Chapter 6: Push and Pull
The next morning was filled with my usual waterbending routine. When I finished up, I decided not to go to the hospital just yet. I preferred to wait until after dusk. After what happened yesterday, I wanted to give myself some advantage. It was interesting how part of me still approached this like a battle. I wanted to rise with the moon. I always did feel my strongest at night.
I spent the day hiking a trail up the side of the volcano that formed this small island. It had laid dormant for hundreds of years, and many considered it to be inactive. But as with all of these volcanic islands, the soil was rich and the plant life spectacular. The Fire Nation was a truly beautiful place when I stopped to think about it.
Just as the sun made its descent over the horizon, I arrived at the hospital. Aside from the guards, Zee was the only one around. Lazu and Chan had gone home for the night. Zee gave me a quick report on Azula's status.
"She didn't sleep last night, but she did take a few short naps during the day. Each time she would try to sleep, she'd wake up in a cold sweat. If this continues for much longer, we're going to have to intervene with herbs to make her sleep. But Lazu thinks its best to see if she'll get herself back into a regular sleeping pattern. We've mostly left her alone today, hoping that she would just rest, but you are welcome to go in."
I entered the princess's room. She was sitting up, her back against the wall. Her eyes locked on me the second I walked in the door.
"Good evening, Azula," I greeted her, taking a seat near her bed.
"Why do you insist on tormenting me?" she asked, glaring at me, the dark circles under her eyes more obvious.
"Can't even say hello first?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Why would I say hello to an enemy?"
"Azula, the war is over. I'm not your enemy anymore," I tried to reason with her.
"You will always be my enemy."
I sighed in frustration. "Why can't you just accept the fact that I want to help?"
"Because I don't believe you," she said simply, and I was at a loss. "Put yourself in my shoes, waterbender. If things were reversed, would you believe me? Would you let me help you?"
This was the second time she'd brought this up, and I remember how it ended yesterday. I opted for honesty this time instead of evasion.
"No, probably not," I said quietly, my gaze dropping to the floor.
"And why is that?"
"Because… I don't trust you."
"So do you see my dilemma?"
"It's not the same thing," I said, finally bringing my eyes back up to meet hers.
"It is the same thing," her simplistic answers annoyed me for some reason, and I felt myself begin to lose my patience.
"No, it's not!" I yelled. "I'm not like you. I can be trusted. Unlike you, I don't hurt people, I help them!" For a second Azula almost looked hurt by my words, then anger flashed across her face.
"You're so self-righteous." Those words stung. I felt like such a hypocrite, and I had let my temper get the best of me.
Running my hands through my hair, I looked back down at the floor. I began to seriously doubt my ability to help her. I was in way over my head.
I brought my gaze up to meet Azula's, which was filled with anger and mistrust. "You're right. I am self-righteous," I quietly admitted. Her expression changed to something I couldn't quite read. "But I do want to help you, whether you want to believe it or not. I can't give you a good reason why. I can't even give you a good reason to trust me. I just hope that you'll give me a chance to prove that you can trust me."
She seemed to consider that for a minute. "Well, I don't trust you, waterbender," she finally said, bitterness evident in her voice. "But I don't trust anyone anymore. It's not smart." She paused. "You can leave now."
Sighing, I got up to go, wondering just what was going on inside that head of hers. She was clearly frustrated, and so was I, but for entirely different reasons.
Opening the door, I turned to speak, "Goodbye, Azula. I'll see you tomorrow."
I half expected her to tell me not to come back, but nothing more was forthcoming from the princess.
"I just hope that you'll give me a chance to prove that you can trust me."
Laying in bed, I replayed the evening's events in my head. Those words must have sounded strange coming out of my mouth, especially considering that I didn't trust her. But if I was being honest with myself, it was the truth. I still held a grudge against Azula for what she did to Aang in Ba Sing Se. I tended to do that to people who tried to hurt me or my loved ones. Guiltily, I remembered threatening to kill Zuko if he tried to hurt Aang again when he first joined up with us.
Zuko had told me that Azula was a master at determining whether or not someone was telling the truth, but that was before her nervous breakdown. Paranoia had moved in where mental clarity once was, as was evidenced by the last three days. But her paranoia wasn't entirely delusional. She did have some legitimate insight. And I didn't like having that mirror held up to my face.
I shook my head. Sleep wasn't coming tonight, so I decided to go for a walk. Wrapping myself in my blue kimono, I stepped out into the cool night air. The moon was starting to wane, but it provided enough light to see the path I was walking along. Eventually, I ended up at the beach. I laid back and listened to the sounds of the ocean while I gazed at the moon. I thought of Yue and La, the moon and ocean spirits—the current source of waterbending in the world. The push and pull between the two was like a dance and it comforted me.
For so long I've almost always looked outside of myself. After my mother died, it was easy to do because Sokka needed me. Then there was Aang and, eventually, Toph. It was my job to look after them, to protect them. But now that the war was over, things had changed. And even though I was here to help Azula—mostly because I cared for Aang and Zuko—somehow this had come to be about me as well. I couldn't keep on avoiding it.
Maybe I was too idealistic, too stubborn, too set in my ways of thinking about what's right and wrong. As much as I hated to admit it, Azula was right. I was self-righteous.
I brought myself up to sit, and began to watch the ocean, watch the tides as they would rise and fall. Roll in and pull back. The quality of water is flexibility, something that I, ironically, sorely lacked.
My emotions—my stubbornness and my temper—had gotten the better of me today. I didn't go with the flow, and because of that, it seemed like I had made it even harder to close the divide that existed between Azula and I.
In that moment, I felt I wasn't strong enough to do this. Not alone. I needed guidance. I closed my eyes and prayed to the ocean and the moon spirits.
Soon it felt like I wasn't alone on the beach any longer and opened my eyes. I gasped at the sight of the moon spirit, Yue. I hadn't seen her since the siege at the North Pole. Her body was luminous and her eyes shown with love and wisdom.
"You asked for some advice?" she spoke, smiling at me. Stunned, all I could do was nod.
"Katara, the energies of sun and moon are in total balance at dawn and at dusk. But the moment of balance is brief, and shifts into favor of the sun after dawn and of the moon after dusk. Firebenders are naturally strongest at noon, when the sun is at its highest point. Likewise, waterbenders are at their peak at midnight. I know that you know all this already, but I thought it was worth pointing out.
"Even though Princess Azula has been cut off from the sun, being a firebender she will always be at her strongest during the day. Her internal clock knows when it's daytime. It's when she feels the most secure. By meeting with her at that time—when she is at her natural advantage and you at your natural disadvantage—it will show that you trust her. It's subtle, yet it will plant a powerful seed within her mind and yours as well."
"But, Yue, she can't be trusted."
"You don't know that."
"Zuko himself said Azula always lies."
"Do you trust me?"
"Of course."
"There is a good reason she used to lie. Not that lying is something to be condoned, of course. But she felt that it was her only choice."
"How do you know that?"
"When I rise each night, I am connected to every being on this planet. I can feel their thoughts and their energy. Azula has plenty of faults and has done lots of things that could be considered cruel. A lot of that was born out of necessity. But those things don't define her. She's lost her way and needs to find a new one. You can show her how to do that, but it starts with trust.
"She'll never be able to learn to trust you if you continue to mistrust her. You have to learn to forgive her for her past misdeeds. Otherwise, you will continue to hold both her and yourself in bondage by your inability to forgive. You know what that's like and what it does to your spirit. You've done it to Zuko, to the Southern Raider who took your mother's life, and even to your own father. And you know what it's like to be free of that bondage.
"You are a healer. Your energy needs to be allowed to flow in order to heal yourself and others. Don't cut it off with your mistrust. Remember the quality of your element—of water. Learn to be flexible. Learn to adapt."
The moon spirit placed a light kiss on my forehead, granting me her blessing, before floating back up into the sky and dissolving back into the moon. Overwhelmed by the experience, I stayed awake by the water. I felt my grudge against Azula melt away, and my energy began to flow more smoothly. I laid back, enjoying the sensation before finally drifting off to sleep.
