I woke in the morning to a tousled Elio cuddled up against me and yet another stunning Italian summer's day streaming sunlight through the windows. Gazing fondly at the beautiful face of the boy sleeping with his head resting on my arm, I slowly let my fingertips travel across his shoulder and down his chest, caressing him lightly so that I could enjoy the sensation but not wake him. I lay there, daydreaming in a trance of contentment as I waited for him to rouse from his slumber. Had last night really happened? Well obviously, unless I was still dreaming. What happened now? Would Elio want to talk about it? About us? Would we be different now? Would people be able to tell just by looking at us? I almost felt paralyzed, as if even breathing could break the enchantment that was making my heart sing, causing it to fall silent under the weight of reality once more.

When he finally woke up, I watched his face carefully as he opened those big eyes of his and turned them on me. I knew immediately. Yet I still gave him a tentative smile, to which he responded with a brief imitation of a smile that didn't reach his eyes, before reverting to that careful neutrality that I'd seen before. I felt the familiar sinking feeling in my stomach, although never before had it grasped my innards with such force, turning me inside out and dropping me through the floor. No no no no. Not Elio. I'd waited. I'd asked him. I'd asked him again. I had tried so hard to be sure. I knew we shouldn't have done anything, I knew it. I felt bewildered and airless, like I was being strangled.

He sat up and brushed my hand off him, as if he couldn't bear to be touched by me. Please don't do this to me. I sat up and tried to smile at him again, but found that my face wouldn't follow orders. He gave a repeat of that same brief bland tweak of his lips that showed that he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but would rather be a million miles away than here with me. "Let's go for a swim" he said, throwing my shirt at me. Numbly, I got dressed and followed him as we silently made our way downstairs to the bikes and rode to the river. There, he swam smoothly away from me as I paddled out, letting the cool water wash away any remaining evidence of last night's activities, and also letting it wash away the few stinging tears that insisted on squeezing their way out when I knew he was far enough away that he wouldn't see.

Was I that disgusting? Was loving him that wrong? Why had I been born like this? I had been so wary this time, had held back for so long to be certain that I wouldn't have to endure this soul-destroying rejection – all to no avail. Elio. Elio. I still wanted him. I wanted to believe that he still wanted me, that his reaction was nothing more than the uncertainty every innocent must feel when they share their body with someone else for the first time. I wanted to believe it, but couldn't quite get there. I'd seen the look on his face. After we'd towelled ourselves dry he walked towards me to collect his bike. I had to ask him, straight up. "Are you going to hold what happened last night against me?" I tried to not sound too plaintive. "No!" he responded, no doubt intending to reassure me but it came a little too hastily, a little too pre-rehearsed.

We sneaked back upstairs without alerting anyone to our dawn excursion together. Pausing briefly on the landing outside our bedrooms, words failed me yet again and he headed for the door to his own room. Sighing in resignation, I entered my own room. Once alone, in a flash it came to me. What would Elio himself do in this situation? I asked myself, remembering fondly the courage with which he had revealed his truths to me in the town square – only days ago but also a lifetime. I knew what he would do. He wouldn't allow the other person to avoid knowing how he felt. He would be bold. Fuck it. I took a deep breath and opened the door that separated our rooms. "Elio, come here" I demanded. Gratifyingly, he immediately did. "Take off your trunks." Again, instant if uncertain obedience. I knelt before him and kissed my way down to his crotch, taking him into my mouth. A few flicks of my tongue and I had my answer. I stood up. "Well that's promising. You're hard again." I looked him in the eyes. "Good." I shut the door in his face, almost sagging against it as I grinned in disbelief at what I'd just had the nerve to do. Still, we'd see later on whether his mind felt the same way about me as his body evidently still did. I took a shower then headed down to join the Perlmans at the breakfast table.

I ate my egg in front of Annella and Samuel, astonished that they showed no sign of knowing that this shameless man in front of them had made their son his own last night. Having eaten, I let my mind wander as I waited for Elio to join us. Neither of the Perlmans attempted to engage me in conversation – perhaps they could tell that I wasn't in the mood. Elio took his sweet time. When he eventually arrived, he meandered slowly past his parents, kissing each of them on the cheek as he passed, before sitting down beside me without a word. Had those lips really touched every part of me not five hours ago? Had they really called me by his name in the throes of our love-making? Unable to stand sitting there in silence any longer, I stood up and announced I was heading to town. Perhaps Dr Perlman would care to check my revisions later on? He replied that he would indeed check the revisions before I left them, which wasn't quite what I'd had in mind – it reminded me how few days I had left here. I shunted that thought away and took my leave with an exchange of a few good-humoured "later"s, casting a glance at Elio over his parent's head. His face gave nothing away.

I pedalled hard on the way to Crema, the resulting adrenaline briefly staving off the insidious pain gnawing away at me inside. Once there, I headed for the corner store to find a newspaper, something to read to lose myself in the worlds of others and escape from my own frustrating existence. I was leaving the shop when I heard his voice call my name. Looking up, I saw him breathlessly running towards me, sleeves rolled up exposing his pale upper arms, curls flaring wildly in all directions. I wasn't sure what to make of this. "Something wrong?" I asked. "I just had to see you" he replied, peeling off his sunglasses to expose those sensual eyes, staring at me without artifice, with that brave openness that I adored. My heart skipped a beat. "Aren't you sick of me?" I persevered, wanting to know exactly what he was thinking. "I just… wanted to be with you." He hesitated, curling his fingers up against his chest in sudden apprehensiveness. I couldn't speak. "I'm going… I'm going to go now." He began to turn away. I had to stop him. I found my voice. "Do you know how happy I am that we slept together?" Did I really just say that aloud in public? I must be infatuated. "Not really" he answered, honest as ever. "Of course you don't" I shook my head with a smile as I dropped my gaze to the ground – honestly, this boy. I tried to explain that I didn't want either of us to regret anything, for either of us to have to pay for this, but he couldn't understand what I was getting at.

I gave up and we headed off down an alleyway, not really heading anywhere, but the motion of walking helping to ease the storm of emotion that we had built up between us. Elio's fingers brushed against mine as we walked side by side – casually enough that one could deny we were holding hands, but electrifying to me and as intimate as the deepest kiss. He stopped all of a sudden, bringing his fingers to his lips as he hesitantly asked whether I was glad he had come here. What a question. For the first time it dawned on me fully that he was just as uncertain about my feelings as I was about his. Time to rectify that. I checked in both directions – no-one was around. I put my hand on the wall to one side of him and leant in, as close to a hug as I dared to go. "I would kiss you if I could" I promised him, beaming at him with all my love and bringing a sweet smile to his lips in return. I would do anything for that smile.

Later, once I'd finished all my errands, I went in hunt for Elio who had headed home much earlier. Not by the pool. Not at the piano. Not in his room or my room. His bike was there. While searching the orchard I stumbled across Annella and asked her if she knew where he was. She suggested that I try the kitchen, the little study room out the back or the attic room where he sometimes went to read when he very definitely wanted to be left alone. "I'm sure he won't mind if you disturb him though" she hastened to add. No luck at the first two spots, so I padded my way up to the attic room that I hadn't known existed – what a rabbit warren this place was. I was rapt to see he was there. Sleeping, apparently, on a ratty old mattress on the floor with only shorts on, surrounded by stacks of books. I almost just wanted to watch him sleep, skin glowing in the stream of sunlight that fell through the window. I wanted to trace the angles of his body while he slept. I wanted to snuggle in beside him, skin to skin in the stuffy warmth. I pulled my shirt off and moved into the room to join him.

As I moved to kneel beside him he woke up, watching me in silence as I kissed my way down his chest and then took the direct approach to tell him what I had in mind for the afternoon. He was erect already – had he been dreaming of this very scene? I pushed his shorts down and took him into my mouth. Something unexpected. A sweet stickiness. I looked at him. Blank face of innocence. I tasted again. Fruity… "What did you do?" I asked him with a hint of amusement, for obviously he had been up to something at least a little deviant - innocent my ass.

"Nothing…" he replied, but with such discomfiture that it was clearly a lie. He looked to the side, my gaze following his to see a peach on the desk corner, or rather the mangled remains of a peach oozing at the base. It sunk in what I was seeing. I couldn't help but laugh as I leaned over him to reach out and pick it up. As I sat up to inspect it closer, Elio put his hand over his face. "I see, you've moved on to the plant kingdom already. What's next, minerals?" I said jokingly, turning back to Elio from the ruined fruit to see him squirming with embarrassment. "I suppose you've already given up animals – you know that's me?" I feigned hurt before turning my attention back to the peach. "I'm sick, aren't I?" he muttered, as if he were the only person in the world to have ever used some inanimate object to make do in their lover's absence.

In my hand I held the essence of Elio. It turned me on that he had been so horny that he had fucked a piece of fruit, of all things. I had a sudden urge to show him that I wanted to take him into me in every way possible, to show him that he was part of me, that he would be carried in me forever. "I wish everybody was as sick as you" I said with a smirk as I put a finger into the sticky, white centre of the peach. "Please don't do that" he begged. "You want to see something sick?" I wanted to assure him that he wasn't sick, or at least that whatever sickness he might have, we shared it. "Please don't do that" he repeated. "You want to see something sick?" I brought my cum-covered fingertip to my mouth to lick it clean, but he lunged at my hand to wrench it from my mouth. I caught his hand in mine and twisted it sideways, holding him down with ease.

I wished he would just stop fighting and allow me to achieve my goal of reaching an entirely new level of intimacy with him. As I moved to take a bite out of the peach which I still held in my other hand, he lunged at me again, knocking it from my grip. It skittered across the floor. "Why are you doing this to me?" he asked accusingly. I bent over to pick up the battered peach-half that I could reach and turned back to him, pinning him down with my other arm as he struggled in vain to break free. "You're fucking hurting me!" he hissed. "Then don't fight" I responded calmly, shoving him firmly back against the bed as I turned my attention back to the fruit. Suddenly he was head-first in my lap, arms around my waist, sobbing deeply. Taken aback, I hesitated for a moment. What had I done?

I'd made the mistake of treating him as if he were more experienced, when it was quite clear that he was new to this game. You insensitive fool. I hastily put aside the peach and stroked his back lovingly, scooping him up into my arms. "Come here." He wiped his face clean of tears, avoiding my gaze as I clasped his face with my hands. "I'm sorry" he said. "It's ok" I whispered back. He glanced at me for a split second but was too self-conscious to hold my gaze. I kissed him deeply. "It's ok." I tenderly kissed his eyelids, his forehead, his neck, and pulled him into a hug as he sniffed and clutched at my shoulder with something like desperation. "It's ok." Finally, voice quavering, he said what was really on his mind. "I don't want you to go." I simply hugged him tighter. There was nothing I could say. And there it was, filling the room, oppressing in its inevitability. That agonising fact that haunted each and every one of these blissful days, making them all the more precious as the day we would be separated drew ever closer.

After dinner that night, I took Elio by the hand and led him to my secret spot deep in the garden. "I want to look at you in the moonlight" I told him, bringing merriment to his eyes. "Sit right here" I instructed him, picking him up bodily and placing him gently onto the curved stone opposite where I always sat. "You have no idea how many times I've dreamed of you sitting there" I told him as I sat down facing him, letting my thighs rest on top of his. Elio sighed with regret that we had "wasted so many days." Yes. Though perhaps those days had ultimately been a necessary part of the twisting route that had brought us to this place. He demanded to know why I hadn't given him a sign, which of course made me laugh, he really had been oblivious. "I did!" I insisted. "When?" he replied, folding his arms as if I would find it difficult to prove my case.

I sat up, smiling at the memory of the first time I'd tried to signal that I was interested in him. "Do you remember when we were playing volleyball? And I touched you?" I put my hand on that very same spot on his shoulder, before continuing. "Just to show you…" Kiss. "That I liked you." Kiss. He looked upwards, a short sharp "ah" as realisation dawned. Pushing him playfully in the chest, I let him know exactly how he'd made me suffer. "The way you reacted made me feel like I'd molested you!" He apologised a couple of times, leaning forward and stroking my thighs with his hands. "No it's fine, I just decided I should keep my distance" I explained. So much miscommunication. If only we hadn't been forced to fumble in the dark. If only. "I come out here for hours almost every night" I told him. Wistfully, he murmured back "I didn't know that… That's funny… I thought…" "Yeah I know what you thought!" I grabbed him, friskily wrestling his wriggling arms, glad beyond measure that I had finally set that straight – no Chiara, no other girls, no boozing in the bar, just a lonely soul trying to find some peace with himself. I could tell something had lifted from his mind at this revelation. I pulled him into me and we made out for a long time under the starry sky.

When we finally returned to the house he hesitated on the landing outside our rooms – uncertain which room he should be heading for, I presumed. As if. I solved that one for him, grabbing his hand and leading him to my room. Our room. Undressing him reverently, I lay him down on the bed and simply held him as he fell asleep, feeling protective of my Elio who I guessed was most likely still a little sore from the previous night. Holding him was just fine by me.