Author's Notes:

Thank you to all of you who take the time to not only read, but also review. I sincerely appreciate your thoughts.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.


Chapter 7: Confusion

It was the same dream, again. Edward was standing right in front of me, holding out his hand. I reached for it, desperate to feel his touch, but my hand simply passed through his. He looked as bewildered as I did, reaching for me, trying to pull me towards him but to no avail. Soon his figure started to fade away, disappearing into thin air until I was standing there alone, all alone.

I sat up in bed breathing heavily, feeling dangerously close to hyperventilating. Tiny beads of sweat peppered my face. I closed my eyes, willing myself to calm down. It was a dream, it was just a dream. Memories of the night before came flooding back into my conscious - the sight of Edward as he looked deep into my eyes and asked if he could kiss me, the sensation of his full, round lips meeting mine, the feel of his tongue tracing the outline of my softly puckered lips and finally, the complete and utter bliss that consumed the both of us as our bodies settled together in sleep.

My hand reached out, searching for Edward. I felt up and down the covers at my side but found nothing. I opened my eyes, willing myself not to panic. Edward was there. Edward must be there. And then, out of the corner of my eye, I noted the time on the clock. It was past ten in the morning. Edward had an early cast call that morning and it was clear to me then that he was gone. I didn't need to look down at my side, to the empty space that should have been Edward, to confirm this. Edward was gone, and he had left without saying goodbye.

My heart slammed into my stomach and I fought hard against the urge to run to the bathroom and vomit. In all of the nights that Edward had spent here with me, never once had he left in the morning without saying goodbye. He always said goodbye. Even if it was just a gentle whisper in my ear, he always said goodbye - but not this morning. And there was only one reason I could think of, only one reason that made any sense at all as to why he had left without saying goodbye. Edward regretted what had happened between the two of us last night. Edward was running away.

I clutched at the sheets, pulling them up to my chest, fighting uselessly against the sobs that threatened to erupt from my chest. So I let them come. I felt the fat tears roll down my cheeks and didn't even bother wiping them away. I didn't understand how this could have happened. I had been so careful. I had waited so long to be intimate with Edward so as to be absolutely certain it's what we both wanted. And it really seemed as if we had both wanted what had happened last night to happen. He was the one that asked to kiss me, damn it! I had been hesitant, had struggled with the question of what it would mean for our relationship. But I trusted Edward. And I was hopeless where he was concerned. Hopelessly drawn to him, hopelessly bound to him and Jesus, Fuck, Christ, God, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT…..I was hopelessly in love with him. I was hopelessly in love with Edward.

I wasn't sure how I had let this happen, but the more I thought about it, I wasn't sure I'd had any choice. Somehow it felt that falling in love with Edward was just something that would happen, as if it were pre-ordained and neither one of us had any control over it. That's how it felt, anyway. And I felt certain it was the same for Edward. He'd felt the charge between the two of us, the energy that drew us together bonding us to one another in the most inexplicable yet awesome way. He'd told me so last night. So how could it be that he wasn't here with me now? What had happened?

I wiped at the tears that stuck to my face and pulled the covers away from my chest. If Edward hadn't said goodbye, might he at least have left some sort of note? I tried to allow some semblance of reason to take hold and to fight back against the paranoia that fed my fears. A note made the most logical sense. It wasn't logical that Edward would have left without saying anything. He must have left a note.

Somehow or another I managed to pull myself out of bed, stumbling into the kitchen, my eyes searching frantically to and fro for any sign that Edward had been there. I scanned the countertops, but saw nothing. I noted that there were no dishes in the sink. There were not any plates or mugs to suggest that Edward had even taken time to have breakfast. My eyes continued past the sink to the coffee pot, and that's where I saw it. It was a small, white piece of paper folded neatly in half and tucked securely behind the coffee pot. He'd known I would look there because he knew that the first thing I did in the morning after waking up, even before using the restroom or brushing my teeth, was to put the coffee on. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. My heart was pounding in my chest and tears of relief threatened to spill forth from my eyes as I reached out and grabbed the note. I opened it carefully, taking care not to smudge his handwriting with my tears.

Good morning, Bella. Hope you slept well. I won't be able to make dinner this evening as filming is due to run very late. Perhaps I should sleep at the hotel tonight so you can have a solid night's rest. I'll call you. Edward.

I read the note over and over again. It made no sense whatsoever to me. It seemed so cold and so detached, especially after what had happened between the two of us last night. And Edward never wanted to spend the night in his hotel - ever. Why on earth was he suggesting this now? I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe that Edward was running away from me, from us, but honestly what was I supposed to think? It was every girl's most basic fear – regret. That a person could wake up the morning after having made a monumental decision to move forward with a relationship only to find that the other person regretted what had happened. The fear that that is what had passed between Edward and I shook me to my core. I had been so worried that kissing Edward would change everything and it was clear to me now that it had.

I couldn't think of anything in that moment other than to call Alice. So I did, and when she heard the despair in my voice she told me she'd be right over. True to form, she was. She walked through the door thirty minutes later and I grabbed her up into a hug, crying into her neck and holding onto her tight.

"You were right, Alice," I sobbed uncontrollably, releasing all of the tension from the morning as I held fast to her. "I fell in love with him."

"Shush," Alice whispered into my ear, gently rubbing her hand the length of my hair from the top of my head down my back. "Why are you crying?" She asked hesitantly a few moments later as she gently extricated herself from our embrace and looked up into my tear stained eyes. "Falling in love is supposed to be a beautiful thing, Bella. It's supposed to make you happy, not make you cry." I shook my head at Alice, sinking backwards into the couch. Alice came and sat by my side, taking my hand in hers.

"Edward kissed me last night," I said.

Alice looked at me with a blank expression on her face.

"And you're upset about that?" She asked, clearly bewildered by my current emotional state.

"He left this morning without saying goodbye, Alice. He's never done that. He always says goodbye," I trailed off. I could feel the tears burning my eyes.

"Hey, Bella," Alice said, reaching out and pulling me gently towards her. I rested my head on her chest and allowed her to comfort me. "He probably just didn't want to wake his sleeping beauty is all," she said, kissing the top of my head. "Have you tried to call him?" I shook my head no.

"He left a note," I mumbled into her chest.

"What did it say?"

"That he wouldn't be able to come over until very late tonight and that perhaps it would be better if he slept at the hotel. Why would he say that, Alice? He hates sleeping there. He hasn't slept there in weeks!"

I could feel Alice shaking her head ever so slightly as if she too were trying to decipher the exact meaning of Edward's note. Was there a hidden meaning in his words? What exactly was he trying to tell me?

"Bella," she began slowly, "I think you need to take a moment to try to collect yourself. You're very emotional right now…."

"Of course I'm emotional," I lashed out at Alice, snapping my head up from her chest. "I'm falling for this guy, Alice. No, wait - I've fallen for this guy! And I'm terrified, I'm terrified of what this means for me!" And I couldn't help it, the floodgates opened and I bawled like a baby there on the couch, sitting in front of Alice, my best friend, because there was nobody else who would understand.

Alice sat silently across from me for a long while, just watching me and letting me cry. She knew me well enough to know I needed the release. And when the time was just right she reached out for my hand again, taking it gently in hers and holding my gaze with her own.

"Bella," she called to me softly. "This isn't about the fact that Edward left without saying goodbye to you this morning, or the fact that he left a note saying he'd be working late and you know that. You're freaking out over the fact that you've taken that next step. You're panicking because for the first time in a long time you've exposed your soul to someone other than me or your father. And I know that terrifies you, Bella, that you're handing your heart over to someone without any guarantee that it won't get hurt, but what other choice do you have?" Alice looked at me with empathy. She knew me so well. I didn't say anything to her. I was just thinking through what she had said, knowing that it was all so very true.

"Bella," Alice said my name again. I looked up at her and she was staring at me very seriously. "Does Edward know anything about your past?" She asked quietly. I immediately shook my head vigorously back and forth. "Don't you think it's time to share that with him?" She spoke hesitantly, knowing full well what she was asking.

"What part?" I asked, looking down at my lap.

"I think you should tell him everything, Bella," Alice said honestly. "I don't see how he could fault you for anything that's happened. And maybe it would help him to understand you a little bit better, to be a little more patient with you if that's what you need." I nodded my head in understanding. She was right, of course, but I wasn't sure I was ready to share that part of me with Edward.

"You know what really scares me, Alice?" I asked quietly while looking away from Alice.

"What's that?' She encouraged softly.

"I'm afraid of what might happen if things don't work out between us," I said, my voice wavering ever so slightly. "I'm afraid of slipping into that place again Alice, of slipping deep into despair," I all but whispered.

I felt Alice holding my hand firmly in hers. She said nothing, but her physical presence in the room at that moment commanded I look at her, and I did. "That won't happen, Bella," she said firmly. "I won't let that happen. Do you understand me? We won't let that happen," she said, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. I swallowed hard. I wanted to believe her, I really did, but I'd visited that place before and knew all too well that it was possible for it to swallow me whole again.

Alice and I sat on the couch for awhile, neither one of us saying anything, each of us just sitting and staring at one another. We did that a lot. We had perfected the art of silent communication, of expressing things to one another without ever having to utter a single word. A little while later, exactly how much later I couldn't tell you, but a little while later Alice spoke again, and the truth of her words chilled me to the bone.

"You know you could lose him, Bella. By working so desperately hard to protect yourself you could lose what's possibly the best thing that's ever happened to you."

"Why do you say that about him, Alice?" I asked. I was curious. She was so convinced that Edward was it for me, that he was the one. How could she be so sure? I didn't understand.

"Because I see you with him, Bella!" she shouted, as if I weren't sitting directly across from her. "You're alive in a way you've never been alive before," she said more gently. "Your eyes," she said, and I could see the tears glistening in her own eyes as she spoke her words to me. "Your eyes shine again, Bella. It's been so long….too long." It was all she could say before she too was crying. I reached out to Alice, embracing her fiercely. She had suffered through so much with me. I forgot that sometimes, forgot how intricately wound up in my past she actually was.

"What would I ever do without you, Alice?" I asked, hugging her to me tighter. Alice laughed and the vibrations against my chest felt good.

"You'll never have to know, Bella," she sighed, gently easing us apart and looking me right in the eye. "Now, what I do want to know is when you're going to call Edward and where we're going to go out to dinner. If Edward's working late tonight, you belong to me!" She all but squealed in delight, and I had to laugh. I wiped away the few stray tears that still clung to my cheeks. Alice could always make me laugh, even when it was the furthest thing from my mind. I sighed heavily. I felt better - a lot better.

Alice and I chatted on the couch for awhile before I decided to listen to Alice and just call Edward. I had calmed down enough to have become more rational in my thoughts and realized that I had really taken things to the extreme this morning. I had let myself lose control, and that really bothered me. I hated when that happened, hated feeling like I was being sucked up in some centrifugal force that pulled me away from myself. It didn't happen often. I'd worked very hard to create a very structured, safe and predictable life. There weren't many things that were able to disrupt my sense of being, that could knock me off of my axis, but I realized now that Edward could do just that. And it was quite clear to me that I was in one of those damned if you do and damned if you don't situations. For I was certain that by allowing myself to be with Edward I was damned, because I would lose what precious little control I'd managed to establish in my life. But by being without Edward, well, I was most certainly damned too, because I'd already passed the point of no return where he was concerned. I had already given my heart over to him and if I had to walk away from him now it could very well kill me.

I tried not to think about all of these things as I picked up my phone and punched in Edward's number. Try as I might though, I could not seem to regulate my breathing. I was breathing too fast. I was nervous to talk to Edward. The phone rang six times before his generic voicemail answered. I left a message asking him to call me when he had a chance and then hung up the phone. I was disappointed he hadn't answered, but I didn't let it drag me anywhere near the pit of despair I was hovering so closely over only a few hours before. Instead, I suggested to Alice that she call Jasper and that we head out to a matinee movie. Alice was thrilled with the idea and immediately called Jasper. Jasper, however, had other plans. He and Jake were together on campus practicing some pieces for their ensemble class and they wanted me to join them. I sighed, not really feeling like practicing my cello at that moment but knowing that I probably should. Ever since Edward had come into my life I'd not spent as much time practicing as I had before. Not that it mattered much. Very few people would notice the difference in my performance if I didn't practice seven days a week. But I would notice, and that mattered to me. I aspired to be the best musician possible and I knew that daily practice was part of remaining true to that objective.

I made the decision to join Jasper and Jake for a few hours to run through some pieces then all four of us had decided to meet at our favorite Lebanese restaurant, Ilili, for some hommus, baba ghannouj, lebne and lamb kabobs.On the way over to campus, I tried Edward on his cell phone again but there was still no answer. I shut my phone, willing myself not to panic. Yes, this was the first time that Edward had not returned my call within a matter of minutes, but I told myself it didn't mean anything. Nor did it mean anything that he'd left this morning without saying goodbye. Nor did it mean anything that he'd left a note saying he might not come over tonight. Right. None of that meant anything at all.

Jake, Jasper and I practiced together until the early evening when Alice called to inform us she was already at the restaurant waiting for us, famished. She ordered us to stop practicing immediately and to meet her at the restaurant as soon as possible lest she order our meals for us. Jake and Jasper rode with me in my Aztec and I motioned for them to go into the restaurant without me while I grabbed my phone to call Edward again. It was nearly six in the evening and Edward had yet to return any of my calls. I had to admit, doubt was slowly creeping back into my thoughts methodically attacking any and all reason and I'd be damned if I was able to do anything to stop it. When Edward's phone clicked into his voicemail once again, I shut the phone and heaved a deep, resigned sigh. Either Edward couldn't talk to me or didn't want to talk to me. Whichever was the case, I couldn't do anything about it right now. My friends were waiting inside for me to have dinner. I would have to hold it together for the next hour and then I could go home and give myself over to the despair, or whatever other emotion it was that found me.

I walked into the restaurant and I could tell that Alice immediately knew that something was wrong, but we couldn't talk. Jake still didn't know about Edward and I wanted to keep things that way. It seemed my method of "extinction" was working. I'd tried to be subtle about it, gradually decreasing the amount of physical contact I had with Jacob over the course of the last few weeks. He'd responded in kind, hugging me less, touching me less and calling me less. Things weren't uncomfortable between the two of us. We still laughed together and talked to each other and of course we played our music together, but slowly that close bond we'd forged over the years was fading. We were friends - we always would be, but nothing more, absolutely nothing more. It did make me the tiniest bit sad that things had to be this way between me and Jake. I realized I had come to enjoy the comfort of having a "boy" friend to lean on that wasn't really my "boyfriend" at all. I'd enjoyed the comfort of his touch, enjoyed the feeling of being protected and looked after and enjoyed the pleasure of his company even if I didn't share the same passion for him as he did for me. But it was because I cared for Jake so much that I knew that it was necessary that we redefine our relationship. And I was just relieved it had been so easy, much easier than I had anticipated at least.

Part way through dinner Alice caught my attention while Jake and Jasper were deep in discussion about the correct way to play vibrato.

"Have you talked with him?" She whispered across the table.

"No," I whispered back, hanging my head. I was beginning to feel sad. Alice looked sympathetic.

"How many times have you called?" She asked.

I told her three and the expression on her face was unmistakable. She tried to hide it, but her face betrayed her. It was doubt. She was beginning to doubt my situation too. This only served to depress me more and Alice was immediately in tune with this.

"Don't you give up," she said sternly, holding her finger up at me. Jasper looked over at Alice curiously then and asked her what on earth she was doing. The waiter had appeared with our bill and Jasper was taking out his credit card to give to the waiter. Alice never took her eyes off of mine.

"I was just telling Bella here that I was not going to take no for an answer," she said to Jasper.

"Mind clarifying what exactly you're talking about?" he drawled in his polished Southern accent.

"Of course," Alice smiled. "We're all going back to Bella's apartment to watch a movie together and I'm not taking no for an answer…from any of you," she said, her eyes roaming from mine, to Jasper's and finally to Jake's.

Alice knew I shouldn't be left alone right now. Part of me was angry with her. I just wanted to wallow in my misery - alone. Another part of me knew she was right. I needed someone with me to help me hold my head above water. Once again, she was there to save me. Jasper and Jake just shrugged, easily agreeing to Alice's demands. I checked my phone one more time before exiting the restaurant with my friends. There were no voicemail messages neither were there any missed calls.

The ride to my apartment was strangely quiet, possibly due to the fact that we were all extremely full or because it was the end of the weekend and we were all lost in thought about the upcoming week. It could also have simply been because none of us had anything to say. Whatever the reason, I was grateful for the silence. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. I wanted to try and figure out exactly how to proceed with Edward. I had decided I was not going to call him again. I'd called three times and he hadn't bothered to return any of the calls. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Edward should have known better than to leave without saying goodbye this morning. He should also have known better than to leave a note devoid of any emotion and he definitely should have known better than to have not returned three of my calls today. He should have known better because of what we shared the night before. But he didn't. Or the more frightening of the possibilities - he didn't want to.

As I pulled into my parking garage I felt the anger boiling up inside of me. My jaws were clenched tight and my breathing was short, shallow and forced. Jasper and Jake were both eyeing me warily while Alice eyed me sympathetically, but none of them dared to ask me anything. I knew I needed to just relax. There was no use in getting myself so worked up about this right now. I had to hold it together until everyone had left. But I was terrified of letting the anger go. I knew that if I did that, that despair would be lurking in its shadow waiting to cover me like a dark cloud. Anger was an easy emotion for me to process. Despair simply dragged me under.

We all elected to climb the stairs to my apartment. Yes, we chose to climb to the 10th floor of my building. It was Alice's idea and I'm certain her motivations were not based purely on the necessity of physical exercise after gorging ourselves at dinner. I knew that Alice was trying to help me relieve some of the tension I was feeling through exercise, and it worked - partly. By the time we reached the 10th floor, I was spent. I looked over at Alice and couldn't help but laugh. She was leaning back against the brick wall, panting shallowly and trying to catch her breath. Her face was flush. She had obviously struggled with climbing ten flights of stairs.

"You're supposed to be the athlete, Alice," I teased. "What gives?"

Alice shot me an evil glare and I just laughed at her. It felt really good to laugh, too. We all took a moment to catch our breaths before heading down the hallway towards my apartment. When we reached my door I noticed the faint glow of a light streaming underneath the tiny space between the bottom of my door and the floor. I was immediately suspicious. I was very conscious of turning my lights off before I left my apartment and was almost certain I'd done so before Alice and I had left for campus earlier in the afternoon. But then again, I had been in a heightened emotional state this morning, so it was possible I'd forgotten to turn off my living room light. Possible, I thought, but not probable. I reached out very carefully and tested the door knob. It was locked, as it should be. I took my keys from my purse, unlocked my front door and very cautiously pushed the door open.

I wasn't prepared to see Edward sitting lazily in the center of my couch, his eyes trained on my television. I froze in spot, reeling from the onslaught of emotions that ravaged my body. I was relieved, intensely so, to see Edward sitting there. I didn't know why he was there. He wasn't supposed to be there. But he was, and I had never been more relieved to see someone than I was to see Edward sitting there that evening. But while I was relieved, I was also confused. Why was Edward sitting on my couch? He was supposed to work late. He had said so himself in the note that he'd left this morning. I was also ashamed. When Edward looked up and saw me standing there in the doorway, the wide grin on his face and the sparkle in his eyes left little room for doubt - he was thrilled to see me. Yet I'd doubted him, doubted what he felt for me. Finally, I was angry. I was angry as hell at Edward for what he'd put me through that day, wondering why he'd left so abruptly in the morning, why he'd left that cryptic note and why he hadn't called me back the entire day.

"Bella!" Edward greeted me enthusiastically, standing up and moving to make his way toward me. But I stopped him with my hand.

"What's going on here? Who the hell is sitting on Bella's couch?"

I heard Jacob speaking behind me, but nothing mattered to me in that moment, nothing else but the fact that Edward was standing there before me. And suddenly it was all too much for me to process. Each and every emotion that was fighting for dominance inside of me was simultaneously tearing me apart and breaking me down. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and I brushed passed Edward and into my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. I left Edward, Alice, Jasper and Jake standing together in the middle of my living room.

It was only a matter of moments before I heard a soft knock and my bedroom door open and click shut. Edward didn't ask if he could come in, he just did. My back was turned away from the door but I knew it was Edward. I could sense his presence in any room.

"Bella?" He called my name anxiously. "Bella, what's happened?" He asked. I could feel him stepping closer to me because the closer he got, the stronger the pull between the two of us was. It was comforting at times, maddening at others. I couldn't stay away from him, even if I wanted to.

"You left without saying goodbye," I whispered, my eyes shut and my head hung low.

"What?" He asked slowly, clearly not understanding what I was talking about.

"This morning, Edward," I clarified, a bit forcefully. "You left without saying goodbye." Edward didn't speak right away, though I could still feel him behind me, could hear him breathing.

"Is that what this is about?" He finally asked. I couldn't see his face, but I could hear it in his voice. He didn't understand why I was so upset. I whirled around to face him only to find he was right there. We were standing inches apart. I looked up and stared him square in the eye.

"You never leave without saying goodbye," I accused, my voice cracking as I spoke. I was angry at myself for crying but there was no point in trying to stop it. The tears were going to fall.

"You were sound asleep, Bella!" He said frantically, obviously desperate to make things right. "I thought I'd let you sleep! You've been running yourself ragged lately," he said. I looked into Edward's eyes and saw the same thing I had felt this morning - panic.

"And what about the note, Edward," I challenged him again. "Why on earth would you leave me a note telling me it would be better for you to sleep at your hotel tonight? Do you have any idea what that did to me?" I cried out. I wiped furiously at the tears that were spilling freely from my eyes. Edward just stood there, looking completely bewildered by my behavior and growing more and more anxious by the moment.

"I didn't mean anything by it, Bella! For Christ's sake, I thought I would be doing you a favor! You haven't been getting very much sleep with me coming to your apartment at all hours of the night! You were so tired last night, I just thought…" Edward stopped mid-sentence, pausing for a moment before continuing. "Damn it, Bella, I just thought you might want to get a solid night's rest. What are you thinking here? Can you please just tell me what the hell is going on?"

"What's going on?" I cried out, not believing that Edward could really be so daft. Could he really not see why it was I was so upset? "You kissed me last night, Edward," I yelled. "You kissed me, fell asleep with me in your arms then woke up and left me without so much as a whisper goodbye. Then you left me a note telling me it would be better if you didn't come by tonight and you didn't return any of my calls all day long!"

Edward exhaled sharply, smacking the palms of his hands against his face in frustration before running his hands up through his hair. "I couldn't answer my phone on set today, Bella!" He yelled back, before taking a step back. And then Edward froze, uttering nary a word, staring straight forward at the wall with a blank expression on his face. And I could see it as it crept its way slowly across his face - realization.

Edward looked down at me, holding my gaze with his own. "You thought I was having second thoughts, didn't you?" He asked quietly, and I closed my eyes, nodding my head slowly.

I felt him as he closed the space between us.

"How could you think I could have any regrets over what happened between the two of us last night?" He searched my eyes, imploring me to understand that he had no regrets, no regrets whatsoever.

"I'm…I'm sorry Edward," I whispered, forcing myself to meet his gaze. "I just…I wasn't exactly sure how you felt and I panicked. This is all so new to me, I don't know what to do, how to act, how to feel…." I trailed off, feeling totally ridiculous now for ever having doubted Edward. I hated feeling so insecure.

"You want to know how I feel?" Edward all but whispered as he stepped towards me. I looked up at him and his eyes were burning with an intensity I'd never seen before. I felt myself shiver. His stare penetrated me, seeing right through to the deepest part of who I was, and I immediately felt vulnerable and exposed. It was physically difficult not to look away. But I couldn't. I was captivated by Edward, drunk off of his presence, completely wound up in him. I shuddered before the back of his hand even brushed against my cheek. And when it did, it was the most beautiful sensation of electricity and whisper soft skin floating against mine that I whimpered. He drew near, bringing his lips towards mine, bending down to gently suck on my upper lip, pulling it into his mouth and then releasing it before sighing heavily and bringing his forehead to meet mine. I felt weak at the knees and reached out to Edward, grabbing onto his arms to steady me.

"This is how I feel," he whispered softly against my lips before gently parting my lips with his tongue. I could feel his tongue pushing into my mouth, searching for and tangling with mine. He deepened the kiss, all the while walking me backwards until my back was flush against the wall. His hands moved to either side of my head, his fingers splayed out flat against the wall leaving me nowhere to go. He surrounded me, and in that moment, I felt my sanity slipping away. I slid my hands up Edward's arms, moving them to his face, anchoring him firmly to my mouth. I kissed Edward back, hard, my tongue frantically pushing against his, our lips moving together sloppily. We kissed for what could have been hours before Edward finally broke away, panting into my mouth. Edward pulled back from me ever so slightly, looking deep into my eyes. And the emotion spilling forth from him in that moment was simply too much for me to bear. I had to shut my eyes.

"Don't do that," he whispered in a hush. "Don't shut me out." And he kissed each of my eyelids so softly it felt like the wings of a butterfly brushing against my skin. I swallowed hard and opened my eyes only to find myself on the verge of tears. Edward brought his hands forward from beside my head, cupping either side of my face in the palms of his hands. I felt his fingers traveling up my face and gently sweeping my tears away. And then he smiled at me, the tenderest of smiles, and I bit my lower lip, smiling back at him.

"I wanted to kiss you like that last night," he said, his thumbs drawing circles against my cheeks. I leaned towards his touch, a rush of emotions consuming me. My heart was thumping wildly in my chest and all I could think about was kissing Edward again.

"Why didn't you?" I managed to ask, fighting hard to keep some control.

Edward's fingers stilled, and he gripped my face firmly, but gently.

"You're very difficult to read, Bella," he said. "You hold a lot back from me, I know. I don't always know what it is you want and I don't want to rush you. I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything you don't want to do."

"I want this," I whispered, reaching up to draw the palm of my hand down his cheek. "I want you."

Before the words had even fully left my mouth, Edward's lips were upon mine again, moving forcefully, his tongue pushing forward, tasting me, caressing the inside of my mouth. I sighed, letting my hands travel up his body and wind themselves into his tousled bronze locks. Edward moaned when I did this, pulling me closer. He kissed me feverishly, all the while holding tight to the side of my face. When he finally pulled away, both of us were breathing raggedly.

"Never doubt, Bella," he said while running his index finger along my bottom lip, slightly swollen from the force of his kisses. "Never doubt." And he brought his forehead against mine again before drawing me to his chest. I wrapped my arms around him, holding fast to him. Whereas I felt as if I were drowning this morning, I now felt anchored, anchored to Edward in a way that felt certain - felt permanent.

Presently there was a knock at the door.

"Bella?" Alice whispered tentatively.

I immediately tensed up. Alice was still here. I'd all but forgotten about her. Were the others still here? If so, Jake must now know about me and Edward. I felt Edward's arms rubbing up and down my back, soothing me.

"Why are you so tense?" He asked, leaning down to kiss the top of my head.

"Alice is still here. We should probably go back out there," I mumbled into his chest, squeezing him tighter to me. I didn't want to let go. I just wanted to stand there, holding Edward, memorizing how it felt so as never to forget. But I had to let go. I had no choice.

"I agree," Edward said, gently pulling away from me. He took my hand and squeezed it as we walked to the door, pulled it open and headed back out into the living room.

The atmosphere in the living room was incredibly tense. Jake was leaning up against the wall by the front door, his left foot propped up against the wall. His eyes followed my every movement as Edward and I walked toward him together. I realized that Edward had no idea who Jake was other than the fact that he was the third member of my string trio. Edward had already met Jasper on several occasions. He and Alice had joined Edward and me for dinner at my apartment twice now. Edward and Jasper got along famously. Edward told me that he felt an incredible sense of serenity in Jasper's presence and Jasper loved to hear Edward's often hilarious tales of fangirls declaring their love for him during public appearances. But Jake had never come to dinner. In fact, he'd never even entered into any of our conversations. He was very simply the third member of Heaven's Gate String Trio.

I swallowed hard as I approached Jake, desperately trying to shake the overwhelming guilt I felt at standing there holding Edward's hand. I had no reason to feel guilty, no reason whatsoever. Logically I knew that, but my heart felt differently. Standing there, staring into Jake's eyes - a look of complete and utter devastation reflected back at me, I just wanted to run as far away as possible from the here and now.

"Jake," I said, trying my best to remain calm. I smiled lightly at him but he didn't smile back. "Jake I'd like you meet a…" I hesitated, struggling with what to refer to Edward as. A few weeks ago he would have simply been my friend. But today he stood beside me as something much more than that. But what? Edward looked down at me, seeming to understand my dilemma. Thankfully, he took command of the situation, offering his right hand to Jake in greeting.

"I'm Edward," he said simply. Jake averted his gaze from me long enough to look Edward up and down, sizing him up. His eyes narrowed when they fell on my hand interlocked with Edward's. Edward continued to hold his hand out, but Jake just stood there, refusing to offer his own in return.

Edward cleared his throat, withdrawing his hand after a moment. He looked down at me, then over to Jake, clearly confused by the exchange.

"What is this, Bella," Jake spat, standing straight up. Jake was a big man, towering over Edward's tall, lean frame. He was perfectly proportioned and muscular. People often laughed when they learned he was a professional violist as he looked more like a professional athlete. Jacob's dark, copper skin contrasted sharply with the creamy pallor of Edward's skin. He'd also recently cut his long and beautiful raven colored hair, electing to wear it cropped short instead. I'd cried when he'd cut his hair.

"Jake, please," I said, dropping Edward's hand and taking a step in Jake's direction.

"So this is why you've been so distant these past few weeks. I thought maybe it was something I'd done. I should have known there was someone keeping you company," he said bitterly. Edward looked slowly from me to Jake before taking a step back, giving us some space. "But really, Bella, Edward Cullen? This is almost unbelievable. If I hadn't have stood here and seen you holding hands with him with my own two eyes I would never have believed it."

I swallowed hard, not really knowing what to say. The entire room was silent, no one daring to say a word. Jake was angry - much angrier than I'd anticipated.

"What? Don't you have anything to say for yourself, Bella?" Jake taunted me.

"I don't owe you any explanations, Jake," I said, suddenly feeling as if I needed to defend myself. Jake was out of line here.

"Don't you, Bella?" he retorted. "Or have I really just imagined what it is we have together? Have I imagined your touches in passing? Have I imagined the countless nights we've stayed up all night talking? Have I really just imagined the way you look at me when you think I'm not looking," he challenged. My eyes opened wide in disbelief.

"Jake, you're one of my closest friends," I cried out. "I adore you. You know that. Why are you twisting things around to make it seem like there is something more between us?"

"Because there is, Bella!" Jake yelled, his face contorted in angry frustration. "There always has been! At least for me, and I was damned certain for you too, until I walked into your living room this evening and saw you with him," Jake sneered while glaring at Edward. Edward was standing very still, staring forward at Jacob, occasionally glancing over at me. His face was blank. I couldn't get a read on what it was he was thinking, but I knew whatever it was it couldn't be good.

"Jake, I think you'd better leave now," I said quietly, but pointedly, trying my damnedest to control the anger that was threatening to take control. The longer I stood there and thought about things, the angrier I got. And I didn't want to say or do anything I would regret. It was beyond me how we'd even gotten to this point. Jasper had obviously been right all along. Jake's feelings for me were much stronger than I had thought. And it didn't appear as if my attempt at extinction had worked, either. I'd never seen Jake this agitated and regretted not having spoken to him about Edward earlier.

"Fine, Bella. If that's what you want, I'll leave," Jake said, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Then Jake turned to Edward. "But I'll have you know one thing," he seethed, pointing his finger at Edward, "I know the games people like you play, Cullen. Somehow, someway you've managed to manipulate Bella into believing that she actually has a chance for a normal, healthy relationship with you when both you and I know that's impossible. You can't give that to her. You're a drifter, Cullen, moving from one movie set to another. You can never give Bella what I can give her. Bella doesn't need somebody to come in and sweep her off of her feet then leave her sobbing on the tarmac when you leave. She needs someone who can remain by her side and care for her permanently. I'm that person, Cullen, not you. And make no mistake. I will fight for her with everything that I've got. And when you leave her, because you will, I will be the one to pick of the pieces," Jacob spat at Edward.

The room was silent. Nobody said a word. Everybody just stood in place, staring at Jacob in disbelief. I was shocked at the vitriol that spewed from Jake's mouth. I had never imagined the depth of his feelings for me. I didn't know what to say. I knew I should say something to defend my relationship with Edward but I was too stunned by what Jake had said to say anything at all. I turned to look at Edward. He was tense. His jaws were locked tight and I could hear the sound of his teeth grinding back and forth. Edward's hands were balled into tight fists, hanging by his side.

"It's interesting how close you seem to believe you are to Bella, Jacob," Edward started. His voice was cool, calm and eerily calculated. I noticed a silent exchange between Jasper and Alice. They were starting to get worried. "You seem to think that you know what's best for her, seem to think that what is best for her is you. But what I'm having trouble understanding here is if that's the case, why am I the one spending all my nights here in Bella's apartment? Why am I the one standing here now, holding Bella's hand in my own?" And with that Edward reached out and took my hand firmly in his, all the while never taking his eyes off of Jacob. "I venture to say that Bella," and he took care to articulate my name, "knows what's best for Bella. Who Bella chooses to be with is her decision, not mine, not yours." Edward looked down at me then, a curious look on his face.

"Tell me Bella, who is it you prefer to be with? If your relationship with Jake is as he implies, then by all means, go and be with him. It was never my intention to steal you away from anybody," Edward said, and I completely panicked. Why was he doing this to me? Why was he putting me in this position? Did he really believe there was any iota of truth to what Jacob had said? And then it hit me. Edward was forcing my hand. He was forcing me to take a stand for our relationship, forcing me to stand up and fight for us. This was it. I had no doubt whatsoever that if I faltered even the slightest bit in my decision that Edward would leave, because at his base, Edward was honorable. Edward was a gentleman. He would not be with a woman who was already involved with another man.

"I'm with Edward, Jake. Now please leave," I said firmly, leaving no room for doubt as to whom my affections lay with. Edward held tight to my hand, though I could feel him relax ever so slightly with my words. Jake looked from Edward to me and I winced when I saw the pain and devastation in his eyes. Jake stared at me for a very long and uncomfortable moment before turning on his heels, swinging open the front door, and abruptly leaving.

None of us said anything for a few minutes after Jake left. All of us just stood together in the middle of my apartment in reflective silence, each of us trying desperately to figure out what this turn of events meant. For Edward, who up until this evening had never even met Jake, I was certain he was working through what Jake's revelations would mean for us as a couple. For Jasper, I knew his mind was reeling with the ramifications of this falling out for our string trio. Were we even still a trio, now? Would Jake still be willing to play in our group given what had just happened? For Alice, I knew she was standing in place, worrying profusely about my mental state of mind. Alice knew how important Jake's friendship was to me. She knew how I'd come to depend on him emotionally over the years and knew what it would mean for me to have that be no more.

As for me, I was devastated. I was overcome with guilt. I should have seen this coming. I should have told Jake about Edward earlier. Maybe then things would have turned out differently, but then again, maybe not. All I knew was the physical pain it caused me to watch Jake leave. Despite what had happened in my apartment that evening, Jake was still my friend. I cared about him deeply and didn't like to see him hurt. But he'd given me no other choice. When faced with having to choose between Jake's friendship and a relationship with Edward, well, there really wasn't a choice to be made. There was simply no way I could not be with Edward. No matter what it meant for me, I had to be with Edward. I didn't pretend to understand the intensity of my certainty that Edward and I had to be. I just knew it was.

Jasper broke the collective silence first, clearing his throat and suggesting to Alice that perhaps it would be better if they left. Alice looked to me to make certain that was what I wanted. I nodded my head slowly. I didn't want to talk about this with Jasper and Alice. I didn't really want to talk about it with Edward, either, but knew that was inevitable. When Alice saw that I was okay with her leaving, she reached out for Jasper's hand and together they made their way toward me. Jasper dropped Alice's hand and pulled me firmly to his chest, whispering assurances in my ear. I squeezed Jasper back and he released me, reaching out his hand towards Edward.

"Sorry about all this, man," Jasper said. "Jake can be a little hot headed sometimes. This too will pass," he said, smiling lightly at Edward.

"Thanks," Edward whispered. He looked slightly dazed, as if he he'd just been blindsided and was still attempting to recover.

I felt a little tug on my arm and Alice pulled me off to the side.

"You did the right thing, Bella," Alice said, turning to look me in the eye. "Jake was out of line. He'll come around though and this whole matter will diffuse itself in short order. I promise you," she said. I nodded my head. I knew what Alice was doing. She didn't want me to worry about Jake. She wanted me to focus on my relationship with Edward now. I hoped she was right about Jake. I wanted nothing more than to smooth things over with Jake and for things to go back to the way they were before, though I doubted that was possible now. But I knew Alice was right about Edward. I needed to focus on my relationship with Edward, because Jake had been right about one thing this evening. Edward would be leaving, and he would be leaving sooner than either one of us wanted. If Edward and I had any hope of making things work once he went away we had to give everything we had to this relationship now.

I hugged Alice goodbye then walked back over to Edward, taking his hand in mine and giving it a light squeeze. He smiled down at me, though it wasn't one of those beautiful smiles that lit up his entire face. No. It was a sad, wistful smile that caused my breath to hitch in my throat and my heart to ache. We said goodbye to Alice and Jasper, and when I shut the door after them and turned around, Edward was standing there staring intently at me.

"What was that all about?" He asked, getting right to the point. I took a deep breath and sighed.

"You're upset," I noted.

"Of course I'm upset, Bella!" He spat, walking away from me, running both his hands frantically through his hair.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I whispered, hanging my head low. I was so tired. All I honestly wanted to do was lay down and here I was fighting with Edward now.

"I don't want you to be sorry, Bella," Edward sighed frustrated. "I just want to know what the hell is going on. How come you never told me about Jacob?" He asked, in a somewhat accusatory manner. My first instinct was to be angry with him, offended that he would even think I would lie to him. But I realized he had every right to be angry right now.

"I didn't realize he felt as strongly as he did, Edward," I said honestly. I walked over to the couch and sat down, pulling my knees up to my chest. "I wasn't trying to keep anything from you. I just didn't really think there was anything to talk about." Edward sighed heavily, walking over to the couch and sitting down beside me, Indian style, on the couch.

"Did you realize he had feelings for you?" He asked, this time more gently. The accusatory tone had disappeared.

"I did," I said, looking over and making eye contact with Edward.

"And you didn't think that maybe you should talk about this with me?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"Damn it, Bella," Edward huffed, getting back up from the couch again. "Does it escape your notice that you tend to keep things from me? Because it hasn't escaped mine."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, lifting my head from my knees and looking out towards where Edward stood in the living room. He was starting to pace.

"I'm talking about the fact that we've spent the last month talking mostly about myself! I've shared so much of who I am with you but you've shared very little with me in return! Every so often you'll share a thought or a memory and I've taken those moments greedily, memorizing every small piece of information you've shared with me. But I want more, Bella. I need you to be honest with me. If this relationship is ever going to work, you can't shut me out. You have to trust me, Bella." Edward stopped pacing and turned to look at me. "Can you do that?"

I sat on the couch and stared at Edward. He was right. I had been horribly unfair to him over the past month, encouraging him to open himself up to me, to share who he was with me while I wasn't willing to reciprocate. And now he was calling me out. He wanted more than I was giving. He wanted me to make myself vulnerable before him. He wanted me to trust him. But could I do that? Could I trust Edward? I felt I owed it to him to at least try. And I wasn't stupid. I knew that ultimately our relationship depended almost wholly on us being able to trust one another, especially if Edward and I were going to be spending large amounts of time apart from one another. But I was getting ahead of myself. Right here, in the present, Edward was standing before me, asking me if I could trust him. And I needed to give him an answer. I stood up from the couch and walked over to him slowly. When I was standing right in front of him, I reached out, taking both his hands in mine.

"I can try," I said quietly, earnestly. I stood up on the tips of my toes and gently kissed Edward's lips. His eyelids fell, and I felt him sigh. I clutched his hands tighter in mine, moving to deepen the kiss, but Edward pulled back. I looked up at him, hurt and slightly confused by his rejection.

"I can't do that, Bella. I can't turn myself on and off like that," he said, leaning forward to kiss my forehead. His warm breath washed across my forehead and down my face. Normally my stomach would have been doing flips, my heart racing erratically at the magnificent sensation, but not tonight. Tonight it just made me feel sad.

"Come on. It's getting late and we're both tired. Let's just go to bed." Edward let go of my left hand, keeping my right hand firmly locked together with his, and led us through the living room and into the bedroom. I was frustrated and annoyed with everything that had happened this evening. And yes, I was a little bit scared, for I knew that eventually I was going to have to open myself up entirely to Edward. I was going to have to come clean with him and the thought of that petrified me. But for tonight I relished the fact that Edward was leading me by my hand towards the bed, towards our bed, where we would fall asleep together, wrapped securely in each other's arms. And at least for tonight there would be nothing for us to be confused about, nothing for us to fret over. Lying together in each other's arms, all we would know would be each other and what it was each of us felt for the other.