Ch7 Ashes
Trying to sleep that night felt like a futile effort. No matter how much I tried to fall asleep, I laid awake, tossing and turning. A thunderstorm had started outside. Lightning lit up the room occasionally. The thunder shook my small house, making me huddle in the bed, feeling cold and frightened. I hated thunderstorms. Especially when they were this close. I wished I could reach out and pull Farmer's arms around me. I wished I could cuddle up against his chest and feel his hands over my ears. I wished with all my heart I could see him one last time and hear his sweet voice...
Soon enough, the long, loud night faded into the peaceful day. I didn't need the alarm to wake up. Papa smurf said we all had a day off from chores because of the funeral. I heaved a heavy sigh and rolled over. My hands wandered to Farmer's pillow. Once I had it in my reach I pulled it close to me. It was a much firmer pillow than mine. He swore up and down it helped his sore neck.
I pressed my nose to the pillow. It smelled just like him-hay mixed with fresh grass and soil... I uttered a little sigh. I missed him... I heard a loud knock at my front door. I slumped out of bed, pulling my fluffy robe around me and tying it. "I'm coming..." I muttered to my visitor.
Standing in my doorway was Papa smurf. He was dressed in all black. "Good morning, Vanity," he said with a small smile," I was just coming over to check on you."
I invited him in and went to make tea. "Tea, Papa smurf?" I asked as he sat down at the table.
"Yes please," he replied.
I got two mugs from the cupboard and put the kettle on the stove. "How are you this morning, Vanity?" he asked.
I stopped spooning out tea grounds and stared at the wall a minute. "Not too smurfy," I admitted, "To be honest, I don't even know how I'm gonna make it through the funeral today."
I leaned against the counter and rubbed my temples with my thumb and forefingers. I gave a heavy sigh, closing my eyes and thinking of Farmer. The whistle of the tea kettle interrupted my thoughts, and I poured hot water into the two cups. After straining the tea grounds, I brought one cup to Papa smurf. He thanked me and took a long sip. "You're not alone, my little smurf." He said, "Everysmurf feels the loss. Just last night Sassette woke me up crying because she had a dream about Farmer."
I nodded a little. "Sassette... She must be feeling as down as I do right now," I thought out loud, "Poor girl... She's barely even old enough to understand death, yet she loses someone so close to her…? It's so wrong..."
Papa smurf nodded sadly, taking another drink from his mug. "Sometimes somesmurfs just find out from a young age, my little smurf." he said, "but she'll get through it. She always does."
I nodded and swirled my mug a little. I took a drink, barely burning my tongue. "So, it seems you've made up with Painter," he said, changing the subject.
I cracked a little smile in reply. "Yeah," I said. "I guess I gave him a pretty bad scare..."
Papa smurf nodded a little."Indeed. He came to me yesterday in tears, saying how worried he was for you." he said, taking a drink from his mug, "he's still haunted by what almost happened by the bridge that day, you know. He won't admit it because of his pride, but he is. He's still scared someday you might try and take your own life again."
"I did try, Papa smurf..." I admitted sadly, "After you gave me the cure, I went down to the bridge, completely ready to jump. B-but I couldn't do it... I just couldn't... I couldn't break the promises I made that day..."
I awkwardly swirled the contents of my cup in my palm and took a drink. "I'm glad to know you realized the repercussions of your actions before they happened and saw that felo-de-se isn't the answer." he said, sadly taking another drink of tea.
I nodded a little and took a long sip of tea. Once Papa smurf had finished, he stood and took his cup to the sink. He saw the glass with the straw wad in the bottom. He bit his lip a little and gave a tiny sigh. "Farmer's glass?" he asked plainly.
There was a big lump in my throat. I nodded a little in reply, trying to keep from crying. Papa smurf sighed a little again, then wrapped me in his arms. "I know... It's hard right now." he said softly, his voice breaking. "But someday you will be able to move on. I promise."
I hugged him a little tighter and buried my face in his coat. He left soon after, and I returned to my bedroom. While the mirror on my vanity was still mostly shattered, it was still salvageable. I sat down in front and started with my skin care regimen. Once I looked like my normal smurfy self again, I made my way to the dresser. I opened the top drawer, and started looking for my formal dress pants. Once I found them, I put them on, then smurfed on a belt so they wouldn't fall down. Using my vanity mirror, I tied my tie.
I heard a light knock at the door. I didn't feel ready. Smurf, how does anyone feel ready to go to their soulmate's funeral? I got my coat and the note cards I wrote his eulogy on. I stuffed them in my coat pocket and bravely opened the door. In the doorway stood Painter and Smurfette, with Baby balanced on her hip. They both wore a solemn expression and the traditional black funeral attire. "Ready?" Smurfette asked.
I shook my head a little. "Not really," I admitted, "But then again who would be?"
They walked with me to the village square, where there were chairs lined up to the Speaking Shroom. A little table sat next to the mushroom with a big book of pictures and tall white candles. Farmer's urn sat in the middle, a candle on either side. Smurfette, Painter and I took a seat near the front. I couldn't take my eyes off the little table. I can't believe he's really gone....
After a few minutes Papa smurf climbed up onto the pedestal and addressed the rest of us. "We are gathered here today to honor the life of Farmer smurf..." some of the smurfs in the crowd hid their heads and wept at the mere mention of his name. "A friend... A provider.... A lover..."
I closed my eyes and tried to keep my breath even. "He offered help to all those who asked... He kept us sustained in the long winter months with his vegetables and green thumb with smurfberry bushes." he continued, "loved by many, remembered by all... Farmer smurf will hold a place of honor in all of our hearts, and in the hearts of the younger generations as well."
Sassette, who sat on the ground in front of me with Nat, Snappy, and Slouchy around her, started crying. Nat took her hand reassuringly and spoke kind words in her ear. "Anyone who'd like to say anything about Farmer is more than welcome to do so." Papa smurf concluded, wiping his eyes.
The crowd was silent for a few moments. Brainy stood up from the third row and made his way to the front. I swear, if he's going to give us another one of his egomaniac speeches, I'll- "Farmer smurf took me under his wing when I was just a smurfling," Brainy said, shuffling his feet a little, "He took everyone under his wing. He always made sure everyone was feeling smurfy. And he did what he could to help us when one of us wasn't when Papa wasn't around... Even when I drove him smurfy with all my advice."
He paused to take a deep breath. "We will all miss him..." he said, "and anyone who says they won't is lying."
I silently thanked Brainy for not turning the moment into one of his self-important little diatribes. More silence in the crowd. Sassette and the smurflings fidgeted a little. Sassette turned to Nat and whispered something in his ear. He nodded a little and nudged his friends. They stood and made their way to the Speaking Shroom. Sassette took a deep breath and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. She reached into her pocket and took out a folded piece of paper. "I-I-I wrote Farmer a letter... I-I thought it would be easier for him to hear..." she stuttered a little.
My heart sank a little looking at this little child all shaken up. She unfolded the note and read out loud, so everyone could hear.
"D-dear Farmer,
I'll never understand why you got so sick... I'll never understand why I couldn't go to that doctor place with you... An' I'll never ever understand why I never got to say goodbye... B-but-" she started sobbing.
Papa started to approach the crying child, but the smurflings beat him to the punch. Nat squeezed her hand and Slouchy gave her a little side-hug. Snappy stood behind her and whispered in her ear. She sniffed loudly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.
"...B-but I know that you loved everysmurf here... An' that you wouldn't want us all t' be sad... B-but it is so scary, Farmer. I wish you could make these bad dreams go away. I wish you could hug me an' tell me you love me, an' take me t'go get cookies when I'd sad... I wish I could ask you why you had to leave me so soon... I wish I could see you one more time... Even if it isn't very long... I-I-I wish you didn't-" her little voice caught in her throat and she fell to her knees on the Speaking Shroom sobs overtaking her little body.
The three smurflings sat with her and tried to help calm her down. Papa smurf spoke soft words to her from below the pedestal. She nodded her head a little, then gave him the paper. Papa smurf turned back around and sadly read the rest of the letter.
"I wish you didn't have to die... You were my best friend... You were my secret-keeper... You were my tear-drier... I love you, Farmer... I'll miss you more than I can say in some dumb letter... I hope you like it wherever you are... Pappy always says that good smurfs get to go to Paradise and grow wings and get to be angels who watch over the village... I don't know where you'll go... You were already an angel in my eyes.-" now Papa smurf had to pause and wipe his tears.
"But wherever you went, I hope you like it. And I hope there's no rutabaga. And I know they'll love you there just like how we all love you here. I'll see you again, but until then, I love you, goodbye. Love, your girl."
There wasn't a dry eye in the crowd. The smurflings helped the teary-eyed Sassette back to the place they'd been sitting. I put a hand on her shoulder. She looked up at me, tears rolling down her cheeks. She stood up and gave me the biggest hug her small stature allowed. I whispered a little thank you in her ear, and she buried her face in my coat, sobbing quietly. I smoothed her fiery red hair back behind her ear and kissed her on the temple, unsuccessfully trying to blink away more tears.
A few more silent moments passed. Finally, I stood. I walked the short distance to the Speaking Shroom. I took a deep breath and took my note cards from my pocket. "I-I'm not really sure I can follow that," I said, referring to Sassette and her letter.
The others chuckled a low laugh. "Farmer smurf was my soulmate." I said plainly, "he saved me from the lowest time in my life... He held me when I was sad, or scared. And he always protected me..."
Tears blurred my vision. "I-I always asked him what he would do without me..." I squeaked a little, "but what I never wanted to ask myself was what would I do without you..."
My voice caught in my throat. "And-and now that I have to ask myself that, I can't do it without... Without crying, without wishing with all my heart it was me, not him..." my voice wavered a bit.
"Not a single day has gone by yet when I don't ask why it was me who lived... It- it was my fault... I gave him the disease that killed him..." I jammed my eyes shut, sobbing profusely.
"It's a new disease, and until Papa, Hefty, Painter and Smurfette went on their quest there was no cure to it." I said sadly, closing my eyes, "he fought as hard as he could against it..."
My voice caught in my throat for a moment. "B-but in the end... He lost the battle..." I spoke sadly, "he died right there in my arms..."
I wiped my eyes a bit, the tears spilling over my eyelashes."I-I-I miss him... I miss him more than I could ever say..."I admitted, "a-and it feels like a Hell on earth without him by my side... B-but everysmurf here knows as well as I do that he wouldn't want us to feel sad, or sorry for him... He-he was in pain before he died... He was tired, his throat hurt from coughing so much, he always felt cold, even with such a high fever... He- he was in pain...."
I had to pause and take a deep breath. "I'm sad he's gone... No, I'm devastated he's gone... It's hard for me to stand here and smurf him a eulogy and not start bawling. If you look in my house, everything's exactly the way he left it... I even still have a glass he used still in the sink." I admitted, my knees knocking a little. "But one thing I am not, nor will I ever be sad about is that he isn't in any pain anymore. A-and that I will see him again someday... We all die... Some sooner than others... But I see him everywhere... In the clouds... In my dreams... And in the hearts of everysmurf... Yes... Farmer's gone to Paradise, or wherever we smurfs go when we die... But as long as we keep him close to our hearts, Farmer and his memory will never, ever be gone."
I tried to get a grip of myself and looked at Papa smurf. He nodded a little, then went to the piano that was set up nearby. "Wh-when we all were taken to Paris by that time crystals ordeal, Farmer and I had just recently gotten together…" I said, remembering the days, "A-and one day, when we were walking together, we heard two humans singing this song…. A-and from that moment on… that was our song… we would sing it to eachother whenever we wanted to express our love in secrecy…"
A couple smurfs in the crowd aww-ed. "We hadn't sung it to eachother in a few years…" I admitted, "But it seemed right to sing it here and now…"
Papa smurf started playing the piano slowly. I fought the tears and icy nervousness in my gut, and sang out loud for all to hear.
"Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Seasons may change, winter to spring"
My voice broke a little, and I drew a jagged breath. I jammed my eyes shut, seeing his lovely face in my mind. I opened my mouth and half-whispered the next lines.
"But I Love You, until the end of time
Come what may
Come what may
I will Love You
Until my dying day"
My voice started gaining a little more power as the vision of Farmer in my mind smiled and waved. I smiled a bit back, trying to keep tears from rolling down my cheeks.
"Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place And there's no mountain too high Storm clouds may gather
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
No river too wide
Sing out this song,
I'll be there by your side
And stars may collide
But I Love You, I Love You,
Until the end of time"
I sang out as loud and as powerfully as I could, letting the lyrics ring true and resonate with my friends and family in the crowd.
"Come what may, come what may, I will Love You
I will Love You, Come what may, Yes, I will Love You
Come what may, I will Love You, Til my dying day"
I stepped down from the pedestal, wiping my eyes, and walking to the table. I looked at the framed picture propped up next to the urn. He looked happy and vibrant, not at all like when he was sick. I kissed my fingers, then pressed it to his face in the picture. "I love you, Farmer... I'll never forget you..." I half whispered.
I returned to my seat, feeling a weight somewhat lifted from my shoulders. Papa smurf concluded the funeral with a prayer. I stood next to him and held little Sassette's hand as the other smurfs lined up for their obligatory condolences. One by one, they filed through with handshakes, quiet apologies and gentle condolences. I was sure everyone had already filed through and gone to consume the reception feast Greedy prepared. But then, Tracker smurf approached me.
He tried to get me to look in his eyes. I refused, instead looking in away from him entirely. "Vanity..." he said, sounding weak and shaken up, "I want to talk to you."
"Smurf off." I spat angrily.
"Please... I want to apologize..." he pleaded.
A bit surprised, I turned to face him, trying to muster as much anger and hatred in my eyes as I possibly could. He shifted a little uncomfortably under my gaze. "I- I don't even know where to start..." he muttered a little, "I'm sorry for all the unsmurfy things Camper and I put you through over all these years..."
He averted his eyes a little. "...You really think that I'm going to forgive you, just like that?" I asked coldly, "I never even forgave Camper... You two smurfed me through HELL."
I looked at the confused little Sassette next to me, then covered her ears. "I tried to kill myself because I was so scared you were going to murder me... If it wasn't for Farmer I would've died forty years ago."
I uncovered Sassette's ears. "For you to think that you could just smurf over to me and apologize, then expect me to forgive you as if nothing happened... It's insulting. To you, to Farmer, to me... NO. I don't forgive you, Tracker." I spat.
He recoiled a little at my answer. "I-I see... He said, his voice quavering a little, "I'm truly sorry you feel that way..."
I turned my face back towards him."If you're so 'truly sorry' then why on smurf did you torture me so much in the first place!" I half yelled.
"I-I don't know!" he shouted back, wiping away tears. "I-I guess I was jealous..."
"Jealous?" I asked, "of what, exactly? The fact I'm a 'worthless little ladysmurf who doesn't deserve to live'?"
"NO...no... I- I guess I was angry at first that you were so different from everybody... That you had the grapes to do some of the things you did, wear some of the things you wore... So, I singled you out and thought that making you hate yourself, maybe I'd actually feel important in some way... And I won't lie, it worked. It's one smurfofa power trip..."
He paused for a minute. Papa smurf took Sassette and went to Greedy's mess hall. "And then when everysmurf found out about you and Farmer, I hated you more because you found love and I couldn't. I just... I wanted you to just- die..." he admitted, looking away, shame etched in his face, "b-but when Cam started dying, you made it so he wasn't alone... You even tried to bring him back, even after all the hell we put you through... It-it made me see that I'd misjudged you, and that maybe there were really reasons why Farmer and all your friends love you so much... I regret every mistreatment I smurfed on you. I- I really don't blame your hatred for me... But I just wanted you to know I really am sorry and that if I could I would take every minute of it back."
He wiped his face, then started walking away. "Wait," I said softly, "Don't go..."
He turned around to face me."You hurt me, Tracker... You made my life full of fear, and you made me hate who I am and feel lower than dirt." I said plainly, "I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you completely."
He looked down, ashamed. "But," I added "I suppose one has to start somewhere.….. I accept your apology, Tracker..."
He smiled a little, and shook my hand. "You have no idea how much this means to me." he said.
I nodded my head a little. He let go of my hand and started walking to Greedy's mess hall. I took the urn from the table and started walking back towards the house. I opened the door, placing the urn on the mantle. I went to go heat up water for tea. As I filled the kettle with water, I noticed the glass with straw in the bottom. What I did next surprised even myself.
I took the cup in my hand, filled it with water, sloshed it around a little, then dumped the water down the drain and washed it out with a sudsy sponge. Then I used a towel to dry it off, and put the glass up in the cupboard with all the others.
I put the kettle in the sink and dried off my hands. Then I went back to the mantle and lifted the urn from its place. I wandered around to the backyard, to where Farmer's garden was in full bloom for the summer. I hugged the clay urn to my chest, fighting tears. "H-hey, honey." I said softly. "It's me... Vanity..."
I fought more and more tears. "Th-things are really quiet without you around... We all miss you so much..." tears trickled down my cheek. "B-but I'm not sad knowing where you are, and knowing you're not in any more pain. I probably won't be joining you as quick as I thought, or the way I thought... But I'll see you every night in my dreams..."
I fiddled with the cap on the urn, twisting it off, revealing the soft gray ashes. "I've- I've got to let you go, darling..." I whispered softly, taking a handful of ashes.
I gently tossed the ashes, letting them spread over his beloved flowers. "I know how much you loved your garden," I whispered, "and I know you wouldn't want to smurf eternity in a jar..."
I took more handfuls and spread them out over his blossoming flowers. I emptied the urn, then used my clean hand to wipe the tears from my face. "I love you, Farmer. And I always will." I showed the plants the rings on my finger, "My life is forever yours... And you are mine."
