Love by Lambert

AN: This is a slash chapter, if that's not your thing, feel free to skip it . For everyone else, enjoy!

This is totally nuts. I just wrote it all in a CRAZY mood. CRAZY I SAY! -.o Don't expect heaps of logic.

Lambert actually gives real advice in this one! Gasp!

Chapter Five: Tymmie Brings Sexyfront!

There were a few things that this relative half day of relationship counseling had taught Lambert about his inner self. One, he was unnaturally attached to his sofa. Two, he thought that Catty needed a cooler wardrobe. Three, Serena hates Teen Titans, and there fore must be destroyed. Four, people who get senior discounts at IMAX theaters should no longer be permitted to have sex, especially with minors- especially with minors with Easy Bake Ovens.

Little did Lambert know, these life lessons would ultimately never be useful again as they happened under utterly bizarre occurrences. He would, however, be ever wary of Easy Bake Ovensfor the rest of his hate mongering life.

His inner voyage of self discovery was effectively shipwrecked when he heard angry shouts from beyond his office door. Startled, he slowly stood up, hesitantly approaching the door, "Doris? Is something amiss?" He said in his best 'concerned' voice.

"Dr. Bertlamb, I need your help!" Came the frantic yelp of his secretary, the sound of a stapler being loaded echoing the area. And yes, Lambert just knew it was a stapler, the ways of all office supplies were ingrained into evil overlords' minds during basic fiend training.

Lambert quickly drop kicked the door open, not even thinking about the cost to replace door hinges (roughly three dollars, but Lambert is a cheap bastard), as he came out.

"What's wrong Doris?!" His eyes practically bulged out of their sockets as he saw the pair that were harassing his poor, helpless secretary.

Tymmie and Karyl stood in front of the receptionist's desk, Karyl was leaning against the wall and lifting up his sweater, showing Doris his stomach piercing, while Tymmie hovered on the counter, purring slightly.

Tymmie winked coyly, "Hey, babe, want to see my dark side?"

Lambert's face twisted in nausea for various reasons. One, Doris was approximately seventy years old and had a huge hairy mole smack-dab on the middle of her forehead. Two, Karyl's stomach was so pale it reflected sunshine onto said mole, making it glow slightly. Three, that was the worst pickup line in the history of forever! Lambert had taught Tymmie better than that! He hadn't even used the coveted "Baby you must be an adverb because you sure do modify me' bit. And four, Lambert found himself yet again making a mental list in his head.

"Hey, you kids cut that out!" He said for good measure, shaking his fist into the air.

The pair of buffoons both ignored him, as Tymmie focused more on the secretary, "Why don't I show you a full moon-AGK!"

As you could assume, Tymmie was cut off by Doris launching a staple into his eye with her fully loaded stapler.

"THE PAIN!" He screamed, clawing at his eyes, running about frantically.

"Tymmie stop! She'll just shoot you again!" Karyl recommended as helpfully as he could, still trying to get Doris to see his awesome belly button bling.

"I'm going to call the authorities!" Doris said, dialing the 'authorities' who were now on speed dial due to the raccoon incident a few moments ago.

Lambert slammed his palm into his face, now flustered. Why did people equate 'counselor' with 'baby sitter'?

"That's it!" He proclaimed, rolling up his sleeve and shaking his fist with newly found vigor. He stormed over to Tymmie and proceeded to smack him across the face, "Buck up! That's only a tiny bit of metal lodged in your eye! In MY day, people impaled each other using fish bones!"

Tymmie looked at him in amazement, completely forgetting about the possible tetanus he was acquiring in his eye. He squinted, wincing slightly as he irritated the metal, "You seem really familiar."

But Lambert ignored him, already focusing on his next target. A finger was thrust into Karyl's face, "And you! Pull your shirt down goddamn it, belly button piercings were so over in the nineties!"

Karyl lowered his sweater, ashamed.

The love doctor was on a roll now, as he stomped over to the desk, taking the phone line and ripping it in half only using his teeth, "And you missy!" He said wagging a finger, "Um…Don't make phone calls!" He paused, "And you should probably stop with the shooting people in the eye thing."

Doris slowly lowered the phone piece onto the counter and placed the stapler back in the filing desk. "Now I can't order pizza," She said somberly, head hanging.

Lambert clapped his hands together, "That's the end of this chapter."

But it wasn't!

Karyl looked at the crazed relationship fixer, "Are you the counselor?" He asked carefully.

Lambert stared at the young man, then at Tymmie, then back to Karyl. "Oh god no." He proclaimed as reason dawned upon him.

"Stanton said to come here for our relationship problems," Tymmie stated matter-of-factly, "He said a Dr. Bertlamb worked wonders on his uber secret love affair with Serena that everyone knows about already."

Lambert's fist clenched. Damn that Stanton! He had thwarted him yet again! He evaluated the newest couple, "Doris, how much are they paying me?"

Doris held up a money-sack, that's right, a sack full of money with a green dollar sign painted on it, "This much!"

He sighed and placed his hands on his hips, walking over to Tymmie. In one swift movement he removed the staple from his eye without any pain, because he was that damn cool. "Come into my lair-I mean office," He said tiredly, walking into his office with the busted door, gesturing for them to follow him.

As soon as everyone was situated, Lambert turned to his newest clients, "So, what can I help you with? Girl troubles? Friendship spat?"

Karyl's eyes became shifty as he glanced around the room, he said in a whisper, "Actually, I think my boyfriend's gay!"

Lambert's fragile grip on sanity became as frictionless as a slip n' slide, "WHAT?!" He proclaimed, looking at Tymmie, "YOU'RE KARYL'S BOYFRIEND?!"

Tymmie appeared rather confused, as the former staple-punctured eye had hindered his depth perception slightly, "Yes?"

"AND YOU'RE GAY?"

Karyl's mouth hung open, "Hey, I whispered that to you! That means I wanted you to keep it a secret!"

Now it was Tymmie's turn to look mildly offended, swerving in his seat to look at his boyfriend, "You think I'm gay!" He proclaimed.

"Well, you are awfully color-coordinated…" He trailed off.

Tymmie's eyes attempted to widen indignantly, "I only wear black!"

"That's matching!"

The Infidi Follower stared at Karyl, "You only wear black too!"

Dead. Silence.

"OhmygodI'mgaytoo!" Karyl cried in terror.

Lambert stood up abruptly, slamming his palms on the desk, "Everyone calm the hell down!" He growled, clearing his throat, "Let's just get to the bottom of this, alright?" The pair of idiots shut up immediately recognizing Proper Authority when Lambert demonstrated it.

"Now…." Lambert trailed off, straightening his imaginary tie, "What exactly is the problem here?"

Karyl seemed even more uneasy as he became wary of the one-eye death glare Tymmie was sending, "I'm pretty sure my boyfriend's gay."

"Am not!"

"Tymmie, please," Karyl cut him off.

"Wait, you said Tymmie is your boyfriend?" Lambert clarified, trying to make sense of this surely opiate-induced, batshit, scenario.

Karyl nodded.

"So…that would imply that you're….dating?" Lambert chose his words carefully.

Two nods.

Lambert directed his stare from Tymmie to Karyl, inwardly thinking that his protégé could do much better than Karyl, "Then wouldn't that make you…gay?"

"NO!" The word was screamed by the pair, and Lambert felt himself rocketed back in his chair a bit.

"It means we're in a gay relationship!" Tymmie explained indignantly.

Lambert shook his head, "How is that different?"

"We still like the bitches," Karyl clarified bluntly.

"I…see…" Lambert said, still totally not getting it, but deciding to move on because time was money. "And what's the problem?"

Tymmie crossed his arms and huffed, "Well, since Karyl thinks I'm gay, it's OBVIOUS that we aren't in an open relationship!"

"I'm as open with you as I can be, Tymmie, you are part of a band of traitors!" Karyl proclaimed with flourish, clasping his hands over his heart.

"But our love can't grow with secrets!" Tymmie continued.

Lambert listened to this exchange and did the only thing he thought was suiting. He slapped them both across the backside of the head. "First thing first, this is Bertlamb's house, and in Bertlamb's house we don't whine about non-growing love in a sensitive manner. Kapiche?"

Both nodded, their heads throbbing slightly.

"And second things, well, second. We're men. Not pansies." He shook his head, "Repeat: Men. Not Pansies."

"Men. Not Pansies," Karyl replied, followed by Tymmie.

Lambert folded his hands on the desk in front of him, "Now, without epic poetry or a crud load of feelings, what's the issue?"

"I think Karyl's just jealous of my obvious sex appeal," Tymmie shot out, and it was apparent that he had been wanting to say that for awhile.

"What! I am so not! You're bald!" Karyl protested.

"Shaved, not bald! That's dangerous and rogue. The chicks dig that." Tymmie responded quickly.

"Oh yeah? Then why is it that you always get fake phone numbers?"

"I do not! Puh-lease, Karyl, I brought Sexyfront!"

The counselor cleared his throat, "It's Sexyback." Lambert was a huge Justin Timberlake fan.

Tymmie blinked owlishly at him for a few seconds, "That doesn't make any sense."

"Well, I think that our relationship isn't as open as it should be!" Karyl broke in, determined to get away from the discussion of Tymmie's sex appeal as it was making him think impurely.

Tymmie looked at his not-gay boyfriend, "I'm always honest! Except when I'm not."

Lambert stared at Karyl levelly and said, "He has a point."

"But when do I know, Tymmie? When do I kno-ho?!" He proclaimed dramatically, "I can't read your mind Tymmie!"

There was a pause, before Tymmie angrily yelled, "Hey, yes you can!"

Normally, Lambert would reprimand Tymmie for bursting out a secret, his telepathic powers, like that. But to be honest, he had a migraine and was hella bored. That's right, hella.

"So let me see if I'm following this," Lambert said, raising his hands up, "Tymmie thinks Karyl's jealous of his sex appeal, and Karyl thinks that Tymmie needs to be more honest?"

Both seemed to consider this, before nodding.

"Want to know what I think?" Lambert prodded, his voice sickeningly sweet.

"Um…sure?" Karyl supplied.

"You are both idiots."

The pair gaped at the love doctor with obvious astonishment, and Tymmie whispered at Karyl, "Can he say that?"

"Come on, people. Let's be truthful, as Karyl seems to hold that in high esteem for some bizarre reason, neither of you are exactly God's gift to bitches." Lambert continued, the pair looked mildly offended at first, then decided to shrug it off, because in denial they were not.

Lambert sighed before speaking again, "And honesty in a relationship between you two punks? Karyl you were, in essence, flashing a seventy year old woman, and Tymmie was hitting on that seventy year old woman. Now, it may be something in the air around here, as recently a lot of people have been canoodling with senior citizens," Lambert inwardly cringed when he thought of Dungarees, "But I think it's crystal clear that both of you lack moral fiber."

"But, what do we do, All Mighty Doctor?" Tymmie pondered aloud.

"It's obvious. Be evil, be horny, be young." Lambert bestowed upon the newer Followers. "Don't whine about honesty and all that crap, because it makes you sound like a bunch of man-daffodils. And everyone hates man-daffodils."

Silence reigned as the boys mentally digested this like a hawk literally digests rabbit road kill.

"Processed?" Lambert chirped sweetly.

They shrugged.

"Kinda," Tymmie muttered.

"I guess," Karyl mumbled.

"Great! Now get the hell out of my office!"

Up Next?

Jimena/Collin

Tianna/Derek

Vanessa and the one guy?