A/N Once again blown away by the kind and awesome reviews! Most of you offered some great insight and I love it! I noticed some of you were a little divided by Leo's reaction, while most said he was in character, some thought he should've been more forgiving. Fair enough, I can't argue, though I want to point out that no one is one hundred percent in character one hundred percent of the time, especially when faced with a crisis. Also, to my wonderful critics (thanks for your honesty, I mean it!) if you thought he was OOC last chapter, you should've seen the first draft that I scrapped! LOL! There was a scene that I thought looked cool, but did go a little too far and definitely teetered on the edge between unsympathetic, over the top and OOC. Also keep in mind, this story is as much about their own personal journeys emotionally after a traumatic event as it is about the event itself.

I can't believe how well received this story has been! Especially considering how I'm still kinda new to the fandom! Thank you to everyone who has read/reviewed/favorited and/or followed this story.

Funny how something that started as a little one shot has evolved, seven chapters and still a ways to go. It's kind of taken a life of its own.I hope y'all will stick with me on this journey!

Anyway, enough babbling! On with the story!

Enjoy!


Chapter Seven

Raph wasn't sure how much time had passed between Leo leaving him alone and when he finally stopped crying. He stopped rather abruptly as though he suddenly had no more tears to shed and in the absence of tears he was left feeling numb.

He sat in the dojo, still in the spot he landed when Leo threw him, his head hung low in guilt and shame.

What have I done?

He still couldn't believe what happened, it didn't seem real. It felt like a horrible dream that he had yet to wake from. He had vowed a long time ago that he would always protect his brothers, especially Mikey. Technically, he was only a few days younger than everyone else, but Mikey was in many ways like the kid brother that annoyed the hell out of everyone and got away with everything, but at the end of the day was the one who held everyone together, was the one who could coax a smile out of you no matter how bad of day you were having.

Somehow, despite their identical upbringing as mutant freaks trained as ninja, despite all the trials and hardships they faced, Mikey managed to keep his childlike innocence and spirit, a quality that Raph secretly envied. It evoked his protective nature and he had made a vow to keep him from harm and preserve that innocence as long as he could because to break such a spirit would be unforgivable.

He recalled the time when Mikey was hurt while battling Snakeweed. It happened while Raph was in charge and he put the blame solely on himself because Mikey got hurt following his direct orders. Mikey had been unconscious for hours and Raph had been terrified. While it turned out that Mikey was more or less OK, aside from what turned out to be a nasty concussion, it was the first time Raph had to confront the reality that they weren't indestructible.

While Mikey had been out for the count, Raph had found himself imagining a world without Mikey, and that was a world he never wanted to see. While the thought of losing any of his brothers was terrible, Mikey's childish insanity was what kept everyone grounded, kept everyone sane. He had silently promised then that if anyone or anything wanted to hurt him, they'd have to go through Raph first. He wasn't going to let anything happen to his little brother if he could help it.

What have I done? I'm supposed to protect Mikey, not…not hurt him! He couldn't bear to articulate, even in his own thoughts the one possibility that terrified him more than anything and that was the possibility that he might've killed his brother.

But the thought nagged at him and wouldn't let him go. He couldn't shake the image that seemed to imprint onto the back of his eyelids. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see Mikey, lying lifeless in his arms, not moving, not breathing, Raph's own sai sticking out of his chest, blood dripping from his mouth…

Raph buried his face in his hands and let out an anguished growl and climbed to his feet. He glanced at his discarded sai on the floor from when he dropped it and he briefly imagined himself thrusting his other weapon into his gut and committing seppuku, like the samurais of old, imagining the act would be seen as honorable and redemptive. But he shook that thought from his mind. That would require a balance of both courage and cowardice that he did not have.

I gotta get out of here…he decided, running a shaky hand down his face, Leo's words echoing in his mind.

Man I can't…I can't even stand to look at you right now…

The reality of what was happening was overwhelming and terrifying. He couldn't bear to face it or his family. So he got up and ran.

What kind of coward am I? he thought bitterly as he made his way to the surface and fled into the night.

0-0-0

April O'Neil awoke suddenly, a strange noise pulling her from her sleep. She had been dreaming about something that troubled her and as her eyes snapped open at the strange sound she tried to reach for her dream and hold onto the memory, but in the blink of an eye it was gone. She sighed, having been left with a sinking feeling that she couldn't put her finger on.

She heard the noise again and she realized someone was tapping on her window. Instantly she tensed and reached for something she could use as a weapon if necessary as the tapping continued but then a familiar face appeared out of the darkness and she relaxed, "Raph?" she queried sleepily, somewhat wary because it wasn't exactly typical for her turtle friends to show up at random in the middle of the night. One look at Raph's expression made it clear that something was wrong.

It was starting to rain out, just a light, barely there, drizzle but the threat of a late night thunderstorm revealed itself in the orange glow of the city lights illuminating the dark rolling clouds encroaching upon the neighborhood. She opened the window, and was met with a chilly breeze and the air smelled of an imminent downpour, "Raph? What's wrong?" she asked, taken aback by the emptiness in his eyes.

"Can I come in?" he asked quietly, his voice steady and flat, void of any emotion.

April hesitated and glanced beyond him, but there was no sign of his brothers, her eyes met his again, "Um, sure. Are you OK?"

Raph didn't answer, but he shook his head as he quietly slipped into her room. He moved to the wall and leaned against it and slid down to the floor as though overcome with exhaustion, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

"What happened? What's going on?" she asked, shutting the window. His face hidden behind his hands he lowered his head and his body began to tremble. She knelt down beside him and placed her hand on his shoulder and he flinched as she pulled her hand back and exclaimed, "On my gosh, you're freezing!" She looked at the time, it was much later than their usual patrols ended and she got the impression that he was outside for a long time before he decided to come. "Where are the others? Did something happen to them?"

He didn't answer, instead he let out a soft sound of sorrow and she inhaled sharply, suddenly fearing the worst. It was then she noticed blood on his shoulder. There wasn't a lot of blood, and it looked like it had dried a while ago but it helped fill in a small piece of the puzzle Raph's sudden appearance and odd behaviour presented to her. It didn't look like it was his, "Raph? Did something happen? There's blood…"

"I messed up," Raph murmured absently, his voice hoarse, "I messed up bad."

"Raph," April reached for him again, placing her hand on his knee. He flinched at the touch and looked up at her as though he just realized she was there.

"I'm sorry," he shook off her hand and scooted back, "I…I didn't know where else to go."

"It's OK," April said softly, unable to conceal the worry from her voice. They sat in silence for a long moment, Raph sitting with his shell against the wall, and April kneeling in front of him, leaning back on her heels to give him some space. She could feel her heart pounding with worry, a series of worst case scenarios playing in her mind. He wasn't exactly giving her a lot of clues and clearly wasn't quite ready to talk. All she knew was something bad happened, and it had to have been really bad to put Raph in such a lost, broken state. And whatever it was, Raph felt responsible.

Outside there was a flash of lightning followed by a low rumble of thunder five seconds later as the rain started to splatter against her window. Softly at first, but within a few moments it really started to pick up. She watched it for a second and then turned back to Raph who mentally seemed to be somewhere else. "Raph, please," she asked finally, "what happened?"

Raph blinked and looked at her for a second before glancing away as though in shame. He stared at a scuff on her floor like it was the most fascinating thing in the world. Finally he spoke, "I…" he cleared his throat, "I screwed up, April." His lower lip trembled and he drew a deep shuddering breath, resting his head on his folded arms on his knees.

Instinctively she reached to put her arms around him in comfort but he pushed her away, scooting away from her until he was in the corner, "Don't," he begged, "just please…don't…" he shook his head and ran his hands down his face, looking helpless and confused and like he was truly at the end of his rope. He muttered something April couldn't quite catch, his eyes distant and unfocused and she could tell his mind was somewhere else completely.

"That's it," April decided, "I'm calling Donnie…" She started to get up to get her t-phone, in the back of her mind hoping that something horrible didn't happen to him or Leo or Mikey. She didn't get very far because Raph suddenly grasped her by the arm and looked at her pleadingly. The look in his eyes sending a new wave of worry to wash through her.

"Please, don't!" he begged.

"Raph, something bad didn't happen to him, did it?"

"I'm not ready to face them," he whispered brokenly, "just please April, I don't want them to know I'm here. I'm sorry for bothering you, really but I just…need a place to stay…" he glanced at the rain hitting her window, "At least until the storm clears…"

"Of course," April nodded, kneeling back down to face him. "So your brothers, are they OK then?"

Raph shook his head to say that no, they weren't OK, and April was starting to lose her patience. She was trying to respect his need for space and be there for him, but she really didn't know how to deal with Raph when he was like this, mostly because she had never seen him like this, and she was tired of him being so cryptic. The turtles had become her family over the past year or so, and if something happened to them…

"Raph, please talk to me, you're scaring me," she admitted, "I've never seen you like this. What happened?"

Glancing away, April could see his lower lip tremble and his eyes go distant again, "M-Mikey…" he said finally.

"Something happened to him?"

Raph nodded.

"Is he OK?"

"No," he breathed shakily. "He's hurt bad…"

"But…he's going to be OK though, right?" April asked carefully.

Raph shook his head and blinked, one solitary tear fell down his cheek and he roughly wiped his eyes, "I don't know."

April took a moment to let the news sink in, her mind going a mile a minute as she tried to put the pieces together and understand what happened.

"I don't…I don't even know if he's…if he's even still a-alive," Raph confessed quietly, his voice breaking as his body began to shake. "Oh god Mikey…I'm so sorry!" he cried.

April felt her own eyes tear up and she reached for him, unable to find the right words to say, "I…I'm sure it's not your fault," she said softly, "you probably did everything you…"

"Don't you get it?" Raph snapped, turning to her and roughly shoving her comforting hand away, "I did it! I was the one who h-hurt him!"

"What?" April gasped in surprise, unable to believe it.

"I didn't mean to but I was…ugh I was so angry! With him, with everything! And I…" he slammed his fist onto the floor and banged the back of his head against the wall a couple of times.

Ignoring her better judgement, April leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him. She didn't have all the facts, but she knew Raph. Whatever happened, whatever Raph had done or thought he did, she knew that there had to be more to it. That it had to have been an accident or a mistake. Raph bullied Mikey a lot, but then again Mikey liked to egg him on a lot too, and that was simply because they were brothers. Raph would never have hurt Mikey on purpose and April knew the guilt was consuming him to the point she was scared of what Raph might do. Out of all the turtles, Raph was the most reckless, especially in times of great emotional turmoil, like now.

Raph tried to push her away, but April held him tighter, knowing how badly he needed the comfort. "P-please, let me go, April," he begged brokenly, "I don't deserve…"

"Shhh," she soothed, her eyes welling with tears. She blinked them back, having a difficult time believing that what Raph said was true, hoping it was just some big misunderstanding. That it was one big false alarm and Mikey was OK and Raph was overreacting. Besides, Raph needed her to be strong right now, whether he would ever admit it or not. He resisted her comfort, but he could've easily pushed her away which meant that somewhere deep down, comfort was the very thing he was seeking even as he felt it was undeserved.

April held him for a while, stroking his shell and head in comfort and soon he relented and leaned into her embrace, resting his head on her shoulder. "Oh god, what have I done?" he choked, not quite crying, but coming close to it.

"Shh, it's OK," she murmured gently, "it'll be OK…" she said, needing to believe that was true.

Raph shook his head vehemently, "No, it won't. If you only knew…" he pushed away from her again, looking away from her shamefully, "I…I'm sorry, I…I shouldn't have come here…"

April shook her head, "Don't say that, you're always welcome. I'm glad you came."

Giving a deep weary sigh Raph leaned into the corner wall, closing his eyes in exhaustion, still trembling from emotion and from the cold.

"I don't think the storm is going to calm down any time soon," April said, "stay there, I'm going to get you some blankets so you can get some rest and stay the night. We'll talk in the morning, OK?"

Raph nodded absently and April sighed a breath she didn't realize she was holding.

"I'll be right back."

"Yeah," he nodded, speaking quietly, his voice empty.

Soundlessly April slipped out of her room, careful to not wake her dad. She knew he would have no problem with Raph staying the night, considering everything he and his brothers had done for them, but he needed the rest and with Raph on edge the way he was, she didn't want to complicate things further by bringing her father into it.

She didn't get far when she felt a cool breeze brush against her back and releasing a gasp she twirled around to see the window open and Raph was gone.

"No," she breathed, rushing to the window. She leaned forward and looked around frantically, loudly whispering his name as the cold rain splattered on her face. But as she expected, there was no sign of him. She watched the shadows for a moment, hoping to see him in the bright flashes of lightning with no luck. Finally, she closed her eyes in sadness and reluctantly closed the window.

Please don't do anything crazy, Raph, she begged silently, her eyes still scanning the shadows.

She startled when her t-phone suddenly went off. She turned towards the sound and saw it vibrate on her nightstand and dived for it, noting that it was Leo before she answered, trying to keep her voice steady, "Leo? What's going on, it's the middle of the night…"

"Sorry to bother you, but have you seen Raph?" Leo asked, anger and pain lacing his words.

"No, why?" she lied, taken aback by the tone of his voice and conflicted about choosing to lie in the first place, even though it honored Raph's wishes. "What…what happened?" she tried not to sound so eager that it showed in her voice that she already knew at least part of the story and was anxious to hear the rest. It took all of her willpower not to blurt out what she was thinking. How's Mikey, is he OK? I saw Raph, he's broken up and I don't know what exactly happened or what he might've done but I'm afraid of what he'll do now...

She heard Leo give a long, shaky sigh, his voice heavy with grief, "It's a long story…"

0-0-0

Meanwhile Raph watched April from the shadows on the rooftop across the street, he waited until she left the window to dare step out of his hiding spot. He ignored the rain pounding against his shell and the deep chill that shuddered through his body and watched her look away and then reach for something on her nightstand.

The t-phone… he realized. He watched her for a moment and saw her slowly sink onto her bed, her hand going to her mouth as though in shock. He ducked away as he saw her jump up and look out her window again, and even through the rain that distorted her image, he could tell she was upset. She stiffened suddenly and turned, rushing out of her room.

She knows…he thought, his breath catching in his throat as he wondered what she thought of him now that she knew the whole story. He wrapped his arms around himself in a vain attempt to protect himself from not only the cold, the wind and the rain, but also from the one possibility he feared more than anything right now.

Mikey…

What have I done?


A/N I know, I know, clichéd thunderstorm! LOL. It was the storm raging outside my window as I wrote this that inspired me to include it.

Thanks for reading! Love it? Hate it? Please let me know what you think!

One more thing...I said before that I don't like to spoil anything, but I know that for some people, a deathfic is a deal breaker and I respect that. I should've thought of this sooner but since Mikey's fate is still unknown, if you want to be spoiled in that regard, just let me know via a PM or review and I'll get back to you ASAP so I can either give you a peace of mind, or save you from reading any further. But for those who are like me and don't want to be spoiled well...you'll just have to wait, won't you! :-P

Until next time my dearest readers!