Danny Phantom: Fanning the Flames Remix Presents:
Filler Theater: Onsen Etiquette
By Kairi Taylor (Who makes NO APOLOGIES for the insipidness you will now endure!)
Originally, this Filler Theater chapter was created as I was doing Chapter 4 on the sides. The only things that you need to know about it are:
A)
It's what we who love anime call 'fan service'
B) It takes
place shortly after Chapter 4
C) It's not meant to be taken too
seriously. Really. Oh, and minor plot details are revealed.
I'm failry certain that despite the PG-13 level of content we are about to have here, the very dedicated female fanbase of Danny Phantom (as well as the 'True Fans') will have my head for this. All I will say to them is: BOX GHOST MADE ME DO IT, IT'S HIS FAULT!!!!
With that said, enjoy…
BONUS CHAPTER! Onsen Etiquette
(We open to find Sam & Star on their way to Prof. York's training hall in his mansion.)
Sam: Wow…I never figured he'd do
something like that.
Star: I know! Tucker just totally went off on
Grandpa. He even helpfully described to him the exact way in which to
insert his Nazi storm trooper helmet into his You Know Where.
Sam:
I suppose even the most lax of personalities can only stand so much
from someone. I don't suppose you…
Star: Saved it on my cell
phone & sent it to my dad soon as it happened. Dad officially
approves of me bringing him to dinner every Saturday from now
on.
Sam: Cool, save the rest of us a copy too.
(The duo enter the training hall where Ember, Dani & Valerie are sitting down & watching Danny & York spar using different melee weapons. Danny is armed with a wooden bokken & York is using a bo staff.)
Star: Wow.
Ember: Wow, indeed. The professor &
Baby Pop there have been at it for at least 45 minutes now.
Valerie:
And the way they're going at it, they won't be stopping anytime
soon.
Sam: And what about you guys? Aren't you training with
them?
Dani: We did. I even suggested we see how Pops could do with
a melee fight.
Ember: And here are the results. (Ember hoists up
her guitar. On the backside is a large slash mark.) Do you know just
how much trouble it is to get these things repaired?
Dani: At
least you can still use your weapon. (Dani holds up her bo staff,
which is broken in half. Valerie's own bokken is in three
pieces.)
Sam: I'll be sure to remind myself never to train with
them in weapons.
Star: Agreed.
(The two continue to spar until they make a final, devastating impact that forces them backwards from one another. York nods and holds up his hands.)
York:
Good, you're improving. We've done enough for today.
Danny: Oh
come on, I was just getting warmed up!
York: Sorry, but you have
other duties to attend to. And besides, I think the others might want
a go at it next.
Ember: Pass!
Valerie: No thanks!
Sam: I'm
good!
Dani: Sure, let me get my nunchuks!
Danny: Oh no, don't
let her get the nunchuks!
York: One hit below the belt and you
label her. I think we'll have to save it for tomorrow though.
Dani:
Why?
Danny: Because we have company.
(On cue, the doors open and a motorcycle, bearing Johnny 13 & Kitty, enter. On said motorcycle is a newly added sidecar.)
Johnny: Yo teach!
York:
You couldn't use the garage?
Johnny: You want the package fast;
you get what you pay for. And we had to make a quick pickup.
(Standing up from out of the sidecar pops out
Youngblood.)
Youngblood: I never thought ghosts could get car
sick.
Sam: Quick question.
Danny: York hired Johnny as a part
time courier between us and the Shinigami.
Johnny: Yeah, those
guys got some pretty sweet digs, kick ass roads too.
Kitty: And
it's a miracle I was able to get him off said roads. Anyway, your
friend Hayate said you would be interested in this. (Kitty hands over
a dusty looking old book.)
York: Ah, indeed I would. Oh,
Youngblood, how's it looking?
Youngblood: The field is stable,
so it looks like we're in the clear. Now can I get what you
promised?
York: Sure, deal's a deal. (York hands over a DS.)
Danny: Say, does anyone know what the heck's going on with
those two.
Ember: Sort of. It's nothing really you need to worry
about.
Danny: You've said that for the past two weeks ever
since York asked me not to go into the Ghost Zone.
Star: Yeah,
it's not like it'd kill you to fill us in on some details every
once in a while.
York: Well, I suppose I could tell you. Come on,
it'll be easier to explain in the onsen.
Johnny: Dude, you have
an ONSEN?! YES!!!
Youngblood: You're a little too happy.
Star:
Wait, back up, how'd you get an onsen?
Ember: I'm so lost
here.
Youngblood & Dani: Ditto.
Valerie: I'll explain.
An onsen is an outdoor or indoor bath, built around a hot spring.
People go there to relax and unwind. It's great for tourists
too.
Youngblood: An outdoor bath? That sounds weird.
Dani:
Totally.
Johnny: Trust me; it has, um, 'extra'
benefits.
Kitty: Oh no you don't! You better curb that libido of
yours.
Danny: This has possibilities. Mostly disaster laded
ones.
(And so, a few minutes later, we join the group at the outdoor onsen that York built. First the guy's side…Danny, Johnny, York & Youngblood all sit at faucets washing up. Youngblood pours shampoo over his head and dips it under the faucet.)
York: Before we get in the bath, we must cleanse our bodies.
Youngblood: Ok, but it kind of defeats the purpose of the bath
water.
Johnny: He's got a point. (Dumps water over his
head.)
Danny: It's a Japanese Zen thing. You know spiritual laws
and such.
Youngblood: Is there anything in Japan that makes
sense?
York: Our western sensibilities are just as foreign to them
as this would be to us.
Youngblood: Still feels odd.
Danny: And
we all kind of needed the bath, especially you Johnny.
Youngblood:
Yeah, I could smell you a mile away.
Johnny: I can't help it. My
bike work keeps me busy.
Danny: I imagine Kitty takes time out to
point out that you stink.
Johnny: A lot. Oh, and dude, stop
glancing!
Danny: What?
Johnny: I know you're 'curious'
but you have to be more subtle about that.
Danny: Hey, it's not
like I want to. I was just…
Johnny: Yeah, I know all guys wonder
about their 'pride'.
Danny: I accidentally got a glimpse of
Dash's 'pride' once in 10th grade. No wonder he's so angry
all the time.
Youngblood: Do you have any idea…
York: As far
as I'm concerned, this part of the conversation is in Elvish. Just
use your imagination if you have any questions.
Youngblood:
Oh…OOHHHHHH. Ok. Man, growing up is weird. And guys, I don't know
if you have noticed, but in the 'pride' category, he has you
beat.
Danny: Uh… (Danny & Johnny quickly glance down and go
pale.)
Johnny: Wow.
Danny: I'm going to do my very best to
forget all of this.
York: Please do. For God's sake,
forget.
(Meanwhile, unknown to the guys, Kitty, with towel wrapped around her body is listening in. The other girls are at their respective faucets, washing up as well.)
Kitty: Men, the
things they get so wrapped up about.
Ember: What are they blabbing
about now, football?
Kitty: Nah, they're comparing.
Valerie:
What, muscles?
Kitty: No but close…apparently, it's
'size'.
Dani: Size of what?
Sam: Come on kiddo, it's not
that hard to think.
Dani: Yikes…
Kitty: And apparently the
teacher has humbled them yet again.
Star: Oh boy, thank God Tucker
isn't here. Not that I haven't thought about it.
Kitty: I am
curious about Danny though.
Star: Oh, we've seen him naked once
before.
Valerie: Oh yeah, I remember that. I couldn't stare him
in the eye for 3 whole days.
Sam: I got it saved in my cell
phone.
Valerie: You too?
Ember & Kitty: Should we ask?
Sam:
Vlad Plasmius and Danny had a bit of a prank war. Vlad made the walls
in the boys locker room intangible.
Kitty: Wow. I remember that.
All I could picture in my head for a whole day was the site of his
butt.
Dani: I still can't believe guys would get so worked up
about…that. It's not like we compare the sizes of our breasts or
anything.
Ember: Well…
Kitty: Now that you mention
it…
(Kitty, Ember, Sam, Dani & Star all look down at their chests & look at Valerie.)
Valerie: HEY! I can't
help it if I'm naturally curvy!
Dani: God, why do some people
have all the luck?
Kitty: Trust me, I know how you feel. (Pats her
on the back.)
(Back at the guys side, the men are in the bath. Johnny has his eyes on the bamboo wall.)
Danny: You're not
gonna…
Johnny: I'm so gonna man!
Danny: They'll kill
you.
Johnny: Technically, I don't really have that problem. And
besides man, we're in an onsen! We just gotta try at least
once.
Danny: I suppose. It wouldn't do any harm to just go
intangible and peep just once…
Johnny: Totally man!
York:
Don't bother. That there bamboo is specially treated. Ghosts can't
go through it from here.
Johnny: You mean…
York: Yup, there's
only one way to peep and it's at the top. And if I were you, I'd
think otherwise.
Johnny: Ah, it couldn't hurt to try. (Johnny
produces a mini camera.) I'll go first.
(Johnny takes a deep breath and slowly floats up. As he reaches the top, unknown to him, he is about to get a most unexpected greeting as he comes eye to eye with Dani…holding Ember's guitar.)
Dani: Hello.
Johnny:
Oh, uh, hey! You wouldn't, would you?
Dani: No, I wouldn't…Kitty
on the other hand… (Dani hands over the guitar to Kitty.)
Johnny:
Please make it quick.
(A few seconds later, Johnny, sans towel and all, is sent face first into the bath, a fresh bruise adorning his forehead.)
York: This reminds me of the time that Jack &
Vlad both tried to peep in on Maddie in the onsen back in Yuurei no
Machi.
Youngblood: What happened then?
York: Left the hospital
in 3 weeks.
Youngblood: Yikes.
Dani: Now try to control
yourselves boys.
Kitty (mocking tone): Especially YOU, Young
Guy!
Youngblood: HEY!!! I'm NOTHING LIKE THESE GOOFS!!
Dani:
Wow!
York: Kid, do you realize you're standing up in the middle
of an onsen arguing with my adopted daughter buck naked?
Youngblood:
Oh…my…God… (Slowly sinks down into the water, red in the
face.)
Danny: You've taken your first major step into puberty.
Awkward, yes, but it is memorable.
Youngblood: Oh God…oh God…oh
God…
(Meanwhile at the female side…)
Dani: Poor
dope.
Kitty: That definitely confirms he has a bit of a crush on
you.
Dani: Say what?
Ember: She didn't see, did she?
Sam:
Give her a minute, it's gonna sink in.
Dani: Wow…you'd think
that there would be…shrinkage.
Ember: I don't think he has a
problem there.
Sam: This is so weird, we're almost like
them.
Ember: It's a natural part of the game. I'm surprised
you haven't had any sudden urges to drag Danny to some secluded
spot and ravish him right then and there. I mean I did give you SOME
inspiration.
Sam: Some of us aren't so 'bold' as you. And it
was a love spell you used…although you didn't really have to do
much.
Star: I find ways of keeping my urges in check. Like
origami.
Valerie: That explains the whole closet of cranes you
have in your home.
Star: And what about you and Kwan?
Valerie:
Oh, we're just hanging out. It's nothing serious.
Star:
Yet.
Valerie: You're plotting again.
Star: Who, little old
me? Why ever would I plot for a friend who just happened to team up
with her ex boyfriend to set up a date with his best friend.
Dani:
And what about you and Johnny?
Kitty: It's amazing just what
will get me going. Sometimes, it's the little things, you know,
like a kind word or a piece of a sandwich that gets you there.
Star:
In my case, it's an apple.
Sam: Here's something I don't
get: Why you and Skulker?
Ember: Eh, bad boy thing. If you can get
past the whole 'tiny ghost in a suit of armor thing' you find
excuses to like the jerk.
(It is at this point that Dora appears.)
Dora: Excuse me, ladies, I need a word with you and
York.
Ember: Whoa who whoa, hold up there honey! You need to
respect the rules of the onsen.
Dora: An onsen? What are you
talking about?
Ember: Let me fill you in.
(Back at the dude side.)
Danny: So that's why you kept me out.
York:
Yeah, that's it in a nutshell. Understand Danny, I didn't want
you going there because I heard about that incident with…him. I
rather not let you risk being traumatized like that again…
Danny:
But you let Ember go with you.
York: I had to. For her, there was
something she had to prove.
Danny: I…suppose you're
right.
Youngblood: I'm glad he took care of it too. That was
something I don't ever want to go through again.
Johnny: Oh
man, I'm missing a sweet view. Oh yeah, I agree with the
teach.
Danny: Now that that tale is out of the way, can you tell
me what's up with this book?
York: The book is a record of a war
between forces from the Human world & the Ghost Zone ages ago,
before any of us.
Youngblood: I've heard of that!
Johnny: Me
too. I thought it was a legend.
Danny: Clockwork mentioned it some
time ago too.
York: And that war has everything to do with the
Wraiths. See…
(Before York can explain, Dora floats in…and she is, for all intents and purposes naked.)
Dora: Oh,
Professor, there you are! I need to give you urgent news.
Youngblood:
OH MY GOD!!!!
Johnny: THANK YOU GOD!!!!
Danny: GAH!!! (Danny
ducks down.) I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT THE BAMBOO WAS GHOST
PROOF!!!
York: It is…from our side. Oops. (Ember pops in.)
Ember: Hey, Baby Pop! Whose are bigger, mine or Sam's?
Kitty
(O.S.) DAMN IT EMBER!! DON'T GIVE THEM A FREE PEEK!!!
Johnny: I
told you man, BENEFITS!!!!
Danny: …
Youngblood: Why is my
nose bleeding?
(And in a library somewhere…)
Tucker: Funny…I feel as though I'm missing the greatest moment in my life.
END!!!!
