Disclaimer : I do not own Death Note or anything associated.

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.:. Chapter Seven .:.

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I had never seen Mello broken before.

He's always been confident and proud, a skilled overlord moving people around like chess pieces. It was strange to see real weakness in him, to gaze upon his ruined face and dull, cloudy eyes. Even his words lost their hard edge, lips barely moving during his days as an invalid.

Mello had tumbled and tipped down many pedestals, but it could clearly be seen that this was one of the worst. He had lost his men, the muscle backing up the mind. His base had been obliterated to toxic smoke and charred wood, leaving all those documents nothing more than ashes ready to collapse upon themselves and disappear into the wind.

Worst of all, Mello lost the notebook.

The one, absolute play that had hoisted him even a meager inch above Kira, and above Near, had been snatched away.

Now Mello was crashing into the concrete of reality.

It was like watching someone leap off of a very high cliff. You could see his feet push off the ground, but you couldn't stop him. You could see his body begin plummeting into that unforgiving sea below, but there was nothing you could do. All you had was the malicious ability to watch them fall, foot after foot, yard after yard, the black depths grasping closer each unforgiving moment. You know they are going to hit, you can feel it, but somehow they just keep slicing through the air, moving closer and closer. You're just waiting for that second when they finally drown.

You could try jumping in to save them, but the truth is they would only bring you down with them.

"You asked me once," a low, strained voice guttered out into the quiet room, "about why I eat so much chocolate."

I glanced toward him from my seat at the computer, where I was trying to retrieve the papers lost during the explosion through the system's server.

"Twice, actually," I noted, spinning around to see Mello scratching at the bandages on his left cheek with irritation.

"You really shouldn't do that..."

He threw a silencing glare my way, and I made to turn back to the screen before he spoke again.

"I might tell you, if you still want to know."

My heart skipped a beat while my curiosity pulsated excitedly.

"I do," I admitted, glimpsing the candy bar he was clutching in-between his needy fingers. Mello's eyes narrowed in deep contemplation for a few seconds, a million thoughts probably rushing behind those closed blinds.

"Bet Roger's glad I'm gone," he stated suddenly, his tone smooth and faraway. "He used to hate buying me all these. Sometimes I'd have Matt sneak out to get them."

It seemed that his lips twitched with an oncoming smile, but a permanent frown arose instead.

"I need it because," he began, slowly turning back on track as his brow furrowed. "He always had it, and I...wanted to be him, want..."

His voice broke off, eyes moving down to where the rich chocolate trembled in his unsteady hands.

"He still went to Near...who didn't...he barely ate anything! He didn't even care! I thought...I always just stood there, and watched them leave...together. Now I..."

His fingers jerked upwards, curling around the pieces with enough pressure to crack a trench down the middle.

"I can pretend, pretend to be him. It's the only part of him still here...the one piece Near can't take from me."

Mello observed somewhat detached while the jagged remains slipped through his grasp, leaving his hands empty and alone. His teal eyes were wide and panicked, shining with the angry tears of a child who refused to cry.

I didn't know what to say, how to help the man before me when he wasn't the one I knew. This was a broken, vulnerable shell who needed something different. Rehearsed words would not soothe him, not mechanic reassurances that he knew were bland and untruthful. Neither would this silence, which I realized as the first hot tear leaked from the resisting, prideful eyes.

I stood tentatively, kneeling on the couch where he sat with wary knees. His gaze blared up at me, still trying to remain cold even with the tears slipping freely now. I pulled him to me, slowly and unsure, knowing that there was a high chance my blood would paint the walls within seconds. But, I knew I needed to do something, however stupid the action might seem.

And...when I cried, I always felt worthless and alone.

I wanted someone to prove they were there, there for me. Now, I wanted to show Mello I was here, here for him.

His body was stiff, no words uttered as that rain poured silently out of constricting gray clouds, staining the world with their misery.

"He didn't deserve you, Mello," I whispered in hopeful comfort, feeling his head lay on my shoulder wearily. A thick, choked laugh seeped out of his mouth, hanging heavily in the air before sinking with my heart.

He didn't believe me.

It's always been said that all wounds heal with time. I can attribute that for the physical pains, because within a few short weeks, his body had regenerated into its familiar perfection, besides his face. It would always be scarred, a memory of his failure.

But that's as far as that saying can be trusted.

His eyes never had the same fire again. As days passed, the shaken embers breathed with weak life, and even though they soon began to burn, it was not the unstoppable wildfire of want and need. It was a timid, hushed blaze, one that was almost fearful of burning. Few people know that you can read a person's whole world from their eyes, and even fewer are able to do it. I could, and I knew his was collapsing.

When he finally left his lifeless days in that room behind, his actions were robotic. It was something he was expected to do, there was no passion, no spark when his fingers raced along a keyboard, no excitement as he gazed down at saved files. He was just there, doing the only thing he knew how to do.

He still wanted it. He knew nothing else.

That insatiable thirst for vengeance was still there; he had too much hatred that poisoned his blood. But there was no hope now.

There was no faith in himself, in his victory.

I stumbled up the steps with tired feet, the heavy bags that would restock our kitchen digging into my skin annoyingly. The only sound was my own haggard breathing from the steep climb, and the creaking of worn wood beneath the soles of my equally scuffed boots. As I approached our door, voices that should have been faint seemed thunderous when they cracked upon the silence, storming into my ears without resistance.

Pausing with my hand a few inches from the knob, I shrugged childishly and listened acquisitively while what I guessed was a conversation continued.

"We need to do it tomorrow night. She's going to transported, and it'll be the only time when there could be a break in security," what I recognized as Mello's voice explained in an almost deadly calm. For a few seconds, I could detect no response so I leaned closer, hoping I hadn't missed anything.

Finally it came, in a tone I recognized as Matt's somewhat uncaring drawl.

"What's it going to do?"

Mello replied almost immediately, "It's the only chance to uncover something that could underhand Kira."

Matt's sentence was witty and quick.

"And who'll get the chance to use it?"

The atmosphere crackled, and I could only guess the scowl that was sure to be carved into Mello's features at this point.

"It doesn't matter...someone will catch him."

"You're willing to do that? To help-"

"It's the only way, Matt!"

I furrowed my brow in confusion, unable to shift through my bewildered thoughts while I tried to keep up with the rapid exchange of dialogue.

"Come on Mello, you know that's not true."

Matt's voice was patronizing and condescending. I had never heard him speak to his best friend that way, and it sent an alarm off in the back of my mind.

"I doubt you can think of anything else!" Mello challenged bitterly, and there was no sound for a few minutes before the familiar one of fingers clicking buttons.

"What about staying here and letting Near do his job?"

Mello's voice was dangerous and angry as he snapped, "What-"

"I think it's time for me to say something, whether or not you want me to."

The tone was still nonchalant, but it contained a seriousness, an intensity that was new, unexpected.

"Ever since I've known you, all you've ever done is complain. Near beat you on a test, L didn't talk to you long enough, whatever. You never shut up about how you're always treated like second best."

"You've finally found someone who treats you like number one, and you don't even care."

My heart, which had previously been beating frantically with anxiety, froze, dropping in my chest like a stone thrown into a black pool.

"I don't have a degree or anything, so maybe I shouldn't be giving you this psychological crap. But you're being an idiot, which is almost sad because you're so intelligent, after all. "

"You've had her at you're side for years, Mello, and you know it. Everyone knows it, and you can't say they don't. When are you going to admit it?"

"You've had what you wanted all along. Start appreciating it, or at least care."

"After everything, is this how you're going to repay her?"

Those last words echoed through the air like harshly fired shots, stinging the air with their clarity. My hand closed on the doorknob, wondering if it was enough, whether it was finally time to open the door and end whatever was spreading this turmoil inside.

"I have to do this," Mello muttered, words the world had heard from him over and over without end. "Even...even if-"

"Oh stop acting like it's so hard," Matt interjected rudely. "Just tell her you love her and get in her pants like you obviously want to."

I jerked open the door just in time to see a chocolate bar sail through the air and crash into Matt's head.

It's a human reaction to try to ignore the things that frighten us. When a patient is diagnosed with terminal leukemia, their family does that careful dance, making sure not to mention the disease eating away her insides. Often times when a loved one passes, the family will imagine that they're still with them, just a quick phone call away. Ignoring and pretending just hurts less, it's a natural reflex to protect ourselves.

I'm no different.

The conversation was peculiar, and to have my own feelings analyzed was humiliating to say the very least. None of us mentioned it after that day. Maybe Mello was afraid of what he was going to do, of what was right before his nose. Perhaps Matt was scared of his own fate, intertwined tightly with the man beside him. I think I was frightened of what I didn't know, words that were only a confused jumble to me.

And nervous that whatever this plan was, I wasn't enough to make Mello stay.

"Matt, go wait outside," Mello ordered quietly, and Matt nodded in submission, flashing me the weakest smile before disappearing past the doorframe. No words were spoken for a while, just Mello's teal gaze meeting my own blue one, a silent appraising that did not require sound. His eyes bore into my own, and I met them without faltering, no matter how painful it was to do so. Those irises were so empty, drained, fickle and broken like glass that had fallen and shattered.

I parted my lips to speak, but my throat felt useless and swollen, so I closed my mouth and succumbed to the silence again.

"We're going after Takada, Kira's spokesperson," Mello finally spoke, his hard gaze now focused on the floor just to the right of my booted feet. I lifted my solemn stare to the wall above Mello's head, mentally tracing each tiny crack while replying,

"Just you and Matt?"

"Yes."

"What about me?"

Mello shifted a little, pushing one hand into his pocket and playing with the threads between his restless fingers.

"You...you stay here."

I glanced at his stolid face, finding it stern and firm in its statement, his lips drawn tight in a thin line. It sent an uncomfortable jolt to my heart, that expression. It wasn't right; it didn't belong on Mello's features.

"How can I help if I'm not doing anything?" I inquired, but Mello just turned away, glaring at the door as if it was the source of all his qualms and tortures.

"We don't need you," he muttered harshly, his words clear even with the jumbled execution. "Matt and I can handle it on our own."

Confusion clouded my mind, and I ambled over to where one of Matt's handhelds lay perched on an end-table, mindlessly flicking a button just for distraction.

"I don't want to stay here," I stated, pretending the screen was alight as I fumbled with a few nameless combinations. "There's no point in it."

"You'll stay here because I said so," Mello shot back before the last words had even fallen from my pale lips. "There doesn't need to be another point."

"So you just get to go out there and risk your lives? While I what? Sit in here like a worthless coward!" I abruptly shrieked, tossing the game onto the floor in an uncharacteristic fit of rage. The back cracked open, batteries skidding across the floor and disappearing under the couch; I didn't care that Matt would complain later.

"This is a two man job!" Mello hissed, clenching the one hand that wasn't shielded in his pocket into a warning fist. "Why can't you just be happy that you don't need to put your life in danger?"

"Because I don't care!" I shouted, shaking my head and letting my hair spread wildly around me before raising my head to meet his headed glare. "It doesn't matter if I'm safe, if you -"

I froze, my lips trembling with the words that held on furtively for dear life. It was when I looked at those eyes...those...dead eyes.

They told me...no matter how much he tried to hide it.

They told me.

He...wasn't coming back.

"You're going to die!" I screamed, backing away, my eyes huge and my mouth gaping. "You're going to die!"

"You-" I spluttered, panic dissolving the function of my jaw and tongue. "You..."

"Why would you do that?" I cried, stomping my feet like a pathetically scolded child. "Why would you go out there when you know it! Don't tell me anything different, I can see it! If you go out there, I'm never going to see you again!"

"It's-" Mello started, his eyes narrowing into cautious slits.

"Don't lie to me!" I interrupted with a shriek. "How can you do this?"

"It'll solve the case!" Mello barked roughly, overrunning my crazed hysterics and hushing me into silence. "This is the only way; it'll get Near the information he needs. Matt should come back alive-"

"But you won't!" I screeched, pulling on the ends of my hair, almost tearing the strands off my head by the roots. "They'll kill you; Kira will kill you! And you know it!"

I couldn't stand it, not another blasted second. My body was shaking uncontrollably, my pulse jumping and leaping under my skin while my heart threatened to burst into an eruption of muscle and blood in my bruised chest. For some reason, I couldn't seem to breathe. I could feel my mouth gasping for air, my lungs constricting in my chest, but I wasn't...getting air! I felt as if I was suffocating!

Mello ran forward without warning, grabbing my wrists and lowering them from my head forcefully, yanking on them until my head bobbed up to see him.

"What's wrong with you?" He snapped spitefully, his darkened eyes glowering furiously at my spectacle.

"You're going to give up your life," I gasped, spitting out each word the best I could, "For this case, just because you can't deal with losing."

Mello stared into my shining eyes, noting the tears that had begun forming in the corners to accompany my lunatic rage.

"I told you once," he began slowly, the venom coating his words masking something deeper. "Without this case, I have nothing to live for."

"Nothing?" I squeaked, pleading with my needy words. "Nothing at all?"

Mello paused, the grip on my wrists slackening while I waited without daring to take a breath, the tightening in my lungs growing tauter. Seconds dragged by before he turned those dull eyes back to meet my own, the anger gone and replaced with resignation and the slightest bit of sorrow.

"The case comes first, more than anything."

A sob tore through my throat, clawing its way through the unprotected skin until it could reach the outside world it craved. My legs wobbled, the strength leaving my limbs completely as I tumbled forward, Mello's shout of surprise falling upon deaf ears. My knees crashed onto the unforgiving wood of the floor, and I felt the skin yowl from the pain.

I loved him, so, so much. I always knew it, had accepted it, even succumbed to it when I had no other choice. I was not blind, and I knew what the excruciating twists and cracks in my chest were, no matter how much I could try to pretend they were something else.

I wanted him to love me, so, so bad. He didn't and I always knew it, had accepted it, even lived with it when I had no other choice. I was not deaf, and I knew what his words were telling me, no matter how much I wanted to pretend I hadn't heard them.

Tears streamed down my eyes as everything about me crumbled, my pride, my strength. Everything I tried to hold in exploded from inside of me, and I couldn't cease its rampage throughout my body and soul. I wrapped my arm around myself, realizing Mello had released his hold, and bowed my head to my chest as I cried, something I hadn't done in a long time.

It was all so stupid, I was just so stupid, to believe even for a second, that maybe things would work out the way I wanted. He could never want me compared to a victory over an adversary, never value my affection if he could have Kira on his knees.

I couldn't look at him, and I stared at the floor as my sounds died down to silent tears, dropping from my bloodshot eyes to the ground below, like a devastating rain during spring's peace.

Suddenly I felt myself shaking, cold leather hands yanking my shoulders until I could take in the words ripping through the delicate air. I glanced upwards to see Mello's blurry face shifting in and out of my vision as I was swung back and forth.

"What's wrong with you?" His frantic calls rang out, echoing through my tender ears. "Why are you upset, dammit?"

I didn't answer as he continued his relentless movements, causing my teeth to rattle and shake horribly.

"You know the case has to come first! To catch Kira! To beat Near!" He screamed, his voice catching in his raw throat on the last word. "I have to-"

"I know, I know! You have to beat him! I know, Mello!" I howled over him, my throat hoarse and bitter from salty tears and bloody cries. I shook myself free from his bruising grip and grabbed the front of his jacket, uncaring as his eyes widened with surprise.

"I love you! I really love you Mello!" I finally admitted, hearing the words choke up my throat after all these years, after every wasted, worthless minute I had spent, hoping.

"I love you more than anything! That's why I stayed this whole time! That's why I helped you get as far as I could, and that's why I don't want you to go!" I sobbed, burying my head into his chest, so utterly scared that he would push me away. I could feel his heartbeat, jumpy and erratic through the thin fabric, and knowing my own was the same.

"Please..." I whispered, my hands clinging to the thick fabric while Mello stood still as marble. "Can't I be more important, just this once?"

I closed my eyes as tightly as I could, squinting them to their limit so I couldn't see his face, and for the first time in my life, I prayed.

Please!

Then he kissed me.

His lips met mine roughly, his gloved hands sinking into my knotted hair to pull me to him, as close as humanly possible. Our mouths met and we gave it everything we had, everything we could. But just as when I saw that shadow in his eyes, I knew.

It wasn't going to be enough.

Mello's kiss was bitter. It was desperate and needy, frenzied and despairing, every horrible emotion passing between us in that poisoned kiss. We were grasping at something we couldn't hold on to, trying our damnedest to make it last when we knew it would not, could not.

And even though it was tainted and terrible, I never wanted it to end.

He pulled away savagely, keeping me at arms length as we caught out breaths, eyes never leaving the other even while we panted rapidly.

"I," he breathed while he slipped an iron grip back to my shoulders. "I'm not sorry."

Whatever remained of myself collapsed at that statement, and I let my head fall forward as the tears rekindled in my hazy eyes.

"Don't!" Mello demanded through gritted teeth.

"Stop crying, Ivy!"

At the sound of my name, my head shot up, and I saw Mello slightly slack-jawed at his own words. It was the first time in all the years I had ever known him that Mello had actually said my name.

I coughed up a dry laugh. Was it sick to be amused by how much it took to get him to finally say it?

"I need this case!" Mello began to babble. "Even if I'm just a pawn for Near's game in the end! I need to know I helped bring Kira down!"

I wanted to ask why, but I knew I wouldn't get any form of an answer that made sense to me.

"I love you,"I said one last time, looking up into those beautiful eyes that I had always been too timid and frightened to meet. Mello stared down at me, chewing on his bottom lip as if he didn't know what to do. His lips parted to say something, but it remained unsaid as he closed them again severely, hardening them along with his stony eyes.

Mello stood, allowing me to fall back on my knees with the weakest thump. I just looked up at him as he backed away, staggering backwards as if I was cursed. He swallowed, shaking his head slightly before turning away towards the door that offered him his choice.

He took it.

And I sat there alone, until I could move again.

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Author's Note : This isn't the last chapter, just so you know. To me, it sounds like it could be, and I just wanted to make sure.

Whoa, is it just me, or has it been awhile? I feel like such a slacker, so I feel obliged to apologize. I hope this was a good enough chapter to meet the wait, but most of it was come up with during fitness class with my friend (who also proofread the last flashback over a month ago, when I actually wrote it. Thanks!).

Piece of story trivia for you? This was originally going to be three chapters. Haha, that didn't work out did it? :) Oh, before I forget, I need your opinion on something please. I was given the suggested of writing a side-story when this is finished about Matt's point of view of this whole thing. Yes? No? Maybe state your opinion in a review

Anyway, 16 reviews?? Thank you so much! I'm so grateful, really! Please review this time too? :)

Thank you very much for reading!