The plane touched down in the early morning light. Brooke glanced down at her watch, it was barely past seven in the morning. The children had both fallen back into slumber after the plane had taken off. Megan was settled in Haley's lap while Jamie rested his head on Brooke's lap leaving his body laid across her and his own seat. She actually felt comforted with him like that. She reasoned nothing could be too serious if Jamie could sleep like that. It was an insane reasoning but it's what kept her sane throughout the hour long flight. Focussing on smoothing the boy's hair making sure each strand was in line with the others had allowed her to think of something other than Lucas, or more specifically the letters. She'd woken up when Haley called her just before five. In a rush she'd grabbed her luggage and her hold-on a last minute decision being to take the box on letters, which she'd scrambled to throw back inside of the box. When she'd been woken by Haley's call she'd come to to find herself surrounded by the letters on the bed, his last letter still firmly clutched in her hand.
She shivered as they all stood to depart the plane, Haley gently rousing her children. Brooke stretched and pulled down the hand luggage, the way he heart beat faster the second her hand held the bag made her feel like there was a bomb in there rather than a box of letters, though for her that box was a bomb. It had been sat in her closet for years waiting and now she'd read the letters she couldn't take back her knowledge. She took Jamie's hand in her free hand, holding her bag in the other. Jamie took Haley's carry on allowing her to carry a still groggy Megan into the airport. The last person in the entire world Brooke expected to be in the arrivals lounge once she arrived back in North Carolina with Haley and the children was him. But there he was. She felt utterly stunned and as she stopped in front of him words temporarily failed her.
"What are you doing here?" He looked at her like it was the most obvious answer in the world.
"I drove through the night to meet you here this morning. Don't you think we need to talk, I need more than some vague statement Brooke. We were meant to be on a flight to the Seychelles right now, going on our honeymoon. We were meant to be married." Brooke knew that he was right, he did deserve a better explanation.
"Brooke I need to take the kids home before I go to the hospital. Maybe I should get a cab with them and meet you there. I can take your bags if you want." She nodded and said goodbye to the little family, stood awkwardly with her fiancé while they watched them go.
"Need a ride?" Brooke gave him a weak smile and they began to go in search of his car. "Brooke care to tell me who exactly it is that is in hospital and if you care about them so much why haven't I ever heard anything about them." It was such a complex question despite the fact he didn't realise it.
"I had a miscarriage when I was eighteen. Nathan's brother was the father, Lucas. Lucas was my first, and before you only love. We were on and off for years and before I came back to New York for good I just realised that he would never be the person I needed him to be, that loving him was not enough when I was more invested in what we could be than he was, and that we'd just caused each other way too much pain, misery and betrayed each other one too many times for us to work. So I went back to New York and haven't seen or spoken to him since." Despite the mess of their situation when they reached his car he still opened the door for her.
"So you're telling me that this Lucas is in hospital. That you walked out on our wedding for a guy you chose to cut out of your life." He sounded a little incredulous and she couldn't blame him. Even she didn't understand the complexity of her relationship with Lucas.
"My wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of my life, aside from the fact that my family wouldn't have been there because of Lucas being in the hospital I might need to stay away from him but it doesn't stop the fact I still care, I always will we've too much history for it to just be dead. I couldn't enjoy our special day not knowing if he was going to die or not." She prayed he could understand this. "It doesn't change how I feel about you. I still want to be your wife." He pulled over and looked her over.
"I didn't even know you owned clothes like that, it's so unlike you." She felt very conscious of the fact that at five in the morning after few hours sleep she'd pulled herself together. The result was a girl that had her brown locks left with curls in them, pulled tightly back into a ponytail. She had on faded blue jeans with a white vest top on, an oversized white shirt with pale blue lines thrown on over it. "I don't understand how I could know so little about the woman I'm supposed to now be married to. Seeing you here and hearing about this guy I suddenly feel like everything I do know is a lie. You're an entirely different person here and you only just arrived." It seemed a little strong but was perhaps a correct assessment. Truthfully she wouldn't have ever left her home without being made up, hair and clothes perfect in New York. One could argue that in New York there wasn't someone she cared about in hospital but she knew that it wasn't that simple. Maybe Chris was right, maybe the New York her was an act. She did know that she should have told Christopher the truth like he had her. He'd admitted to two serious relationships prior to her and more than a few brief ones. She in turn had mentioned a couple of high school relationships and not much since. She'd told him she'd been busy building her company, which while true had not explained it all. That she'd buried herself in work to heal a heart broken by a boy she loved and their baby she lost.
He switched the engine back on and started to drive her to the hospital. They rode in silence because she didn't know what to say, or if he'd want to hear it if she did. He pulled up outside the doors and she unbuckled the seatbelt.
"I know I should have told you, but everything was so painful it's easier to pretend it didn't happen. I want to come home to you as soon as I know he'll be okay. Do you want me to?" he sighed and considered her.
"I love you Brooke, or at least I think I do. I love the woman I proposed to but I don't even know if she's real right now. I want you to come home but I can't guarantee that everything will work out. Come home and we'll talk. I don't know if I trust you anymore so if we do stay together then I need us to take time before we reschedule the wedding and you need understand that." She nodded and leaned over to kiss him. She opened the door and climbed out. She had almost shut the door before he called her name. She pulled it back open and leant in a little. "Maybe while you're here you should ask why you couldn't tell me." He revved the engine to tell her to close the door, as far as he was concerned they were obviously finished. She shut the door and watched him drive away.
"You coming in?" The voice startled her and she realised Haley had arrived while she watched Christopher leave. She nodded her head and followed the other woman into the hospital. She watched as Nathan and Haley embraced then they peeled slowly apart, the two women now both looking expectantly at Nathan for answers.
"Doctor said he went into cardiac arrest. It's what happened in high school, remember after the state championship. The doctor said that if the guy who saw him fall was trained in CPR then he might have died. They've got his heart working again so it's just waiting for him to wake up. The doctor said he might have some brain damage because there was no oxygen to his brain for a few minutes."
"Did he push himself when he was with you?" Brooke watched, almost detached as Haley, eyes brimming with tears quizzed her husband.
"You know I wouldn't have let him. I called Karen and let her know. Andy paid through the nose but he got them on a chartered flight back here. He said they should be here by midday. I just don't know why he was so reckless when he knows the risks." The words in his last letter haunted her and while it might be self obsessed she truly believed that she was to blame for this. If she had just written him back, just once...
"Brooke sit down." Torn away from her thoughts she sat beside Haley, wondering where Nathan had gone. "What happened with Christopher?"
"He just wanted to know who was so important I had to run out on our wedding. I've never really talked about my life here so he didn't know. I don't think he believes me when I tell him I love him." Haley looked soulfully back at her.
"Brooke I know you love him, but that implies a simplicity that just isn't there. If you've moved on enough to be marrying someone else I don't see how anything could have torn you away, especially not an old lover whom you have done everything within your power to avoid for almost six years now. And I have held my tongue all this time but you need to start asking yourself some pretty big questions because we both know none of us would be sitting here right now if Lucas hadn't run himself into the ground because you were getting married. If I thought you didn't still have feelings for him I'd just say he was an idiot because he was well aware of his health problems – but I don't think he is an idiot. If you were really over him by now you would have been able to come back here, to visit us. To speak to him, to even just write him and tell him to stop writing you. But I know you Brooke and I know that you're still running." Brooke felt completely stunned by her friend's outburst.
"That isn't fair Haley." Haley held a hand up to stop her.
"Listen to me Brooke if you want to marry that New York guy then I will support you but if you want that you need to leave before he ever knew you were here because he will spend forever waiting for to come back if he knows you came now. I don't want him risking his life because he believes you'll come to him. I'm going to get coffee." Haley stood and marched away from her, leaving Brooke wallowing in her guilt. She blamed herself for where Lucas was but it killed her to know Haley blamed her too. Nathan probably did as well. They all knew that by ignoring him for so long she had pushed him to this.
"Where's Haley?" Brooke blinked in surprise at the voice.
"Coffee, she went for coffee."
"I'm going to go find her." Brooke nodded and watched him go. She couldn't stand the idea of hating Haley but knew she couldn't go back to New York without seeing he was okay with her own eyes. Besides Haley hadn't wanted him to know she'd been here, but he was still unconscious. Tentatively she moved towards his room, vivid recalling the last time he'd been here. She stood in the open doorway seeing him for the first time in years. He looked the same and yet completely different. His hair was at the perfect length, like it had been back when they'd first become exclusive in senior year. Despite the situation, the years and the drama her body still felt more alive when it was near to him. She took another step inside, then another until she was hovering next to his bed. Her brain told her to go, he could wake up any second. Yet instead she sat. Looking at him now she could hear his voice in her head, reading the words from his letter. His voice stumbling over words as he tried to make it plain to her how he felt.
In the night I hear you speak
Turn around, you're in my sleep
Feel your hands inside my soul
You're holding on and you won't let go
Years and miles separated them despite the fact they were now in the same room. Yet she acknowledged that there had been no way on this earth she would have been able to stay away knowing he was so ill. She'd spent so long cutting him mercilessly from her heart and yet now he was here, now she saw him she knew that underneath it all he was still inside her.
I've tried running but there's no escape Steel bars, wrapped all around me
Can't bend them, and I just can't break these...
I've been your prisoner since the day you found me
I'm bound forever, till the end of time
Steel bars wrapped around this heart of mine
She still loved him. The thought was like a bullet to her brain, causing an explosion within her as she realised the truth.
And with every step I take
Every desperate move I make
It's clear to me
What can all my living mean
When time itself is so obscene
When time itself don't mean a thing
I'm still loving you
With horror she realised the years she'd spent believing she was done, this was over and she could control her feelings just as easily as she could control her company. That she could dictate to her heart to stop loving him, that because he'd hurt her and betrayed her, caused her more pain more times than she could even remember that she could forget loving him. That she could move on, love another the same as she loved him because love wasn't supposed to be like what they had. It wasn't supposed to be so destructive to them and the people they came into contact with.
Steel bars, wrapped all around me
I've been your prisoner since the day you found me
I'm bound forever, till the end of time
Steel bars wrapped around this heart of mine
The most disturbing thought of all was that this love had survived the past ten years then she knew without question that no matter what she did she would always love Lucas Scott. The man had stolen her heart and that was that. And she cursed him for it.
Song is Steel Bars by Michael Bolton
