A/N: And now the chapter you've all been waiting for... the big reveal... I am probably making it out to be a lot more angsty and dramatic than it is, but I don't care. This would make me run away too.
Mulder tried to push away the feelings of guilt as he stepped off the plane at Portland International Airport. He should never have invited Maggie out to lunch if all he really wanted was to once again swipe her address book and find out exactly where Scully was living. He kind of suspected that Maggie knew what he was up to, as she left the table three times to use the restroom or make a phone call. He'd always felt that Maggie was on his side through this whole thing, he just never knew when she'd actually pitched a tent in his camp. He was certain that if she knew the details, she would pack up her tent and camp stove and air mattress and head over to Scully's side of the lake.
He retrieved his small suitcase from the baggage carousel and headed outside to hail a cab. It was actually a sunny day, although slightly muggy, and as he stared out the window, watching green lawns and Douglas Firs fly by, he thought about how today could go.
He had gotten on the plane without a plan and by the time it landed he was still stumped. He knew that he would show up at her doorstep, but until he saw her reaction, he wasn't sure what he was going to do. It could honestly go one of two ways. She could either slam the door in his face, which would make him listen to the fates and head home. Or she could let him in and they would finally talk and maybe, just maybe they would start to heal.
He took a deep breath as the cab stopped in front of her building. Today would go down in history. It would either be the end of his life, or the beginning of his life in traction. He pictured himself in a full body cast, one leg elevated, while the bouquet of flowers next to his bed made his eyes water.
"Hey buddy, we're here."
"Thanks," he said, paying the cabbie and stepping out of the car. He walked up to the building and saw that he didn't even need to be buzzed in. That fact brought on a whole pile of emotions that he hadn't even predicted. Certainly she wasn't safe without at least a little security in her building. But maybe safety was further from her mind, now that she was further from him. But what if someone tracked her down? What if they came here and just let themselves in and she was unarmed? What if they took her away or-
He stopped that train of thought and let himself into the building. She was just fine. She was safe. She could take care of herself. She was probably even happy.
He stepped into the elevator, hitting the button for the 6th floor. He liked that she had chosen an apartment on the top level of the building. Even if there was no buzzer or doorman, at least there was that security.
The elevator dinged and he stepped into the hallway somewhat hesitantly, looking for her door. Luck placed it right in front of him. He walked towards it and knocked before he could rethink the whole thing.
He heard a dog barking inside. Maggie had mentioned something about a dog. What had she named it? Linus? Pigsty? It was the name of a Peanuts character, he just couldn't remember which.
The door swung open and there she stood. Her hair was a little longer than when she had left, but otherwise, she hadn't changed at all. The look on her face was a combination of surprise and pain, like she had just been punched in the stomach.
"Why are you here?" she spat out, noticing the suitcase in his hand. "What do you want?"
"I just want to talk, Scully. Please. Can I come in?"
She stood still for a moment, her hands on her hips and her eyes searching his.
"I have half a mind to slam this door in your face."
"I wouldn't blame you."
They regarded each other for a while before she finally stepped to the side and let him in.
He had never wanted to use the word 'overjoyed' more than he did right now.
"I assume you're not in town on a case."
"No, I'm not," he replied as her dog came trotting over to inspect him. Mulder reached down and let the dog sniff his hand, and the dog wagged his tail in approval.
"I think he likes me."
"He's a pretty good judge of character. He peed on Bill."
"I know a kindred spirit when I see one."
She smiled a little and uncrossed her arms.
"Why are you here, Mulder?" she asked again, staring him down.
"I wanted to see you."
"For what purpose?"
"No purpose, I just wanted to see you."
"Well, now you have, so you can turn around and go home."
"Scully."
"I need more than that. I need to know why you think it's okay for you to just show up here. No phone call, no e-mail, no carrier pigeon, no smoke signal-"
"Scully, stop. I knew if I gave you any warning you would go on an unexpected vacation and I would have absolutely no chance at this ever again."
"Well what do you want?"
"I want to talk. I want to try and fix this. Even if it changes nothing, I want to at least know that I tried."
"You tried? Mulder you could have tried five months ago. But you didn't say anything. You wouldn't talk to me or try to explain or anything. You just clammed up. What was I supposed to do?"
"You didn't have to run."
"Yes I did. I would wake up everyday and remember what happened, and my heart would break all over again. I couldn't take it anymore. And when I told you I was leaving, you never fought it. You never once tried to keep me there. You just let it happen. You let me think that I didn't matter to you, that losing me was no big deal. That killed me, Mulder. Every single day. Going away was the only way I could think of to lessen the pain."
"I didn't realize it was that bad."
"You never asked, Mulder! Why would you think that what happened didn't affect me? Did you think that you meant nothing to me?"
"Scully-"
"You told me that you loved me and that you wanted to be with me forever. You wanted to get married and have a house and a family. You were in love with me. And I believed you, Mulder. I wanted all of that too. Maybe I'm a moron, but when you kissed me that day, I thought we were on the same page. I thought that we had made some kind of commitment and we were together. I thought things would finally happen the way we wanted them to. And not two days later, I find you making out with Diana Fowley! What was I supposed to think? The only person I trust in the world, the person I love the most just lied to me. And then when I confronted you, you just let me rant. You didn't apologize, you didn't explain, you just stood there, like you're doing right now. You didn't care that my heart was broken, that my world was upside down. You just let it happen. You never fought for us. That's what hurt the most. The minute things got a little hard, you just shut down. It's like it wasn't worth it to you. Is it because I wanted to take it slow? Is it because you love her more and as soon as the chance came to be with her you took it? Why? Why wasn't I enough?"
He'd never seen her this hysterical before, and for the first time, he fully realized what his mistake had done. He hadn't just damaged their relationship, he'd actually killed it. He'd killed her.
"Dana," he said softly, walking towards her.
"Don't," she whimpered. He shook his head and gathered her in his arms, and she slumped against him, exhausted.
"Why, Mulder? Why did you do that to me? What did I do wrong?"
"Nothing. You didn't do anything wrong, sweetheart. It was all me."
"Why didn't you want me?"
"I did. I would have fought for you, but I thought you would be better off without me. By the time I realized that that didn't matter to you, that you wanted me anyway, you had already decided to leave. And you wouldn't change your mind. I couldn't force you, Scully."
She sniffled and he guided them slowly to the floor and pulled her into his lap.
"There had to be something. Something I could have done to fix it."
"You did everything you could. I was just so stubborn. And confused. I didn't know what to do, so I decided not to do anything. I'm so sorry, honey. I never meant to put you through that. I love you more than that. So much more."
"Do you? Really?"
"Yes, I do. I always have."
"What about her? Why did you... why were you even with her?"
"We got stuck on an elevator together. I don't know how it happened, Scully, but I would take it back if I could. That was the last time I saw her. I don't even know where she is and I don't care. I have no feelings for her. Well, besides disdain and hatred and bitterness and about 12 other things like that. I love you. Only you. I have never loved anyone this much and the fact that I hurt you kills me every day. I wish we could take it back and start over."
Her tears had slowed considerably and she leaned back from him and wiped her face.
"I want to hate you," she said finally. "I really, really want to hate you. I want to tell you to leave and never come back, but I still love you too much. That's not fair."
"No, it's not."
"I can't even trust you anymore. And I want to. Despite wanting to hate you, what I really want is to go back to the way it was. To be happy and together. But I know that can never happen now. I don't even know if we can be friends again. Deep down I think I knew it would end this way. With one or both of us hurt. I never really believed in happily ever after."
"Don't say that."
"It was too good to be true. Those two days, Mulder, not a lot changed, but I had never felt more loved in my life. And then it all came crashing down and I just... I gave up on the idea of being truly happy."
"No."
"I did. That's all that life ever gave me. Just a glimpse, and then it was taken away. Every time."
"Don't ever give up on that idea, Scully. It's not just an idea. It does really happen."
"I need you to go," she said finally, wiggling out of his arms. "I can't do this. I just need you to leave."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"I don't want to go."
"I need you to. I can't be with you right now, talking about being happy. It hurts too much."
"Okay. But I'm only going because you asked me to. Don't use this against me later."
"I won't."
"I want to see you again."
"Someday," she said, walking towards the kitchen. "Give me time."
"Scully," he said, reaching out for her hand and grasping it in his. "Don't forget me. Please."
"I won't."
"I'm booked on a flight tomorrow night at nine. You have my number if anything changes. Use it."
"We'll see."
He tugged gently on her hand and pulled her close, just for a second.
"I will always wait for you, Scully. Until you tell me to stop and even then..."
"I know that."
"I'll always be here. I love you."
She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath.
"I know, Mulder."
He dropped his hand slowly from hers and he turned and walked away. It broke his heart to leave her, and if he had his way, he wouldn't. But this time he knew that letting her go was the right thing to do. Now she knew where he stood, and if she wanted this then she could have it.
He got into the elevator and sighed as the doors closed. He had no idea when she would call him. It might be a few weeks. It might be a few years. She may never call him at all. He chose not to think about that particular path as the elevator doors opened and he stepped out. He'd have to call a cab now, which meant he would have to call information, which meant that he would probably be on the phone for a while. He sighed and pulled the phone out of his pocket, wondering briefly where he was going to end up for the night. Surely a rat trap motel. Fitting.
The phone buzzed in his hand, startling him. He almost dropped it, but managed to answer it instead.
"Mulder."
"Come back."
"What?"
"Don't leave. I don't want to lose you again. Please, just come back."
"I'll be right up."
He felt like running up the stairs, but knew it would take longer than the elevator. He stepped inside and willed the thing to go at warp speed. It didn't and the wait seemed to be longer than any elevator ride he had ever taken in his life. Finally the doors opened, and Scully was standing there waiting for him.
He hesitated, but only for a second before dropping his suitcase and wrapping his arms around her.
"I love you," she whispered. "I don't want to miss you anymore."
"Me neither, sweetheart."
"Let's start over."
He leaned back from her a little bit, wiping her tears away gently.
"Start over?"
"Just go back to how it was before things got complicated. Back to being best friends. And whatever happens, happens. We won't fight anything, and we won't force it either."
"That's what you really want?"
"Yes."
"Then that's what we'll do."
She smiled.
"Come inside. We'll order food and watch movies and talk all night. Sound good?"
"Perfect. Just one thing."
He pulled her close and pressed his lips to her forehead, knowing that simple action, especially in this moment, could direct them back to where they wanted to be.
I lie here paralytic
Inside this soul
Screaming for you till my throat is numb
I wanna break out I need a way out
I don't believe that it's gotta be this way
The worst is the waiting
In this womb I'm suffocating
Feel your presence filling up my lungs with oxygen
I take you in
I've died
Rebirthing now
I wanna live for love wanna live for you and me
Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow
Rebirthing now
I Wanna live my life wanna give you everything
Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow
I lie here lifeless
In this cocoon
Shedding my skin cause
I'm ready to
I wanna break out
I found a way out
I don't believe that it's gotta be this way
The worst is the waiting
In this womb I'm suffocating
Tell me when I'm gonna live again
Tell me when I'm gonna breathe you in
Tell me when I'm gonna feel inside
Tell me when I'm gonna feel alive
Tell me when I'm gonna live again
Tell me when this fear will end
Tell me when I'm gonna feel inside
Tell me when I'll feel alive
