Hey guys, Emi once again. Trivia question, what do you get when you cross an orange and a tangerine? Think about this while you read and tell me in your reviews please. No, we don't own Naruto, but we're flattered that you didn't ask.
Day 7
(1:39 pm) I feel like complete shit. That's the best way I can possibly describe it. My insides are on fire. But not a full on, mercifully numb-painful fire, but a dull, aching, slow burning, like being roasted twelve feet over a bonfire. It's not enough to kill, just enough to leave a permanent dull ache in my chest. My mind's one big fog… I can't see clearly…I'm not thinking straight…Isamu's mad cause I didn't give him the journal. I have to see him again in five days. Sakura's worried about me, she's called me about five times in the past day and a half.
And I can't even be mad at her, or call her annoying. No, I want her to call. I want someone to care about me, anyone. God! I'm pathetic. How did I sink this far? How did I fall so low? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm sick of hurting.
Why can't everyone just leave me alone?!
(Day 7, part II.)
It's 11:28 p.m.
Warning. I'm not proud of anything I did today.
And I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I don't think I want to. Sakura called me again at the end of previous writings. It screwed up my already-frayed nerves. So I snapped at her. About an hour or two later she came over, and came inside. I didn't even care. I just stared at the wall, watching a beetle. Looking back, I must have scared her pretty badly.
I don't even remember when Sakura left, actually. The next thing I was aware of was being on the floor with a bottle of something beside me. I think it was Clorox, and the beetle was dead. I didn't want to move. My stomach growled. Didn't care. My throat was dry. Didn't care. I welcomed the sandpaper feeling, only because it was different from the ache of dull flames. I stared at the Clorox bottle and wondered how fast it'd kill me. I think Sakura gave me some pain meds… they were making me a little off. Hour or two passed, I didn't know what time it was. It had been a little over three weeks since I had moved back to the village. A week since I met Isamu. Couple years since I'd needed someone to keep me from loosing it.
I don't know how long I laid there, feeling…empty. Except for that dull ache. If only it could've gone away, I'd have been happy. Just for a chance not to feel so sick inside. I wanted to throw up, but I couldn't be bothered to waste the effort. I might have just sprawled there until I died, honestly, if the people I know didn't talk to each other about my condition. If certain people weren't dead seat on keeping me alive.
Naruto showed up around two hours ago. He'd just come from training, him and Sakura were talking about me. She mentioned how…well, catatonic I'd been acting. And on a pretty damn good instinct, he came running. The door wasn't even locked, that baka just walked right in.
He took one look at me, on the floor, not even bothering to hide how incredibly weak I was. My anti-depressants made me weak and lightheaded. Yeah. They gave me drugs. Great village, huh? But Naruto just knelt down beside me and lifted my head up, so he could see for himself the 'dead' in my eyes. All I can remember was drowning in an ocean of blue.
(DISCLAIMER: The following is the conversation we had while I was heavily under the influence of medication that screwed with my mental status. I am not to be held accountable for anything I may have said or done.)
"Sasuke? What're you…doing?" His eyebrows came together, and he was frowning ever so slightly.
I didn't answer.
"Sakura told me you were acting weird. What's going on?" He tried again. I didn't feel like responding. Nothing could possibly have made him more upset than that.
"Damn it Sasuke." He whispered, grabbing either side of my face. It wasn't gentle. His nails scraped my skin, and he had fistfuls of my hair. I was only vaguely aware of the pain at my temples. My head's throbbing now, though. "What the hell are you doing!?" My face was inches from his own. I could easily have reassured him then, I could see the worry, fear, and anger in his eyes. He was shaking, his hands trembling. I never wanted to see him like that. I never wanted to cause him that pain. And for everything I could have said, all the hurt I could have just erased…
I just blinked.
"You scared the shit out of Sakura!" Out of him, too. I could tell. Now, it's killing me. Then….I didn't even care. About him, Sakura, the pain I was putting both of them through. Now, it's crazy. But I could've sworn… under the drugs, I hallucinated…. There was no way his eyes really were red, no way there was water streaming from them.
All of this. So easily avoided. All of this pain I put them through… all of anything…and all I did, was blink.
"Damn it, Sasuke! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!" His hands dropped to my shoulders and shook me like I was a ragdoll. Actually, I kinda was a ragdoll. A tall, hard-muscled, black haired, eyed, soul-ed, ragdoll. "DON'T YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT LIVING?! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL YOUSELF?!" He shouted, and his voice, it was desperate, like he was trying to get through to me… "DO YOU WANT TO DIE?! HUH? WELL DO YA?!"
It must have been the medication. I stared up at him as he continued to yell at me, willing something to respond, anything. And the fog my mind was in had clear in a space… and I could suddenly see my life. And I really could easily say that I could die at that moment and be happy. But… I couldn't. I couldn't die. I wouldn't….I…
"I…don't....." My tongue was thick, like syrup. My throat felt swollen. My lips were dry and cracking. My voice was slow, forced.
"WHA- what did you say?" His voice came down about twenty decibels, and it was husky, raw. Understand, he'd been yelling a solid half hour. "Sasuke, what don't you want? Please, Sasuke… tell me." His hands went from shaking me, threatening, to holding me up, supporting me. His eyes went from anger to concern, warmth evident. He cared. He needed me…to be his best friend.
"I…don't….want to die." I whispered. And at that moment, a wall of my fortress vanished. "I'm scared, Naruto. I don't know what's in my head… I can't think clear…I can't see… I don't care about anything… these depression meds… they're screwing with me… " And that's when I realized. It wasn't Naruto. It was me. I was shaking. Uncontrollably shaking.
His eyes brightened with understanding. "Drugs. You idiot." Loser stole my line in my moment of weakness. GREAT FRIEND. "Sasuke, you moron, last time they had you on drugs it was the day you came back" Three and a half weeks ago. And why was his voice so relieved? "And you fell out of a fifth floor hospital room and couldn't remember what you'd been doing there in the first place. Depression meds screw with your body and your head, idiot."
"I…don't…remember….falling….out…of…a….window…"
"That's the point. Your head was a blank. These pills screw you up." He was laughing, relieved. And he…hugged me. I think it's the medication talking, but for a second, I felt like I was where I was supposed to be. I felt like I…belonged there. And maybe….just maybe…it's still probably the medication talking, but what the hell I can scratch this out later, maybe…
he felt it, too.
