Author's Note: Thank you sooooo much for the kind reviews, I'm loving it :) I'm trying to draw this story out as long as I can, as far as Spike and Buffy go and all that, but it's hard because I'm kind of on a time limit before there won't be hardly any updates - I start my first year of university on September 8th, so yeah... doubt I'll have much time to focus on writing. So I'm sorry if it's a tad rushed, but I hope you guys still enjoy it! Oh, and as I'm sure you all know, the two songs included in this chapter do not belong to me :) One belongs to Lady Antebellum (?), and the other Babyface!
Buffy hung up the phone in the kitchen after her weekly update with Wesley about Angel's condition. Apparently there had been no change, which didn't come as much a surprise - she'd been hearing it for the three months she'd had Connor. Still, she had hope that Angel would pull through. Despite her new found feelings for Spike, Angel would always be her first true love, and her connection to him was strong. She wanted him safe.
She had even gone as far as to consider making a trip up to LA to see if she would be able to bring him out of it. But she knew she was where she was needed. She wasn't willing to risk Connor's safety on an attempt at helping Angel, one that would probably end in failure anyway.
Buffy was fixing supper, Connor safely in his bassinet in the living room, when the basement door opened and Dawn emerged, Spike behind her.
"Hey Buff, whatcha cooking?" Dawn asked, sitting down on one of the stools.
"Oh, just some chicken and past-... why are you all sweaty?" Buffy asked, looking from her younger sister to Spike.
"Spike was teaching me how to fight. He's really good."
"You were what? Wow, this has to be your most brilliant idea yet," Buffy said sarcastically.
"'s not what you think luv, I was just teachin' Bit how to defend herself. 'sides, wouldn't you rather her be beatin' the crap out of a bag in the basement then that bird at school? I'd say it's a bloody brilliant idea," he said, and she sighed.
"Yeah, and anyways, he made me take this completely lame oath about not using violence to solve my problems, and whatever he teaches me doesn't leave the basement unless I absolutely have to defend myself, blah blah blah. I mean, hello, vampire alert... talk about hypocritical," Dawn said, rolling her eyes.
Buffy again looked from Dawn to Spike before smiling. "Okay, I guess I might have overreacted... thank you for trying to help. But just, keep it basic - no blood shed."
Spike nodded. "Course... an' there was only blood that once." He watched in amusement as Buffy's eyes grew wide before laughing lightly. "I'm kiddin' Slayer, relax."
"So not a joke," she scolded and he smirked. "But I'll let you off with a warning."
"A strict one I hope," he teased.
Dawn stood. "Now is the time that the teenager goes and gets a shower to get away from the ick that is you two."
"Supper will be ready in twenty minutes," Buffy informed and her little sister nodded before leaving. "Look at what you did, you scared her away."
Spike smirked as he moved to stand behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist as he nuzzled her neck. "You're quite welcome pet," he whispered.
She turned in his hold to face him, sending him a defiant glare. "I didn't thank you."
"Oh you will," he said before kissing her.
His lips felt so good against hers, she would never tire of his touch. Everytime they kissed it felt like the first time over and over again. Still, something nagged at her on the inside - guilt, shame. Dawn might have her suspicions, but it wasn't her that Buffy was worried about. It was her friends. They would never accept her being with Spike, and then there was the whole fact that he was living in her basement... Oh God.
Buffy broke the kiss and pushed Spike away roughly. "I can't do this," she mumbled as she turned back to making supper.
He returned to his place behind her. "Can't do what luv - mutitask?"
"What? No. This... You... Any of it. I keep picturing their faces if they ever found out... how can I be with someone that my friends hate? No wait, scratch that - despise. Someone I used to despise."
He sighed against her neck, and that only made her want to kiss him more. "Then don't tell 'em. What the Scoobies don't know can't hurt 'em, right?"
"I can't just not tell them Spike... I mean, sooner or later they're gonna notice. You're living in my basement, remember? What if they go looking for you one day and they find your crypt empty? Maybe they might think you left town, but hello, you're still creeping around," she said.
"Then tell 'em."
"I can't do that! They'd think I was crazy... maybe I am. Maybe we'd all be better off if I locked myself in a cage like Angel." She heard Spike let out a low growl before moving away from her. She turned to find him opening the back door, halfway out. "Spike, wait."
He turned to face her, his eyes dark and dangerous. "Wait for what Buffy? For you to bloody well open your heart and let me in? You were right luv, I've been waiting a long time for you... too long."
"What... What are you saying?" she asked, surprising herself at the worried tone in her voice.
He sighed. "I'm saying that when you bloody well realize what you want from me, you know where I'll be. An' as much as I may love you Slayer, a bloke's gotta know when to count 'is losses an' move on. Since I'm the one leavin', feel free to skip around with your band of merry men guilt free... if you even remember what guilt soddin' feels like."
"Spike, I..." she started, but he was already gone.
Maybe he would come back. Maybe he would apologize for the things he said. Who was she kidding? He wasn't coming back until she told him things she didn't know if she could. Why was it so hard for her to let go? She had denied her feelings for Spike at the beginning, but the way he made her feel... the way he kissed her that first night had pushed through any second thoughts she had.
But he couldn't understand her dilema. He didn't care about anyone - well, aside from her, Dawn and Connor. Buffy needed her friends, they were the only family she had left. She wasn't willing to lose them, but was she willing to lose Spike?
"Buffy? Buffy, are you okay?"
Willow's voice pulled her away from her thoughts. They were at the park with Connor, sitting on a spread out blanket as the three and a half month old played on his tummy.
"Huh? Oh, yeah... I'm fine, just thinking. You know me, always with the thinking," she said, glancing to Connor. "Look how happy he is... he is happy, right, it's not just gas?"
Willow smiled. "Of course he's happy Buffy, you're doing an amazing job with him... You just get it, the whole mother thing, you're a natural. And hey, it helps that he's a total cutie, huh?"
Buffy laughed. "A natural, me, you really think? Cause here I am, full on winging it girl, no idea what so ever... Spike is kinda the baby brain."
Willow's stunned look told Buffy that what she had planned to think had instead managed to come out in words. "Spike?... You mean, he helps?"
Buffy sighed. "No. Well, yes, he was... but I kind of made him stop. I know it sounds completely wacko, but he was really great with Connor... and Dawn."
"Buffy, if I didn't know you, I'd say you liked him. You don't like him, do you?"
"Of course not! Jeez Will, you sure now how to ruin a Slayer's appetite," Buffy said, knowing her words were lies. "He's just... conveniant. I mean, he'd do anything I asked him to... like, anything. But I don't... ask him, for anything..." she said, praying that Willow wouldn't catch on to how nervous she was talking about Spike.
"Riight," Willow said with a confused smile. "On to less awkward conversation - I think Xander's going to propose to Anya! How exciting is that?"
Buffy forced herself to smile. It wasn't that she wasn't interested in talking about Xander, it was just that her mind would only focus on one stupid, sexy thing - Spike.
As if Buffy hadn't been anxious enough just being around her friends since Spike, now she had to worry about what Willow was thinking. Their most recent conversation two days ago at the park had not gone as smoothly as intended, and Buffy would be shocked if Willow didn't think something was up. That was why she had been trying her best to avoid her redheaded friend.
At least she knew one person would never hate her for her decisions - well, not in the near future anyways. And that person was her little Connor.
He was asleep in his crib that was up in her bedroom while she cleaned up downstairs. Dawn was working on her homework in her bedroom and for the time everything was peaceful. A little too peaceful. So Buffy decided to turn on the radio in the kitchen as she worked, hoping to cheer herself up. Instead...
"...I pretend that I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Why didn't I say the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a-tumblin' down
I can say it so clearly but you're nowhere around..."
With a frustrated growl, she quickly changed the station...
"...All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you..."
"Ugh - Spike!" she cursed, slamming her hand down on the radio, only to have it shatter under her strength. "Stupid songs... stupid Slayer strength... stupid Spike..."
Just as she bent down to pick up the pieces of what had once been the radio, a piercing scream filled the once again silent house. Buffy left the mess and bolted up the stairs to find Dawn standing in her bedroom, staring at the crib.
"Dawn, what's wrong?" she asked, stopping behind her sister.
"Buffy, he isn't moving... he isn't... I just came in to check on him, I swear. I always do before I go to bed and he wasn't moving," she said in a panic.
Buffy rushed over to the crib and bent down, scooping Connor's small body into her arms. She placed him gently on her bed and examined him to find the same thing Dawn had - he wasn't breathing.
"Call an ambulance!" she yelled to her younger sister as she started to perform CPR.
Buffy was no stranger to desperate situations. She had died twice herself. But this, with Connor, this was different. He was innocent, he had never hurt anyone, never done anything wrong - he hadn't been given the chance to. The thought of losing him made her heart ache and her pulse quicken. She was careful not to hurt him, she knew her strength was too much for the little boy. After all, she had cracked one of her mother's ribs when she had tried giving her CPR.
Buffy pulled away and looked down at him closely. She could see the faint rise and fall of his chest and let out a sigh of relief. But she knew it was far from over.
She was scared to touch him or move him. She didn't want to make it worse. So she sat there, staring at him, completely lost in her own world. She didn't see the room, she didn't hear anyone come in. She never saw Dawn, or the paramedics until they started to work on Connor.
She felt Dawn try to pull her back gently, but Buffy never moved - not until Connor did.
Buffy hated hospitals. She had seen so much suffering and death, she hated to be there. But she had to be, Connor needed her - and she needed him.
"Buffy? Buff?"
She turned to her little sister and sent her a comforting smile, even though she didn't feel very comforted herself. When they had gotten to the hospital, the paramedics had taken Connor where her and Dawn were not allowed to follow. Buffy had no choice but to trust the doctors, the same ones who couldn't help her mother.
"Why don't you go find something to eat?" she asked blankly.
Dawn shook her head. "I don't feel very hungry..."
"Me either Dawnie... me either."
"I wish Spike was here," Dawn whispered and Buffy gently wrapped an arm karound her, pulling her into a hug.
"Me too."
Spike knew he was stupid. Buffy had kicked him out. Well, maybe not literally, but she had sure pushed him to leaving. But he had to check on her and the little ones, he always did. Every night after he did his usual sweep, he stood by the tall oak tree in front of the Summers' house and watched. Some might call it stalking or spying... but he meant them no harm. He only wanted them to be safe.
However, that night, no one was home. Like every evening before, at that time Buffy was usually cleaning the downstairs while Dawn did her homework in her bedroom and Connor slept.
The lights were on, but the house was still.
Something stirred in his gut. This wasn't right. If Buffy had gone out, she would've shut off the lights and locked the door. She knew money was scarce, she wouldn't want her bills any higher.
And Spike knew that she wouldn't go anywhere this late - not with Connor and Dawn.
He took one last look at the house before turning and walking away. Maybe they were at the Scoobies.
Spike had searched every place he figured Buffy would be - Xander and Anya's, Tara and Willow's, even the Watcher's... but there was no sign of the small family.
His pace quickened as he headed towards his last resort - Sunnydale General.
The moment he stepped into the hospital, Buffy's familiar scent filled Spike's head. He followed it in a rush, his worry rising at the thought of one of the three people he loved more than anything lying in a hospital bed hurt, or worse.
It didn't take long to find her. She was sitting in the waiting room, her arms wrapped around Dawn in an attempt to comfort her - it didn't look to be working. But if they were out there, Connor must be...
"Spike!" Dawn yelled when she noticed him standing a few feet away. She jumped from her seat next to Buffy and ran into his arms. He hugged her tightly. "Spike, how did you know?"
He looked down at Dawn and gently wiped away a few stray tears. "I 'ad a bad feeling... what happened?"
"I went in to check on Connor, cause I always do before I go to bed, but he... he wasn't moving. Buffy did CPR and I called an ambulance... I..."
"Shh Bit, 's alright. Go 'ave a seat while I talk to Big Sis, and then we'll go hunt down some snacks," he said and she nodded before heading back to her seat.
Buffy stood when she realized Spike was standing over her. He pulled her into his arms and kissed the top of her head softly.
"He was so still," she mumbled. "I... I did CPR, and he started breathing, and the paramedics came, and... he's alive, but they don't know if he'll..."
"Shh, shh. Kid's tough, he'll pull through Buffy, you watch," he whispered against her ear.
She shook her head weakly. "You don't know that..."
"I know a lot more than you think luv, vamp doesn't live 'hundred plus years bein' an idiot. He'll be okay, even if it means I 'ave to kill a few Docs in the meantime," he said, and she smiled briefly. "Now, you should go give your friends a ring and let 'em know. You need 'em here with you. I'll take Bit and make sure she gets somethin' to eat... try and take 'er mind off things."
Buffy nodded against his chest, then looked up into his eyes, tears falling freely down her face. "Spike, about what I said, how I acted..."
"'s over with now, no need to worry your pretty little 'ead 'bout such foolish things. You need to keep strong for Connor, he needs you."
She nodded. "I need him too... and I need yo-..."
"Shh, we'll talk 'bout that later," he said, and she smiled softly before letting him go. "We'll be back soon, you'll be alright?"
She nodded again, then watched as he left with Dawn before heading for the payphone.
