CARRY ON WAYWARD ROAD
BACK TO THE BEGINNING
CHAPTER 7
Dean had gotten up and went to the bathroom, once he was in there, doing his business, he stumbled over his own feet, falling to the floor, causing his urine to spray everywhere in the bathroom. Sam heard the commotion and rushed in to make sure everything was okay. He didn't know rather to laugh or be concerned at the sight he saw.
"Dean! What happened?"
"I dunno, I fell I guess?"
"Okay, let's get you up."
Sam helped Dean get up and he tucked himself back in his pants, zipping them up. Sam took Dean by the arm and led him out of the bathroom and to one of the chairs that sat at the small table in front of the window. Sam figured, maybe his 8 year old body hasn't caught up to his 10 year old mind yet.
"You sit here." He said, pointing at the chair. "While I clean you mess up."
Dean started struggling against Sam's hold, fear filling his eyes. "NO! please, Sammy no, I'm sorry, I'll clean it up, it won't happen again, I promise. Please don't please, Dad, please."
Sam grabbed Dean by each shoulder and sat him on the edge of the bed, that last part, when he called him 'Dad' had Sam concerned about what was going on in his brother's head.
"Dean! Dean! Calm down, okay? Calm down."
Dean started calming his breathing, but his body was still trembling. He sat, wide eyed, staring at Sam, he would glance at the chair, then back at Sam.
"Please." Dean begged.
"Dean, you don't have to sit in the chair if you don't want to. I'm not mad at you. You aren't in trouble, but I need you to tell me what's going on, okay? I need you to tell me what made you so scared."
"I… I don't want to be tied down, please." Dean's eyes filled with unshed tears, his voice was trembling and pleading.
"Dean, I'm not going to tie you down." He paused to gather his thoughts and sat on the bed beside his brother. "Look, I know Dad tied you down, a lot. I know he taped me down. You've told me that already. But, do you remember me telling you that Dad was gone? That he's not coming back?"
"I… I think so. But I think you told me that when I was younger, but I remember him, after you told me that."
"Yeah, right. I know this is probably really confusing, but I also know you're old enough to understand this. You know the monsters that Dad hunts, right?"
Dean nodded his head.
"Okay, well you and me, we are both older, we are grown ups, and we were hunting a… a ghost, of some type. I'm not even completely sure what it was. If I knew, it would make fixing this a whole lot easier. But, it attacked you, and then, it came after me. I shot it, killed it… so I guess it really wasn't a ghost, ghost. But, that doesn't matter right now."
Sam quickly got back to the point, remembering his brother's mind was only 10. "The thing is, when I found you, you were unconscious. And, when you woke up, in your mind, you were 8 years old. I took you to the hospital, I had to go myself, for my leg. And they said they think it's a concussion, but they don't know what we do. So, I'm sure it's more than that."
Sam never imagined Dean could make him so mentally exhausted. "But, somehow you've managed to age in your sleep, well your mind did, your body is still the same as its always been. And now, I guess you're 10?"
"Yeah, that is confusing. So, you're telling me I'm old?"
Sam chuckled. "Yeah, something like that."
"And… and so are you?"
"Yes, only my mind remembers growing up, I know I'm older, for some reason yours doesn't."
Dean sat, silent, trying to let the information sink in. "So… so, Dad, he's really gone?"
"Yeah, he is."
Dean just nodded his head, he seemed to have a mixture of sadness and relief at the same time. He glanced back at the chair, then lowered his head, looking back into his own lap.
"Dean, look, I need you to talk to me, okay? I need you to tell me what's going through your head. I don't know how else to help you. I need for you to help me, okay?"
"Okay."
"So, things are different than they were when we were kids. If you're hungry, I need you to tell me. If you're scared I need to know and I need to know why. If you're hurt, or sad, or anything. I need you to talk to me about it. I need to figure out what's going on, so I can try to fix it. I'm not going to be very good at it, you were always the one who took care of me. You were the one who knew everything I needed and how to fix everything, but, I'm going to try, okay?"
"Okay."
Dean sat silent for a little while, still trying to let the information soak into his brain.
"You alright, squirt?"
"Yeah, I guess so. I don't know. I know I'm supposed to be okay. I have to be strong, and brave. But, I don't know if I can be right now."
"And, that's okay. You're not going to be punished if you're not, it's just you and me, and I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you."
"You're not mad?"
"No." Sam chuckled again. "I'm not mad."
"You're not going to… to punish me?"
"Nope."
"I don't have to go run or anything?"
Sam laughed, Dude, you're in great shape, you don't have to worry about that.
"I…" Dean looked back at the chair then up at his brother. "I don't like the chair."
"You don't have to sit in it, it's okay."
"I don't want to be tied down. I don't like it. It scares me, a lot. And, Dad's belt, it really hurts!"
"I know, and I know you don't know this yet, but, you're gonna hate being tied down even more when you get older. I know ropes, and having yourself tied down, scares you. I know it causes you a lot of anxiety. I don't know how much it does right now, at this stage in your life, but I promise, I'm not ever going to use ropes or a belt or anything on you. I'm not going to hurt you, or punish you. You got that?"
"Yeah, okay… hey Sam?"
"Yeah?"
"I still miss mom."
"Yeah, I know you do. Do you remember what we talked about? About how her leaving wasn't your fault? That nothing you could possibly do could make her come back?"
"Yeah, I remember."
Sam nodded his head. "Okay, good. Because, it's true. No matter how good you thought you could be, no matter how hard you tried to follow Dad's orders and do what he ordered you to do, it wouldn't bring her back, and remember, she still loved you. She didn't leave because she wanted to…"
"She left because the yellow eyed demon killed her."
"Right!"
"I remember, but, Sam."
"Yeah?"
"I still did what Dad told me to. I didn't stop, even after you explained that to me."
Sam drew in a deep breath. "Dean, like I said, I know this is confusing, but, the things you remember, the stuff that, in your mind, just recently happened, it's all just memories, you're not really 10, remember? So, the conversation we had yesterday, about mom, didn't take place until yesterday, after you were grown. You can't change the past, you can't change what you've done, or didn't do."
"I'm so confused!"
"I know you are buddy! So, lets just take it as it is, okay? Let's just make it through the day, try to figure out what's going on with you, and get you back to the big brother I know and love. But, first, how about we go get some food?"
"I'm game! I'm starving!"
Sam chuckled. "Guess I'll have to drive again, huh?"
"I can drive! I know how."
"Good! Uh, are you any good at driving?"
"Of course I am! Dad taught me, and he's let me drive lots of times. And, with this body, I'll be able to reach the peddles without a problem."
"Okay, remember what I told you yesterday, about how people are going to think you're a grown up, because your body is grown?"
"Oh yeah!"
"Okay, so I need you to try to act like it too, okay? When we are in public, when we're around people, like at the diner, I need you to try to act like you're grown."
"Make believe, again?"
"Exactly!"
Dean really did do a good job at driving, Sam was impressed that at ten years old his brother was as good of a driver as he was at 30. He was thankful his brother seemed to age in his sleep, he didn't know how much more he could have handled of the young Little Dean. But, this version of him was so much better!
He started questioning, if Dean aged in his sleep, if he could somehow get him to sleep for days without waking would that fix this? Would he be himself when he woke? Or maybe he would just be young again? He needed answers, and he needed them fast!
At the diner, Dean was both embarrassed and shocked that the girls were flirting with him. He was just beginning to realize what that was, and what it meant. Sam had to remind him it was because they thought he was grown, but he needed to behave himself and keep himself in his pants until they could figure out what was going on.
He reminded his brother that a ten year old wouldn't know what to do anyhow, and these girls, they expected him to be experienced, which he was not, not at his age.
The brothers finished eating and made their way back to the motel. Dean parked his baby perfectly.
"Dude! I still can't believe this car is mine!"
"Yeah, and trust me, your love affair with it just gets worse." Sam said as he rolled his eyes.
Once inside the room, Sam rested on the bed, his leg was throbbing and screaming at him to rest. He sat back with his laptop doing research. His phone rang, he had a quick conversation with who ever was on the other line, then went back to his research.
Dean had been instructed to watch TV since he couldn't stop asking Sam about the new technology sitting in his lap. He wanted to know everything about it, but Sam just wanted to figure out what was wrong with his brother.
After a frustrating moment, Sam told Dean he had to watch TV and let him do what he needed to do. He had tried to explain to him its like having all the papers they used to look through inside the computer, but Dean couldn't seem to understand, so Sam gave up trying.
"Can I help?"
"NO!"
"Can I take a nap?"
"NO!"
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want you aging, or progressing back to a younger age, or changing at all, not right now. I need to try to figure this out first."
"I can't stay awake forever!"
"You can sleep tonight, and in the morning, we'll deal with whatever we have to deal with. But, for now, I need to concentrate on this."
Silence, silence was good, but short lived.
"Hey, Sammy?"
"WHAT?"
"You don't have to be all hateful!"
"Sorry, I'm just trying to pay attention to what I'm doing, so I can fix you, what do you want?"
"Nothing, never mind!" Dean sat on his bed, pouting.
Sam just rolled his eyes and went back to researching. After the words on his screen started running together, and he noticed his brother was still pouting, he closed his laptop.
"What, Dean?"
"Nothing."
"You're supposed to talk to me, remember?"
"You told me not to!"
"Well, now I'm telling you it's okay, I'm taking a break from my research, so what were you going to say?"
"I miss Dad."
"I know you do, Dean."
"But, I'm glad I've gone all day without being punished."
"Yeah, well, I wish I could tell you that got better, but truth is, it really didn't. He stopped some things, but other things just got worse, but not as often."
"I don't think I want to know."
"I don't think I want to tell you. It's something you're going to have to remember on your own. And, when you do, I need you to talk to me about it, okay? I need you let out your feelings, you can't hold them in, not right now, we gotta get you better, okay?"
Dean just nodded his head.
"I'm serious, Dean, you gotta help me out."
"I know, I understood the first time you told me."
"Okay, so what's eating at you then?"
Dean turned, looking at his brother. "I'm scared."
"Of what?"
"I don't know. I just feel like, I don't know. I'm just scared."
"It's okay to be scared, Dean. I get scared a lot. Right now, I'm scared too."
"You are?"
"Yeah, I'm scared that I'm not going to get my brother back. I'm scared that if I can't figure this out, I'll lose my best friend, my rock, the only person I've ever been able to depend on."
"Me?"
"Yeah." Sam chuckled. "You."
"Really?"
"Yeah, man. You and me, we've faced a lot in life, together. I'm not saying we've always had it easy, or that we've always gotten along, but even if we weren't together, because, you know, sometimes you just need a break from each other, but the thing is, no matter what, we always had each other."
A small smile showed on Dean's face. "No matter how mad we were at each other, or how far apart we were, we knew we were only a phone call away. Or at least I knew you were. I knew if I ever needed you, you would drop anything you were doing to come help me. I can't count the times you've saved me, even when I didn't deserve it."
"So, I'm a pretty cool brother then?"
"Yeah, yeah you're a pretty cool brother! You're my hero! And you've saved me, so many times. You've brought me back from the dead, you've sacrificed so much for me, your whole life. The thing is, I wasn't always as cool of a brother, I've been more selfish, more self-centered, but now, I need to save you. I need to get you back to the old you."
"Can I help? Is there anything I can do?"
"No, honestly, I want you to sit there, and be happy for a moment. Life has handed you some pretty crappy stuff. Things you don't know about yet, things that will tear you down, or at least they would if you weren't so damn tough! But, it gets hard, not all the time, but after so long, it weighs heavy on both of us, so I want you to enjoy the moment that you don't have all that weight on you."
"But, I do. Life has already been hard."
"I know it has."
"And I've already had so much weight on me. I've already faced things that made me want to fall apart, but I had to be strong, for you."
"I know, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry life has been so hard on you, and I'm sorry you got stuck with me."
"Why? I wasn't stuck with you, I've enjoyed it. You are… were… the only good thing in my life! You're the only thing that keeps me going when I want to give up. You give me a reason to live. You keep me alive, so I'm not sorry."
Sam just smiled. "And that's why I need to fix you."
"If life is so hard, and just gets worse, then…. Why do you want to fix me? Why do you want to make me broken again?"
"Because, life has made you a pretty awesome guy! And there's so many good things you'd be missing out on too."
"Maybe I could change it? Make a new past?"
"I don't think it works that way, besides, if things repeat tonight, somehow, at some point during your sleep, you age, and new memories come. I think you probably have dreams, you dream of your life, starting where you stopped at, I guess, and once you're done dreaming, once you wake up, you're stuck in the age, and memories, that you woke from."
"So confusing!"
"Yeah, the thing is, I don't want to mess it up. I don't know exactly what's going on, and I don't know how it works."
"What do you mean you don't want to mess it up?"
"Well, like I said, life gets rough. You have some things happen, and they cause nightmares. If you have a nightmare, I don't know rather I should wake you up, or let you sleep."
"Why?"
"Because, if I wake you up, or you wake yourself. I'm afraid, in your head, you're going to think you're living in that exact moment of your life, again. And I don't want you to go through that again. I'm scared of what you'll wake up with in the morning."
"Is it that bad?"
"Yeah."
"So why does tomorrow morning worry you?"
"Well, because, yesterday you were 8, right? And today you are 10, so you've aged 2 years, so if you age 2 more years tonight, that would make you 12, and… well… some not so nice things happened when you were 12."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Maybe I don't want to sleep tonight?"
"I don't think it can be avoided."
"Is that why I can't take a nap?"
"Yeah, because I want to try to figure out what I can, just in case you wake up in a not such good place."
"Okay."
Dean remained pretty quiet the rest of the day. He didn't bug Sam anymore. Even when he got hungry, he let Sam do what he needed to. He typed away on what he called his laptop and talked on the tiny little phone that he carried in his pocket. Dean channel surfed more than he actually watched a tv program. The sun had started setting. Dean was more than just a little restless.
"Sam?" Dean's voice sounded shy and timid, like he was afraid to bother his brother.
"Yeah?"
"I'm… if, you find a good stopping point, can… we… go get something to eat?"
"Yeah, of course, you wanna go now?"
"Yes, please."
"I thought I told you to tell me if you got hungry?"
"Sorry, I didn't want to bother you." Dean hung his head, this would have been one of those times he would get punished from Dad, for disobeying a direct order.
"It's okay, but I don't want you to worry about that, okay? If you really need something, like food, I want you to tell me, okay?"
Dean nodded his head. "Okay."
"Besides, you need some food on your stomach before taking your next dose of medicine."
Dean turned his nose up at that, but knew he didn't have a choice. He had been coughing throughout the day, causing him to use the inhaler a couple of times. The cold air, when they went to get food, didn't help his breathing any. It still felt like someone filled his lungs with razor blades, but his heart was feeling slightly better, not so much pressure on it.
Dean drove again, since Sam's leg made it difficult for him to do much of anything. Sam noticed, every time they came out in the cold, Dean's cough got worse, he decided it probably wasn't such a good idea to keep dragging him in and out of the weather, so, after they finished eating, they stopped at a small store.
Sam had made a list for Dean and he went inside and gathered what Sam had told him to, he got food for them to eat in the motel room, and snacks for him as well, he also got enough drinks to last them for a while.
Dean hadn't ever been able to buy this much food at one time, and he wasn't used to being able to get special snacks. He may have gone a little over board, but the card his brother gave him accepted the charges and Dean was pleased. Sam noticed the look of satisfaction on his brother's face as he walked out of the store, bags in hand.
Once back in the motel, Dean had started a coughing fit that he couldn't get under control, even after using the inhaler. It ended with him emptying his stomach contents into a trash can. Once there was nothing else to empty from his stomach he fell backwards on the bed he was seated on, and without thinking, he reached up and clutched his chest, rolling on his side with a groan of pain.
"Dean! What's wrong? Where does it hurt?"
"My lungs." Dean answered between puffs of breath.
"They still feel like shards of glass?"
"That's one way of putting it. Hurts, Sammy, hurts bad."
"Okay, okay, just rest okay? I don't know what's going on, or how to help with this. I wish I did, but I don't. The doctor said everything looked good except a small infection from the cold, but you're taking medicine for that."
"It hurts!" Dean cried out.
"Does your heart still hurt?"
Dean shook his head. "Not as bad, a little, but not like before."
"Okay, good, that's one accomplishment."
Sam was clueless, but he figured it was late enough in the evening, and there was no avoiding sleep, so he sat beside his brother, stroking his hair, trying to keep him calm, as he curled into a ball under the covers and fell asleep.
Sam continued his research. Looking into what his contacts had told him they knew and didn't know about the messages he had left them the night before. Finally! Sam thought to himself. He finally started to find something that made sense, something that could help him understand what was going on with his brother. He still didn't know how to fix it, but, he was starting to understand.
