What if?

I couldn't recall a time in my life where I'd ever fell so hard. Not physically considering there had been plenty of times in my life of that. When I was with Ryan I couldn't recall feeling anything but lust, and being so enraptured by this new thing of sex, and danger. And I thought I loved him. I truly did. It was nothing but blind lust.

Before Ryan I'd had plenty of crushes, mostly characters from the books I'd read as a child. The old fashion men who were polite, compassionate, and gentlemen, oh and did I mention fictional? Looking back at those I have no clue how I ever even tolerated Ryan. Part of me knows it was because I was sick of the labels everyone in Arizona had given me from such a young age. Shy, goody-two shoes, weirdo, and even lame. I wanted to stray away from those thoughts people had perceived about me despite being true. So given the opportunity I took it and morphed into a person I could never recognize today. I became selfish, naive, and careless. These were all the things I never hoped for my daughter.

But I couldn't lie and say all of it was bad, there were good times. We were sober some of the time as well. Ryan took me and Hayley out for Valentine's day, granted it was only to the local Applebee's we still had fun. I didn't mind that his sister tagged along, we were best friends after all That's one of the only memories that's absolutely clear, I can remember every detail without hesitation. Most of the others are fogged from being in a haze. Those are the ones I see so unclearly, only bits and pieces of the nights.

The other memory I can recall perfectly is the night we conceived our daughter. It was a Saturday night in June. School had just got done with, we were celebrating the fact that Hayley and I were now considered upperclassman and Ryan would be a senior in the fall. The abuse was somewhere in the middle, it wasn't at its worse quite yet. I was still making up excuses for him. "He was just mad" and "It didn't even hurt" were some of the excuses I made for myself. Anyways, we had been celebrating at Becky Anderson's house since her parents were on vacation in the Hampton's. Most the night I avoided Ryan, and just did shots with my friends. I wanted to start off the summer good and with my friends forgetting about my shitty relationship. It was three in the morning when he found me sitting by the pool dipping my feet in just staring out into the distance. I can even recall what I was thinking a that exact moment when he came to get me. I thought about how much I'd like to get away from Arizona, just run away without ever looking back. Run far far away where Ryan, my mom, dad, the cops could ever find me. Just start over. I was disrupted when he grabbed my arm pulling me up away from the warm water.

"Ryan! Stop, there are people around!" I yelled to him as he began trailing kisses down my neck.

He laughed, making it obvious that while my high had worn off his was at it's highest. "Come on baby, everybody's in their own little worlds right now. And you know you're mine right?"

Not wanting to upset him I sighed. "Of course, Ryan."

"Becks has a spare room, she said we could have it. Let's go to bed." And he dragged me upstairs, I went willingly. But mostly I felt like a robot, going through the motions.

That was the last time we had sex that summer. He spent the next few weeks going out with his friends, practically ignoring me. I however didn't mind. I found myself plotting ways to run away, break up with him. In the few weeks we had that minor break I started to see the old Bella coming out again. I read books, and listened to music that actually made me feel something other than on top of the world and high. He of course would show up in the middle of the night, drunk or on something just to make sure I knew I was still his. As if I were a piece of property. Then I found out I was about six weeks pregnant. And everything changed.

Once again I find everything in my life upside down and changing. I was falling for Edward Cullen. I didn't know if it was now because I knew secrets he only shared between he and his family, or it was just what it was. I couldn't stop myself from smiling whenever I thought about his crooked smile, or the way his eyes squinted whenever he would laugh. Maybe, just maybe, it was because I knew this man…err should I say Vampire, would never ever hurt me the ways a mere human had managed to.

Edward was everything Ryan wasn't. It was funny how things worked out in life. The one thing I'm supposed to be afraid of in life was someone I could never ever fear and someone who was supposed to be so similar to I, was the one thing I would always fear.

I threw on the pale blue t-shirt over my protruding belly I went over to the window, awaiting Edward's arrival. I gently rubbed my growing bump, I was now 20 weeks along. Half way through my pregnancy. It didn't seem like I was already that far, yet it still seemed like meeting my daughter was so far away.

There was a lot to think about, even more so than before. I know allowed myself to feel the depth of my feelings for Edward which despite making my life better it made it a hundred times more complicated. I was pregnant with another man's child. How much more complicated could it get?

Glancing away for just a moment to stare at the rocking chair in the corner I thought of all the happiness and sleepless nights my little girl would bring me. I knew it was going to be hard but I knew I could handle it. This baby was my savior, and somehow Forks had as well. When I looked back out the window Edward was there with his shiny silver Volvo, standing outside looking up at me wearing his sunglasses and a smile.

I couldn't help but feel a little more nervous as we got closer to school. If anything people would be staring just as much as they did my first day, if anything more now that they personally knew me.

Just as luck would have it, everyone seemed to be standing right there getting a front row seat. Sighing I looked over to Edward who seemed to find all the attention humorous. "Ready now or never? Right?"

Taking my hand in his extremely cold one he placed a gentle kiss upon it. Suddenly my nerves melted all away. This was a piece of cake.

Before I could even open the door Edward was opening it for me, taking my hand again. Everyone's eyes were all on us, scanning every part of us over. Especially our intertwined hands. Yet I couldn't find a care in the world as we walked towards the woods.

I still had so many questions about the life he and his family had lived, and for some reason he too was eager to learn about my life. I couldn't complain, we were spending time together and that's all that matters.

We didn't wander far from the school grounds considering I was tired after walking for five minutes. Instead we settled under a tree outlooking the forest, still gorgeous.

"So it was Carlisle who turned you?" I questioned wanting to know more.

Nodding he began to tell his story. "Yes, it was 1918 in Chicago. The Spanish Influenza was sweeping the nation, it killed both my parents. Carlisle found me and had been contemplating changing someone for a while. When he came across my family, my mom begged him to save me. I guess she just knew he was special. He'd been lonely and saw it as a perfect opportunity."

I envisioned Edward in the early 1900's, laying sickly in a hospital bed. "Did it hurt?"

"It's the most excruciating thing I think anyone could ever experience. I don't remember much from my days as human but the transformation is vivid in my mind. It feels as if you're entire body is on fire, except there's no end. It just continues until it just stops, along with your heart. Even though it's just three days, it feels like eternity."

Shuddering I sighed looking out into the distance. I couldn't imagine, here I was afraid of labor. "And the rest of your family?"

Edward smiled thinking of them all. It was easy to tell despite the lack of biology tying them together they were closer than most families. "Esme came after me, then Rose. She found Emmett, and a while after Alice and Jazz found us."

"They found you?" I wondered the story behind that. There surely had to be tons considering how long they'd all been alive.

Explaining it, Edward referenced back to the night we met in Port Angeles. "Remember how I told you I could read minds?" I nodded and he continued. "Well, I'm not the only one in my family whose gifted. Jasper can influence and read people's emotions. And Alice can see the future, based solely on people's choices."

"She saw me coming."

I said more than asking, yet he still gave me an answer. "Yes, she also saw you buying a pink blanket."

Laughing I remembered the first day I had been introduced to the rest of the family. "Never bet against Alice."

"Never." We paused for a moment just letting the silence surround us, in a comforting way. The air just seemed heavier before he opened his mouth again. "Alice saw you make your choice to come here, but not why."

Biting my lip I looked down, and started to stall. "And I'm assuming that means you want me to talk about it."

With a worried look on his face he grabbed my hands again. "If you're uncomfortable with this Bella you don't have to talk about it."

"No, you told me a little about you it's only fair." I sighed thinking about where to start. Did I start from the absolute beginning? "All my life I'd been a loser, that was how people saw me, and I started to see myself that way. Then I met Hayley, she didn't know I was a loser yet. So I made sure to become her friend, and we did. She had a brother, Ryan who was a little older and popular. He took us to parties, where we eventually got together. I felt pressured, he noticed me. He was the first time to notice me. And it was fun in the beginning. You've gotta understand I wasn't myself at that time. I'm not this person anymore. Honestly, I don't even know if that was me. I drank all the time, I was mean and just didn't care. But after a while it got old, doing the same thing and waking up not remembering whose house I was at. Towards the end Ryan started hitting me, it was small but obviously it hurt. The hitting turned into pushing and shoving, and I was scared. My breaking point wasn't the time he threw me down a set of stairs, it was when I found out I was pregnant. I can't even describe to you how scared I was. You know I almost got an abortion?" I had no clue why I was opening up to him so much. Not even my mom knew how I felt. "I think I wanted one because I was scared that'd he'd do the same to our child, I was afraid he'd kill us. But I just felt so guilty the night before I just couldn't do it. It makes you have a new found respect for the women who choose that for themselves. Abortion just wasn't for me. So I got my life together, I threw away all the bottles of alcohol and told my mom. I decided that I wasn't going to let him hurt us anymore. I am so thankful for her, you know? A lot of people see this as a curse, but if anything she's my greatest blessing."

He didn't speak, which made me nervous. Had I said too much? I mean I had been talking for a really long time. "Bella, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I don't need Jasper to tell me that. If anything you should be proud of how far you've come. A lot of people don't recover from things like that." Pulling me towards him he rubbed his hand in comforting circles on my back. "You also need to know, that monster will never lay his hands on you again. You never have to feel so scared again. Do you understand?"

"You make me feel safe."