1. Tell him you saw Musetta cheating on him

2. And it wasn't even the first time

3. While he cries just sit there and stare at him with your best "judging you" face

4. Then right after she dumps him when he yells at her for cheating, say, "Just kidding!"

5. When he yells at you, mock everything that he says

6. Then mock everything that he says for the next two weeks

7. Slather red paint all over his best painting

8. When he starts flipping shit, film him

9. Then mock everything he said while flipping shit

10. Make him go on a jewelry shopping spree with you (even if you are a guy)

11. Blow all his money on jewelry for yourself (again, even if you're a guy)

12. Do this on the day his rent is due

13. When he yells at you about his rent being due, suggest that he borrow money from Alcindoro

14. Then say, "Oh, never mind; he might not lend you any because of how much he's already spent on Musetta"

15. Laugh as he gets mad

16. Tell him repeatedly he needs glasses

17. Because his painting sucks

18. Dye his hair multiple colors

19. Using his best paint set

20. Ask him why he's so stubborn

21. Because it isn't becoming in a man

22. Then tell him you think Musetta wouldn't keep going after other guys if only he were nicer

23. Tell him he's ugly

24. And you think Alcindoro is cuter than him

25. Stare at his face really hard and say, "Hmm, we really need to do something about that RBF"

26. Force him to play truth or dare with you and the rest of the Bohemians

27. Dare him to switch clothes with Musetta

28. Then dare him to switch arias with Musetta

29. And then say, "Oh, right, you don't have an aria"

30. When he gets mad, run outside as fast as you can screaming, "Marcello's a psychopath! Marcello's a psychopath!"