A/N: And yes, this time round, it will be a two-chapters update. Well, a big thank you to all of you out there. ^_^ Hope you will enjoy it!
Chapter 7: Longing
Tsunade entered the room, her brows furrowed together. A man followed closely behind her.
"How is he?"
Tsunade sighed and turned to look at her companion. "Down with a cold. A fever too. I will give him an injection which will bring down the temperature."
Kakashi nodded quietly, his eyes glued to the pale man lying in the hospital bed.
"You are still worried about him, aren't you?" Tsunade raised an eyebrow, daring the jounin to defy her statement.
Kakashi stayed silent as he tried to keep his emotions from surfacing. Tsunade shook her head in exasperation, not understanding why the jounin would still be hesitating. "You can stay here if you want. He won't be waking up so soon."
The Hokage strode out of the room, leaving the younger man in the room to his own musings and decisions. And hopefully, at being left alone, Kakashi would finally gather his wits and get his genius brain working to figure out how to sort things out with Iruka.
The door closed. Kakashi stood in his spot at the end of the bed, watching the sleeping man in the bed. The tension that had been plaguing him since Iruka fainted finally left him. He walked slowly to the bedside and slumped in the chair. His eye followed the frame of his ex-lover.
Iruka has lost weight. Kakashi felt his heart aching at that observation, knowing that it was because of the past few months of hell that he had put Iruka through. He reached out his hand hesitantly and touched the tanned cheek. His breath hitched at the contact.
He had missed that for so long. Missed the contact and missed how the chunin's skin feels against his hand. He missed embracing Iruka and hearing the gentle heartbeat when they snuggle up to each other in bed. He missed the warm brown eyes that always looked at him lovingly and the cheerful laughter that will always brighten up his day. He missed the welcome home kiss every time he returns from a mission and being tended to by Iruka when he is injured.
But most of all, he missed the love they shared and the time when they lived together. He couldn't deny it. No matter how much he tried to convince himself that he had to let go, he knew he missed Iruka. Everything that he does, whether it's sitting in the couch, cooking his dinner or even sleeping in his bed at night, everything will ultimately link it back to the chunin. Everything reminds him of those times that he had spent with the younger man.
When did things go wrong? Why had he been such a jerk that he had hurt the person he loved time and again? Why did he not believe his friends during the time when he lost his memories, when they told him that Iruka was his lover? Why had he been so callous as to completely wipe the memories of their love from his mind? If he had truly loved Iruka, if the chunin really means the world to him, surely a foreign drug wouldn't be able to wipe off that feeling and that memory.
Kakashi felt the lump growing in his throat as unshed tears formed in the corner of his eyes. No matter how much he wished that all these hadn't happened, he couldn't turn back time and change it all. He knew it was over. Iruka deserves so much better.
Iruka deserves someone who loves him and doesn't make him worry. He deserves someone who never hurts him and always knows how to make things right. He deserves someone who makes him happy and pampers him.
And Kakashi knows that the person is not him. He will never be good enough for the chunin.
He lingered on a little more at the contact, knowing that this is probably the last time that he will get to touch the younger man like that. Then, he stood up and pulled down his mask. He bent over and pressed his lips against Iruka's.
A kiss that contains all those unvoiced emotions and spoke of hurt, longing and so much more. A kiss that barely lasted a second, but will be carved in the jounin's memory for eternity. A kiss that will comfort him in his darkest moments, but at the same time, reminds him of the hurt that he had inflicted on the chunin.
And it will be the last kiss that he ever gives Iruka.
Kakashi straightened himself and tugged his mask back in place. He knew he shouldn't dwell there any longer. If he does, he won't be able to hold back his control. And he knew that wanting Iruka to accept him back into his life would be unfair to the younger man. Maybe even cruel, after all those emotional pains that he had put the chunin through.
Kakashi swallowed hard. He allowed his hand to trail the peacefully sleeping face a while more. Then, he withdrew his hand and let it dropped to his side in defeat. With a heavy sigh, he turned and left the room.
=-=-=-=
Tsunade stared at the flask in front of her.
"What is this for?" She frowned and glanced up at the man in front of her.
"Give this to Iruka." Kakashi said quietly.
"What is it?" Tsunade tried to decipher what the flask could possibly contain.
"Cold remedy. It always works for him."
The older lady raised an eyebrow. "And why don't you want to wait for him to wake up and hand it to him personally?"
"He doesn't have to know." Kakashi looked away. "I don't want him to know."
"And why is that?"
"No reasons. He doesn't need to know any of this. Just give this to him and let him drink it. It will help him to recover faster." Kakashi shoved his hand into his pocket.
"Kakashi……." Tsunade sighed tiredly.
"Tsunade-sama, it will be easier for us both if we don't see each other."Kakashi interrupted quietly. "It will do him good."
Tsunade shook her head and pulled the flask towards her. "I really don't understand why you are doing this. I don't get it why you are pushing him away again. Kakashi, if you let go this time, no one will be able to help you."
"He deserves much better."
"You said that before." Tsunade snapped. "And I told you to talk things out with him. Apparently you didn't. That's why things have gotten to where they are today."
"He doesn't need to listen to my pathetic excuses." Kakashi turned to leave. "Tsunade-sama, I will leave this to you then. If you would excuse me, I still have some things to do."
"Are you sure about this?" Tsunade stared at the jounin's back, in a mix of sympathy and frustration.
"Yes. If he asks, don't mention anything about me. Whatever you say, don't let him know that I have got anything to do with his admission into the hospital or the cold remedy." Kakashi swallowed dryly. "This is my only request, Tsunade-sama."
The blond lady eyed her subordinate silently as she considered his request and weighed the pros and cons. Then she looked away.
"Alright. I give you my promise." Tsunade sighed in defeat. She had absolutely no idea how to convince the jounin. But at the same time, she doesn't want to push Kakashi into a corner till he really snap from the pressure.
"Thank you, Tsunade-sama." Without a backward glance, Kakashi opened the door and stepped out of the room.
=-=-=-=
Iruka groaned and stirred. Slowly opening his eyes, he realized his surrounding was dark. He shifted and felt the pain throbbing in his head. Slowly, he pushed himself into a seating position and studied the room he was in.
Moonlight shone through the open window and Iruka wondered how long he had laid there sleeping. His eyes gradually adjusted to the darkness and he found himself staring at the four white walls of a hospital ward. The smell of sterilizer confirmed his location. He turned and looked out of the window dazedly.
He could vaguely recall a dream he had when he was sleeping. It was a funny dream, or at least it was to him. And it had been kind of a nice one.
He had dreamt of Kakashi. He had dreamt that Kakashi was with him while he was sleeping in the hospital bed. And the presence of the jounin was so overwhelming that it was almost real.
The thought of the older man was enough to send another flash of pain into Iruka's heart. He blinked away the tears that had formed in his eyes and swallowed the lump in his throat. He wished that the dream was real. Wished that Kakashi was right there to take care of him like he always did. Wished that the jounin will still be there to comfort him and assure him that everything is alright.
Iruka ran a hand through his hair in exasperation as he let out a bitter smile. Why was he still harboring these thoughts, when he knew that Kakashi doesn't care anymore? Why was he still holding on to something so futile when he should have let go long ago?
The door slid open quietly and someone entered the room, breaking him out of his reverie.
"You are finally awake, Iruka-san."
Light flooded into the room and Iruka squinted his eyes to adjust to the sudden intrusion. It took him a while to identify the person standing by the door.
"Shizune-san."
The dark haired lady approached the bed and smiled at him. "It's a good thing that I decided to come by on my rounds. I see that you are awake now. How are you feeling?"
"Horrible." Iruka clutched the side of his head and managed a weak smile, as he tried to push the thoughts in his head to the back of his mind.
"You are too reckless. You should have come over to the hospital for treatment the moment you are unwell." Shizune chided lightly.
"Sorry. I was on my way here. But I guess I couldn't make it in time." Iruka sighed as he rubbed his head.
"Like I would believe you. Looks like someone thinks grocery shopping is more important than getting himself treated." Shizune shook her head. Iruka grinned at her sheepishly.
"I thought I would buy some stuff on my way here."
Shizune sighed. "You are lucky someone sent you to the hospital in time. Or else, you can be prepared to stay here for the next few days for high fever and aches."
Iruka blinked a few times, trying to remember who that person was. He vaguely remembered knocking into someone before he fainted. He blushed slightly and made a note to find out who that person was so that he could thank him personally.
"Shizune-san, do you know who is the person who brought me here? I would like to thank him or her for the help."
"Oh, uh, that won't be necessary. He didn't leave behind a name either. He just left you in the ward and he left." Shizune smiled nervously. Iruka frowned.
Shizune changed the subject immediately before the chunin could question further.
"Sakura and Naruto-kun were here earlier. But you were asleep. They will come over and pick you up tomorrow. Just rest here for the night. Tsunade-sama had given you a jab earlier. It should push your fever down soon. But she wants you to take a rest tomorrow. Shikamaru-kun will be taking your place at the academy and Genma-san will be taking your shift in the mission room."
"Thank you." Iruka nodded.
"Oh, before I forget." She moved over to the counter at the other side of the room. "Drink this up. It will help you to recover faster."
She handed a cup to the chunin who took it gratefully. Iruka took a sip out from the cup and froze.
The taste was achingly familiar. It tasted like the cold remedy which Kakashi always made for him whenever he was down with a cold or fever. No one should know how to make it the way the jounin did, because Kakashi had once said that Minato had only ever taught him how to prepare it.
He swallowed hard and looked at the medic-nin. "Shizune-san, this drink……"
Shizune looked from him to the cup and fidgeted slightly. Then she smiled. "Tsunade-sama asks me to make sure you drink it. She prepared it for you."
"I see." Iruka turned back to the cup and finished up the contents.
He did not question further. But from the way the kunoichi was reacting, he knew that she was lying.
=-=-=-=
