A/N: I wrote up the BIG scene of this chapter before I finished Ch.6 which is why I have it ready so quickly. I put a lot of effort into my writing but I feel like this chapter is my baby so I really really hope you like it!
Please let me know what you think by leaving a review!
Excuse any typos/grammatical errors, and remember I do not own The Hunger Games
Not sleeping with Peeta is harder than I expected. This must be what it feels like to be addicted to something and then get it taken away. My nights are plagued with nightmares. I often wake up drenched in sweat, my throat sore from screaming at the horrors that haunt me in my sleep. Most nights I have to fight the urge to run to Peeta's house and ask him to hold me.
Though I don't seek Peeta out in the middle of the night we are beginning to fall into a routine. In the mornings I head into the woods, most days I don't catch anything but being out in the woods helps me relax. Peeta spends most of his mornings in town doing god knows what, and even though I've asked him he tells me it's a surprise and it drives me crazy because I don't like surprises. I even try to follow him one day but he catches me and makes me promise I won't do it again, and I keep my promise.
Today when I come back from hunting, the sky is gray, suggesting we might have our first spring storm and I shudder at the thought, thinking of the clock arena. I walk into my house to find Peeta busy baking.
"Why yes. You can use my kitchen whenever you like" I tease him.
"Thanks" he says lifting his eyes to meet mine.
He gives me a smile and returns to his work.
"You're not going to tell me what's wrong with your oven?"
"No." he says giving me another smile.
I sigh and let it go. I walk over to the counter and notice the stack of mail on it.
"You don't have to bring my mail in every time it arrives. "I tell him.
"I know. But I think you'd let it sit in your mailbox until it was full if I didn't, so it's not a problem."
He's right. I have no desire to open any mail, especially when half the time it's from the same person. I throw it in the trash without even going through it. Peeta looks up from the bread he is busy kneading and shakes his head.
"Guess you still don't want to talk to him…" he says.
I shake my head hoping he will drop the subject, but he doesn't.
"You could at least read his letters. You don't have to answer them." He says.
"Please, just drop it." I ask him, my voice sounding harsher than I intended.
He goes back to focusing on the bread he is making and I decide to go upstairs and shower.
I step into the shower letting the hot water soak my body. I start thinking about the letters and I let myself break. I end up sitting on the floor, hugging my knees as the tears begin rolling down my face and I try to stifle my cries because I don't want to alarm Peeta. The steam that has accumulated in my small bathroom makes it hard to breathe but I can't stop crying. I cry because the name on the envelopes reminds me of everything I've lost. I cry because I'm barely eighteen and I feel broken beyond repair.
"Katniss? Are you alright?" I hear Peeta's voice through the door, breaking me out of my trance.
I clear my throat before I shut the water off.
"Yes. Sorry. Lost track of time," I yell out.
I don't know how long I've been sitting under the hot water but if Peeta came to check on me, it must've been a while.
I stand in front of the mirror as I always do after a shower. I notice the bags under my eyes are more pronounced than usual, it doesn't surprise me. I also notice that my hair has grown in length and that my ribs and hipbones are no longer protruding. My breasts are beginning to fill out again and the color is returning to my cheeks. I look healthier, tired, but healthier. I wrap myself in a towel and step outside letting the steam out. Peeta is leaning against the wall by the door and I jump when I notice him, nearly dropping my towel.
"You scared me!"
"Sorry. I was worried, you were in there a while. I thought you'd drowned yourself."
"I take showers, not baths." I say matter-of-factly as I walk past him and into my room.
I take a seat on the edge of my bed and he stops at the door. He looks at me for a few seconds before he decides to kneel in front of me.
"You haven't been crying have you?" he asks cupping my face in his hands and wiping drops of water from under my eyes with his thumbs.
Tears begin forming in my eyes again as I lie and shake my head no.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pressed the subject of the letters." He says softly, as if he is talking to a small child.
"You're just trying to help." I say looking away from him.
I manage to hold back my tears as he wraps his arms around me. It isn't until I notice my hair is dripping on his shirt that I realize I am wearing nothing but a towel. I feel the heat rise to my cheeks and I clear my throat awkwardly. He looks at me puzzled when he pulls away.
"Oh," he clears his throat too.
"I'm sorry. I'll let you get dressed." He says before walking out of my room.
When I finally come downstairs I find Peeta sitting at the dining table. He is focused on his drawing and doesn't look up when I sit in the chair next to him. He is drawing a pair of eyes. They look a bit like his, only older, with lines in the corners.
"Is that…is that your father?"
"Yes" he says as he continues to draw.
I decide to leave him to his drawing and grab a piece of bread before moving to the living room. I rarely turn on my TV but I don't want to fall asleep and there's not much else for me to do. I flip through the limited number channels available but nothing catches my attention, until I see him. His dark hair is cut short and I almost don't recognize him, but there's no mistaking those gray eyes. He looks serious but the fire and rage that used to drive him is missing from his face. The TV is muted and I can't bring myself to turn the sound on. I'm afraid of the effect his voice will have on me, I already let myself break once today, I don't want it to happen again.
"Is that…?" I hear Peeta call out from behind me.
He startles me and I turn the TV off quickly.
"Katniss…"
"Don't. I don't want to talk about him!" I say raising my voice at him.
"Having a lover's quarrel are we?" Haymitch is standing at the door.
He has a knack for showing up at the most unfortunate times.
"We don't have any liquor!" I tell him.
"Ouch, sweetheart. You hurt me. I ain't here for that."
"Well, you never come by unless you're out of liquor or bread. So which is it?"
"I'll have you know…Peeta invited me over for dinner."
I look to Peeta for confirmation and he nods.
"You're a bit early for dinner" Peeta says.
"I'm also out of liquor. You got any?" he says making Peeta chuckle, but I am not amused so I grab a pillow from the couch and throw it at him.
Haymitch successfully dodges my pillow and grabs a piece of bread before he takes a seat on the opposite end of my couch. He seems more sober than usual but he still reeks of white liquor.
"What's got you in a bad mood, sweetheart?" He asks me but I ignore him.
When Greasy Sae arrives I get up instantly and insist on helping her. She doesn't refuse me and we leave Peeta, Haymitch, and her granddaughter in the living room. They entertain themselves by watching TV, and I catch myself listening for the voice I was so afraid to hear earlier, but it never comes.
Dinner goes well, Haymitch is on his best behavior and I suspect it's because he really is out of liquor and he knows Peeta has hidden some from him.
"How's your bakery coming along, boy?" Haymitch asks.
I look up from my food and give Peeta a questioning look.
"What bakery?" I ask confused.
Peeta sighs and gives Haymitch a disapproving look.
"Surprise!" he says faking enthusiasm.
"Ooops…" Haymitch says chuckling a bit.
"is that why you were upset, sweetheart? Because lover boy was keeping secrets from you?" he asks.
Peeta blushes and Greasy Sae shakes her head trying to hold back a smile.
"I wasn't keeping secrets! It was going to be a surprise!" Peeta objects.
I can't tell whether I'm embarrassed or angry but my face is hot and I am staring at my food.
"Peeta loves Katniss?" Greasy Sae's granddaughter, who almost never speaks, picks this moment to chime in.
By now I am sure my face is beet red and I am so embarrassed I decide to give up on eating and get up from the table.
As I walk into the kitchen I hear Peeta whispering to Haymitch.
"Good going, Haymitch."
"No body told me it was supposed to be a surprise" Haymitch responds in what he probably thinks is a whisper but I have no trouble hearing.
I hide out in the kitchen going through the things in my refrigerator, rearranging my pots and pans, and doing dishes. Greasy Sae offers to help me but I tell her no and she and her granddaughter leave. Haymitch sticks around until Peeta gives in and hands him a bottle of liquor we stashed away in case he runs out. Haymitch going through withdrawals is worse than Haymitch drunk.
When Haymitch leaves, Peeta brings in the last of the dirty dishes and I begin to wash them
"Sorry about that, you know how Haymitch can be…" says Peeta.
"It's alright. I'm sorry he ruined your surprise." I tell him.
He smiles at me and begins drying the dishes I just washed.
"So that's what you've been doing in town every morning?"
"Yes. Dr. Aurelius approved me for it and helped me get a business permit. He sent it last week. I had already found a place I wanted to rent, I was just waiting for the permit to go through."
Peeta's face lights up as he talks about the bakery and it reminds me of the way he used to light up before, when he talked about working at his family's bakery.
"You seem happy." I tell him.
"I am. I haven't had a flashback in over a month, and I've gotten a lot of my memories back." He says.
I don't say anything else as we finish drying the dishes and begin putting them away.
"Are you?" Peeta asks as he puts away the last plate.
"What?"
"Happy. Are you Happy?" his question takes me by surprise.
I haven't really thought about it. Am I happy? I think of this afternoon in the shower, of the face on the TV, of my mother and my sister and decide that No, I'm not happy.
"Happy? No." I tell him honestly and his face falls.
"But I'm glad to be alive" I add.
It's the first time I've said this out loud and I surprise even myself. Peeta takes my hand and squeezes it.
"I'm glad you're alive, too" he tells me.
The storm begins in my subconscious. I am back on the clock arena and it's time for the lightning that hits the tree, and the crack of thunder that follows. It wakes me up and when I look around I realize I am on the beach, lying in the sand, but Peeta is not next to me. He should be next to me.
I look around frantically trying to find him. I scream out his name, I run into the woods but he is nowhere to be found. Then I hear him scream out in pain and I follow the screams until they lead to a clearing. He is sitting in a chair with wires attached to his chest and limbs. A man is standing next to him pulling a lever, every time he pulls it Peeta writhes and screams out in pain. I run towards him but there's an invisible barrier between us. I scream out his name, I try to get him to look at me but he can't hear me, he can't see me.
The man keeps pulling on the lever until finally, Peeta stops squirming. His body becomes limp and his chest ceases to rise and fall. I begin banging on the barrier screaming, crying, until I hear another crack of thunder and shut my eyes closed. When I open my eyes again I am back in my room, in district twelve. I am breathing hard and my heart is racing. My nightmare was so vivid. I try to calm myself down but I can't. I look outside my window towards Peeta's house. All his lights are off, but I'm sure he's awake. I can't sleep through thunderstorms, and neither can he. I begin to cry hysterically as the thunder keeps on rolling and that's when I make up my mind.
I run down the stairs and into the rain. I don't care that I'm only wearing a sleep shirt, or that I don't have any shoes on. I am soaking wet and my feet are muddy by the time I get to his house. I turn the doorknob to find the door is unlocked. I walk through his house in the dark leaving a trail of water and mud and trying not to slip. When I finally make it to his room I open the door to find him sitting up on the edge of his bed. It is pitch black and all I can see is his silhouette as the lightning peeks through the window. He turns his head when he sees me standing at the door and I know I've startled him. He crosses the room so quickly I don't notice he's moved until I feel him wrap his arms around me.
"I had a nightmare," I tell him sobbing.
"Shh, shhh, you're alright, we're alright." He whispers in my ear as he runs his fingers through my soaked hair.
"No…" I shake my head as more tears roll down my face.
"We're not alright, Peeta. How can we be all right when everything takes us back to the arenas, the war? Letters, paintings, phone calls, thunder, lightning, my stupid cat." I say in between sobs.
"It's been almost 26 years for Haymitch and he's still not alright!"
He doesn't say anything, he just holds me tighter.
"You're soaked, let me get you a change of clothes before you catch a cold." He says once I've calmed down a bit.
We are now sitting on the floor at the foot of his bed and when he tries to stand up to get me some clothes, I pull him back down.
"Just wait with me for a while." I plead.
"Alright." He says pulling me onto his lap and cradling me like a child as he often does when he is trying to calm me down.
The thunder eventually begins to die down, leaving only the sound of the pouring rain. Peeta picks me up and sits me on the edge of the bed.
"I'll be right back, okay?" he asks kneeling down in front of me.
There's a flash of lightning and it illuminates his eyes, which are staring into mine, waiting for me to tell him I'll be okay, but I remain silent.
He places a kiss on top of my head and presses his forehead against mine. We are inches apart and I can feel his hot breath on my skin.
I don't know what possesses me to do it, but I lean forward and close the space between us. My lips crash hard into his and at first Peeta doesn't react, but a few seconds later he begins to kiss back. I've kissed Peeta countless times before, but this feels like the first time. Something's different though, tonight I'm not kissing him for show, I'm not kissing him to keep us both alive, I'm not doing it for him, or the cameras. Tonight I'm kissing Peeta for me.
His lips are warm and soft, and they move slowly against mine. My heart speeds up when I feel the heat radiating from his hands through my wet clothing. My hands are tangled in his hair as he pulls me closer and I begin to feel that thing that I felt back in the cave when my head was bleeding; and in the beach when he told me there was nothing for him here without me. We are lost in each other, and what started as a soft, gentle kiss is now frantic and heavy and hungry. His lips leave mine and make their way to my neck, leaving a trail of fire behind them. I feel his hands slip under my shirt and he places them on my lower back, sending chills up and down my spine. The feeling in my stomach intensifies as his lips return to mine but we are brought back to reality by the sound of thunder and I feel him jerk his hands out from under my shirt and place them on my shoulders as he lightly pushes me away, breaking us apart.
"Katniss, I can't," he says as another flash of lightning illuminates his face.
"Did I do something wrong?" I ask.
"No. I just don't think this is something we should be doing"
"Why?" I say appalled and hurt at his rejection.
"Katniss, I know what I want. I've known from the very first day I heard you sing. Even when I was half crazy and thought you were out to kill me. In the back of my mind I knew…I knew I loved you."
I look away from him embarrassed.
"It's you I'm worried about. I don't think you know what you want." He continues.
Even though he is mostly right, his accusing tone hurts my pride and I can feel the anger rising within me.
"I'm here aren't I? I ran through the pouring rain because I needed you." I say raising my voice. I'm surprised at how sure I am that I need him, and that's when I realize it's true. I need him. I need him to hold me when I feel as if I might fall apart. To help me fall asleep at night, and to help me wake up in the morning.
"Because I'm next door…"he begins but I cut him off.
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying, that maybe if things were different. If you had a choice…you wouldn't come to me."
I'm shaking with rage by now and I close my eyes trying to calm myself down but I can't. I want to tell him it's not true, that his are the only arms I want wrapped around me, but my pride wins out and I don't say anything.
Something about what he's said triggers a memory and I remember him saying the words, "I know your heart belonged to Gale."
"This is about Gale?" I ask.
He doesn't respond and it makes me even angrier.
"I can't believe you! He's not here! He left! He's gone!" I yell as angry tears spill over. I begin to turn to leave but he grabs my wrist holding me in place.
"You basically told me you loved him once." He says.
"Let go of me." I say and he does.
"I want you, Katniss. But I want you to be sure you want me too. Two weeks ago you told me you were confused. Two weeks ago you were worried you might get my hopes up. Now it's me who is worried about getting my hopes up…"
I know he's just protecting his heart because I broke it so bad the first time, but it doesn't make me feel any better.
"I love you. That's never going to change," He says walking to the bedside table.
He opens the second drawer and pulls out a stack of envelopes.
"You have things to sort out." He whispers handing me the stack before walking out of the room.
Even in the dark I know what these are, they're the letters I threw away. They're all unopened, all from District 2, all from Gale Hawthorne.
A/N:. In my mind Peeta's never had any competition, but in his mind he had to compete against Gale and feels like he still does, so he is being cautious with his heart.
