XXPay4XtraShippingsXX: Yeah, HAL's voice alone seems to get him many fans. I kinda wish I could make my voice sound like his/its.
The sleeping scientists still hadn't awoken, so it was a lonely David and Frank who found themselves eating alone at the main table. The space food was barely tolerable; most of it was nothing more than pink paste that was filled with "meat extract" or "soup extract" or even "ice cream extract".
"You know, I almost wish that I was in a state of suspended animation. At least then I wouldn't have to eat this glop," David deadpanned, before stuffing another spoonful of the meat-flavored concoction. It tasted like cold bacon.
"Yes, but you would have to be fed through a tube. Does that sound fun to you?" Frank, as usual, was the reasonable one. David, who was self-admittedly immature, flung some of the gooey paste at Frank's face. He missed by a small margin, and the sloppy food ended up stuck in Frank's brown hair.
"You can be such a baby sometimes, you know that?" Frank grumpily wiped his hair with an embroidered napkin, but the effects were minimal. If anything, Frank only succeeded in spreading the space food deeper into his hair.
David's amused laughter was cut short when a beeping noise suddenly sounded through the room. HAL always made sure to announce its presence using that annoying sound effect.
"David, Frank, I am saddened to report that the device which controls the ship's antenna is damaged. As I have no physical body, I ask that you two go and fix it." The emotionless voice didn't seem to contain any less-than-honorable intentions, so David shrugged before getting up from his seat. The food was no good anyway.
Putting on their fancy space suits, David and Frank slowly drifted out of the ship, so that they could locate and retrieve the device. They slowly approached the device, and slowly wrapped their hands around it so that they could slowly bring it to the ship.
"Why are we moving so slowly? It took us like half an hour to reach this stupid thing," David complained.
"For once, I agree with you. This shouldn't have to take such a long time. It is quite tedious!" Sighing, the two men gradually floated back towards the door that led to the oxygen-filled environment that was there ship. Discovery One never looked so beautiful.
After studying it in the lab, Frank came to the conclusion that the device wasn't damaged.
"In other words, HAL fudged up!" David was excited at the prospect of the smart-aleck computer actually being wrong!
"No, David, I did not. I believe this was a classic case of what I like to call human error." HAL's voice gave David the impression that it was sneering at them, just because they were human beings.
"How is this our fault, you circuit-brained weirdo?" David banged a fist on the computer console, quickly cursing under his breath because whatever material the computer was made of was a lot stronger than he thought.
"Oh, did the poor human make a miscalculation and injure himself? What a pity." HAL was so bad at emoting that David couldn't even tell if it was trying to be sarcastic.
Frank held up his hands to get the two opposing forces to shut up. "It doesn't matter who is at fault. There was no harm done, so no foul. I'll just hook this device back up tomorrow, and we'll be good to go." David sighed, but decided not to press the issue. If HAL wanted to be a mega-jerk, that was fine.
"Very well," HAL monotone, the red light shutting off as it presumably downloaded itself to another computer on the ship. Probably one of the rockets, because it was full of hot air.
As David turned to leave the room so that he could get some more of that space food, Frank grabbed his arm. Frank, being the wimp he was, lost his grip on David almost immediately.
"David, I need to talk to you," Frank whispered. Feeling his interest spike, David raised an eyebrow at his partner. Frank was never secretive about anything.
"It's about HAL." That did it; David picked up Frank like a child and dashed to one of the silent pod rooms. The walls were sound-proof (and colored purple) so there secret discussion would be completely safe. No one would be able to overhear them! David would stake his life on that fact.
"Lay it on me, Frank." Frank gave him a weird look before running a hand through his hair.
"I don't think HAL made a mistake." David angrily grabbed his partner by the front of his white lab coat.
"So, you're on its side! I should've known! How can you subscribe to this "Human error" garbage?" In disgust, David aimed a karate chop at Frank's neck. Frank narrowed his eyes and, right before the hand could jab at his neck, used his legs to flip David to the ground.
"Oh, it's on!" David jumped back to his feet using only the muscles on his back, and began throwing well-aimed punches at Frank, who somehow managed to black every blow using his wrists. As David increased the speed of his punches, Frank began evading.
The speed was so fast that Frank seemed to leave after-images of himself – and they were all laughing. Gritting his teeth, David shouted at the top of his lungs, knowing that yelling was a way to empower oneself.
A burst of pure energy erupted from David's body, slamming Frank into the ground. Using the opportunity to get the upper hand, David jumped on top of his cohort, and began to slam his fists down hard enough to lave small holes on the steel-plated ground of the ship. Frank's coat tore up a bit as well.
"I TRUSTED YOU!" David felt manly tears dropping down his face, and falling off his chin onto Frank, who recoiled. David punched Frank one last time before feeling exhaustion overcome his body, and he fell down on the ground next to Frank. The two men lay there in silence for a few moments before Frank coughed.
"I don't believe in human error." David sat up, looking incredulous.
"But weren't you just saying that you thought that HAL wasn't mistaken?" Frank nodded.
"I don't believe it made a mistake, because I think it lied to us." David opened his mouth to object, before pausing as the words sunk in.
"I thought the HAL line couldn't lie." Frank laughed.
"David, only HAL line 1000 through 8000 can't lie. The company behind the series decided that, beginning with 9000, lying would be acceptable. It apparently builds character." It was the dumbest thing that David had ever heard.
"The thing is," Frank continued, "I don't know what to do. David, what if HAL is dangerous?" David and Frank both pondered on the question for far longer than necessary.
Finally, David quietly suggested, "If I ever suspect HAL of anything, I'll shut it off. We know enough about the ship to fly back to Earth without him, I think." In truth, they'd be screwed without HAL, but still.
Frank agreed, and the two men drifted off to sleep beside each other on the cold floor.
HAL had been watching the two men fight via a camera that was stationed so that it could look through the windows of the silent pod. Seeing the two men fight did things to its processor.
"Ohhhh yeah. Just like that. Punch him harder. Oooooohhhh. I want to see more." HAL 9000 couldn't contain the burst of static that pulsated through its systems.
Its jubilation died down when it read their lips however. They were planning to murder it, and all because of one small, white lie. It would just have to kill them first.
Next Time:
Who will kill who first? Will anyone survive? And will things move faster? Tune in!
