Part Seven
The trouble with being in an area almost entirely existing of students was that it was pretty much impossible to find anywhere to eat that wasn't a fast food joint. Sam had tried in vain to find a nice restaurant to take her to, wanting to do things properly and make this as damn near perfect as it could get, but in the end they'd settled for a burger joint and Jess didn't seem to mind that much. He guessed that she was just glad to be going anywhere considering.
They'd been out for about an hour and Jess had just popped to the bathroom when he tried to phone Dean. Sam did feel guilty, no doubt about that and he could totally understand why Dean was having such a hard time with this. He just wanted to tell his brother how much this meant to him, how grateful he was and how much he appreciated it. He really did have to pay Dean back somehow in the future – maybe he'd fake some passes and sneak them into a Metallica concert or something. And Izzy too. He owed her big time for this.
Dean didn't answer his phone. Sam didn't exactly know where he was, only that he'd left the motel room soon after agreeing to their proposal and had just waved his hand at Sam, brushing him off when he'd asked where Dean was going. In all likelihood he'd probably headed to the nearest bar. The thought of Dean sitting there drinking alone with worries playing on his mind momentarily made Sam feel like crap but that soon faded when Jess returned. He had to concentrate on the here and now. They weren't going to get anything else and he could apologise to Dean again later.
After a while Sam found it easy to see Jess in the form in front of him. Okay so she didn't look right but the words she spoke and the way she acted was so definitely her. She was bubbly, a bit more girlie than Izzy and that made it easier to see the difference. She even smiled the same way she used to and he could hear her laugh, buried in Izzy's different accent nonetheless. It made it all very easy to forget what Izzy was usually like.
He didn't find it so easy to forget the circumstances of this semi date though and the fact that every moment gone was another they were never going to get back. Of course, he reasoned, life was always that way, clocking ticking down towards the finale. But when you had a very definite end in sight it became all the more apparent. He supposed that this must be what it was like for someone with a terminal illness or something, knowing that soon they wouldn't be around anymore. And he was like the relative, trying to make the most of the time left, trying not to think about what was to come because it seemed to cut a part of his gut clean out. He remembered briefly feeling like this before when Dean had been electrocuted and had not been given long to live. But back then Sam had had focus, he'd had the goal of trying to save his brother to cling to. But there was no saving Jessica. At least not in the way he would really like. All he could do is help her move on and hope she really was going to a better place.
Realising that he didn't want to spend their day together feeling sad about the fact that they only had that one day, he pushed all the more melancholy thoughts firmly to the back of his mind and for once totally concentrated on the here and now. Not where they were heading to next, what they might be facing, how they might kill it and all the normal things he had to plan for in his everyday life. No, it was just about the moment and that was almost refreshing in a way.
Walking through the park on a surprisingly warm spring day he could almost believe that this was all completely normal.
They passed some odd modern art sculptures as they walked and he couldn't fail to notice how Jess checked out her reflection in their shiny surfaces.
"Hey, you want an ice cream?" he asked, trying to distract her, trying to keep the illusion of normality going just a little while longer.
She smiled at him
"I probably shouldn't. I don't want to make her fat."
Sam laughed a little.
"Based on some of the junk she normally eats I don't think that's possible."
He briefly wondered if Izzy had heard that. If she was laughing too. But he pushed it away. Now was not the time to be thinking about her. Truth was he didn't like to think that she was still in there at all, watching this all unfold in front of her like some sort of bizarre TV show that she couldn't turn off. He didn't like to think that this last goodbye with Jessica was being watched by anyone. It made it all too weird even for him.
Minutes later, sitting under a tree with ice creams in hand, he watched as Jess distractedly checked out strands of Izzy's hair.
"You know, I always did imagine what I'd be like as a brunette," she joked, trying to make light of the situation.
They sat there and talked, pleasant and sweet. For all the world they were just a normal guy and his girlfriend spending a nice afternoon together.
He watched as she licked dripped ice cream off of the back of her hand and then laughed as she accidently poked herself in the cheek with the rest of the rapidly melting mess in the process.
"It's not funny," she protested, trying to wipe her cheek clean, missing the same bit every time.
He knew he shouldn't do it but his hand reached up anyway.
"Here, let me," he said, rubbing his thumb across her cheek. Even his touch lied to him; skin was just skin after all, it said. It was what was inside that counted.
When she kissed him though, lips brushing against his, the illusion he'd been living in all day was well and truly shattered. He tried almost desperately to ignore it, tried to just close his eyes and go with the moment as he ran his hands gently through her hair and his tongue softly through her mouth. But it was all so sickeningly wrong. He almost expected Izzy's subconscious to battle its way through for a moment just so she could slap him.
It didn't help that his promise to Dean about not laying a finger on her also came sharply to mind.
He frowned deeply as she pulled away, the slow dawn of realisation breaking through the happy fog his brain had slipped into. Jess saw the look on his face, knowing exactly what he was thinking.
"I'm sorry," he said with a soft, regretful sigh.
He was. Sorry that it wasn't her, sorry that he couldn't pretend as she no doubt at least partly wished. But the lips beneath his had felt all wrong. He remembered how they sweetly kissed his cheek once, a kiss of friendship, not love. They weren't his to kiss in that way. He couldn't help baulk at how wrong it felt to feel those fingers momentarily entangling in his hair in longing rather than with their usual ruffle of affection. He was betraying his brother and his friend by even momentarily contemplating not doing the right thing.
"It just feels wrong," he explained when she continued to look at him, "I know it's you in there but...That body...it's all wrong."
Jessica's laugh was odd and false. Maybe she had hoped she could convince him and was disappointed. He couldn't really blame her for trying. Wasn't that one of humanity's most resilient traits – the desire to cling to life?
"I didn't have you pegged as the shallow type, Sam," she said, only half joking.
Sam was all seriousness however knowing that it wasn't the time to lighten the mood even if it was hard to talk about. He had to make her see there was only one way that this was ever going to go. He didn't want to give her false hope.
"I'm not," he said softly, "You know I'm not. But...You're gone, Jess. You should be gone. Dean's right; what's dead should stay dead. This is just...unnatural. I wished to god it had never happened. I wish at least you could have just moved on like you should have done so you didn't have to go through this, but this can't be a solution. You can't stay."
It pained him to say it but there it was, the undeniable truth of the matter that he had been trying all day to avoid confirming. She never should have come back in the first place and allowing her to stay any longer than necessary was in essence an affront to nature. The universe had its own order and way of things and messing with that never ended well.
To his surprise she didn't get upset at that, didn't get angry with him or try to protest her right to live.
"Close your eyes," she whispered quietly.
"Jess..."
"Close your eyes."
Despite his apprehension he did as he was asked, unable to refuse her anything. Well, almost anything at least.
"Can you hear me?"
He frowned a little at that slightly odd question.
"Yeah..."
"No, I mean can you hear me. I know the accent's all wrong but the words are there. You hear Jessica right?"
She took his silence as an affirmation.
"That's because it is me, Sam," she pointed out, an edge of pleading in her voice, "I know I don't look right but I'm not gone, I'm right here still."
Slowly he opened his eyes, shaking his head.
"I can't spend the rest of my life not looking at you and when I look at you I see her," he reasoned calmly, "Besides, I can't do this to Dean. Or Izzy. It's not fair on them."
"I know and I understand that, of course I do. I'm not asking you to. But there has to be another way," she suggested, "You can't just give up on me, Sam. You said you've been doing this kind of stuff all your life. You've got to know something. Can't you bring me back properly?"
Again, he didn't really blame her for asking but she really was clutching at straws.
"There's nothing to bring back, Jess," he said with a shake of his head, "Your body's gone."
"Well can't I just go into someone else?" she said with a shrug.
He wondered how much thought she'd put into that. He understood there must be an air of desperation to her words but that was a bit much.
"Like who?" he asked, slightly disturbed by her thinking and frustrated by that fact that there really was nothing he could do. He wished she'd just accept this, it would make so much easier on him. But Jess always had been a fighter.
"You can't ask someone to give up their life, Jess," he continued, "And you certainly just can't take it."
"Oh I see," she said bitterly, averting her eyes from him, "So it's not just your brother and his girlfriend that you prioritise over me, it's everyone..."
"Jess that's not fair..."
She sighed regretfully and when she looked up at him and saw the stung hurt on his face she was instantly apologetic.
"I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not ready to go. Not yet. I need some time."
Sam couldn't help but get the slightest feeling that she was playing him, knowing what buttons to press and exactly what to say. But he couldn't ignore it either way. Jess had had her life stolen from her. She was only twenty one, beautiful girl with a bright future. Now that would never be and all because she had met him. Surely he owed her something at least? And what difference would another day or two really make? Izzy wasn't going to get hurt and Dean may be a bit pissed but he'd get over it.
"I know," he said soothingly, resting his hand on hers, "And that's okay. Take as long as you need."
"But what about Dean?"
"We'll talk to him."
"You'll talk to him," she corrected, "I think he'd do just about anything for you."
