Chapter Six
Two Days Later
DS James Hathaway stared with disgust at the pamphlet on his desk. A Guide to the OSPRE Inspector's Examination. He wondered vaguely why he hadn't immediately tossed it in the rubbish bin where it belonged. Maybe he kept the small booklet, because it made him think of happier times, times when he'd actually reaped pride and joy from work rather than guilt and sorrow. But he couldn't look at the pamphlet without remembering that those times were over and that they would never return again.
The guide in question had been shoved into his hands only ten few minutes ago by Chief Superintendent Keene.
" I've been looking through my predecessor's records. It's clear Jean Innocent thought very highly of you and of your abilities."
As he'd thought very highly of her and her abilities, though Innocent's irrational fixation with procedure had often driven him up the wall.
" Your performance evaluations from DCS Innocent are all excellent as are those from Inspector Lewis. And that's to say nothing of your impressive case record."
James fidgeted uncomfortably in his chair," I…er…thank you."
" We need more officers of your caliber, Mr. Hathaway, particularly senior officers. I notice that you haven't tried for inspector yet, though you're obviously extremely well-qualified."
" I'm afraid that's a matter of opinion."
" Don't be so modest," Keene replied, a friendly smile engulfing most of her freckled face.
Hathaway wanted desperately to explain that it wasn't a question of modesty at all. If he was truly good at his job, he'd be sitting across the desk from a very different woman—one older, wiser, more reliable, more practical, more wonderful.
But as he wasn't truly competent, here he was now, sitting directly across from Olivia Keene—the undeniable physical evidence of his greatest failure—who continued to nod encouragingly in a failed attempt to delude him into thinking that all was still right with the world.
" Well, in any case, please consider what I've said about the examinations. And take this with you. It contains everything you need to know about the exams."
A familiar voice drew James back to the present. " Oh, what's this now?" asked Inspector Lewis as he grabbed the pamphlet of Hathaway's desk. " Why didn't you tell me you were thinking of trying for inspector?"
" I'm not. It's just…. The new superintendent wants me to, and so she gave me this."
" James, if this is about me… don't worry about it. I'll be fine on my own…really. And I don't want you to think I'm holding you back from your dreams."
" This has nothing to do with you." The words came out much colder than he'd meant them.
" What is it then?"
" Already forgotten, then—have you? It hasn't even been two weeks, and you've forgotten!"
Lewis looked at his sergeant sadly. " No, James. I haven't forgotten. This has been very hard on all of us. But it's in the past now; leave it there."
It was all very easy for Robbie to say. He hadn't physically felt the life leaving her. He wasn't the one afraid to go to sleep, because every time he closed his eyes, he was forced to relive the hellish experience. His sorrow wasn't intermingled with guilt.
Lewis walked over to Hathaway and placed an arm on the sergeant's shoulder. " I know she meant a lot to you…to all of us. But you can't spend forever grieving. You need to move on—to start thinking about your future. It's what she'd have wanted."
Before he could stop himself, James had shaken off Lewis's hand and was shouting furiously at the older man. "You have no bloody idea what she'd have wanted! In case you haven't noticed, she's dead, Robbie!"
" I know, James," Lewis said quietly.
" Do you? I'm not so sure. Sometimes you act like she's gone on holiday or something and that all I have to do is act like a good little boy until she gets back! Well, I've got news for you; though you may pretend otherwise, she's not coming back."
" I know, James," Robbie repeated.
"Then, why do you keep pretending?"
"I'm not pretending anything!"
"No, I suppose you just never really cared about Jean to begin with." Hathaway's bitterness astounded even himself.
"Never cared?" Lewis asked, looking unsure of whether he was more hurt or angered at the sergeant's words.
James pretended not to have heard him. "I should've known all along; I mean, you didn't even go to her vigil service!"
" I told you; I always feel uncomfortable in churches…"
"That still doesn't change the fact that she would've gone to yours. But no, you couldn't even give her a half-hour of your precious time—could you? Where did you say you were going when I was at the church?" Hathaway paused for a moment in mock thought. " Oh, yes; you were going get a coffee! That's right, your boss and so-called 'friend' was lying in a coffin, and all you could think about was whether to get de-caffeinated or regular."
"James, it wasn't like that I promise…"
Hathaway again ignored Lewis's protestations and continued. " And you were always complaining about her too." He gave a cruel but accurate imitation of Robbie's Geordie accent. "'Doesn't she have anything better to do then make our lives difficult? Why doesn't she go bother someone else? If she says one more word about the bloody press, I'll kill 'er?'"
"James, you know I was just frustrated when I said those things. I liked Jean a lot, really I did..."
Deep down, Hathaway knew this, but that knowledge didn't stop him from proceeding. The truth was that he needed someone to hurt the way that he was hurting, someone to share his guilt and his pain, someone to understand.
"Sometimes…sometimes friends get angry with each other, and sometimes…sometimes they say things they regret—things they don't really mean. But they never stop caring about each other."
The sergeant strongly suspected that Lewis wasn't talking only about his disagreements with Jean in the past, but also about Hathaway's own actions in the present.
" We…we still need to pick up that lab report from Hobson. So, why don't I go do that now? You stay here and try to calm down a bit. And…and if you still feel like talking when I get back, then….then we'll talk."
Hathaway glanced over to give Lewis his endorsement of this plan, but the inspector was already gone.
