What main road is closest to you

Part VII: Beadle Bamford

Would you sleep with your neighbor?
As I like to say, I'm always glad to oblige my friends and neighbors. Oh, and it helps that Turpin lives in my subdivision.

What describes your relationship status?
The word 'swinger' comes to mind.

Where are you?
Turpin's office, I stopped over to come pick up my jacket and ended up doing this.

What's the last show you've seen?
I got to be the judge of the competition between Mr. Todd and that Pirelli fellow.

Do you live with your parents?
No way, I'm completely self-sufficient. Which is why I have my own house that I'm never at.

What is your middle name?
Maria Julio Ivan.

Who have you talked to most today?
Well, Johanna was telling me about this Invisalign stuff, apparently it works wonders for your teeth…

Do you carve pumpkins every year?
I enter the contest every Halloween! Last year my carving of Venus de Milo won second! (squeal)

Color of your underwear?
Who says I was wearing any?

Color of your shirt?
I'm wearing like three ever since Johanna taught me how to layer, but my first one's white.

How many years have you taken a language?
I speak British and English!

Good advice if you ever go camping?
Make sure the zipper's on there good. And don't forget to bring marshmallows, or none of it's worth it.

Are you a bad influence?
I'm a role model for Londoners everywhere!

Do you enjoy Diet Rockstars?
Well, that would imply that I felt the need to watch my figure—and we all know that's not the case, seeing how I look so good in my leopard underwear.

Rather have your name or your siblings?
Considering my only sister's name is Hortense, I think I'll stick with my name that I still haven't told you.


Would you do anything for someone else?
Depends on who it is…and if it's who I think it is, anything. Even the stuff in the very back of the Kama Sutra.

Favorite colors?
Yellow! It reminds me of delicious cheese.

Do you like cookies?
Oh, yeah! I eat them all the time when I'm alone.

What song is on?
Some carolers are outside singing…hang on, I'll go throw the fireplace poker at them.

Are your grades good?
School is for people with no money!

Do you ever think people hate you for filling this out?

No one can hate me for anything—I'm too loveable!

What would you do if the person you loved moved across the world?
Silly, he's the one who sends people across the world.

Whose house did you visit last?
Well, that's a pretty redundant question.


Last time you went out to lunch?
I went to that pie shop the other day. I don't know when they suddenly got good at baking there, but man!

What is to the right of you?
A bookshelf full of erotic literature and Dr. Seuss.

Who and what thing(s) do you hate?
I really wish Turpin would stop wasting his time on Johanna. Hello! Ain't gonna happen.


Do you have any Britney Spears CDs?
I don't know what you're talking about…

Are you a Scrubs fanatic?
I use a loofah when I bathe, if that's what you mean…

Do you have a girlfriend?

Uh, no! I can't remember a time I ever had one, because they all got so intimidated when I approached them.

Do you read trashy romance novels often?
Why do you think I'm over here all the time?

Favorite Starbucks drink?
What's a Starbucks? Is that that new tavern that just opened?

Do you sing obnoxiously outside?
If I did, would I have all these solos? Please. I've got the voice of a non-obnoxious angel who sounds like Elvis.

Do you ever sing obnoxiously in the shower?
That's when I sound the best! If you don't believe me…well, you know where my house is. (wink)

Have you ever pretended your crush was with you?
What? No! Why would you think that? Don't make me convict you!

Would you rather freeze to death or burn to death?
For some reason, I always thought it glamorous to die by having your throat cut open by some madman. But that'll never happen. I'll probably die of being too gorgeous or something.

Favorite eye color on the opposite sex?
As long as they're looking at me, who cares?

Are your friends clean?
Of the mind? Sorry, no. But his house is pretty well-kept since he got that mail-order maid.

Give up friends for money?
Sorry. Can't buy me love. (huge smile)


Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization?
You got the freak part right, but not really about either of those things.

Have you ever been to South America or Africa?
No, but I got to help Turpin decide to deport people there.

Do you know how to knit?
I learned a little from Johanna and ended up making my own hat. Then she made me leave.

Have you ever written love song lyrics yourself?
Sure! Want to hear them?

Do you swear?
Sometimes I think it makes me sound manly.

When you open your closet, what is the dominant color?
Posters of—I mean, gray.

Baskin Robbins or Coldstone?
Are those bars too? Where are they, it sounds like they've got great booze.

Physics or chemistry?
Biology. (wink)

Ever been cheated on?
No one would dare, for I'm the greatest catch.

Who was the last person you yelled at?
Turpin, he was being stupid about trying to get with Johanna. Okay, what's it gonna take for him to realize she's not interested? Do I need to put on a blonde wig to get some attention around here?


R-rated or G-rated movies?

Okay, look at me and tell me you don't really want to know the answer.

Walk or run?
I have a distinct walk. I feel that running takes away from the elegance of my look.

Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars?
Those are drinks, right? Hmm. Star Wars sounds like it might be interesting. What'd that be, tequila mixed with some kind of chocolate?

Road trip or fly?
Road trip! Sleep in the van!

Batman, Spiderman, or Superman?
Ah, more drinks. Hmm. I'd be more inclined to order a Superman.

What is your favorite Disney movie?
Aladdin. It's so exotic! And I love Jasmine's outfit. I'm having one special-ordered sometime next week.

Ever been skinny dipping?
Heh. That's the story of my life.

How's your hair?
Newly permed, thank you.

Bug or insects?
Ewwww! I faint at the sight of them!

Would you rather eat sushi or escargot?
I eat everything, so I would probably do both.

Do you ever want to get married?
Wishful thinking, sadly. I'm afraid of too much commitment, and besides, all the eligible ladies would be heartbroken.

Have you ever been with someone who didn't treat you right?
(meaningful nod toward bedroom) He acts like I'm just some lackey who hasn't got feelings!

Why did you take this survey?
Because some of this needed to be said! I needed to vent, okay?