A/N: I forgot to mention a few more of my favorite quotes from "Big Time Reality."
(Logan whispers in Carlos' ear)
Carlos: "Well, we're not gonna be…"
(Logan whispers in Carlos' ear)
Carlos: "…manipulated like this."
(Katie pulls Logan behind her by his ear.)
Logan: "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! I have sensitive ears! You know that!"
James: "Yeah, and I rather eat pie and play video games with Carlos than maim him."
Logan: "Hey, I want a cool spy hat!"
Carlos: (whispers) "Take mine."
Logan: (whispers) "Okay."
Oh, and this is the first time I have ever killed off Logan. Some authors, who shall remain nameless, have killed Logan off much more than I have. That's right, you, and you know who you are, got thrown under the bus courtesy of yours truly. Lol.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, but I kind of feel like the writers and producers listen to what we say, so ooh! Let's complain some more… ;)
No Way Out
Amidst my panic, one clear thought raced through my mind: save Logan. I placed my hands on Logan's still chest, one on top of the other, and started to give him chest compressions. Each time seemed more desperate and forceful than the last. I was sobbing the whole time. I couldn't even see through the haze of tears.
After giving him I don't even know how many chest compressions, I tilted Logan's head back, pinched the bridge of his nose with my thumb and pointer finger, and attempted to breathe life into him.
"Come on, Logan! Don't you quit on me! Come back to me! Please!" I shouted at him.
Nothing. Still nothing. He wasn't breathing. His heart wasn't beating. He wasn't moving. His skin had a slightly grayish tinge to it. But that wasn't going to stop me from continuing to try. I went back to chest compressions, and started the cycle all over again.
It eventually got to a point where as much as I wanted to believe otherwise, I knew in my heart of hearts that Logan was truly gone. He wasn't coming back. There was a sharp pain that resonated from my chest; it felt like my heart had literally broke in two. This revelation was staggering, and I was having difficulty breathing.
I don't know how long Tony had held us hostage, but it was now dark outside the bank. I glanced up at the wall clock and saw that it was after ten o'clock. With great effort, I hoisted the dead weight of Logan's arm up, so I could squeeze in underneath. I draped his arm around me as I snuggled up against him, silent tears streaming down my face.
I had no idea what to do anymore. I didn't know what I would say to Kendall, James, and Carlos. The mere idea of having to face them scared me to no end. I had convinced myself that they would probably hate me, and rightfully so. Thanks to me, they lost their best friend.
Lying there next to Logan, I felt like I was being suffocated by crushing guilt. This was my fault! When Logan was alive, he strongly disagreed with me. However, now that he wasn't, I was honestly scared that his spirit would come back to me and haunt me; blaming me for his death.
I should have waited to deposit my check, period. I should have convinced Logan to leave the bank when we saw that there was a line ahead of us. But I didn't, did I? I should have insisted. Logan usually did what I wanted him to do. Not because he didn't have a mind of his own, but because he loved me. Loved. Past tense. A fresh wave of grief washed over me.
Logan wasn't capable of loving me anymore. He needed to be here in order to do that, but he wasn't. Maybe if I had given him his jacket back so he could warm up, he would still be alive right now. Sure Logan was certain that had I done that, I would bleed to death, but now I didn't care. I would gladly switch places with Logan in a heartbeat.
Big Time Rush was starting to become a household name. I was still a nobody trying to become a famous actress. I was still a small fish in a big pond. Logan wanted to become a doctor. He would have been great at it too. He's great at everything he does. If not right away, then eventually due to his hard work and perseverance. Logan deserved to live more than I did.
"That's not true," a familiar voice said.
I lifted my head up and saw something truly remarkable; Logan was standing before me. But how was that possible? I was lying next to Logan; his arm was draped around me. How could he be two places at once? That's when it hit me; the Logan standing before me was transparent looking. From head to toe, it was like he was encased in a bright light.
"Logan!" I choked out.
"Remember what I said; you have to survive."
"No! Not without you!"
"I may not be with you physically, but I'll always be with you."
Logan's spirit placed one of his hands on top of my chest right where my heart was. I immediately responded by placing one of my hands on top of his, but when my hand went right through his, I cried even harder.
"Right here. I'll forever be in your heart," Spirit Logan said.
"Logan, I-I…" I trailed off. There was so much I wanted to say to him; so much that I didn't get to say to him before he passed away. Now that I had a chance to speak to him, my mind was drawing a blank.
"I have to go now."
"No! You just got here! There's so much I want to tell you!"
"I'm sorry, Camille."
Then, just like that, Spirit Logan vanished before my very eyes. I snuggled up against the Logan that I could see and touch. If only this Logan could talk to me too. If only I could hear his voice. If only I could see him smile that adorable smile of his one last time.
It was a wonder I had any tears left. I had been crying practically non-stop ever since Logan…died. I took a moment to regain my composure. How was it even possible that a human being could cry as much as I was?
I was starting to feel a little bit tired, but honestly, I was scared of falling asleep. Logan had been worried about falling asleep, and look what happened when he did; he won't ever wake up again. What if I fell asleep and didn't wake up?
The more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I mean, at least I'd be able to be with Logan again. That would certainly make it all worth it. I would give anything to be able to see him again. To hear his voice. To hold his hands in mine.
Only one thing was holding me back from wanting that too much; Logan's plea to me before he breathed his last breath. Survive. Logan wanted me to survive. He wanted me to live. How though? I cared about Logan so much; I loved him, and now that he's gone, it seems like a part of me is missing.
I felt like if I died, all of Logan's efforts would have been in vain. Logan probably knew that he would die quicker if he wasn't kept warm. He probably knew that his jacket would keep him alive a little longer. However, because it was securely fastened around my leg, it wasn't an option. Logan didn't want me to bleed to death, even if it meant he would pass away sooner. That's the kind of guy Logan was; selfless. He always put other people's needs before his own, no matter the consequences.
My eyelids were starting to get heavy. It almost seemed like they had sandbags on top of them. I let out a yawn. I still couldn't feel my injured leg. The only way I could tell that it was even still there was by looking at it.
Another reason I was scared to fall asleep was because I was afraid that when I woke up, Logan wouldn't be there anymore. I was worried that we would get separated more than we already were. I was frightened that I wouldn't wake up next to Logan. I mean I know I'm probably being silly. Even though he still smelled like Logan, even though he still looked like Logan, even though he still felt like Logan, the guy with his arm draped around me wasn't Logan. Not really. It was just his body.
Now that I'm all the wiser, I wished that I could go back in time. If only there was such a thing as a time machine. I would never have gone to the bank today. I would have waited until tomorrow to deposit my check. How horrible is that? I lost Logan because I was more concerned about money. Looking back, if I was given a choice between all the money in the world and Logan, I would choose Logan each and every time without even a moment's hesitation. You couldn't put a dollar amount on Logan; you couldn't put a dollar amount on true love.
Logan's blood was on my hands; literally and figuratively. His blood was smeared all over the side of my face. It had long since gotten hard and crusty as it was caked on the side of my face. He wasn't bleeding anymore. Of course, how could he? He would need to be alive in order to be bleeding; his heart would need to be beating in order for him to be bleeding, and it definitely wasn't…
I don't think I will ever smile again. I have no reason to ever smile again. A life without Logan is certainly nothing to smile about. The frown I was currently wearing would probably soon be a permanent fixture on my face. I didn't care though. I turned my head slightly so that I was face-to-face with Logan. He wasn't smiling either, but he also wasn't frowning.
He looked so peaceful lying there. It was almost as if he were sleeping, but deep down, I knew better. I knew that he wouldn't wake up any second now because he wasn't sleeping, he was…dead. I don't think I'll ever get used to saying that or thinking that. It's just too hard. It's far too sad. It makes me lose all desire to live myself.
Survive.
I nodded my head even though Logan couldn't see me. Actually, he probably could see me. He was most likely watching over me up in Heaven. There was no doubt in my mind that Logan was in Heaven. He was an angel now just like he was an angel when he was on Earth. He was so sweet and innocent. He never did anything wrong, and even if he did, it wasn't his idea to begin with. He was just far too kind, far too considerate to say "no" to people. That wasn't his fault though.
Out of the blue, I felt an intense surge of jealousy come over me. God didn't deserve Logan more than me! He didn't deserve Logan more than Kendall, James, or Carlos! We wanted him here with us where he belonged! It just wasn't fair! It wasn't Logan's time to go! There's no way it could have been his time to go! My eyes stung with tears, and I felt my hands clench the soft material of Logan's t-shirt as they balled into fists.
My body shook with sobs. I couldn't stop crying even if I wanted to. That's the thing; I didn't want to. Logan's passing was a tragedy. It wasn't wrong that I was crying. It would be wrong if I didn't shed a single tear. I had good reason to mourn. I kind of felt like the moment I stopped crying was the moment where I stopped missing Logan. I didn't want to stop missing Logan. I would never stop missing Logan.
"You want to be reunited with your boyfriend? I can help you," Johnny said.
I looked up, and through my cloudy vision, I could make out a figure standing over me with what I presumed was a gun pointed at me. I probably should have been scared, but in all actuality, I was…hopeful. This could be it! I might see Logan sooner than I think after all.
"All you have to do is give me the word," Johnny stated.
I heard another pair of footsteps approaching, and I soon saw another figure stand in between me and the figure that I'm sure was Johnny.
"What are you doing?" Tony's voice demanded.
"I'm just offering to give her what she wants," Johnny answered.
"We need her alive!"
"Why? What is it with you and this girl?"
"Do not question me! Have you forgotten who's in charge here? I'm telling you to stand down, so you better stand down!"
I blinked my tear-filled eyes in confusion. We need her alive! Was Tony…protecting me? What possible reason could he have for protecting me? What did he mean when he said that he needed me alive? What other plans did he have for me?
"If I refuse?" Johnny asked.
"Then you're going to have to go through me in order to get to her, and there is no way you're getting through me!" Tony replied.
To Be Continued…
A/N: I didn't really like how this chapter turned out. But, on the plus side, I got my copy of Big Time Rush Season 1: Volume 1 in the mail yesterday! Even better, tonight is the Kid's Choice Awards! I have to work tonight though. Boo! I'm going to be recording it on my DVR though. I can't wait to see BTR perform, and I really hope they win both awards they're nominated for! I just hope they don't perform "Boyfriend" because that's the only song they play anymore on Nickelodeon during commercial breaks or whatever, and it's getting a bit played out in my opinion. Besides, there are other songs on the album that I like way more than "Boyfriend." Just saying…
