Matthew felt like he was drowning. He couldn't force his lungs to inhale the air in the room. He felt dizzy, and didn't know which way was up anymore. Sitting before him on the dining room table was a newspaper opened up to the society section. There was a picture of Lili with her fiance. The headlines mentioned something about a Starling, and Mozart...but Matthew didn't get it. All he felt was betrayal, and loss. Things he thought he had buried years ago. Seeing the love in that one grainy photo brought tears to his eyes.
"I knew it!" his almost fiance screeched from behind him.
Matthew spun on his heel to see the accusatory glare of the one woman he believed loved him.
"You still love her, don't you," she sneered.
"I..." Matthew paused. Did he still love the girl who had left one too many times? Of course he hated her for choosing him...but did he?
"I knew it," Bella sneered again. "This settles it. I'm leaving you. You pathetic bastard."
"Wait!" he followed her out of the house. "Where are you going?"
"To Abel's. Hate to break it to you, but I've been cheating on you with him. He's not caught up on someone long gone."
Matthew froze. It would explain all the nights she had left, all the evenings she had crept from his side when she believed him asleep. He couldn't believe it. He was being left alone. Again. No one wanted him, they just moved on.
Slowly he returned into the empty house. It was too big now. The newspaper remained where he had left it, open to the section about Lili. Dully he read it.
Edelstein's Starling, it was titled. Below it read:
There is a story that Mozart kept a Starling. It didn't distract him from his work, and he liked the way it sang. This man, devoted to music found peace in the little bird's song. He even incorporated its lilting melody into the third movement of his Piano Concerto NO. 17. He taught the bird to sing, and wrote a poem in commemoration of its passing. A sweet tale.
A tale which repeats itself. Today rising pianist Roderich Edelstein has his own Starling which he keeps beside him. However his is no bird, but the charming Lili Zwigli. She says "that she has no place in his music". But we all know that is not quite true. She may not play, but she has an appreciation for everything her fiance does. Edelstein is very talented, but when he must play by rote (a rare occasion!) Miss Zwigli is always found by his side turning his pages. She can be seen in modest coloured dresses as not to distract the audience. The way she cares for her devoted musician is inspiring. It is she who picks the perfect carnation for his button hole. Miss Zwigli is the perfect example of a fiance. She knows when to hang back, so that Roderich can be properly greeted by his patrons.
Here she can be seen in a marvelous Dior gown, bought for his premier in Austria...
Matthew glanced at the picture and felt sick. She was showing so much more skin than he would have thought was her taste. Wrapped heavily around her neck was a string of large diamonds. Dripping from her ears, pearls. Overall she looked weighed down. A bird with clipped wings, Matthew thought to himself. A voice inside whispered, this is what she wants. What's wrong with you, can't you be happy for your best friend? You're pathetic if you can't even be glad for her sake.
Matthew was disgusted with himself. He was quite possibly the worst human ever. He should feel happy for her...but all he could feel was sorry for himself. Angrily he stormed out of the house and headed to the closest bar.
He ordered one drink. Then another, and another. Soon he was drunk. The alcohol dulled his pain, but it was still there niggling about in the back of his heart. He drove home angry, and disappointed that the drinks hadn't helped. The newspaper was still on the table, angrily he crumpled it up and threw it out. He stormed up to his room and plopped down on his bed. Glancing up he saw the ring box he had bought the day before. He snatched it up and tossed it at the wall screaming, his voice broken as his heart. He clenched his hands into fists as his body was wracked with sobs.
This always happens. They always leave me behind.
He dug around in the drawers until he found what he was looking for. He hadn't done this in years, but he found it was just like riding a bicycle. Slowly he dragged the razor across his skin. He repeated the action, drawing more blood. A sigh escaped his lips. Hastily, as the pain began to return, he slid the blade across his mangled wrist again. Greedily he kept cutting, getting a joy he couldn't explain from the sight of his blood.
He fell asleep, in fetal position on top of the covers, blade still in his hand.
The next morning Matthew awoke with a horrible hangover. He could barely remember what had transpired last night. He looked at his duvet.
"Merde," he muttered. There were bloodstains dotting the blankets like stars. He glanced at his wrist, and became pale. He looked over at the fallen velvet box, and the rest of his memories came rushing back. His girlfriend had left him...had been cheating on him...and Lili was still in New York with that creep. He was alone. Tears welled up in his eyes once again, he struggled with breathing again.
Depression crept over him, and he welcomed it like an old friend. He snuggled back into its warm embrace like a soft blanket draped over his shoulders. He began to think perhaps it was better to be alone. After all no one wanted him, so why would he want to be with people who didn't want him. He was better off alone. He didn't need anyone.
Matthew spent the rest of the day in bed. Many times he felt as if he could no longer breathe, as if his lungs had just stopped. He even sometimes wished they would. Desperately he clutched his hands into fists, hoping to distract himself from the loneliness and disappointment.
Lili wasn't in any better a place, not as much as Matthew believed at least.
She had returned home, to their flat and Roderich had retired to bed. She knew he had lots of appointments the next day, and still she had foolishly hoped he would wait up for her. Tiredly she made her way into the room. Silently she changed into her sleep ware, keeping the lights off for his sake. She climbed into bed, and stared at the ceiling. She couldn't help but wonder, would Mattie really marry someone so awful? Bella had once been her confidant, her closest friend...so much had changed. She became so unpleasant and only interested in guys. Yet Lili still wished them the best, if only for his sake.
"Ah you made it home safely," Roderich said the next morning over breakfast.
"Yes," she said softly. No questions on how it was were asked. Secretly she was grateful.
"You'll be accompanying me today," Roderich said reading his papers.
Lili was surprised. "What? Why?"
"The press loves you Lili. The interviewer would surely like to speak with you about our engagement and who knows what else." He still hadn't looked at her. Not once.
She sighed. "Alright."
"Wear that Ralph Lauren number of yours, the one that brings out your eyes," he said.
She nodded.
"And maybe your diamonds." It wasn't a question.
"Don't you think diamonds are a bit extravagant for a morning interview?" she asked.
"Of course not. Afterward we will be going in for a photo shoot. Or rather they will be coming here. Make sure everything is neatened up, will you?" he said, flipping the page.
"Sure," she said softly. The flat was already spotless, Roderich needed it that way to compose.
"Wonderful. You better go. It will take a lot to make you presentable today. Did you stay up all evening?" he sounded exasperated. So he had noticed her, Lili felt a spark of happiness run up her spine at the thought.
Miserably Lili dabbed makeup over her already pale face. She brushed powders across her skin, and added touches of colour through blush and eyeshadow. Expertly she ran a mascara wand over her lashes. She felt no pride in her work, and continued by putting on the desired outfit. A sleek design, belted and low cut...just how Roderich liked. Finally she chained the heavy necklace at her throat.
Roderich glanced up when she returned to the dining room. "Mm, better go with the heels today."
Inwardly Lili groaned. Those torture devices prohibited her from walking. On the outside she just nodded and went to get them. As soon as Roderich threw on his suit coat, for he was already dressed, they left.
Lili felt pride as she entered the offices of the magazine. Not pride in herself of course, but pride in the man she was next to. They made a striking pair, everyone in the offices thought so. Both pale and so distinguished looking. Only a careful observer would notice how uncomfortable the young lady was, how she clung to his arm as he walked. They drew every eye, and yet none noticed these facts. All they saw was a stunning woman and a dashing gentleman.
"Ah, hello," said a young woman shaking their hands. "I'm Natalia."
She had an impressive demeanor, and Lili quickly understood why she was the best reporter in her field.
"So Mr. Edelstein, tell me is it true that she is your high school sweetheart?" asked Natalia once they had settled down.
"You could look at any paper to find that out," Roderich replied.
Natalia gave him a side look as if sizing him up. "True enough, but tell me what were you two like together in high school?"
"We were foolish teenagers," he answered dryly.
"Yes," she was getting impatient with his lack of interest. "But you surely wouldn't choose your fiance because of a decision made by a 'foolish teenager'."
He frowned, "of course not."
"Then why are you still together?" she pressed on.
He didn't answer.
Lili shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
"You see quite devoted on your work," began Natalia.
"Ah," Roderich relaxed, this is the kind of question he was used to.
"So why are you interested in getting married? Shouldn't you be focused on your career?"
Again he was stumped.
"You are young, certainly there is time to marry later." There was a smirk on Natalia's lips. "Tell me Miss Zwigli, would you wait to marry Roderich so he could focus on his career?"
"Don't answer that," Roderich said gripping her hand tightly.
"Why can't she answer? I'm sure it would be one of devotion, just as all the other articles say," she said throwing his words back at him. "Does he tell you how to present yourself? What you should wear when?"
"We're leaving," Roderich said rising.
"Oh come now, we were just getting started," Natalia said looking up at him.
"Lili," he barked.
She rose.
"Good day madam," he said striding out. "What a waste."
Lili was silent. Those questions, they made her think. She realized that all the things Natalia had asked about were true. She stopped walking.
"Lili?" he asked.
"Roderich, why are we together?" she asked.
"Not here," he muttered.
"Why not? You never talk to me anywhere. I demand to know."
"Lili don't do this," he said in a low forceful tone.
"Tell me Roderich. Do you really love me?"
"Of course." But as he said it his grip around her wrist tightened. "Come now we're going."
"Roderich, stop you're hurting my arm!" she cried out as he dragged her back home. They were out on the sidewalk, but even so no one took notice of the girl being dragged about. "Just tell me Roderich. Why are you with me?"
He felt a pang. He couldn't tell her that he had pitied her all those years, or that he felt guilty leaving her. He couldn't admit that he was afraid of her brother, and what he would do if Roderich hurt her, but worst of all he couldn't tell her she was good for his image. She softened what some critics called a pompous demeanor. She brought an aspect of young romance to his story, that he believed was beneficial. So instead he lied. "I am with you Lili, because you are a marvelous person. One that I respect on many levels. You are kind, caring, thoughtful, and have grown to be a beautiful young woman."
She could have accepted his words, let them smooth things between them, but she was tired of all the lies. "No. If you respected me you would trust me enough to choose my own wardrobe for your premieres and concerts and interviews."
"Lili, that's not fair. You know I'm just trying to keep you safe from those trashy gossip spreads," he protested.
"I think you're just trying to ensure that you look good!"
He drew up to his full height. "How dare you say something like that."
"It's true." she shrugged.
"Lili Zwigli, if you leave me I'm not sure I'll be able to carry on," he said switching tactics.
She pulled away. "No you will. You have too much to live for, you always have. You will go on to do great things. I know it."
"Lili, don't make me beg." His voice was low and gutteral, so different from his usual tone. He was a desperate man.
She came over to him and kissed him on the forehead, placing the diamond ring in his hands. "Good-bye."
Roderich was angry, this waif of a girl had humiliated him. Wait til the press found out. "Don't you dare try to spin some shit to the press that would ruin my career!"
Lili felt sorry for him. All he cared about was his good name, and his future as a concert pianist. She didn't turn back to reply, but in her heart she knew she would never do that. For the first time in years Lili felt free. But then the dread began to return. Matthew was proposing to Bella any day now. She just hoped she would get home in time.
Wow this is really long. I wanted to thank y'all for your continued support. Parts of this chapter are based on something that happened to me pretty recently, don't worry it wasn't too bad...but I felt inspired to write this while the emotion was still behind it. I hope I haven't kept you waiting too long. Please, please leave a review! ~T.W.o.W.
