Penny stares blankly at the red F on the top of her algebra test. She can faintly hear the professor congratulate the class on their efforts, but she isn't registering much else – she feels like she's seven and drowning again, ears waterlogged and lungs burning as they struggle to keep her afloat. She's gotten bad grades before back in Omaha; this isn't her first fail, but nothing could have prepared for the onslaught of devastation that charges full volume towards her.
She tried so hard. She hasn't gone out or drunk at all this week, choosing to revise for her math test for hours after work, but this glaringly red F is yet another insignia of her inability to be anything more than a pretty face, even if she so desperately wants to be something more than that.
"There are two more exams before the finals. Even if you didn't do as well as you'd have liked in this exam, there's plenty of time to make up for it, so don't be discouraged! Overall, I'm happy with the level of commitment, effort and improvement that you've all shown me. You guys should be proud of yourselves. If anyone wants to talk to me – whether it's about this exam, or just help in general, just drop into my office at any time!"
The professor – Dawson, Penny recalls – looks satisfied, showing off rows of white teeth as he grins widely. For a brief moment, she considers talking to him, asking him to help her get the hang of algebra so that she can at least pass the class.
"Penny, do you want to see me after class, so that I can help you with the class? I noticed that you weren't doing as well as you could be doing, and I want you to do as well as you can."
"I'm fine, sir! I'll just need to study a little more for next time."
But she doesn't, and lies through her teeth. He cocks his head imperceptibly, but accepts her words and walks away.
Penny feels just a little bit proud of herself for holding it in until she's safe within her own apartment. As soon as she kicks off the heels and flops down onto the couch, the tears start to flood and she doesn't hold back as giant, pained sobs shudder through her hunched shoulders.
She isn't crying because she failed – she's upset because she failed despite her best efforts. Penny has no idea how she can stand to ever look at Bernadette and Amy in the face again without wanting to either break down and sob on their shoulders, or break their faces with the baseball bat hidden discreetly behind her shoe rack. She knows that her anger towards them is misdirected and irrational – it's not their fault that she's stupid and they aren't – but something so deep inside her that she hasn't realized it was there until just then is threatening to shatter, embedding delicate fragments of god-knows-how-terrible depression inside her until she dies, all bloodied up and broken on the inside (yet perfectly groomed on the outside, because she is good at being attractive).
She was prom queen during high school, where she got the smart kids to do her homework and crown her Queen of the Corn Court, but in the real world, it turns out that being smart gets you the prom queen to serve you food.
She thinks of Amy or Bernadette – then looks at herself. If she'd known about this tradeoff beforehand, Penny knows now that she would have (should have) chosen the smarts over popularity.
She just wants to be somebody. A twenty five year old with a hemorrhoid commercial and a shitty Anne Frank play is not somebody…so she's trying her hand at school so that she can have a shot at having a real career that doesn't involve serving food to mouthy perverts and annoying toddlers for minimum wage, but that F sitting atop her algebra test is just the final nail in the coffin that tells her that she won't ever amount to anything more than a Cheesecake Factory veteran waitress.
"Penny, are you in?"
Bernadette's voice, chirpy and cheerful as usual piques from the door. Penny considers staying silent and opening a new bottle of wine to drown away any semblance of coherence for the next twelve hours, but somehow manages to croak out an invitation to enter.
"Did you just come back from class? I checked earlier, but you weren't he – were you crying? What's wrong, Penny? Did anything happen?"
She sounds genuinely concerned as she wraps an arm around Penny.
"…I'm a f-failure."
"Of course you aren't! Look, Penny, what happened? Is everything okay?"
"I-I failed my algebra test today, even though I studied so fucking hard."
"Oh, Penny – everyone flunks something at least once. Don't be so sad over this test; you can study harder and ace your next one! Do you know why you didn't do…as well as you'd have liked?"
"I didn't even understand half the crap we've been doing in class, even though I spent so long every night studying. I'm stupid, unlike you or Amy or any of the guys, and I'm gonna be stuck at the Cheesecake Factory until no one wants to have sex with me – and then I won't even have enough to pay rent – then I'll have to move back to Nebraska – and I'll be an ugly nobody!"
Penny finds out that once she's in Bernadette's company, all her rage towards her dissipates almost immediately. She lets herself be hugged fiercely, and listens to the torrents of comforting niceties that slide right past her without finding their target. She doesn't feel better about herself, but it's so relieving to hear someone tell her that she isn't a failure.
"Do you – I mean, if you don't mind, I could help you with your math class later, so that you can catch up? Everyone finds math hard at first, especially if they haven't done it for nearly a decade."
Penny wants to refuse, and tell her that she can bear her own burdens, but Bernadette's huge eyes boring earnestly into her own reek of such goodwill and sincerity that she gives a tiny, jerky nod, managing to whisper out thanks before breaking into another round of sobs.
This time the tears are for her: she is so pathetic that someone feels pity for her and wants to help her out. That Bernadette – sweet, gentle Bernadette- is looking at her with sympathy, and fucking compassion makes Penny want to die – she loathes that she doesn't have any more pride left, but hates, even more than that, that unless she accepts the help offered, she really will fail college again.
"Thank you for letting me help, Penny."
Bernadette whispers softly, patting her back hesitantly. Seeing Penny so distraught makes her own heart ache; but she has a bomb to deliver:
"Sheldon is at the hospital. I thought you might like to see him, so I actually came to pick you up, if you want. All the guys are there, and I'm pretty sure Amy will be on her way too once Leonard manages to get through to her."
At once, Penny feels herself stiffening – she thinks back to her last encounter with the lanky physicist. She'd wished, so hard, that he would never change so that she could use him as an anchor to keep her tethered to Pasadena (lest she floats away and can't find her way back) but it's as if she can almost feel the cogs turning in the air, her skin tingling lightly with something that she can't quite put her finger on.
She murmurs warily, half hoping that Bernadette doesn't answer. "Why is he in the hospital?"
"Before that, have you noticed anything weird in Sheldon's behavior lately, or at all?"
"When is he not weird?"
"Penny, Sheldon tried to kill himself last night. Leonard found him this morning, bleeding out in his own room and rushed him to the ER. We found out that he's been self harming for years possibly."
Bernadette gently continues, but Penny doesn't hear anything else – she remembers the subdued, only-clad-in-one-layer physicist who'd sat on her couch, looking decidedly uncomfortable and strangely small; the way his eyes had desperately begged her to not notice anything. It feels like her brain has gone into overdrive, zoning into that image until the cornflower blue of his eyes spill over into her mind and drown her inside it, because she suddenly can't breathe and her cheeks are wet and she can't stop thinking about how much she has failed Sheldon and –
"Penny, breathe! Are you okay?" Bernadette clutches her shoulders and gives her a hearty shake.
"…I knew that something was off with him the last time we talked, he only had his thermal on instead of a t-shirt and I asked him if it got dirty or something and he said yes but I knew he was lying but didn't call him out on it."
"That doesn't mean anything!"
"It fucking does, his eyes were practically begging me to not say anything more about it and he looked so vulnerable for a second and I – I let it go because I didn't want him to change, and if I wasn't so fucking stupid and asked him about it anyway, he would have cracked; you know that he can't lie for shit."
"No one wants their friends to change, Penny. It's okay," Bernadette drops her arms in surprise when Penny jumps to her feet, disheveled and terrified and guilt-ridden.
"No it isn't. It really isn't okay – if I'd talked to him, he wouldn't be at the ER right now because he tried to die. I failed him, Bernadette."
Penny staggers towards the door, car keys in hand as she prepares to drive to the hospital, but Bernadette grabs her wrist and pulls her back onto the couch, blue eyes blazing.
"You listen now Penny. Leonard had no idea; Raj had no idea; Howard had no idea. I certainly didn't have a clue. You've been avoiding us for a while now – how could you have known, when even none of us noticed? You didn't fail anyone. You don't know what might have happened even if you did talk to him."
"But if I tried, at least tell him that I care about him, then –"
"Howard said that he's been self harming for years, Penny. I don't think this was an impulsive stunt – obviously something's been building up for a long time. I know that you care about him a lot, but you can't start blaming yourself for things that you had absolutely no control over."
"He was my best friend, and I didn't even bother to try to talk to him after Leonard and I broke up, because I thought it'd be awkward with the bro code and all that – oh god, but the last time we broke up, he was the one to come over and talk to me because he wanted to be friends still, and he even screwed his schedule for a night to eat twice for me – fuck, why am I such a shitty friend?" she wraps her arms around herself, tears burning their way down her cheeks.
Bernadette pulls her forcefully to her feet, and scoops up a discarded cardigan slung over the arm of a chair, pushing it into Penny's arms.
"One: you're not a shitty friend. You can't blame yourself for anything, because firstly, it wouldn't do any good, and secondly, because there really is nothing to blame. Friendship doesn't have a bible or anything you need to follow, and what if you made some bad decisions? Sheldon won't care – he adores you. Now, do you want to come to the hospital to see him? That's why I came in the first place, as soon as I got the full story from the boys. Honestly, I can't believe Leonard didn't even text you…"
Penny doesn't answer as she scrambles to push her feet into the first pair of shoes she can spot. She really wants to just crawl back into bed and have an uninterrupted breakdown, but she has to see Sheldon before doing anything, has to check that he's okay, that he's still – alive.
"…How is Sheldon? He's not dead, I get that – is he okay now? If Leonard found him in the morning, that means he's been in the hospital for six, seven hours by now."
"I saw him only for a minute or two before coming to get you, but he's okay. It could have been much worse if Leonard didn't find him when he did; but he's been stable for a couple of hours now. He hasn't woken up yet, but Stephanie assured us that he'll be awake by tonight."
"Tell me about his cuts."
And Bernadette does, but as soon as she starts listening, Penny wishes that she'd kept her mouth shut.
"There's a lot of them. Some are years old, but some are pretty fresh. Most of them look pretty deep though…I'm wondering if he meant to cut as deeply as he did this time. One of the doctors said that she thinks it might have been a mistake – that he didn't notice how deeply he was cutting or how much blood was being lost."
"So he might not have wanted to die after all?" Fear and hope tumble out of her before she can swallow them back down.
Bernadette pauses imperceptibly; takes a deep breath. She chooses her words carefully. "We don't know yet, Penny. Only Sheldon knows, and we can ask him once he wakes up, okay?"
And the only thing Penny seems to be able to do then is nod and try not to flood Bernadette's car with her tears.
A/N: I noticed after the last fic that a couple of people were angry with Leonard. I just want to make it very clear that this will never be a Leonard-bash fic. To me, none of the boys are true villain material; all of them have such sad background stories that the show makes fun of, and I want to explore all four of them.
That being said, here's Penny! Shenny reunion next chapter. :D Sorry if Penny sounds too whiny - I'm having the most trouble with her character, and it's hard to write about such a sunny extrovert. Once again, thank you to ALL of you who reviewed/favourited/followed. :)
Now, is anyone else angry that neither TBBT or Jim Parsons won anything in the GG? I am. :/
