street full of all sorts of interesting looking shops. They walked for a while until they found the one Naruto wanted to visit. There were all sorts of instruments and sound systems displayed all over the wide show window, but when they got inside, Sasuke's chin fell. The place was huge, very modern and organized, and he didn't think he had ever seen so many musical instruments in his life, and certainly not in so many different shapes and colors.
Naruto positively beamed at him as they entered before heading to the counter to ask the employer for the type of strings he wanted. As he did this, Sasuke took his time taking a look around. He spent some time admiring a few weirdly-shaped violins before moving on to the acoustic guitars. Everything seemed so eccentric it seemed like each and every instrument was a unique piece – which probably was true. He found great interest in a particular black guitar painted in tones of smoky dark blue and grey on the front. It was hanging on the wall, looking smooth and pretty, and really, it wasn't like it was the most extravagant or fascinating one there, but somehow it caught Sasuke's attention.
Without thinking, he reached out to run the tips of his fingers over the polished surface.
"You like it?" The question was asked from behind him in a simple way by a familiar voice, a warm breath tingling his ear and sending shivers down his spine. Naruto's body wasn't even touching his, but he was definitely a lot closer than he had been during those seemingly never-ending days, so it was normal for Sasuke to feel overly conscious of his presence.
"I guess," Sasuke replied softly, without turning around, still looking at the object like it was a piece of art. "I don't even know how to play something like this, but there is an elegance to it that is really beautiful."
"Yeah," Naruto agreed, with a smile in his voice. "It's even more beautiful when it comes to life. Here, let me show you."
Sasuke felt Naruto move to his side and reach for the guitar, carefully removing it from its holder. He looked around in search for something until he found it. Sasuke followed him as he made his way to a small stool and sat down, placing the guitar over his lap. A little excited, Sasuke stood in front of him and watched as Naruto tuned the guitar, trying out the strings for the right tones for a while until he was satisfied. Then, taking a deep breath, he tried out a few experimental but efficient accords before smoothly starting a song, not one Sasuke was familiar with, and not one particularly complicated, but consistent enough to catch his attention. The melody was slow and simple, almost romantic but without dramatic undertones. Naruto played it confidently, his body relaxed and a small smile on his lips while he looked down at his own moving fingers, his messy fringe falling over his eyes.
The scene felt almost eerie to the dark-haired one, who could all but watch Naruto intently, almost mesmerized. He felt a kind of peace that he hardly possessed, even though his breathing became a little ragged because… he didn't know exactly why, but seeing his friend like that made him a little flushed.
He liked that Naruto knew how to play the guitar. He liked it even more that he played it well, and suddenly, he wanted to know if Naruto was also talented as far as his singing went, but he couldn't find the nerve to ask him to sing because it seemed like such a personal, intimate thing to ask all of a sudden.
So he simply sat down on the floor with legs crossed Indian style, his elbows resting over his knees. Naruto stopped playing, looking smug.
"So, I have an audience now," he said, offering Sasuke a small smile.
"You do," Sasuke confirmed, with a falsely serious nod. "Can't you see I just made myself comfortable? I'm going to start throwing coins at you in a minute."
"I'm guessing you want me to play for you, then." Naruto chuckled and shifted slightly on the stool. "What do you want me to play? I can't promise to know the piece you suggest, though."
"Anything's fine," Sasuke replied, shrugging, before adding "But I liked what you were playing, so something of the same genre would be nice."
With a calm nod, Naruto made his fingers travel over the strings, creating a few slow notes. "Anything to keep you happy, Sasuke" he said, winking at him, and this made Sasuke feel so warm inside he couldn't stop the smirk from forming on his mouth if he had tried really hard.
A few seconds later, another flowing melody filled the air and Naruto played it as easily as he had the previous one. Sasuke allowed himself to sigh and close his eyes.
He had no idea how long he sat there, simply listening to Naruto play in the middle of the store. His eyes were closed, but he could feel Naruto's intense gaze on him as he played song after song that Sasuke couldn't recognize, but it wasn't as if he minded it. Naruto's eyes were on him, watching him, appreciating him, and they felt like the brush of fingertips, softly caressing him all over, calmingly. That perception wasn't something he could explain, but it felt like he could sense the gentleness in those eyes, what they were telling him, and by not looking back, Sasuke was both silently accepting it and refusing to acknowledge it. There was no way he could tell what he'd do if he did, but he was sure that it would probably be emotionally painful.
Somehow, it was better to just enjoy the moment for what it was, because for the first time in weeks, the air between them was lighter, and for a moment, it became easier to breathe. Sensing those feelings they shared was different from experiencing it, from seeing it, and it was easier to deal with, less real, if that made sense. Naruto's music and his presence were captivating to Sasuke, who felt enraptured inside those walls that trapped them together, wishing that every moment between them could be as easy as this, as intimate as this, when, even if for just a few minutes, he could forget about the rest of the world.
000
There was no way Sasuke could lie about how content just being around Naruto made him feel, and he knew that Naruto felt the same way. Still, as soon as they left the store where Naruto had played the guitar for him, the spell was broken and the distance between them made Sasuke feel like Naruto had, once more, closed in on himself in order to keep him at arms' length. This was something that now, more than angering or frustrating him, deeply saddened him instead.
To some extent, Sasuke understood that there was a certain dark beauty to what was happening with them. Everything they did together felt like something extraordinary, no matter how silly or apparently banal the situation was. But that was why it was all so unfortunate.
They didn't talk much, and still, the silence was strangely comfortable, and Sasuke found out that he preferred it. Since both of them were hungry, they agreed to drop by somewhere to grab something to eat. They stopped by a convenience store and purchased all sorts of junk food before heading back to the car.
Exchanging only a few essential words, they shared the food while Naruto drove for a long time, heading to nowhere in particular it seemed. Night was already upon them, but time seemed to have stopped entirely. Sometimes, Naruto's hand would rest on Sasuke's seat, near his thigh, but never close enough to actually touch.
At one point Naruto asked for a cigarette, and Sasuke fished one out from his own pack, brought it to his own lips and lit it before finally giving it to Naruto. The reason why he did this was so that he could see what Naruto would do. Would Naruto turn it down because Sasuke had purposefully put the cigarette in his mouth, or would he accept it? Two weeks ago, Sasuke would've known the answer, but right now, he had no idea if his friend was really going to add yet another strain to the tension and distance between them.
To Sasuke's relief – or surprise, he wasn't really sure – Naruto silently accepted the cigarette and actually smoked it. It had been nothing more than a test, and Sasuke thought that he was ready for whichever result that came out of it, but actually seeing Naruto put his mouth somewhere where Sasuke's own mouth had been, had been quite the visual shock, and quite the unexpected turn on, as well. Still, it managed to make him feel a bit less trapped in the middle of all of it, because Naruto had actually let him in just a little bit.
He couldn't point the exact moment the atmosphere started to change again, he only knew that they had stopped talking entirely and that Naruto seemed suddenly on edge. His hands seemed to be gripping the steering wheel as if they meant to break it, his shoulders tense and his eyebrows heavily furrowed as he stared at the road unblinkingly. Sasuke eyed him a bit hesitantly but didn't dare to ask what was wrong, not because he was afraid Naruto might snap at him – oh, how he wanted Naruto to just do something and react in some way – but because he wasn't sure if the other male would even know how to drive if he did snap, so Sasuke just leant on the door and rested his head against the window, absently gazing at the landscape outside but not really seeing it.
After a while, Naruto stopped the car at some deserted parking lot Sasuke had never seen, but that was clearly some sort of tourist must see spot because it had a gazebo up ahead that, apparently, offered a wonderful view to the city down below.
Naruto switched off the ignition, unbuckled his seat belt and got out of the car, slamming the door shut without saying another word. Safe from a few street lamps, it was pretty dark, so Sasuke couldn't quite catch where Naruto had headed off to. With a sigh, he debated on whether to follow Naruto in case he was feeling ill or something, or if he should let him beso he could have some time alone with his thoughts. He didn't think too much, though, quickly opening the door and getting out of the car. Just as he was about to close it, he felt himself being quickly maneuvered so that he was being turned around. Gasping, he vaguely heard the door being closed before he was being roughly pushed against it, not hard enough to hurt, but definite enough to knock the wind off him.
Hands were slammed over the surface of the car on either side of his shoulders and then, all he could see was Naruto in front of him, impossibly close and looking absolutely feral and about to commit bloody murder, his blue eyes almost luminescent in the dark.
"Naruto, don't!" Sasuke pleaded, on reflex alone, Sasuke pressing his hands to Naruto's chest, as if to stop him for doing anything else.
Moved by the sudden rush of panic and adrenaline, not really knowing what was going to happen, that was all Sasuke could think about saying. His whole body was shivering in shock and awe at the sudden turn of events. Naruto wasn't even touching him at all, but he could feel the blonde's body trembling slightly, his breath raged against Sasuke's opened mouth.
Naruto looked angry like Sasuke had never imagined he could. "Don't what, Sasuke?" he snapped, frowning deeply. "What exactly is it that you don't want me to do?"
Sasuke had no idea how to answer that, because he didn't know what Naruto had been about to do, or if he even had been about to do something at all.
Don't hit me? Don't kiss me? Don't stop if you're thinking about kissing me? Maybe all three of these or neither of them, Sasuke didn't know. All he did know was that Naruto's closeness after so long of being distant was something that both excited and freaked the living hell out of him. It felt weird, right and wrong at the same time, and it wasn't like he was exactly scared – in fact, he had no idea how he felt, but he was aware that the air was almost suffocating.
"I don't know!" Sasuke snapped back with confused honesty. "Just… whatever it is that you're thinking about doing, don't. Not like this."
Naruto's heartbeat was as powerful as Sasuke's underneath the Uchiha's palm, and it affected him in ways he didn't think possible, so he closed his fingers around the fabric of Naruto's blue sweater, locking eyes with Naruto's wild ones as an intense heat consumed him from head to toe at the same time that ice seemed to chill his spine.
Blue eyes scrutinized him for a moment before the ferociousness left them to be replaced with an almost innocent and heartbreaking helplessness.
"Damn you," he hissed, between clenched teeth. Then, he let his head fall forward – making Sasuke's heart stop for just a second in restless anticipation in the process – but ended up simply pressing his forehead against Sasuke's, releasing a shaky breath. "You drive me crazy," he added, almost inaudibly. "Fuck…"
Many things ran through Sasuke's head just then as he willed himself to calm down, which was a hard enough feat considering he had the object of his most recent attention right in front of him, their faces so close he knew he only had to tilt his head up a bit if he wanted them to kiss. Not that Naruto's body language was inviting him to do so, not like that day at the park, but the thought still crossed Sasuke's mind. For a fleeting moment of madness, he almost did it, but what little rationality his brain possessed knew that Naruto was upset and that, just as Sasuke himself had said, nothing like that should be happening like this.
Instead, seeking some form of comfort and relief from those agonizing weeks, Sasuke let go of Naruto's sweater and snaked his arms around his waist, underneath his opened jacket, and yanked him close none-too-gently, the action forcing their chests to collide and Naruto to release a noise of surprise. He must've thought Sasuke was going to do something because he turned his face to the side so that their mouths wouldn't be so dangerously close to touching, but Sasuke didn't hesitate in using the new opportunity to bury his face in the curve of Naruto's neck. The body in his arms was unfamiliar but hard and strong against his. It tensed up when Sasuke inhaled the scent he had been so used to but had missed, but the hesitance lasted for less than five seconds before warm arms were being wrapped around his neck, pulling him impossibly close, one hand burying itself in the black strands at the back of his head. Sasuke could feel Naruto's lips being pressed to his temple, gentle but desperate. He sighed at the sensation, his body finding a weird sort of relaxation in how unfathomably good it felt to be held with the same need he felt.
And then, it was all over and Sasuke found himself with his arms stretched, empty, and his body cold as Naruto took several steps backwards. The blonde was shaking his head from side to side while staring at Sasuke with wide eyes as if he was some kind of abomination, his face a deadly shade of grey.
Worry shadowed Sasuke's confusion and frustration. "Naruto?" he asked, taking a cautious step forward. "What…" But Naruto had lifted a hand to stop him from saying anything else, so Sasuke closed his mouth and remained where he was.
At this point, the blonde looked more pained and tired than anything else, and it made Sasuke's heart sink.
"Listen," he said, with hurried restlessness. "This is not who I am, Sasuke. I'm the kind of person who fights for what he wants. When I have something to say, I say it, no matter the consequences. That's me. I have never stopped being myself for anyone, and I did it for you, because my respect for you is more valuable to me than what I want."
Barely blinking, Sasuke stared, unsure of what to feel, how - or if – he was supposed to reply to that. However, it seemed that Naruto wasn't even close to being finished.
"But it's killing me," Naruto proceeded, all in one go. "I can't deal with this anymore, I feel like I'm about to explode because I have all these feelings pilling up inside of me that I want to let out, and I know I shouldn't, but I have to because I'm so fucking tired, Sasuke, and we're hurting each other ..." He took a deep breath. "I don't want to hurt you..."
Looking at Naruto, Sasuke knew that listening to whatever it was that he had to say – and he had a good idea about what it was – would somehow be decisive to the status of their relationship as it was. He knew that things had to be discussed, knew that, for the balance to be restored, they couldn't pretend forever, and yet, his racing mind was just realizing how much it would change things between them. If for better or worse, he didn't know, but it was intimidating, and even though he had rehearsed a (calm and civilized) conversation between them over and over again in his mind, he didn't exactly expect things to turn out like this.
"Naruto..."
"No," Naruto interrupted him again, almost pleadingly. "You can ignore it afterwards if you want, but I have to tell you... please."
Biting his lower lip hesitantly, Sasuke slowly nodded. He watched as Naruto's eyes brightened up in relief as he took a deep breath.
"I like you," he said, and it was claimed with such conviction it blew Sasuke away, his eyes becoming wide as he started into Naruto's serious ones. "I like you so much I don't know what to do with myself. I liked you from the moment I saw you lurking around those halls, and I liked you even more after I met you, even though you're sometimes difficult and the complete opposite of me."
Sasuke took a sharp intake of breath when Naruto offered him a tiny, but genuine smile while he hopped from one foot to the other restlessly.
"I like the way you smile and even your almost cruel honesty," he proceeded. "I like it that you close yourself to everyone but open up only to me. I don't like guys, Sasuke. I wanted us to be friends. I never expected to someday be talking to you like we usually did and all of a sudden thinking, 'fuck, this person is gorgeous'. Not just on the outside, because, look at you, you're stunning, but… to me, for me, you have turned into someone amazing."
Sasuke's legs threatened to give out, so he leaned his back on the door of the car, his hands sweating even though the night air was chilly.
"I freaked out," Naruto admitted, with a helpless shrug, now scratching this head anxiously. "Not because you're a guy, but because you're married and I'm not. I'm not afraid of liking another man, even though I have no idea what it's like, but I know that it's wrong to pursue someone that's already been taken. So I tried to ignore it. I was scared that I might lose you if you figured out how I felt. But you were… you always made me feel so… unique. I'm not blaming it on you, I'm just saying that I felt like I was special to you, who never seemed to like anyone else.
"I never meant to flirt with you." The blonde's voice lowered in regret. "I wanted to, but I knew I shouldn't, so I fought not to. When I first did, I acted on impulse and curiosity to see how you'd react. You always seemed so comfortable around me… and then you went along with it and I couldn't help but wonder if you felt the same way, somehow." He crossed his arms over his chest, as if only now feeling the cold. "I told myself that it didn't matter even if you did but… when you like someone you want to be close to them. You want to touch them and say nice things to them and… you just want everything; anything. And I wanted that from you. I still do."
Sasuke found it hard to keep his breathing steady when there was so much sadness and longing in Naruto's eyes. No-one had ever said such things to him, not even when he was younger and girls threw themselves at his feet. It was like those were hit some deep spot inside of him he had never known existed, and there was so much genuine emotion and honesty in them Sasuke didn't even think about contesting him.
"I'm sorry," Naruto whispered. "If I hadn't pushed your buttons, if I had kept my hands to myself, you'd probably never have allowed yourself to get carried away."
A strong gush of wind ruffled his messy air and huffed as he closed his eyes, seeming to take some comfort in it. When he reopened them, that confident seriousness was there again. For some strange reason, Sasuke thought he looked peculiarly beautiful.
"I'm not confused;" Naruto said, with conviction. "I know how I feel about you, but I don't know what to do. I've never felt this way for another person in my life, let alone a guy, or even someone I've just met. It may sound weird, but… I can feel you, your feelings… I can feel that this is not my imagination… I tried to ignore it, for both our sakes, but I can't do it anymore. Not when you look at me the way you do, not when you seem to be in pain. I don't want to lose you, Sasuke, but I… I want you." He bit his lower lip, his eyes never leaving Sasuke's. "Being next to you, touching you… Sasuke, that's when I'm the happiest; that's when I feel like I finally belong somewhere. That night in the park I wanted you to kiss me and you almost did, didn't you?"
With his mouth dry and his heart beating violently inside his chest, Sasuke watched as his friend took a single cautious step forward towards him, saying "I can't be imagining it, not when you're looking at me like that right now."
While, before, Naruto had meant to pour his heart out so that Sasuke could listen, now he was clearly waiting for him to say something, because he was very still in his spot, still way too distanced from the other, looking expectant.
Surprised at himself, Sasuke realized that he didn't want to run away, even if his instincts told him to recoil, to lie and say something, anything to contradict Naruto's very accurate assumption of his feelings. If he lied, if he said that the almost-kiss had been nothing but a spur of the moment thing…
But he didn't want to, even though he knew he should. Whether he was honest or not, nothing would, could change between them, and still, something inside of Sasuke wanted Naruto to know. Maybe he was being selfish, but he needed Naruto to know.
"You're not imagining it," Sasuke whispered, his voice steadier than he had expected it to be. "I was going to kiss you if Karin hadn't called, and maybe I was a little tipsy, but I wanted to, because you… I was drawn to you from the very start. I don't think any of this was ever one-sided, Naruto."
Sasuke's confession was shot and dull compared to Naruto's, but he seemed to get the message across just fine, because the blonde's eyes became almost comically wide, as if, in spite of his confidence on his knowledge of Sasuke's feelings, he hadn't expected for him to be so straightforward about it.
"Oh…" Naruto breathed out shakily. "Fuck… I think I need to sit down."
Before Sasuke could do anything, Naruto had already collapsed on the stony ground, sitting with his legs pulled to his chest, arms resting over his knees and his face buried in them. He seemed completely worn out, and it tore at Sasuke's very soul for some reason, even if he knew it wasn't his fault. Those words being confessed to one another were something amazing, but it wasn't like they were in a situation where they could simply take the time to enjoy it. It was apparently only sinking in, in Naruto's brain right now, just how complicated things were.
Sasuke couldn't really wrap his own mind around what Naruto had just said to him, but apparently he cared to a degree that was a little foreign and devastating to Sasuke. He wondered if the reason why he felt so heartbroken all of a sudden was because he cared just as much.
Heaving a long, tired sigh, Sasuke made his way to Naruto and stopped before crouching down in front of him. Moved by instinct alone, he placed one hand over Naruto's elbow for balance and another over his head, gently caressing the untamable locks. After a while, and without removing his hand, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to the spot he had just touched, making Naruto tense up. When he felt him move, Sasuke leaned back slightly so Naruto could lift his head up. Their noses were touching as they looked at each other in silence, and even though there was still that strong, undeniable pull between them, it somehow felt less strained than before, even more intimate if that was possible.
"You know," Naruto whispered gently, his breath fanning over Sasuke's lips. "I quit smoking a couple of years ago, actually. But when I saw that you smoked, I kind of felt that it was something that we could share."
Sasuke didn't know if he should smile or frown, so he kind of ended up doing both.
"That's… pretty stupid," he whispered back.
"I know," Naruto agreed, giving a half-hearted chuckle. As Sasuke proceeded with his ministrations on his hair, he sensed Naruto relaxing, basking in the action. "What are we going to do, Sasuke?"
Never in his life would Sasuke ever guess that he'd feel so absolutely complete and empty at the same time. Touching Naruto, being near him like this… just as his friend had said, it made him feel happy, and it seemed so natural, so relieving after those weeks when it had seemed like they had been miles away from each other. But…
There was always a 'but', and Naruto knew it, too. What other reason could there be for them to not be all over each other by now?
"What is there to do?" Sasuke muttered. Naruto shifted one of his arms. Very still, Sasuke waited for the inevitable touch, and true enough, it didn't take long for cold fingers to brush over his cheek.
"I could think of a couple of things," Naruto said with clear meaning behind his words.
Sasuke's heart did a funny jump, and he all but leaned on the touch. "So can I…" he mumbled, before moving away a bit so he could look into Naruto's attentive and oh-so emotional eyes, the hand touching him following the movement. "Naruto, I'm married."
It wasn't like Naruto looked hurt by this, because he had to know that it was coming, but he didn't seem less devastated either.
"I know that," the blond said, with a firm nod, absently touching Sasuke's ear and rubbing the lobe with gentleness. "I may be in love with you, but I'd never tell you to get a divorce, or even cheat on your wife. That's wrong, and I know we barely know each other, so I can't possible tell you what to do."
Sasuke would be lying to himself if he didn't admit that Naruto bluntly confessing to be 'in love' with him didn't surprise him. It was one thing for them to be attracted to each other and liking each other, but being in love seemed like such an overstatement right then. How could Naruto say that and mention they barely knew each other in the same sentence?
And that was not all. He never pegged Naruto for a dishonest guy, but at the same time, Sasuke had expected him to ask and want things from him now that their mutual interest was out on the open, and now he was saying that he wouldn't do it?
And why was Sasuke feeling upset about this when he had been the one to throw his marriage to the scene, practically cutting off any other chances of them being anything more than friends?
The strangest feeling took over him just then. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he had acknowledged their feelings but had also automatically accepted that there was nothing to be done about it. Apparently, though, his subconscious had wanted Naruto to fight him and find alternatives.
"Why not?" Sasuke inquired, probably a bit more aggressively than he had intended, very aware of how childish he sounded. "You could, you know. Just tell me what you want from me."
Naruto's eyebrows disappeared underneath his fringe at that.
"I already said that I want you," he replied, for some reason smirking slightly, his hand falling from Sasuke's face to tug at the zipper of his jacket. "But I'm not willing to be the second best in your life, Sasuke. I want you with me, for real."
Sasuke's chin fell at that. "That's all?" he asked.
"What do you want me to say?" Naruto inquired, now frowning. "You want me to tell you to cheat on your wife? To drop everything you've built? For me?"
No, that wasn't what Sasuke wanted at all. Or maybe it was did? He never meant to do anything with Naruto behind Karin's back, but at the same time, maybe he had expected Naruto to… simply want more from him. Maybe Sasuke was just looking for an excuse to do something he wanted to do, but didn't want to do at the same time.
"I don't know what I want," Sasuke admitted, genuinely confused with himself. "I just… I'm having all these thoughts I didn't have before, this is not going the way I imagined it would, and now I'm… I don't know how to feel."
Naruto gave him another smile, almost reassuring. "You can't have everything; life is made of choices," he said simply, even though, clearly, there was something in his expression that seemed to struggle with his resolution. "Do you want to cheat on your wife, Sasuke?"
Biting his lip, the Uchiha examined Naruto's features, quickly thinking things through in his messy head.
Did he want to do something about his relationship with Naruto and change it for the better? There was no doubt about it. Just being this close to the other brought up all sorts of feelings and urges he didn't even know he could possibly possess towards another person, and it was all so crazy how he didn't feel intimidated by the fact that Naruto was a man.
Did he want to do that to Karin? Did he even have a reason to feel like he should do it?
No. His current feelings had absolutely nothing to do with his marriage. Nothing in his life had led him to this. It wasn't like he had ever felt unaccomplished or in need of another person's affection while with Karin. It wasn't like he felt that something was missing, and yet, the way he felt towards Karin and the way he felt for Naruto were distinctly different. Why, Sasuke didn't know. Was it because he loved Karin but was sexually attracted to Naruto? That somehow didn't sound wrong, but it didn't sound right either. It wasn't just Naruto's body he liked, there was definitely some kind of intellectual bond there as well, but it was still different from what he felt for his wife.
Was he even in love with Naruto? Was Naruto really in love with him or was he simply misunderstanding his feelings just like Sasuke was?
Karin didn't deserve it. In spite of Sasuke wanting Naruto so badly his skin seemed to tingle with the need, could he really do it and live with it afterwards? Could he keep it from Karin or would it consume him?
"No…" he whispered, the realization shocking even to him. "I have no reason to."
Naruto nodded, ever the understanding man, and firmly zipped up Sasuke's jacket almost playfully. Then, he swiftly got up while Sasuke looked up at him, feeling so unbearably overrun with emotions it seemed unfair that this fact seemed to have lightened up Naruto's mood.
"Then you're going to have to think about us and think about what you want," Naruto affirmed, ruffling Sasuke's hair affectionately. "I can't possibly tell you what to do, and I don't want to be responsible for ruining someone's life."
He then extended his hand, which Sasuke took, and helped the dark-haired done to his feet.
"Whatever you choose to do, I will accept it," he proceeded calmly and confidently once they stood in front of each other. "It's okay, you don't have to give me an answer today, tomorrow or even a week from now. Just think about it, and think really hard. That's all I ask."
Naruto's hand made a move to let go of Sasuke's, but Sasuke grabbed it securely in his. "I want you, too," he said, through clenched teeth, looking into Naruto's eyes that looked at him so calmly and understandingly, so full of things that were left to say Sasuke almost felt like looking away it was too much for him. "I really do, Naruto."
"I know," the blond acknowledged, before sighing tiredly. "Come on, let's head back. I'll drive you home, if that's okay with you. It's getting kind of late."
Prying his hand free from Sasuke's, he shoved both his hands inside his pockets and turned around, heading towards the car without another word.
Sasuke stared at his retreating back in an almost dream-like state, unsure of how to feel or what to do. Eventually, he let his feet automatically drag him to the car.
000
Sasuke convinced himself that it was okay to seek Naruto's hand during the drive to his apartment. He had briefly considered if it was a good idea to show Naruto where he lived, but somehow, he just knew that his friend wouldn't use the knowledge to do anything to harm him or his relationship with Karin – he had said so himself.
Naruto had accepted the hand, silently intertwining their fingers together and resting their joined hands over his thigh casually. Once in a while, one of them would risk running a thumb through the other's fingers, and it reminded Sasuke of that fateful night where everything had changed at the beer parlor. It disconcerted him how that awkwardness seemed to have vanished for some reason, even if things were far from being fixed between them.
They arrived at their destination far too quickly, or at least it felt like it to Sasuke. He didn't understand his both wanting desperately to leave and to stay in that car for the rest of the night, even if just to hold hands.
But he had to go, he knew it. They were both physically and emotionally exhausted and being near each other wouldn't help them in any way.
When Sasuke unbuckled his seatbelt Naruto, as usually, offered him one of his beautiful and heartfelt smiles so, as he often found himself doing when around the other, Sasuke acted on instinct, twisting his body in his seat and leaning forward. He was aware of Naruto's attentive eyes on his every move, his body language very placid, completely trusting – a trust Sasuke didn't feel like breaking, for both their sakes.
But still, they had been apart for far too long, and there was only so much he could take, so Sasuke didn't hesitate in leaning in and pressing his lips to Naruto's soft scarred cheek, letting them linger there for a bit before pulling slightly away and watching the other's reaction.
Naruto's blue eyes didn't reveal surprise or distaste; instead, he just kept smiling softly, fingers reaching out to pull lightly at one of Sasuke's bangs before saying, "Good night, Sasuke. Have a nice weekend."
Not really knowing what else to say, or do, Sasuke licked his lips – unintentionally catching in his tongue the distinct flavor of Naruto's skin – and moved away.
"You, too, Naruto," was all he said, before grabbing for his things and getting out of the car, dreading the restless weekend ahead of him.
TBC…
Ttracee: Yeah, Sasuke's head is a mess right now. He's feeling so many different emotions he doesn't know what to do, or what he wants at this point. I feel sorry for him, because (as we can see on this chapter), Naruto finds it a lot easier to come to terms with his own feelings and what he wants. Thank you for commenting!
Fireflyingfox: Aw, thank you so much! I'm so happy that you like the story! I hope this chapter has pleased you ;)
XYZ: Thank you so much for kind words, and welcome to the story! I try to portray feelings as realistically as I possibly can, so hopefully it's working out. Thank you for reading ;)
I know. Confusing, right? Bah, Sasuke kills me.
Little spoiler for next chapter: Karin makes an appearance and Sasuke needs to tell someone about everything happening.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting! You guys make my day :D
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