December 10, 2186

In the last week I've experienced rage, anguish, guilt, shame, and a few emotions for which I have no words. The most common thought in my head has been that I should have died on the Citadel. Not that the explosion should have killed me and it's a miracle I survived, but that it should have been me. I shouldn't be here. Anderson should have survived to have a life with Kahlee.

It's not a healthy line of thinking, I know, but it's the voice in my head. Nothing else has ever scared me like my own thoughts have in the last 7 days. I haven't even had the courage to write it down where nobody else can see.

I don't know why I got a second chance. I died once. Why didn't I stay that way? Part of me knows it doesn't matter why, all that matters is that I'm here. I can't do anything about what's happened to me or what I've done. We saved the galaxy. I should feel happy about that. Trillions of lives spared because of my actions. Hundreds of thousands of lives ended because of them, too. It's not a fun thing to think about.

On the Normandy, fighting for survival, it was easy to not think about those things. Sitting here now, it's impossible not to. Right now, I'm alone with my thoughts. Ash hasn't been by in days. I can't say as I don't understand. I'd have a hard time looking at her if the roles were reversed. She's got her own things to deal with. It'd be selfish of me to expect her to be here for me. It'd be selfish of her to expect me to be there for her. In the end, we're going to have to fight our own battles and move on from there.

I'm trying to come to a place where I can look back on the war and the lives lost and remember them all without guilt or remorse. All of us sacrificed. Every single life in the galaxy sacrificed something or someone. When I can look back on them all and remember, honoring their actions without feeling like I should have been able to prevent some of them, I'll know I'm getting better.

So much of me wants to get back to work, join the reconstruction efforts, stop trying to save the galaxy and just get it working towards its own future. I know, though, that doing so would only delay the inevitable, and probably make it harder. Doesn't matter. I'm still healing, and Dr. Chakwas has made it clear if I try to leave she'll personally hurt me enough to keep me here. I don't know that she'd actually do it, but if anyone can, and make it look like an accident, it's her. I'm not about to find out.

No real news from the outside world. I'm not asking. I'm not sure I could handle finding out. At this point, I'm believing that all my friends are involved in keeping the wheels turning. That's the important thing. There's nothing they can do for me here, and I'd rather they were out doing something that matters. I wouldn't turn down a few extranet messages, though.