Disclaimer: I do not own any/ all characters featured in this segment. I just rent them. Same goes for the lyrics to the waffle song.


How low have I sunken? I've been stuck on this for so long, I've resorted to ripping off ideas...from myself!

Well, not exactly. I changed a couple of things.


PART VII

"Well, that worked out better than expected! You got to lock lips with Zane, but why didn't I get to with Lexi? I thought you were a friggin' love god?" The two boys had managed to slink away and found themselves back at the beach. They both had towels over their shoulders, and Chazz was hissing and spitting like a soaked cat.

"I am! But-"

"I almost drowned, because of your stupid idea! Do you know how much time to takes to get this beautiful plume on my head to be the Chazziest hairdo that's ever existed?"

HIS idea? Well, how dare Chazz! Why was it that he had to sponge up the credit when a hair-brained scheme went well, but pointed the finger at the next convenient guy when it went terribly wrong?

"W-Well, I warned you, that surfing wasn't your thing! Lexi doesn't care for the sport, anyhow."

"That would've been nice to know!"

Atticus opened his mouth to remind the younger one that he had told him that, but gave up on that. Princeton was just too stubborn. Perhaps he could try cooling him down by suggesting another idea? "Awright, look. I'm sorry you almost drowned, and I'm sorry my sister didn't kiss you. But never fear: the love god's still got a couple of tricks in his diaper! Know what I mean?"

Chazz kept glaring at him, like he was trying to bore holes into his head. This unraveled the Obelisk Prince so much, he had to look away and twirl a lock of his hair around his finger, just to try ignoring it. "Well, when athletics fail to woo the ladies, there's always music. Women are very partial to artists. There's just something about the way a guy caresses a guitar that turns them on, I guess."

Chazz stroked his bony chin thoughtfully. "Music, huh? But I can't play guitar."

Atticus shrugged. "Well, it doesn't hafta be a guitar. Could be the drums, or the piano, or the flute, or the triangle-"

"Sorry, buddy. But the only instument the Chazz plays is the duel disk." If music failed, they could always fall back on that. Still, it wouldn't hurt to give music a chance; after all, that was what made the world go round. After dueling, of course. And Zane Truesdale.

"Singing's an instrument, too. Imagine: standing outside her window, singing her a classy love song...and she'll be watching you from the balcony in a lacy pink gown, sighing...as your two hearts waltz across the stars to the notes...with a nice, silvery full moon, for the cherry on top..."

"Yeah." Chazz shut his eyes for just a minute, to picture all of this. The more he did, the more driven he felt to win the girl over. Atti could see this by the slight skip in his step, and his eyes taking on the shape of fat, pink hearts when they opened. In fact, he closed his own eyes to picture it, himself. Only he was the one serenading, and Zane was the beloved on that balcony. He had the silky baby-blue nightgown on and everything!

Alas! Princeton popped the little dream bubble with, "Okay, so what song should I sing to her?"

"Huh? What? Oh, yeah. Luckily, I know tons and tons of love ballads. I'm like a Mix 100.7 for romantic songs! Oh, I already got one that could be your song when you guys get together! Baby, baby, I'm taken with the notion, to love you with the sweetest of devotion!" How unfortunate, that Rhodes believed himself to be some kind of songbird...when in reality, he sounded more like a buzzard, with laryngitis. But, you must give him credit for trying.

Chazz poked a finger in each of his ears. "Okay, okay, I get it! You've only sung two verses, and it's all butchered! What I want is a love song that tells her precisely how I feel, but with a beat and lyrics that make it a completely...original! A novelty love song! Something that's as Chazzy as I am! Oh, and it has to be something you haven't sung."

Atticus raised an eyebrow. He thought "Baby, Baby" would do just fine. And just how did he butcher it? He excused it as a petty, jealous remark of his artistic italents. Scratching his head and rolling his eyes, he took a moment to open the file cabinet that was his memory and look at all the songs that were in there. He only found one song with everything Chazz asked for, but would he agree?

"Well, there is one. And it's such a novelty, no one's ever thought of using it as a love song."

The Slifer rebel twitched his ears in curiosity. "I'm listening."

Taking a deep breath, sparing a moment to wonder if this song was appropriate, he leaned in and began to whisper in Chazz's ear.


The next morning, Atticus climbed into the air vent in the boys' bathroom, crawling about the system until he could see the hallways. Good thing he was thin and well-built; otherwise, he would've never got in! Still, it wasn't very comfortable, sitting up there on his lonesome, the icy-cold steel squeezing him from all sides. On top of that, he had a boom box clutched against his chest, and had donned a vivid green T-shirt for the occasion, decorated with plates of steamy, heart-shaped waffles and pancakes. In front of him, he had pancakes and French toast.

He waited for class to be dismissed, as planned. Chances were, he'd get detention for skipping class; not to mention, fall behind. Not that it mattered very much. He was going to get held back anyway, for having missed well over half the school year when he was a masked emo with a fetish for dragons.

When that final bell rang, all the students came spouting out of their classes, mumbling and grunting about the barrels of homework they were assigned. The commotion shook the entire vent like a rattle. It startled poor Atticus so much, he banged the top of his head against the ceiling; for just a moment, he could see a bunch of disembodied, frowning heads that looked like Zane's orbit around his crown! His ears rang like a Motorola Razor phone.

A raspy, sing-song voice brought him back to his senses: "Hiiiiiiii, Lex!" Sounded like Chazz. He must've caught up with Alexis. He shook himself to recollect his bearings, and wormed his way to peek out from between the iron bars. The two were walking, side by side. Judging by the huffy breath that his sister made, she didn't seem to appreciate Chazz's presence.

"What is it now, Chazz?"

Chazz put a finger to his chin, trying to look cute. A good technique, if you were aiming to pick a girl up. "Oh, nothing in particular, Lex. I just had a teensy question...do you like waffles?"

This made her stop in her tracks, inches ahead of the spot where Atticus was looking. Naturally, Chazz stopped with her. "What did you say?"

Princeton cleared his throat, a vivid pink blush blotching his cheeks and around the bridge of his nose. Atticus simply couldn't help but grin. If there was anyone that could bring proud old Chazz to his knees (besides Jaden on the dueling field), it would be his sister.

"I said, do you like waffles?" He had a plate of heart-shaped waffles behind his back, just as they had planned. He pulled it out for the little lady to see, smothered with syrup and a thick, melting slab of butter.

She put a hand to her forehead. "All right, fine! Yes, I like waffles, who doesn't?"

"Do you also like...pancakes?"

This was Atticus's cue to take the soggy heart-shaped pancakes through the bars, being careful to drop it onto the plate.

SPLAT! Right on top of the waffles! Alexis looked up, curious about where that had fallen, while Chazz just kept grinning. "Uh...yeah, I like pancakes?"

"Excellent! How 'bout French toast, you like French toast, too?"

Cue the toast! Atticus took two slices of crisply, heart-shaped toast (he'd cut them himself), buttered and lightly coated in cimmamon. This time, he missed the mark by about two or three inches, and dropped them into Chazz's hair. At the instant felt butter and crumbs dribble through his scalp, marring his thick and beautiful mane (he had just had it reshaped, too! Oh, the inhumanity!), he grimaced, twisting his face up even more than Dr. Crowler would if you dropped a book on his foot!

"What's wrong with your face?" Of course, Lex did notice the toast dropping from the ceiling, but was too afraid to ask about that.

Realizing he was making a face at her, Chazz clucked with his tongue and hastily dug through his hair to retrieve the French toast. "Oh, n-never mind about that! You like French toast, right?" He slapped the spoiled slices over the pancakes, flaky and crumbly and with several strands of hair on them.

The girl sucked in her cheeks as her breakfast curdled in her stomach. Not a good sign.

Eventually, she sighed, "Yes, Chazz, I like French toast. I like waffles, and pancakes, and French toast, and any kind of breakfast food...that doesn't have hair on it. But now I've got a question: why would all this matter to you?"

Here it goes...

"Thought you'd never ask!" He waved his arm in the air. "Cue the music, Atticus!"

"Wait, you got my brother to-"

At the signal, Rhodes, with the boom box clutched to his chest, made an attempt to tumble out of the vent. It took a bit of rolling around, and plenty of grunting, but in the end, he found himself diving headfirst for the linoleum! The square of iron bars made a loud CLANG as it hit the floor, making several heads turn to see what the matter was.

"WOO-HOO!" He hadn't gotten very far, at first; he got stuck in the opening by his waist and had to squirm about to break free, like a butterfly emerging from its caccoon. Chazz made another grimace. Lex covered her eyes. The by-standers were giggling and whispering to each other.

POP!

"WOO-HOO! OW!" How fortunate it was that he could turn himself over and land on his feet- or rump, in this case-, just like a cat! His head probably would've smashed to smithereens, like a watermelon! Still, it took him at least three seconds to recollect himself. Three seconds of shaking his head violently, making a loud raspberry in the process.

Smoothing out his tousled hair, he gave his sister a brotherly wave. "Hey, Lex!" He pushed the shiny plastic "Play" button on top of the boom box. Instantly, gay rock music smothered the atmosphere. Chazz scooted up very close to his lady and started singing (or rather, shrieking) into her ear:

"Do you like waffles?"

Atticus swayed to the beat and shrieked back:

"Yeah, she likes waffles!"

"Do you like pancakes?"

"Yeah, she likes pancakes!"

"And do you like French toast?"

"Yeah, she likes French toast!"

"Doo-doo-doo-doo, can't wait to get a mouthful!"

Would you want to know what he meant by "getting a mouthful"? I'd figure you wouldn't, and neither did Alexis. She started backing away from the two, as if she feared they'd jump on her. But her persistent suitor kept dancing around her, while Atticus continued to chant "Waffles!"

These next few lines, Chazz made up, to sound a teensy bit more romantic:

"Did I ever tell you that--"

"WAFFLES!"

"Your hair is the color of syrup?"

"WAFFLES!"

"You're my little pancake--"

"WAFFLES!"

"And I could eat you all up!"

"It's working, Chazz! Way to lay that syrup on her! Bring it on home, now!"

"Okay! Do you like waffles?"

"Yeah, she likes waffles!"

"Do you like pancakes?"

"Yeah, she likes pancakes!"

"Do you like French toast?"

"Yeah, she likes French toast!"

"Doo-doo-doo-doo, can't wait to get a mouthful...YEAH!"

On that note, the Slifer's face swam up to the Obelisk's, until they were just a half-inch away from making lip contact. He puckered his lips, ready to close in for that magical kiss that's supposed to mark the beginning of a beautiful romance...

Alas! He never got the chance.

WHACK! WHACK, WHACK! Right in the kisser, just like that! Everyone watched in awe as that tough old Slifer boy fell on his back, dazed out of his wit, and cheeks as red and bulbous as two tomatoes. But despite this, Atticus could see that watery look in Chazz's half-open eyes that usually accompanies the sting of blatant rejection.

His heart twinged in sympathy for the boy, but all he could say was, "Oww...that is so cold. Chazz, I told you that you should've sung 'Baby, Baby'!" It's too bad that he failed to notice the food that had been flung in the air after Alexis had smacked Chazz. In just the blink of an eye, he had the entire soggy, sticky, crumbly stack on his head!

SPLAT! Two beautiful manes were maimed that day. Oh, the inhumanity!

A thick stream of syrup trickled right down his nose, trailing over the tip. He licked up as much as he could, feeling naked in front of his peers, who were now roaring with laughter. It didn't feel like the good kind of nakedness, either, like the way one may feel just before he lays his best friend. It was the bad kind, like the way one may feel when he rushes to class without pants on, because he forgot them in his best friend's bedroom.

Alexis wrung her hands in disgust, then shooed everyone away. "All right, everyone, move! There's nothing to see here! There never was! Shoo!" No one dared to defy the commands of the Obelisk Queen, so they complied, hurrying off in hapazard directions as Dr. Crowler came storming out into the hallway. About time, he showed up.

"Mr. Rhodes! Mr. Princeton! What's the meaning of all this hell-raising?"

At first, neither of the two were conscious enough to answer. But after ten seconds, they trembled simultaneously and pointed at each other denouncingly. "It was HIS idea!"

Crowler merely shook his head. "I don't care who the genius behind this shinanigan was! I do not tolerate such rambunctious conduct at this learning establishment! And what a dreadful waste of food!" Swiftly, he pulled out a pad of paper and a menacing red pen. Furiously, he wrote up two detention slips and divided them among the boys.

How could he? Atticus was an Obelisk, and an associate of Zane's! There should be a law against giving detention to people who knew Zane!

The professor turned to Alexis. "Miss Rhodes?"

"I had nothing to do with this, sir. They just jumped out at me, singing and everything." She pointed at the open vent in the ceiling.

"Well, I never! Mr. Rhodes, I always knew you were a tad unorthodox, but this is crossing some boundaries, don't you think?"

"B-B-But Dr. C.! Chazz said-"

"I told you to do what? You suggested it first! And you said it would work!"

"I didn't guarantee-"

Like Crowler had said, it didn't matter who started it. He just reached out and grabbed them both by the ears, much to their humiliation. Perhaps now would be a wonderful time to start their sentence?

"Come with me, gentlemen! And clean yourselves up! You look like pigs!"

Chazz tried to break free, flailing his limbs this way and that. Singing about waffles was all right, but being led about like some sort of bratty toddler was no impression to make for a woman! "Hey, this is undignified! The Chazz doesn't like being handled! Except if Alexis is doing it."

Speaking of Alexis, she had had about enough. With a toss of her syrup-gold hair, she huffed and marched in the opposite direction. Watching her go drained all the color out of Chazz's persona so thoroughly, Atticus swore he could see it all in a puddle on the floor. Gee, and to think that the thorny old Slifer couldn't get any more paler!

Crowler noticed his boot in the middle of the black and sallow mess, and sneered. "Ugh, I expect that washed up, as well!"


For the most part, neither boy spoke to each other during detention. Atticus scrubbed the left side of the hall, down on his knees. Oh, merciful gods of rock, he prayed, please don't let Zane grace these hallways while I'm here. He'll think I'm even crazier than before...but can I help it? It's in my blood. My side of the blood, at least.

Chazz had taken the right side. Oh, but he wasn't doing anything. God forbid that Chazz Princeton do a stroke of tedious custodian work. Completely unbeknownst to his prison pal, he was making his Ojamas do all the scrubbing, while he just leaned against the wall, sulking about the waffle incident.

The ghostly, grotesque trio sang to make the work go faster, snapping their fingers to the beat. "Oh, do we like waffles?"

"Yeah, we like waffles!"

"Do we like pancakes?"

"Yeah, we like pancakes!"

"And you we like-"

"Shut up, already!" Chazz snarled, pounding his fist against the wall. The three clung onto each other in fear of what their Boss might do to them.

"We can't help it, Boss! That song is so catchy! That girl may not've liked it, but we sure do!" squeaked Ojama Yellow.

"Make it your national anthem and everything, but don't sing that again! Not in the Chazz's presence."

"Chazz, who are you talking to?"

"Ah, no one!" He pressed the poor little monsters against the wall with his hand, squeezing them like three office toys with their eyes bulging out of their sockets. "I can talk to myself if I wanna! Especially since now I have to do time along with you! Thanks to your stupid idea!"

Atticus tried not to argue. Arguing with Princeton was like mooning a mule: it'd kick you into next month. He should know. He'd done that before on a class trip in third grade. A kid dared him.

"Weeellll...maybe some girls don't appreciate music as much as others? Or food. I mean, take a look at the whole female population of the student body and tell me if you see a fat one."

"Get over yourself, man," Chazz snorted. "Deep down, you think they're all Plain Janes, compared to Zane."

"What's a Plain Jane?" wheezed Ojama Green. Their Boss pressed them tighter against the wall to shut them up, glancing up and down the halls. When he looked down, he spotted a girl. But this one was no Plain Jane, not in the least bit! He could tell because she left a blazing pink trail behind her, smelling like a sickly assortment of perfumes. It was enough to make him stumble backward in a queazy daze and bash the back of his head into the wall, setting the Ojamas free.

"YOW-ZA! Hey, is that a Plain Jane?" grunted Ojama Black.

"I don't think that's plain, boys. Look at her hair! It's all streaky, like a rainbow! And all drapy, like curtains!"

"Yeesh, we'd better make like bananas and split! She's got no soul, I can sense it!" So they did.

Atticus smelled the perfume and became a tad light-headed. "Pee-yew! What smells like inhumanly perfect feminine grace? Even my sister doesn't smell that bad!" He looked in the direction where Chazz had looked, and instantly wished he hadn't. The girl stopped to flash a smile that shone like an array of diamonds and pearls; nearly made the boy blind! Her shiny, round eyes...well, if you had the meatballs to look at them, you couldn't tell what color they were, because they kept changing precisely every two minutes! But for a rough estimate, you could probably compare them to gemstones.

And her breasts? Oh, just the size of watermelons. It baffled Atticus, how she could walk with those things! Eat your heart- and your ovaries- out, ladies of Victoria's Secret!

He looked at the perfume trail. "Oh, dude! We just cleaned that!" Normally, he would be polite to any girl, despite being gay. But something in his groin told him that this was no girl! From Earth, at least.

She giggled, her voice tinkling like silver bells. "Oh, excuse me, gentlemen!"

"Who are you? WHAT are you?"

She did a bow, her breasts caressing the floor. "Marianne Suzanne Anderpheonukidaleton, at your service! But you may call me Mary Sue, for short. I would ask which way it was to the lighthouse, but since I've got an intelligence quotient of four-hundred eighty lumpillion and two, I already know where it is! Ciao! Adieu! Adios! Sayonara, and Farewell!"

What did those last five words mean? Not like it mattered; why did that living orgy of colors want to see the lighthouse? That was where Zane usually sat and angsted about...everything in the whole livelong world. Woe to the ignorant soul to tried interrupting him.

But what if that "Mary Sue" didn't have a soul to give woe to? What if she snagged Zane before he even got to tell him how he felt?

Oh, as if his own sister wasn't bad enough!

I gotta do something about Sue! I'd like to boink my best friend and all, but letting my sister boink him is better than that creature boinking him!

He tried to shake Chazz back to his senses. "Chazz, Chazz! Get up! Zane's in trouble of getting raped by Sue!"

"Wh-Wha? Why should I care? Haven't you gotten me in enough trouble today?"

Atticus thought for a minute, something he hadn't done for quite some time. Suddenly, a lamp clicked on in his head. "Y'know, my little sister likes heroes."

"And...?"

"If you help me rescue Zane and stop that gnarly Sue, Lexi might fall in love with you."

At once, Chazz sat up, as erect as a flagpole. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

TO BE CONTINUED...


I am soooo sorry this was on hiatus! And most likely, it'll fall back into hiatus, because I have to get ready to move to a new place (that's down the street from where I am now). This'll be the tenth time we've moved.

Oh, and Mary Sue? Don't take her too seriously; she's just part of the joke...whatever the joke may be.