Chapter 7: Plenty of Summer Left
Kate frowned at the computer screen.
Her anxiety over her unemployment had been steadily growing in the weeks since she'd quit the NYPD, but that morning, it had started to reach a level of her actually doing something about it. After all, she could not live at Castle's house in the Hamptons forever, could she?
Kate suddenly pictured herself acting as a stay-at-home wife and mother, fixing Castle's meals for him while he typed away in his office. She saw herself trying to feed a little brown-haired baby while a toddler pulled at her skirt and called her "Momma."
The unexpected word shook her out of her reverie and she refocused on the screen of Castle's laptop, which she had briefly borrowed. She was not happy with what she saw.
After spending half an hour answering personality questions about herself, the stupid online career placement test recommended that she go into law enforcement. Seriously? That was the best they could do? She had just left a career in law enforcement! Why couldn't they recommend her be a teacher or a lawyer or a racecar driver or something other than a police officer?
Muttering to herself, she exited out of the browser and closed the laptop in a huff.
"Something wrong?"
And of course Castle would walk by just as she was having her little mini-tantrum.
"No," she groused in irritation as she pushed the laptop away from her with greater force than necessary.
"You sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure," Kate snapped, angry at being questioned.
Castle held up his hands in mock surrender, but the gesture just reminded her of her former career, which ramped up her annoyance level even further. With a growl, she pushed herself off the couch and went out the back door to sit by the pool, slamming the door shut behind her. Lowering herself to the edge, she dangled her bare feet into the still water as her hands balled into fists.
Part of her wanted Castle to follow and part of her didn't. She knew she was being unfair to him - he didn't even know what was wrong - but she was growing frustrated and a little panicked over what she wanted to do in life. Because for the first time in as long as she could remember, she did not know.
Growing up, she had always wanted to be a lawyer like her mother. (Well, the only exception were a couple of teenage years in which her rebellious phase made her insist sarcastically that she wanted to start a band and live under a bridge until the band hit the big time.) She had even been pre-law at Stanford before her mother's murder and before she switched her life's ambition to catching the kind of evil people who would stab women in alleys.
A few moments later, she heard footsteps behind her and then Castle was sitting next to her, lowering his own feet into the pool. She looked over at him, suddenly grateful for his presence, her earlier anger evaporating.
"You could always go to law school," he suggested.
Seriously, how did he do that? It was like he could read her mind half the time, and while it was usually pretty cool, at this moment, it was really freaking her-
Perhaps noticing her shocked look, Castle explained, "I checked the browser history on the computer, saw you were researching new career paths."
Oh. So not a mind reader after all. Just a snoop.
"I don't know if I want to be a lawyer," Kate said. "I've been on the inside of the crime scene tape for so long, I'm not sure if I could be objective. Lawyers have to see both sides of things, have to be able to anticipate all the arguments. I think I was a cop too long to do that."
"Lots of cops become lawyers," Castle pointed out.
"Yeah, mostly prosecutors. That's too much like what I just left. And I don't think I could be a defense attorney, defending child abusers and murderers and thugs."
"There are other kinds of law besides criminal," he said. "I happen to know from personal experience that divorce lawyers make a very good living."
Flashing him an amused look, she asked, "Do you really see me as a divorce lawyer?"
"No, not really, although you'd be good at it. What about contracts? Or drawing up wills?"
"Sounds like days of endless paperwork to me," she commented.
They sat in silence for a while, each considering other options besides a career in law or law enforcement.
"You could go to medical school," he suggested.
Kate shrugged. Medicine had never appealed to her. She wasn't squeamish – the profession just held no attraction for her. You couldn't interrogate a virus or run a background check on cancer.
Finally, Castle observed, "You like to solve mysteries. Puzzles. Figure people out. Maybe you should think about being a psychologist. Psychiatrist. Therapist. Something like that."
This time she laughed out loud. "Castle, I am the absolute last person who should be giving mental health advice. I can barely deal with my own issues, let alone help other people with theirs."
Rolling his eyes at her dismissal, he said with a certainty she did not understand, "I think that would make you the perfect person to help others. Besides, you can do anything."
After that his suggestions became more and more about trying to cheer her up and less about actual career possibilities. "Investment banker? Pawn broker? Olympic figure skater? Oh, I know, you could open up your own food truck and sell specialty donuts."
She was laughing but shaking her head at him. "I don't know, Castle. I just always thought I'd be a cop, you know?"
"Well, there are other types of law enforcement besides the police," he said. "You could apply to the FBI."
Kate made a face. "Will kind of soured me on the FBI."
Undeterred, Castle threw out more options. "CIA? U.S. Marshall? Secret Service? DEA?"
But Kate was still shaking her head at him, and it was clear none of those were options she was interested in. Looking down at the pool, the ripples in the water, she wondered if this indecision was what she should have gone through in college rather than her utter certainty as to what she wanted to do- first of wanting to be a lawyer and then a detective. Perhaps her identity crisis was just a little delayed.
Castle finally made one last suggestion. "What about... homicide detective?"
Her eyes swiveled to him immediately, the understanding in his voice drawing her almost as much as his words. And somehow, he knew, and because of that, she knew - that was what she was supposed to do, despite it all. Her life's work, her career, everything she wanted to do when she grew up, it was all tied into that exciting, fascinating, and frustrating job. Homicide detective. The job she had quit.
"You know why I resigned, don't you?" she asked.
He genuinely did not know why she'd quit, she could tell by the expression on his face. All she had said before was that she was done with it – the NYPD, her mother's murder, all those things she used to hide from what she really wanted in life.
"Why did you quit?" Castle asked.
She knew that he never would have asked her to leave her job, despite the danger it regularly put her in, put them both in. He had only told her to stop the investigation, for the sake of her own life. But after dangling off the side of that building, after almost falling to her death, it all felt like the same thing.
"I became a cop because of what happened to my mom. I'm good at it, and I really enjoy it. But... after what happened on that roof... it just seems like there has to be more out there for me, more than just catching criminals and putting them behind bars," Kate explained.
Castle nodded in understanding. She suspected that he had undergone similar existential crises over the years. Perhaps that was one of the reasons why he liked working with the police. On top of doing research and spending time with her, he could make a real, tangible contribution.
Kate added quietly, "Plus, I meant what I said to you that night." He looked at her questioningly. "I just want you. None of the rest of it matters."
She hoped that he understood what she was saying. Kate had quit her job to be with him, to make a fresh start on life independent of her mother's murder. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized that maybe what she was doing – solving murders – was genuinely what she was supposed to be doing. But if she decided to go back, she did not want him to misunderstand that decision. He was still more important to her. More important than anything.
"You don't have to prove anything to me, Kate," he said.
"Castle, the things I said to you that night at my apartment, when you tried to get me to drop the case..."
Taking her hand in his, he threaded their fingers together. "I know you didn't mean them."
"But I did mean them. Or I thought I did, at the time. I was so wrapped up in it that I almost lost you. I almost lost myself." Taking a deep breath, she declared, "I don't ever want to get back to that point in my life again."
"You won't," Castle assured her. "And I'll be there to make sure. But that doesn't mean you can't be a detective any more. You can always go back."
"I'm not ready to go back," Kate stated with finality, not sure if she would even be allowed to rejoin the force. She did quit, after all, rather than accept a suspension.
"Then take all the time you need. We still have plenty of summer left."
They sat in relative silence for a while, just swishing their legs in the pool and staring into the sky. Kate wondered what he was thinking, if she had upset him with this conversation. She did not want him to think that he wasn't enough, because he was. Being with him was worth the job, if it came down to it. He was certainly more important than her mother's murder investigation, which had almost killed her on several occasions. In fact, Kate realized, Castle was probably the healthiest thing in her life which she cared about. He took care of her when she needed it, gave her space when she felt smothered, and he always had the perfect words for any situation.
"I love you," she said, the words coming out as a surprise even to her. She had trouble saying them, usually, especially standing alone and not in response to his declarations.
Castle looked at her, unsurprised but pleased. "I love you too, Kate."
Giving her a small smile, Castle wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "And don't worry about the job thing. We'll figure it out."
Smiling at him, she looked away so he would not see the tears developing in her eyes. Oh, this man. This amazing, amazing man. Somehow, whenever she was with him, he just made everything better.
"Besides, if you need money for rent and board, you can always take a night job as a stripper," he said casually. "Oh, you could even use the stage name Nikki Heat. I won't even sue you for it."
His comment made her laugh, which Kate appreciated, but she still pushed him into the pool, fully clothed. She laughed even more at his high-pitched scream on hitting the water so unexpectedly.
"Oh, that's how you want to play?" he demanded when he resurfaced, swimming back towards her low in the pool, like a shark about to strike.
Before she could get her legs out of the water, he had a grip on them, and before she could fight back, he had her wrist in his hand and was pulling her into the pool with him. Kate shrieked as she hit the unexpectedly cold water, and then a little more as his fingers tickled the sensitive skin at her sides. She pushed against him, dunking him, but he circled her under the water and came up behind her again.
This time, rather than tickle her, he snaked his arms around her body and held her to him. "Truce?" he suggested, leaning down to kiss the skin behind her ear.
"Truce," she agreed.
"You know, you're supposed to strip naked before jumping in the pool," he admonished. "You're terrible at this skinny dipping thing."
"Well then, let me remedy that," she responded, moving to take off her wet clothes beneath the surface of the water.
They spent the next hour in the pool, neither of them thinking about anything but the other.
