12/30/2012
Dear Diary,
Christmas was... too much. I invited my friends to have a sleepover sort of thing, because silly me, I thought it'd be fun. I don't even know why I asked Jade to come in the first place, all I know is that I shouldn't have. Jade always brings drama to the scene, and this time I saw...I remembered something that I honestly wish I hadn't. I had been keeping away every negative thing about my life, every bad day or bad memory but not this one, I still have the image of Beck and Jade acting like a real, committed couple in my head, and the thought of how awful I was to her.
I learned all about the end of their relationship, everything single terrible detail that I so desired to know, and yet I didn't learn much of myself. I slept with him, twice! I know it's not much and I keep telling myself that sex it's just sex...but...I don't even know. Oh, and even better, Andre told me he knew about the whole thing, that he and Robbie figured it out and never told us because they were scared that Jade would find out about it through them, and blame them. Great isn't it?
I talked to Beck, about the memory, he apologized, as always, but I have this weird feeling that it isn't as simple as it seems to be. I need more memories, I know I might regret it, and I know they can end up being horrible just like the one I got on Christmas night, but I need them. I need to know what happened, from my point of view not Andre's or Beck's, I need to know what I was feeling and thinking. when I decided it was ok for me to because the other woman.
I shut the new, hard cover and thick pages diary I just bought. I can't afford to loose any more written memories. If I hadn't been carrying the old one, or decided to spend a little more money on a good quality notebook. Apparently old Tori didn't find personal thoughts and memories something worth spending money on, unlike having a matching bra for every freaking pantie, sometimes I mismatch them just for the sake of it.
I grab my things and run downstairs, Robbie is throwing a party to celebrate, and let the whole world know that he officially has a girlfriend. I don't know what he did, but ever since Christmas he and Cat have been inseparable, they fight all the time, about a dream either of them had or something his Grandma or her brother said but it doesn't take more than a few minutes for them to get all hugsy and cute again.
I get in my car, and drive off to his house, it's not very far away so it doesn't take me longer than ten minutes to get there. I walk inside, and I can see Beck's truck parked too, these past week has been, to say the less, weird. I don't want to lead him on, but things have been different since I got that memory back. I just have to sort thing out with myself before worrying about a relationship.
"Tori, I'm so glad you could make it!" His house is decorated with several life size cardboards of him and Cat, and it's quite disturbing. I greet both of them, and go inside the backyard where the party is actually being held, and the decoration is much more appealing. Everything is pink and blue, there are a couple of cupcakes towers and balloons everywhere.
"Hi guys" Beck smiles when seeing me, and puts his arm over my shoulder. He's so perfect, and yet...
"Am I the only one who thinks those cardboards are creepy?" I grin at Andre's comment, it's the best way to describe them.
"If you think about it" Beck begins "it's kind of awesome..."
"So..." I have been drowning with everything that has happened this week, the demands to become a proper pop star and all of my friends thinking that I'm crazy...and then there's Beck. The boy I've had a crush on since day one at Hollywood Arts, leaning in. Every fiber of my body tells me to kiss him, I know how much of a good kisser he is, and every time we're together I'm half in half. Half of me is paying attention to him, and being rational, he has...had a girlfriend, and we're just friends. And there's the other half, that thinks about those incredible lips, and what wouldn't I give to be with him. Right now, eighty percent of me tells me to go for it, kiss him, be with him just like you've always wanted.
But it wouldn't be right, not when he just broke up with Jade, and even thought we don't get along, she's kind of my friend...and friends don't do these things.
I pull away, and he runs his fingers through his hair disappointed. I'm doing the right thing...I have to be...
"what happened..." I say out loud, bringing both Beck and Andre's attention "why didn't I kiss you?"
"what are you talking about Tor?" I look around, and break away from Beck, standing in front of him.
"why didn't I kiss you at the Platinum Music Awards?"
"I think I should...go..." Andre walks away, and I scratch my arm.
"why would I kiss you on the janitor's closet, and not kiss you at the award?" I pull him into a corner, and lower my tone of voice "what happened between me and Jade?"
"I don't know"
"what do you mean you don't know?!" How can he not know, it says in my diary I have no secrets with him! And I had to have an specific reason for it, I couldn't just change my mind all of the sudden, specially when he was back together with Jade!
"I don't know, you never told me, one day this friend of mine, Moose he came by to visit and..."
"Moose?" what kind of name is that?
"He's Canadian..."
"oh, right" I lean against the white picket fence and look at him, almost forgetting about the real issue "but what does that have to do with anything?"
"right, well I don't know you, Cat and Jade went crazy over him and after he left Jade did this song...thing...and we got back together, but you never behaved the same way with her, I don't know why"
Why would Beck's Canadian friend change my thoughts about Beck? If I was into the guy, I should've just hooked up with him not the one with the girlfriend...
Hello everyone! Yes, I got over my mental block and I'm hoping to get on with Back in Time! If anyone is interested in this story, please let me know so I can continue with it, or not. Love all of you,
- Kiribati
