And here it is Chapter 7 (oh my god already 7 chapters) this is about memories and feelings and I hope it's quite okay...
and again sadly © for Supernatural is with Erik Kripke
just Pascal and her story and this fanfiction belong to me © Impala67-Ilana
have fun reading ~
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Chapter 7: I tell you about me, tell me about you
It was silent in the Impala, there was no rock music, no bickering, no arguing, just silence.
They just had stopped at a diner and at an art stuff store, Dean had gotten his pie and Sam his salad and Pascal had bought a few pads, with different paper thickness, and a few pencils with different leads.
Since then she kept listening to music and drawing, she didn't talk and when she talked she gave lukewarm answers.
"Okay I'm fed up!" Dean exclaimed and stopped at the next best motel, checking in and not caring whether Sam or Pascal were agreeing with.
He took both keys and went into the motel-room, Sam and Pascal following him, both not really caring what they did.
He opened the door led both in and locked the room, then he called for Castiel, who appeared with a flutter of wings.
"Hello, Dean" he said in his monotone-robot voice, "Sam, Pascal" he said and nodded towards the other two, who gave a nod in return.
"Take those keys and keep them, till i tell you to give them back... and is it possible for you to make us unable to leave this room?" He asked and Castiel nodded, confusion on his face.
But since his charge had asked him to do it, he was sure Dean had a reason to do so, so he left with a flutter of wings, keys in his hands.
"Dean this is just...insane! Lilith is breaking Seals! And we're locked in a motel-room!" Sam said and threw his hands up, Pascal kept silent and watched the two brothers.
"Exactly and we can't fight against that bitch, if we aren't honest with each other" Dean shot back and Sam looked at him like a hurt puppy.
Pascal didn't see a reason for herself to get involved into their "brotherly" conversation, so she took out her pad and pencils and wanted to draw, as Dean took them away from her.
"Oh no, you're meant as well" he said and she looked at him, if looks could kill, Dean would've died a billion times.
"Okay one thing! You're arguing with your brother because he keeps secrets from you? Fine! Don't get me involved in all that Family drama shit! If you're finished call me..." she snapped,ran off to the bathroom and slammed the door shut, locked it and lay herself in the bathtub.
"OKAY I'M COUNTING TO THREE, YOU COME OUT THERE OR I'LL KICK IN THE DOOR!" Dean shouted banging at the door of the bathroom.
"GET LOST!" she shouted back and that was enough for Dean, who liked to kick in doors as we have to mention here, to kick in the door of the bathroom and dragging Pascal out of the bathtub and shoving her on the bed.
"Oh great! Really this is sexual harassment!" she growled, "It's not because i didn't try to rip off your clothes." Dean retorted.
"Actually it is, you touched her without her consent..." Sam mixed in and got glared at by Dean, "Thanks Alan Shore"
"You really watched Boston Legal?" Sam raised an eyebrow.
"..." Dean kept silent and glared at his brother some more.
"You want to come clean? Well then I'd suggest you start Mr. Smartass, you tell us about whatever happened down there and we tell you about whatever made us mad..." Pascal said and hit a nerve, she knew Dean would rather bite off his tongue then talk.
Sam had tried a hundred times to talk him into telling, but he always had snapped at him or changed the topic.
He wanted to talk? He sure as hell could start with talking.
-0-
Dean took in a deep breath and rubbed both his hands through his face, before he sat down on his bed and nodded.
"Okay... the whole truth? ..." and again he took in a deep breath, Pascal looked at him, tried to figure out as to why Dean was willing to talk.
"Dean, I'm damn curious, But if you don't want to talk about Hell, then I'm not pushing you..." Sam said and Pascal nodded.
She was curious too and she still was unsure about all this thing around her, but she could clearly see how Dean struggled with talking and she knew the feeling of not being able to.
She didn't want to force him into talking, though she had snapped at him, she slowly started to regret it.
Pascal moved from the bed to Deans bag and just brazenly took out the whisky bottle handing it to Dean, who took it and drank a fair amount.
"It wasn't four months, you know..." he said and Pascal tilt her head to the side, "What?" Sam asked.
"It was four months up here, but... down there... I dunno time is different..." Dean went on, "It was more like forty years..."
Pascal gasped and held a hand over her mouth, she wasn't the classy girl who was all tears and hugs, but this made her eyes teary.
"My God..." Sam said quietly.
"They sliced, and... carved, and tore at me in ways that you... Until there was nothing left. And then suddenly, I would be whole again. Like magic. Just so they could start it all over. And Alastair, at the end of every day... every one - he would come over, and he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack, if I put souls on. If I started the torture. And everyday, I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For thirty years I told him. But then I couldn't do it anymore, Sammy." Dean choked up, tears came into his eyes.
And for the very first time she had been travelling with the boys, she saw the Dean behind all of the macho, the Dean that took all this pain, so his brother could live.
So his brother who had died too young, could have another chance, a chance which took it's tall on Dean.
"I couldn't. And I got off that rack. God help me, I got right off. And I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls." Dean was crying now and Pascal wished to hug him, to tell him it was okay, but she knew Deans pride wouldn't let her.
"The things that I did to them..."
"Dean... Dean look, you held out for thirty years. That's longer than anyone would've," Sam said gently.
Dean shook his head, then ran a hand over his face, still crying. "How I feel... inside me... I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing."
She was speechless, she didn't know what was more terrifying, that Dean was crying from just remembering Hell, or that she couldn't say a word about anything, because she knew all that she had to tell was nothing compared to Hell.
And she had made that stupid comment, oh how she was ashamed of herself for even talking like that to this man in front of her.
The man who had to deal his whole life with monsters, just so they could take him in the afterlife and torture him.
The man who took all upon himself, just to keep his brother alive and safe, a man with so much love for his own flesh and blood, that she couldn't help the tears spilling.
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to... I didn't want to..." she chocked out and couldn't help herself again, to cry even more as guilt washed over her.
Sam on the other hand was silent, he couldn't say anything his hate for Lilith growing, oh how he hated the bitch who had had the contract of his brother.
Who took his brother down to hell and made Alastair torture him.
-1-
"I guess then I... I should tell you too..." Sam stuttered and looked guiltily at his brother, before he sat down, took the bottle from his brother and took a swig himself.
"Why do you trust her so much?" Dean suddenly asked, wiped the tears from his face and looked at his brother, Pascal had a pillow pressed against her face, but she was listening.
"She saved my life..." he replied and Dean raised an eyebrow, "After you had been taken, I was attacked by a demon, Ruby had gotten her body back and killed the guy, before he could kill me.
She made me drive to god knows where, trying to talk to me... tried to convince me not to give up. But you were dead and I was fed up with it all, so I told her to stick it where the sun shines, as you did with Alastair... I told her to leave the body of the secretary she was staying in and if she wouldn't, I would send her right back to hell. I also told her I had no use for her, if she couldn't bring you back." Sam said and took in a deep breath and drank some more.
Pascal really wondered how much alcohol the two men could drink, without getting drunk, but it seemed as if this business, required alcohol to forget the horror they'd witness each and any day.
"Then she came back, in another body, you saw her... She had taken a coma patient, whose soul was gone already.
She told me she couldn't bring you back, but she could give me something in return, Lilith.
I was willing to do whatever to get revenge on that bitch, but as Ruby told me she was going to jump start the apocalypse, I was sure as hell I had to stop her.
So I took Ruby's offer in teaching me and she taught me what I needed to know" Sam said.
"So? What did she teach you?" Dean asked, "Well, the first thing I learned? I'm a crappy student." Sam continued.
"She made me exorcise people, those whose bodies were already on the point, that nothing could heal them.
People who were practically dead, she kept the demons in devil's traps and I had to exorcize them with my powers.
At first I had headaches, my nose was bleeding and the demons weren't getting out of the body.
I was going insane, it was to slow and you're gone... I felt miserable and she was there, she told me she still felt human.
That she knew how it was to loose someone and I didn't want to hear it, I refused to deal with your death.
That's when Ruby offered herself to me, told me it was okay, that I needed someone and that she was there for me.
We kissed and then.. I pulled off her shirt and she pulled off mine and the kiss got deeper..."
"Sam..." Dean cut in and Pascal was more then thankful behind her pillow, she really didn't want to know how the sex with ruby went.
Sam looked at Dean, though Pascal couldn't see that, "Yeah?" he asked "Too much information" Dean said.
"I told you I was coming clean!" Sam replied, "Yeah but now I feel dirty" Dean replied.
"Okay well uh-brain stabbing imagery aside, for all you've told me about is a manipulative bitch who screwed you, played mind games with you and did everything in the book to make sure you went bad"
"Yeah well there is more tot he story" Sam said "Just skip the nudity, please" Pascal mumbled behind her pillow.
Sam nodded blushing, he just remembered he wasn't alone with Dean, but was having Pascal in the room as well.
"Pretty soon after that, we put together some signs... Omens" Sam went on, "Saying what?" Dean again interrupted, "Lilith was in town" Sam replied "And I wanted to strike her first...Ruby tried to convince me that I wasn't ready and she was right I wasn't. But this wasn't about killing Lilith or revenge and she soon realized I just wanted to die.
I didn't want a life where my brother was not by my side, where my brother had traded his life for mine... Which wasn't worth a penny, next to his...But I didn't care, so I shoved her aside and went for Lilith" Sam took another swig of the bottle.
"It was a trap and the child in there was not Lilith, but a human child taken hostage by two demons. Ruby came in helping me killed one of the demons and made me rescue the girl.
Whilst she was in serious problems, the demon ready to cut her into pieces.
I came back and exorcized him, my nose still bled, but I was able to stand and did not have any headaches.
I had tried changing place with you! I had tried to get into hell instead of you... I'm tainted but you? You didn't deserve to be in hell... But no crossroad demon would.
They told me they needed you down there, I don't know why or for what... Ruby came back for me... Whatever you have to say, she saved me. More then that, she got through to me. What she said to me... it's what you would've said..." Sam finished and Pascal couldn't help but understand Sam.
Neither Dean nor Pascal said anything to this and the young girl was consumed in her thoughts, when Dean poked her with the bottle of whisky.
-2-
"We spilled our guts, here you go" he said and she sighed, took a swig herself and coughed for the burning sensation in her throat.
"And before you two make any comments, I shouldn't drink at all... In my dimension I'm really religious no drinking, no sex... yeah Dean I'm still virgin..." she said as she saw the look of horror on Deans face.
"I was born into a strict family and my father was the first born.
Which automatically made his first born child the heir to everything. But sadly instead of a pretty boy, my mommy gave birth to me.
And believe it or not, my Dad hated me the moment I came out of my mom. And how my grandparents hated me... I was not a boy and they had no use for a girl.
My dad wasn't pleased with my appearance I was black haired and black eyed, I looked like a baby demon to him.
So I was given to my grandparents and they trained me from three years up, determined to use me like they could use a boy.
Ignoring my gender and putting me through, what they would've put the son through.
I wasn't allowed to have any friends was home tutored and had to learn from hand to hand combat, down to using a gun everything.
There were moments, where I would just give up from exhaustion...
And my grandfather would make sure to punish me for giving up, I would be beaten and he would continue with the training.
I learned to read and write, when I became four. I was a pretty quick kid, could speak fluently with two..
I tried my best to please the two, to be better then any boy... to be better then any adult." she said and buried her face into the pillow again, this time her face sideways, so they could hear her clearly.
"I kept fighting against my instincts, to just run away...
Oh how many times I dreamt of a life far away, with those picture book parents who loved me and cared for me.
Till I got six years old, neither my mom nor my dad had contacted me.
And when I was about to go to school my mom took me back to Germany.
My grandparents had made sure that I had learned German and so I had no problems with interacting language wise, but I had no knowledge about talking to people correctly, my language would always be to polite.
I didn't play with the kids, cause I didn't know how and I couldn't participate in sports, cause I was too afraid of hurting someone. And soon I got the freak of the school..." she took in a deep breath.
And when I had become eight my grandpa wanted me too meet my new bodyguard, there had been two assassinations against me, which failed thanks to the guard of my grandparents.
But they were afraid, that it would be too conspicuous if I had two big men in black next to me, wherever I walked..."
"Wait you were about eight, when you got your very own bodyguard... What were you Barack Obama's Child?" Dean cut in and she huffed.
"No but for the countries where my grandparents came from, it was just normal to assassinate those who were the heir to the empire build by the family.
So no one could take over, once the old ones die... And I tell you I couldn't care less, if any of them died on the spot.
But this is nothing to concern yourself with... I got my bodyguard and he was just six years older then me...
We got friends and even something close to family.
He read to me books, Alice in Wonderland was my favourite, he told me about his siblings and his family.
And eventually I met them once or twice and I fell in love with them, they were what I pictured a family had to be like.
When I was about fifteen, I met his brother who was always abroad, he was perfect.
And I don't talk about this shitty Vampire sparkle thing perfect or this I'm-wearing-pink-googles-and-live-up-on-cloud-nine perfectness.
But the perfectness to accept me, with knowing what a crappy family I had, we got friends and I soon developed a love for him which was annoying as hell.
I wasn't able to draw anything, but thinking about him, heck I even wrote poems..." she continued and could clearly hear Dean whisper "Chick-flick".
"But all good ends right? And it ended when I forgot to put away my diary.
My grandfather got it into his hands, thank his secretary for it, this bastard hated my guts.
And always found a way to punish me, because he was just a secretary and I was the heir.
But I seemed to not give a damn, and I really didn't.
So my dear grandpa got my diary and he punished me, I was about seventeen at this... My grandpa called me to his office and I had this bad feeling in my stomach... You know the Omen that something was definitely fishy ..."
"And let me guess, you still went to see him?" Dean asked and she nodded, "Yeah..."
"I was lead into the basement,where we normally would train and he told me to take of my t-shirt so I was standing just in my bra there.
I was uncomfortable with the situation, but I feared him more then anything on this world and so I just did what he wanted.
I took off my T-shirt and he motioned me to go lay down on a table, we used for medical treatment, you know the one with the handcuffs, so you couldn't trash around? He made me lay down face down and cuffed my hands, I started to panic, but he didn't care.
He phoned someone and soon my whole division I worked with, was assembled and I couldn't say what was more humiliating... My division seeing me like this, or what my grandpa did next..." she said and Dean made a noise of horror, whilst Sam let out something between a growl and a hiss.
"This is inhuman!" Dean growled and Sam nodded in agreement with his brother, Pascal looked up her eyes had something, which told them she was playing it over in her head.
"No it is life, the weak ones pay the price and I was damn weak..." she said, "I lost count on how many times the whip came down on my back, I lost count how many cigarettes he had put out on my skin, or how many times he took the iron and heat it up, just to put it on my flesh.
I cried, I yelled, I shouted and begged him to stop and soon I found myself unable to say anything.
He told me over and over again, to break the contact to the guy and to never mention him again, to not let myself get tainted by him.
That I was born to obey the family wishes and that I only lived to serve the family.
But he was the only good thing in my life and I didn't want to loose hope in the good, so I kept hold of the memories.
My division was speechless, they wanted to help me but knew, as soon as they intervened they would just make it worse for me.
But my will was always my strong point and I kept telling him no... like you did with Alastair or you with Ruby... I told him to stick it where the sun shines... And it got worse... I don't know how often the doctor tried to save my life, I was always walking a thin path. And then it stopped, it all stopped the torture, the pain... everything.
He had gotten bored and he knew I wouldn't break... he said I could've the boy and I should see how far it'd bring me...
But if told him about anything that had happened, or about my jobs he'd make sure we both wouldn't see the sunrise ever again"
Dean and Sam were at a loss for words, they couldn't say what was more horrible, that she had been barely a teenager, or that she had survived it all.
"I got this wings tattooed as soon as the scars were fully healed and weren't hurting anymore... I didn't want him to see the scars and unless you know what you're looking for I hoped you wouldn't see them. I kept doing jobs for my grandparents... guarding rich snobs who paid for it and eventually I had to kill to survive... But I had to, cause the man I loved, with the ocean blue eyes and the golden hair and the dimples in his smile was awaiting me."
"Is that why you don't want to show your back? Because you're afraid of people questioning you?" Sam asked and she shook her head.
"no... I'm afraid that people would see what a weak low life I was... and I was afraid it'd disgust people.
He was the only one I loved and still love, the only one I ever wanted... and now... I'm here and he's there and I don't know what he's thinking... If he's searching for me... or if he's actually glad I'm gone.." fresh tears streamed down her face and she found Sam hugging her and Dean holding her hand.
"It's okay... he'd be stupid to not want you back..." Dean said and looked away embarrassed, "That guy... he better look for someone else, cause it might be that Dean and I decide to keep you... We always wanted a younger sister... right?" Sam said and smiled, "Sure as hell man..." Dean agreed and she still wasn't sure.
"But i killed..." she whispered, "To keep yourself alive, which is as far as I can think, self protection..." Sam replied, Dean nodding.
"We're some crappy group huh? We could make the perfect TV-show... wait, we're already one..." Dean said and both Sam and Pascal had to laugh...
-3-
"You know i think i look quite sexy, in that episode" Dean said and pointed at the TV, they had put in the DVD's Pascal had gotten from her friend.
She still had them and Dean and Sam had wanted to see how they looked on TV.
"Well in that dimension it's Jensen who looks quite sexy" Pascal replied and Dean frowned, "What a weird name... Your dimension sure has weird people..."
"Well i think the actors and all that stuff, it's pretty good isn't it? Looks quite realistic..." Sam said and Dean nodded, "Though this woman in white? She was a bitch"
After they had watched the DVD and the Winchesters commented whatever was happening, they decided to shut the TV down.
"Hey guys, how about a little game?" Pascal asked and Dean agreed, he liked games especially when they involved alcohol.
"What about you Sam?" the girl asked and he agreed sighing, he didn't want to be the spoil sport, not this night.
"So what's the game you want to play?" Dean asked and Pascal explained the rules, which were quite simple.
One started with a question, everyone had to answer, no answer meant alcohol, lying meant alcohol as well.
"And how would you know that I'm lying?" Dean asked and she laughed, "You'd be surprised what I can notice about people. And really Dean, as soon as alcohol is involved you talk of your own accord." she replied.
"Okay then I'd say Sam starts" Pascal said and put the half empty whisky bottle on the table, whilst Dean took out three other bottles he had had in his bag.
"Okay, the strangest thing you've ever seen" he said and smirked, "Oh come on! Our life is now filled with strange things!" Pascal said and had a hard time to remember what had been the strangest moment.
"When I saw myself... You know the doppelganger..." Dean replied, "Could take on your appearance after touching you..." Sam explained to Pascal.
"Okay the strangest thing I saw was... Cas... Well he's an angel... but he looks like a tax accountant..." she replied and Sam and Dean burst into laughter.
"That's cause his vessel might have been a tax accountant..." Sam said between laughter.
"To me the strangest I've ever seen was... I'd say that guy who was close to turn into this monster... The long pig guy..." Sam said and Dean nodded.
"Oh yeah... there was once a case, there was a guy totally normal, close to boring. And then one day he started to eat inhuman amounts.
Got even that far to eat raw meat and then he was close to eat his wife... that would've turned the guy into the monster, his Dad had been... But he didn't... never saw someone with so much self-control..." Dean explained to Pascal this time.
"You guys sure see a lot of things..." she said and looked quite impressed.
"Okay my turn, what's the most disgusting thing you've seen so far..." Pascal asked, Dean shook his head in disgust and muttered "Witches... sons of bitches...", Pascal laughed a little and Sam thought for a second.
"That girl... the one who had been abused by her dead, gave birth to his child, died and the kid lived in that house and tried to survive... had eaten rats and that stuff... total psycho..." Sam answered and Dean shuddered at the memory.
"A guy bathed in acid, you could see his skin flack off from his face and various parts of his body..." Pascal answered and Dean and Sam had a disgusted expression.
"Okay guess it's me now... Hm... the worst Date you ever had" Dean said and both Sam and Pascal rolled their eyes.
"Mine was...the first Date with Jess... I made a complete fool out of myself... stuttered, was shy and all that..." Sam explained and Pascal raised an eyebrow.
"But you look quite good... how come you were like that?" She asked and Sam took out his wallet, showing her a picture of Jess, "She's damn pretty" Pascal replied and Sam nodded.
"And Sam here had height issues..." Dean laughed a little and got glared at by Sam.
"What about your date?" Pascal asked Dean and he got a dark look on his face.
"It was when Dad and I went for hunting without Sammy here... And Dad went missing for a few days, I was drunk and I didn't really care. And before you start complaining, this is my definition of a date... I got wasted and i found myself in a motel room with this hot babe.
And then she suddenly called someone and another guy showed up, the two were married and got off on seeing their partner with someone else... that was utterly ... shitty." Dean muttered and Pascal couldn't hold back a laughter.
Sam though pressed his lips together and tried his best to not laugh.
"Then what about you Miss virgin?" Dean asked and she shot him a glare, "Mine... was... I... " she got barely over a whisper and Dean and Sam raised an eyebrow.
"I had a date with a cross-dressing girl..." she said, this time Dean doubled over with laughter and Sam couldn't help himself and laughed too.
"How did you get yourself into that?" Dean asked now, gasping for air, "A friend set me up for a blind-date and we talked and "he" was so nice, until "he" said "he" was lesbian!" the girl explained and made Dean laugh harder.
They sat there, like a group of friends talking about old times, drinking here and there, the game totally forgotten just in the moment of being normal.
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So some kind of filler chapter and I know Sam and Dean actually told their stories differently, but as I said I'm not quite with the plot, just here and there.
I wrote parts of Pascals past, with a friend of mine... who actually told from memories... And i had to say I somehow was close to tears.
Since i watched Dean talk about Hell on YouTube... just can't see him cry -
hope you liked it and as always comments are much appreciated.
xxx yours Impala67-Ilana
