Chapter VII: The Wrong Way To Grieve

LES: The one thing that seems to be common in all videogames is that when one-half of a couple dies, the still living one dies from pure grief. I call this the 'love-bird-left-behind' syndrome.


It was not only Jak who had been affected by Keira's death, Samos was also terribly shaken. She was his only daughter, after all. Keira was a vital part of Samos' life, the only piece he had of her mother, who had been unable to survive the horrors of childbirth.

Daxter was also terribly upset by Keira's death. He, Jak, and Keira had been really good friends ever since Jak, Keira, and Samos had shown up in Sandover what seemed ages ago, when they were all still young and carefree. There was no doubt that Daxter and Keria were friends even though Daxter flirted with her constantly and Keira had to blow him off even more... they cared about each other as friends. Jak, the mute adventurous boy, Daxter, the obnoxious joker, and Keira, the tomboy... they were an unstoppable trio of friends, and now... the trio was down to only two.

But Samos had another reason to be concerned. He was worried, worried about Jak... worried that the 'group' would lose one more...

Samos and Daxter sat calmly in Jak's living room while Anastasia was in his room trying to comfort him the only way a mother knew how, a woman who had gone through an almost similar experience.

"I hope... I hope that Anastasia can help Jak." Daxter said absent-mindedly.

Samos sighed hopelessly. "I'm not sure if anyone can help Jak now." He said. "Anastasia went through a similar experience, but Jak's loss is completely different from her own for one reason..."

Daxter stared. "And what reason is that?"

"Jak's Channeling abilities, the abilities that connect him to the Precursors. The Precursor, Tiatin I think his name was, said that Jak and my daughter were soul-mates, Precursor-like soul-mates." Samos said. Daxter continued to stare, completely lost. "Did you ever listen to any of my lessons?"

"Not if I could help it." Daxter said. "Now, what about Jak and Keira being soul-mates and all?"

Samos sighed. "I'm sure you know at least that Precursors did not practice marriage as we think of it, but they had soul-mates. Every Precursor that was ever born had a soul-mate, and they only had to find them. And, when they did, they knew instantly. Age is no matter, for soul-mates, your soul-mate is your soul-mate, no matter what."

"I already know all this stuff, Grandpa Green." Daxter said. "So they are experiencing Precursor love... so what?"

"Yes, but soul-mates experience something much deeper than love." Samos said. "Due to whatever magic there is in Precursor blood, soul-mates are just that... a complete joining of two souls into one. Didn't you realize that Jak and Keira shared a special relationship... even as children?"

"You mean the fact they were like brother and sister?" Daxter asked.

"Yes. I think that, since Jak is the only known Level Five Channeler since Mar himself, he has many triats of the Precursors that Level Three and Level Four Channelers don't have. I think he lacked the prohibition of young age in the matter of love."

"Are you suggesting that Jak was in love with Keira when he was six?" Daxter demanded.

"Age is no matter." Samos said. "Jak didn't realize what he felt for my daughter was love, so he assumed that he cared for her as a brother would a sister."

"That's great, but how does that affect Jak now?"

"Don't you realize that, from the moment they met, they were not whole anymore?" Samos asked. "Jak is only a half, as is Keira. It is only when they are together that they are whole. Soul-mates have a huge dependancy on the very existance of their soul-mate. Can you even imagine how it must feel to lose part of your soul, because that was what Keira was to Jak! With Precursors, it wasn't uncommon for soul-mates to die together. As soon as one died, the other would grieve to death within a few days, simply unable to accept the fact that the one they cared about more than anything is simply not there anymore."

"Are you saying... Jak could die... from grief?" Daxter demanded.

"Unless he learns to live as a half, Jak will die." Samos said sadly.

"How come he isn't dead now, then?" Daxter asked.

"I suspect he still has the elvin ability to move on from death." Samos said. "That's why he isn't dead now. Believe me when I say I don't want Jak to die. He was like the son I never had and, even though he's a far cry from the boy I raised in Sandover, he's still like a son to me."

"Jak's not going to die!" Daxter said stubbornly. "He's survived so much already! He's not going to die from simple grief!"

"The Precursors themselves called the loss of a soul-mate the surest way to die." Samos pointed out sadly.

"So... what do we do?" Daxter asked.

"We try to help Jak get over his dependancy on Keira. It is the only chance of survival he has." Samos said.


Some time later, Jak sat quietly in his own room, alone. He felt sick to his stomach, a constant ache since he had lost Keira.

Unlike Daxter, Jak knew just how dependent he was on Keira. He knew that if he could not move on, he would die, without question. But, no matter how many times he told himself that Keira was dead and that he had to move on, he couldn't. She was a part of him and he was a part of her. When she died, she had taken back a part of their soul that belonged to her, leaving Jak only a partical soul, one that was imcomplete and flawed.

He felt more grief tear through him and he supressed a sob. Even thinking about Keira was painful now, and it would be that pain that would kill him, he knew it.

"Ironic." Jak said to himself. "Loving Keira completed my life, and now that same love will be the end of me."

But he couldn't regret falling in love with her, it was impossible for anyone to truely regret falling in love, especially when he remembered all the good times they shared, all the good times they would have shared... only if things had worked out better... they would have gotten married and perhaps started a family in a few years.

Just the thought of having a life with Keira was painful. His mind drifted back to what seemed eons ago, back to the Metal-Head Nest, before he had killed Metal-Kor. "Better to die almost painlessly now than to suffer. Soon, you'll wish you were dead..." Metal-Kor's voice rang through his memory. He was right. At times during the War of the Champions, he just wished to die... and now he longed for death to take him.

He got up with the thought of going somewhere where he could be alone, somewhere where he could just think and straighten out his thoughts. Without a word to anyone, and hoping that no one would notice him leaving, Jak went to the window to avoid running into Samos and Daxter in the living room. Once he was clear of the house, he began to move through the Spargain streets as inconspicuolously as possible. Unfortuanatly, that wasn't good enough.

A familiar voice hailed him. "Jak! Hey, Jak!"

Jak looked around and saw who it was... Sig. Other people bowwed out of repect for their newest King, but not Jak. He was simply too depressed to be respectful to anyone right now. "Sig? What are you doing here?"

"I just..." Sig paused as he walked up to the elf. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry about all this. I was the one who sent you two out into the Wasteland."

Jak frowned. "Don't even pretend that you're sorry for me." He hissed.

"Pretend?" Sig asked. "No, I really am sorry. We know how much Keira meant to you..."

"Stop it, Sig!" Jak hissed. "I don't want your pity, and I don't need it! No one can possibly know how I'm feeling right now! What? Have you ever loved someone so much that you'd literally curl up and die if they are taken from you?" Jak paused, waiting for Sig's answer. It didn't come, the Elvin King merely looked away from the young elf. Jak snorted. "See? So don't you dare pretend that you know how I'm feeling!"

Sig sighed, deciding to steer the subject off it's current direction. "If... if you need a few days... I can give that to you..."

Jak glared at the Elvin King and then spun around on his heel and stormed off.

Sig watched the elf storm away. "You're not the only person who has ever lost the people you care about." The King said quietly.


There was only one place that Jak knew about where he could be alone... out in the Wasteland. He could last longer than Haveners and most Spargains out in the heat of the desert. No one in their right minds would try to out-last the elf in the desert. After a quick check to see if any sandstorms were on the way, there weren't any, Jak moved on foot out into the reassuring heat of the desert. He wasn't even sure why he was there, or how long he intended to stay out there, this could well be another suicide attempt.

He moved over the plains until his feet carried him automatically to the very place where he had fought and killed Erol in the last battle to the death during the War of the Champions. It was kind of hard to miss the spot because of the wreakage of the huge Dark Maker Beast. Jak walked up to it and placed a hand on its Dark Eco skin. He had nearly died trying to destroy it and Erol.

Jak felt a new wave of pain and madness overtake him, crying to be released in a violent rage; and the wreakage of his former enemy was just as good a target to focus his rage on as anything. Suddenly, two large Light Eco swords materialized in his grip and he began to slash and hack at the armored skin of the Dark Maker Beast. The double blades cut through the armor easily and he contintued to attack the dead Beast.

He kept striking and he didn't stop until his arms were burning. Then he slammed the twin blades into the Beast's body and fell to his knees, his anger spent, and his rage was replaced by grief. He felt silent tears run down his face, which didn't surprise him in the least.

And then, much to his annoyance, his sensitive hearing caught the sound of someone approaching him from behind. The elf let out a low growl and got up, turning around to tell whoever it was to go away. But he stopped when he saw who it was... it was Ashelin.

Jak stared at her. The very last thing he wanted right now was to be alone with her, but he couldn't quite find the words to tell her to go away. So he simply turned away from her. All of his body language said 'go away', but Ashelin either missed the non-verbal warning, or was ignoring it.

She walked over to him until she was right behind him. They stood in silence for several seconds before Jak finally found his voice. "If you don't mind, I'd like to be alone." He said, not too nicely.

Ashelin didn't respond for several seconds. "You cant live like this forever." She said.

"You don't think I know that?" Jak asked. "I know that I'm going to die... not from Eco Poisoning or at the hands of my enemies... I'm going to die from a broken heart."

"You don't have to, you know." Ashelin said. "You don't have to be hung up on Keira forever."

Jak felt his anger rise again. "When have you ever lost someone that you love? Go away, Ashelin, and don't try to comfort me until you've lost someone who is so precious to you that you just... can't go on... knowing that you'll never see that person again... knowing that you'll never be able to love or feel love again."

"But I do know how that feels." Ashelin said softly. "I felt that way weeks ago when the man I loved told me 'no, we can't have a relationship because I love someone else'."

Jak sighed. "What I felt for Keira was more than love. Keira and I were soul-mates. She was as much a part of me as I was a part of her." He dug his fingernails into the palm of his hands until he drew blood. "And now she's gone." He looked down at the cuts in his palms. He could heal them easily if he wanted to, but he didn't. The physical pain took his mind off his emotional pain. "She's gone... and left me nothing but a shell."

"I don't think you're just a shell." Ashelin said, moving closer to the elf.

Jak glared at her. He felt vaguely like a cornered animal, trapped. "Go away now." He ordered. But she stood her ground. Jak took more direct action and started to walk away. But Ashelin grabbed his arm and whip-lashed him around. In the split-second when Jak was surprised by her forward movement, she pressed her lips against Jak's.

His surprise only lasted a few seconds and Jak recovered from his surprise. He swiftly pushed the she-elf away from him, staring at her with a mixture of anger and horror. "How dare you!" He hissed. "Keira, the love of my life, has only been dead for two days, and you think I'm ready to fall into the arms of the next woman who comes along? Didn't you hear me before? I can't love! I can never love again, even if I live! Keira was my soul-mate and nothing, not even her death or my death, can change that! I will be doomed to love her and grieve for her until the day I die!"

"Jak, just because Keira's life has ended, doesn't mean yours should end too." Ashelin said. "Keira wasn't the only woman in existance... and I still love you."

"Ashelin..." Jak paused and let out a sigh. "Even if we did start a relationship with each other, you've got to understand... I would never be able to love you the way a boyfriend should love his woman. It... it's just not possible."

"I don't care." Ashelin said stubbornly. "As long as you are with me." She leapt at Jak again and kissed him. And, much to his own horror, he began to kiss her back.

Jak's mind was screaming. No! This is wrong! This isn't right! This is a violation of nature! The Precursors never took anyone else after their first mate died!"

Another part of his mind answered. This might be a good thing. Maybe that's why the Precursors died, because they were unable to move on. Taking another girlfriend may be the only way for you to live.

But... Keira... Oh God... I might as well be cheating on her!

You can't cheat on someone who is dead. Besides, how would Keira react if she saw you like this... depressed, on the brink of suicide? Would Keira want you to mourn for the rest of your life?

That one really hit home. No, Keira wouldn't have wanted him to mourn for the rest of his life. She would have wanted him to live and move on from her death.

The two elves pulled apart, Ashelin looking slightly apprensive. She thought, at the very least, Jak would get pissed at her again. However, his reaction was quite the oppisite of what she expected.

He didn't say anything for several seconds, and then he smiled. An actual smile, something that Ashelin had only seen him wear when he was around Keira. And, now, he was smiling at her like that. She took his smile as concent and she pressed herself against the elf, letting him wrap his arms around her, as he should.

On the outside, he was everything a loving boyfriend should be, but on the inside, Jak was sickened by what he was doing. Just touching Ashelin in a loving way made him want to be sick. He felt as if he had betrayed Keira's memory by seeing someone else after her. This pretend relationship might save his life, but nothing could free him of the guilt he got from betraying Keira in the worst possible way.

This wasn't going to be love. This was going to be a joke, a cruel imitation of love. Keira... Jak thought desperately as he clung to Ashelin. I'm so sorry...


LES: Here's something I never thought I'd write... a relationship between Jak and Ashelin, even if it is only half-assed to Jak. (points at Ashelin) You stay away from him! Besides, you're just the re-bound girl!