Mr. Grossman sat there, staring, awaiting my response.

My mind was racing. I was debating on how much should I tell, as the course of my relationship with Mulder was a huge time span to convey to my clueless dinner companion.

I would simply have to tell the truth and let everything go as it may.

The unknown possibilities produced a sick feeling of dread in the pit of my body. I was also oddly content with the idea that I could share my inner emotion on this subject with someone for the first time.

I discovered however, at that moment, that I did not know how to express myself fully.

As a woman in her mid-thirties, I still had not learned how to portray effectively what I felt. My mother had always complained that I was not an easy child to coddle, because I always struggled with making my needs known for what I felt.

I was not sure even, at this point, what it was that I felt.

I loved Mulder, this was evident. But where did I see us going? I was a strong, Type A personality. The fact that I had not created a few realistic scenarios of where we could be headed in the future showed me what I had always known but chose not to assess in depth: I was running from it all.

Love was a complicated matter. It's shown as the most magical and intense emotion that someone can feel, and I do not deny that.

But, there are so many other emotions that come with it. Ones that are far more complicated, and ones that could break a person if they were not ready. Fear, mistrust, and the threat of loneliness, just to name a few. I had experienced more of these feelings, after coming to the realization that I loved him, than the feeling of love itself.

All those years ago, I had unconsciously made a choice that was bearing down on me today: the choice to love Fox Mulder.

There was a constant battle within me.

Yes, I had made the choice to love him, but I had also decided to limit myself in the process. It was a huge contradiction that I had been living. After all these years, I did not see how it could be changed now, if we were ever to take it to the next level.

I did not see how I could change.

This was something I had never before considered.

"'Mulder and I have been working together for about 7 years now..." I began slowly, not really aware of how to make the introduction.

"Yes, I am aware of that part. The X-Files," he stated. I nodded in agreement, but his eyes pressed me on.

"I really have no idea where to go from here," I confessed, referring to the way in which he wished me to give him the information he was curious about.

I found, however, that it could also refer to the state of my relationship with Mulder.

"I know what you meant originally, although your afterthought is somewhere to begin. Tell me the truth, do you love him?" he asked. I stared back into his eyes before looking at the napkin in my lap. I could feel my face harden with each moment.

"Yes," I choked out after a long pause.

Finally, after I felt the adrenaline cease, I looked back up at him.

"That fact that you fight your desire is your biggest issue, are you aware of that?" he said.

I sat silent and bewildered once more, before he continued.

"I was asking you if you loved him to see if you would deny it or not, which you were debating long and hard over. I can read that you love him, that part blares itself boldly in your mind and your heart. I've never witnessed a stronger vibe. Even if I did not have my 'gift', it would be obvious," he said.

"I love him, I do very much," I said in a soft voice, feeling weak, but with the desire to fight this emotion with all the power I had.

"Does he feel the same?" he asked in bold manner.

The doubt that resided in the pit of my soul began to pulsate forward. I believed very strongly that Mulder loved me as well. At this point in our relationship, the unspoken hope of what could be was bright.

But, he and I had never conversed about "us". Once again, I contemplated his dedication and his pursuit of the things he wished for. When Mulder wanted something, he did all he could to get it.

So why were he and I still in the dark about all of this?

Although it is one of his qualities that has driven me to my breaking point time and time again, I have always felt as if his fierce disregard for the rules would be a catalyst for he and I to move forward together.

Truth be told, I was waiting for Mulder to initiate. If he were the one to initiate, then I would feel wholly that it was what he always wanted. In fact, I would be comfortable.

But , if I were the one to openly express my feelings first, I would not only be embarrassed, but it is my personal belief that if he did feel nothing, he would pretend that he did for my benefit.

I would not take Mulder's pity. That would be far worse than rejection.

"I don't know," I said honestly. It was the truth. Mr. Grossman sighed angrily.

"You do not know for sure. But you mentally stated shortly after my question that you strongly believe he loves you. That's enough to act on. But you're terrified, aren't you? A woman such as yourself does not allow for much affection. This must be hell for you," he stated, and took a sip of his wine.

"I suppose it can be, yes. But, I am not unhappy in our current situation," I defended.

Mr. Grossman glanced up to argue with me on my previous statement, but luckily the food had arrived. I smiled at the waiter in appreciation, my mind lucky to have gained a small break.

We began to eat, and I was pleased with how well he did not press the subject.

"I only gave you a moment to collect yourself, but I will continue to press this subject," he said, almost laughing. I raised my brow. "If you spend all your time alone thinking about this man, I'm sorry to tell you, but you are not happy with your current situation. The 'Mulder' portion of your mind is a vortex of ever changing desire and confusion," he said after a few minutes.

The part of me that wanted to cringe at how melodramatic he had made it seem, was stifled when I swallowed a bite of my food.

"Explain that part to me, if you don't mind," I asked, after a moment.

I could not believe I was in the middle of an intimate discussion with a stranger, but we were far too surrounded in the depths of the issue to simply drop the topic.

Also, I could not understand why he felt such strong interest, but we continued regardless of this thought.

"You see, your mind is ridiculously organized. You make clean cut decisions, you know always know your next move. And the moment Mulder comes into your mind, your processing is shaken," he said.

"Why is that?" I questioned. If he loved to convince others of his "abilities" surely he could answer this.

Mr. Grossman rolled his eyes at the thought, and suddenly I found myself think of an apology inside my mind. He cleared his throat to continue.

"You think you know what it is that you want, but you don't. If Mulder were to walk in right now and profess his love, what would happen?"

"I would savor the moment, I suppose,"I murmured.

This was a bit of a lie. Truthfully, I had no idea what I would do.

I had wished on Mulder for such a vast amount of time that I had ultimately forgotten how to process our future in realistic fashion. Actually, I believe I stopped planning when I knew I loved him.

I had never truly considered anything else happening.

That is, until this moment.

"Let's say he asked you where you wanted to go from there, after his confession. You would have no answer?" he asked. I nodded, becoming uninterested at this point.

I was too caught up in my own thoughts to answer intelligently. We ate in silence.


"You need to make some decisions," he said after we finished our meal.

We were walking out of the restaurant.

"Yes," I said, still not fully involved in the present, with all thoughts on Mulder.

"To answer a question you had some time ago, I was strongly interested in this topic tonight because at some point, I feel as if I were in a similar situation that you are in now. Not over a relationship, but... my career. I had not planned far enough ahead, I waited too long, and I became overwhelmed when I tried to grasp at the chances given to me. Now I'm rogue, living in secret. I'm bitter. I do not want the same future for you. Stop running," he explained.

I looked up at him to see him gazing down at me. For some reason, I deeply appreciated his caring gesture.

"I wish I could tell you that all of this cleared up my mind, but I feel more overwhelmed now than I did before. I do have more direction, though, I admit. Thank you, for everything," I said, and pointed to the information he had given me at the start of our evening.

My mind flashed to Mulder immediately, but I quickly shook the thought. He smiled.

"I would walk you to your car, but I know that you want to be alone," he said, and I nodded. After he shook my hand, we began to walk our separate ways.

Then, I heard him call my name, shortly after.

"If you don't mind, I would prefer if you did not tell anyone about my confession. Especially The Gunmen, or whatever they're called. They scare me, they know too much, especially the little one. A little mystery never hurt anyone," he said.

I smiled to agree, and watched him walk away.

Had he referred to Frohike as the little one?

I walked to my car in a daze. This was a night I would not forget. It had not gone in the direction that I had assumed it would by any means, and I had never been on a date where I talked about another man.

But, then again, Mulder was not just another man.

I would be lying if I said I was alright.

I was shaken from the purge and admittance of emotion, and all I wanted was to get home as soon as possible so that I could contemplate everything that I needed to on a full scale. But, I felt it necessary to remark that although I was uncomfortable with my own ignorance on the future of Mulder and myself, I had a determined drive for the future, now.

A blazing fire had been ignited within me.

Things were going to start to change.