A/N: In which Kuroko's wife is pregnant, the KnS are dorks and Midorima is so fucking done.
"Are you sure that she-" Kuroko began, scaring the hell out of Midorima, who was on his lunch break. Ha. "Lunch" at one a.m., consisting of several cups of coffee and a can of redbean soup. Midorima hated working overtime, but it was a necessary evil. He just wished Kuroko would stop with his old habit of being Casper the (Fucking Annoying) Friendly Ghost. More like poltergeist.
"Tetsuya," Midorima said flatly, "stay off WebMD and Wikipedia. Your wife is FINE."
Kuroko eyed him dubiously. "How do you know?"
"I'm. A. Doctor." Midorima wondered if he was allowed to hit someone. Just a little bit? He decided not to push his luck (he left his lucky item in his locker), and cursed Akashi for the hundredth time for recommending Kuroko to this hospital. "Your wife is perfectly healthy."
"But I want to know if it is normal for her to crave vanilla milkshakes with soysauce."
"It's normal. Don't you have a family doctor who you can bother with your comically irrelevant questions? Or Akashi?" Midorima snapped. He hadn't slept in twenty-one hours.
"Yes, but they aren't open at one in the morning, of course. Akashi is busy, it would be rude of me to bother him."
"Uh-huh." So it was alright for him to bother Midorima? Violence was growing more tempting by the minute.
"Also, I don't want you to deliver my baby. I don't want you to see my wife naked." Kuroko said frankly, making Midorima choke on his coffee.
"I don't even work in the same BUILDING as the maternity ward." Midorima sighed. He checked the clock. Back to work. "If you'll excuse me, Tetsuya..."
But it didn't just stop at Kuroko. Oh no, his voicemail was full of messages from Kagami like: "Tetsuya's wife wants me to cook her fried rice with chocolate sauce...um, is that okay?"
There was also Momoi squealing his ear off: "You just HAVE to see the baby shower I'm planning—Kuzunari is wonderful help! Oh they'll have the cutes baby-"
Then Daiki would steal the phone. Aomine couldn't STOP talking about how: "If it's a boy I'm going to teach him basketball. Heck, if it's a girl I'm going to teach her basketball. No child of Tetsu's will go without basketball. Oh, Akashi and I will beat up her first boyfriend."
"Dai-chan!" Momoi would scold, and they'd bicker until the voicemail cut them off. Idiot couple.
Then, there were the ever infuriating emails from Akashi, dripping with false sympathy. "Greetings Shintarou. It is unfortunate that you cannot join me in Kyoto at the moment; the cherry blossoms are most beautiful at this time of the year. It seems, that there is still six months before you can visit and relax, no?"
Midorima's work friends understood (yes, he had people who enjoyed his company, much to Takao's continuous surprise), but they too were being driven crazy by Tetsuya's sudden appearances. It seemed that he was growing crazier as the due date was approaching.
And Takao just laughed at him for helping Tetsuya even when Midorima never stopped complaining about it. "You're such a tsundere, Shin-chan. Buy me another drink?"
And Midorima would, hoping for Takao to get the worst hangover imaginable.
He was glad that Kise had been too busy flying commercial planes across the Pacific to torment him even further. Murasakibara and Midorima never really got along that well, but he blessed the giant for sending a box of redbean mochi ever now and then. It kept Midorima from going crazy.
To be fair to the actual future mother, she was reasonably sane, and rather apologetic about Midorima's situation. He supposed that Kuroko was a greater nuisance to her than him.
And so, when Midorima finally had a day off, he made his first order of business to unplug all electronics, draw the blinds and sleep. No matter how many times Kuroko chucked basketballs at his window (he had temporarily installed iron bars) Midorima would allow himself one day off from hell each week. Still, that didn't stop him from helping the soon-to-be mother as much as possible, answering her legitimate questions and offering as much support as he could without being teased by Takao for being "such a tsundere" (because it has been ten years and no, Midorima will never acknowledge such an embarrassing implied personality).
"Oh just admit it, you're happy for them." Takao chuckled. He had come over to make dinner.
Equivalent exchange. Midorima supervised drunk Takao at bars (preventative measures) and Takao made them dinner.
Midorima snorted. "When did I say I was not happy for Tetsuya?"
"He's going to make you explain puberty when the child gets older though. And just imagine when Kise, or worse, AKASHI has kids." Takao enjoyed pointing out Midorima's miseries all to much.
Midorima imagined putting up with his middleschool teammates for another ten years—or the rest of his life—and sighed wearily.
He really didn't get paid enough.
