Entry 6
Middas, 20th of Last Seed
Skjor is dead. Gods. Writing those words felt so horrible. Like they've been made more real by acknowledging them. This one knew him a short time, but he believed in her. Because of him and his trust in her, this one was given a chance to put her past to rest. She never would have been given that chance; none of the Circle trusted her like Skjor did in that moment. She will always be grateful to him.
He also gave this one a great gift, but she remembers little of her first transformation.
Just the taste of blood.
When this one woke up, she found herself in the wild with Aela outside a fort called Gallows Rock. We were to follow Skjor inside and kill the Silverhand and their leader stationed within. This one shifted her form and charged inside. She can recall the taste of blood, the crunch of bone under her teeth, the rush of wind in her fur, but little else. When she came to, the Silverhand lay dead around her and Skjor was lying at her feet. This one thought Skjor was sleeping; it just didn't make sense.
This one began to shake, her breath turned to sharp gasps, and her heart beat so fast, this one thought it would stop; for a horrible moment, she thought she'd killed him. It is possible. Aela mentioned before this one turned that some can't separate the beast from themselves, and this one feared she may not have the strength to control herself.
"Shield-Sister, you are not to blame. It was these bastards; the Silverhand. Somehow they managed to kill Skjor! He should not have come alone. I should have been here, I..." Aela's voice trembled and she ordered this one away.
This one wanted to blame herself. Perhaps if Aela hadn't stayed with her to help her after her transformation, she'd have been able to help Skjor.
When this one entered Jorrvaskr afterwards, it felt like something was missing.
Since Khajiit was the first to return, it was she who spread the word of his death. Kodlak, great, powerful and wise that he is, looked weak and empty inside after this one told him. He said little, just to go and grieve in whatever way this one could.
This one told the others, then brought the news to the twins. Farkas could say little, just that he needed his brother. Vilkas' face barely changed at all and yet the way his voice shook…It stirred something inside this one's soul to hear him so heartbroken, to imagine the grief and the pain he was fighting back. This one wishes to go to him now and comfort him, but she knows it would dishonor him.
Once she was alone in her room, this one began to weep. This one wept for her shield-family; wept for their pain, their heartache, their grief and their loss. It has been so long since this one shed any tears. She wishes now to only bring comfort to them all in any way possible by putting Skjor's killers to rest.
Damn the Silverhand! Damn them. Whatever have the Companions done to them?
They will suffer, they will bleed and even if this one remembers little of the event, they will die by the fangs of the very beast they hunt!
Aela has since returned to Jorrvaskr and revealed the location of a group of Silverhand hiding in Hjaalmarch. This one heads there as soon as possible. They will pay dearly for Skjor's murder.
Mother, this one has found home.
When this one stepped through the gates of Whiterun, she felt at peace and safe and when she arrived at the meadhall, that feeling grew. This one has found kinship and family to share her dreams with, her hopes with, her grief with, and J'Hirra will never be alone again.
The other day, this one found the sword of some useless Redguard that approached her a few days ago for help finding it. This one supposes that is an honorable task, yes? He will feed his family with it. Even such small accomplishments brings this Khajiit joy, for now she knows that those accomplishments bring pride to those closest to her, too. Yes, even Vilkas.
Perhaps this one will even admit that it makes this Khajiit smile to imagine it brings pride to Vilkas; she hopes so, especially in these dark days.
Even if he doesn't care at all, the idea warms her, every part…that stupid dog.
