Getting slow at this. It's because I spend most of my time that I could be writing watching Spooks. Damn this vicious obsession. Must get a life at some stage.

Here's another chapter for you wonderful people.

Chapter 6. In which Gaius finds himself being deposed and Morgana takes on the role of Sleeping Beauty.

"You'll never guess what's just fecking arrived for you!" Gwen says, jumping up into Morgana's room. "Ta dah!" She waves bunch of lilies at the princess.

"Who are they from?"

"Don't know. Arthur?"

"Oh, piss off," Morgana laughs. "He fancies me as much as he fancies-" Gwen gives her a look. "As much as he fancies Gregs. Put them in a vase though," she says. "They're lovely."

However, unbeknownst to anyone in the court of Camelot, in those lilies, an evil bug has been placed by some deformed, probably rather evil wizard. Shame really; he used to play Mac in Green Wing, and I rather fancied him then.

Neither Gwen or Morgana notice the bloody massive creepy-crawlie that has been living in the flowers. It waits until nightfall, and crawls into Morgana's head.

Nice.

*****

Morgana's sudden unconscious disposition causes a major incident at Camelot, and Gaius, as the court physician, is called to try and cure her.

"What's your diagnosis?" Uther asks.

"I'd say she was in a coma."

"She's been like this for two days!"

"I do know," Gaius tells him patiently. "I have been here. I think she has an inflammation of the brain. I'm treating her everyway I can."

He exits, and meets an expectant and worried Gwen on the stairs with Merlin.

"Is she any better?" she asks. Gaius pulls a face.

"No."

"Is it food poisoning? I could never forgive myself if it was." She bumbles away, murmuring softly about the terrible things clotted milk could do to a man.

"She's all but dead," Gaius tells Merlin in a whisper. The warlock looks quite sad. After all, Morgs is a lovely girl.

"You have to cure her," he says.

"Don't you start."

"Maybe I can…" he gesticulates. "Help."

"Do you remember what happened the last time you had that idea?" Gaius says. "Gwen's father? Remember? The time Gwen nearly got burnt as a witch?"

"But-"

"No," the physician tells him, striding off. "Just no."

Meanwhile, creepy-possibly-evil-man-with-scars has appeared in daylight, to offer his services to Arthur, as to the curing of the lovely Lady Morgana. The prince stubs him, but Edwin, as we discover his name is, is not phased by this. It's only a matter of time, after all.

Merlin tries to cheer Arthur up. It does hurt him to see him down. Part of him can't help but be amiable that Arthur hasn't yet started on a quest for Morgana. Surely, if he loved her, he'd be on a horse, looking for a cure.

As it happens, he's sitting on a chair in Camelot, looking anxious, and in a strange way, this makes Merlin quite happy.

*****

Gaius has to break the news that he can't preserve Morgana's life for much longer to Uther and Arthur, who don't like it.

This is nothing to what Gwen will say, he thinks.

"There's this man who says he can cure her," Arthur says, remembering what Edwin told him. Both Gaius and Uther disbelieve him.

"He's probably just some charlatan looking for a quick bob," the physician warns.

"If she's going to die, we should at least give it a go!"

"Send for him," Uther sighs. Gaius waits until they've both gone before gazing down on Morgana and shaking his head.

"I hope you know what you're doing to him," he says crossly. "Especially as neither of you want it."

However, this is not the time for vaguely philosophical musings. Edwin has arrived, and he is presented before the king. Gaius vaguely recognises him.

"Have we met before?" the physician asks.

"I doubt you would forget a face like mine," Edwin says, chuckling darkly. Oh, we like him. He might be evil, but he's got a black sense of humour, something one doesn't see enough of around Camelot.

He explains he has a remedy to cure all ills. Uther wants to know more. He may be a heartless bastard when it comes to plebs and witches, but when it comes to those he loves, he will try anything.

Merlin turns up to check out what's going on in the throne room. Edwin explains that he hasn't handled anything he hasn't been able to cure. He stokes Gaius' ego by calling him a legend, but the physician is still wary. He hasn't kept his position over the years by giving in to all the flattery that has come his way.

"I would like to diagnose the Lady Morgana," Edwin says. Him being a doctor and all, it would probably be an idea.

Uther should have twigged then, that there was something going on. This Edwin fellow, he does too much bowing and he's far too charming. Remember what happened the last time someone charming got into Camelot? Yes, Merlin landed in a coma.

"You can have the services of my manservant," Arthur says, nodding to Merlin. Edwin nods, and with a sweep of his purple cloak, he is away.

To begin with, Edwin and Merlin seem to get along. Edwin says he used to be into Alchemy, and that's where all his equipment came from.

"You are in to science?" he asks.

"Science is knowledge," Merlin tells him brightly.

"Science explains everything."

"Not love though."

"Ah," Edwin says, with his charming voice on. "So you are in love?"

Shit, thinks Merlin. How do I manage this? Why is it that everyone I meet has me figured out in five minutes? Is this all just some massive joke? Has Uther realised that I'm magical, and is only keeping from having me executed because I'm amusing to watch?

"Er, no." Edwin looks unconvinced. "I meant feeling and emotions."

"You seem awfully bright to be just a servant."

"Well, don't be taken in by the cupboard doors. The walls are filthy.[1]" The new physician gives a little chuckle as Merlin continues to root through his things. "What's this?" he asks, holding up a box which appears to be making suspicious beetle noises.

"Hands off that," Edwin warns, suddenly getting quite uptight and snatching the box away.

They arrive at Morgana's chambers, to find Uther and Gaius waiting around the bed and Arthur, for some reason, lurking behind the door. When he asks for everyone to leave the room, Uther must mistake Edwin's vaguely evil, smug smile as a nervous twitch, brought on by the facial disfigurement.

Oh how little the king knows of the ways of men.

What Edwin doesn't count on happening is Gwen entering half way through his little magical moment. Luckily, he manages to hide the tweezers and handkerchief that he appears to be using to effectively lure the bug out of Morgana's head, and distract Gwen with talk of getting him some water.

Gwen isn't fooled. She knows when something afoot.

With a few well chosen words and a flash of blinding light, the creepie-crawlie is removed and Morgana is saved.

Edwin then proceeds to plant doubts as to Gaius' medical skills into Uther's head, while throughrally confusing Arthur. He never was a good one with the sciences.

Morgana lives, however, and for now, all appears to be well in Camelot.

*****

At the insistence of Uther, though, Edwin stays at the palace. It seems, to the well trained observer of Merlin episodes, that he's got a little scheme going on. He's still doing all that daft bowing.

Gaius suspects something is up, but is wise enough not to mention it to anyone. After all, he doesn't want to be seen as this green eyed monster.

He pays a visit to his friend, the court librarian. Gaius wants to look at some records from the time of something called The Great Purge. It sounds oppressive, so it's no wonder Uther's banned the breaking of the seals on the documents.

Gaius wanders away, mumbling darkly about how the world appears to be against him nowadays.

Merlin is visiting Edwin's chambers. Seeing he isn't there, the warlock decides to have a little nosy through this mysterious man's things. He comes across the box of beetles, and with his magic, he makes them come alive.

"Very good," the smug voice of Edwin tells him.

Internally, Merlin wails to himself. Oh, Jesus Christ, not again. With some more well chosen words, Edwin stops he beetles moving.

"You can do magic," he says.

"Er, no," Merlin says, lying feebly. The physician gives him a disbelieving look.

"These little angels saved Morgana's life," he sighs. "They went inside her brain to repair the damage." And Merlin, the gullible fool that he is, believes him. Edwin then proceeds to charm our poor warlock into thinking he's good, and that what Merlin has is a talent that could improve the world.

Which, of course, is true, but not when it is moulded by Evil Edwin.

"Imagine what we could achieve," he says, "if we shared our knowledge."

World domination and the corruption of poor Merlin! We shout at the screen.

Later that night, the librarian Jeffory brings Gaius the records that he wants, and the court physician, with his hobo gloves, scowars through them well into the night.

Edwin, meanwhile, is dining with the king, where he all but convinces Uther that Gaius is plotting against him. This is highly unfair. All Gaius has even done again Uther is mildly defraud his tax collectors and thrown lecherous glances at his serving girls, and there isn't a person in Camelot who hasn't committed at least one of those crimes.

*****

Crime-busting Gaius strikes again.

"You're Gregore and Jane's son," he says smugly.

"They were friends of yours," Edwin says bitterly.

"They were sorcerers."

"They were people too." Edwin pulls his nasty smile and strides towards the door. "Let's tell Uther. Shall we? Let's tell him everything." Gaius isn't a fool. He knows what hysterical outbursts lead to.

"Where are you headed with this?" he asks coldly.

"Why don't we tell him about Merlin too?"

"Merlin?" Internally, Gaius is frothing verbally at the boy. "Stupid pissing fool can't keep his sodding mouth shut," he murmers.

"You didn't know he was a sourcerer?" Edwin smiles. "Oh, I wonder what Uther will do to him. Have him burnt? Beheaded? Smothered in fish paste and mauled to death by cats?"

"You would turn your back on another sourcerer?" Gaius snaps, ignoring the cat threat.

"You did!" Edwin yells. "When you turned a blind eye to my parent's death?"

Now we see! The Great Purge, as so many of us suspected, was that time when Uther went around murdering lots of innocent magicians in an incadent rage (for reasons yet unknown).

"You want revenge," Gaius says calmly. "You seem to presume I would sacrifice Uther for Merlin." This is a blatent bluff. Gaius is not one of these people who doesn't care who employs him, just so long as the money comes in. Then again, he would never let Merlin die. He just has to convince Edwin he's a big player, and that he too is as cold as ice.

He fails.

"If you so much a breathe a word to anyone about this, I will go straight to Uther and tell him about the boy," Edwin says.

Enter Merlin, who seems to have remained totally oblivious to the raised voices in the corridor, the smug Edwin and the pained-looking Gaius.

"We were just reminising about old times, weren't we Gaius?"

"Yes." Gaius shoots Edwin a look he has perfected for use on nosy tax collectors and Uther when he's in a cheerful mood. Merlin, however, is far too obvilious and daft as a brush, so doesn't notice this evil stares.

Edwin then continues to spin evil lies to Uther about Gaius being incompitent and old.

"Have you considered my offer?" Uther asks.

"Oh yes." Again, the king completely misses that evil smirk. Uther could spot a properly evil plot if it danced naked on his lap.

"Then allow me to do the same," he says regally. Edwin does that silly bow again, and sweeps away.

It's time for Morgana, who has rather sadly been neglected for the previous episode and a half, to jump into action in the defense of Gaius.

"You can't just sack him because he's old," she protests, looking mildly upset.

"If your care had been left to him, you would have died, and that would have been more than I could stand."

Only because you wouldn't have anyone to marry off in stratigic alliences! She thinks aggressively.

"Still-"

"I am not prepared to risk it happening again." Morgana pulls a face and sashays off to find Gwen. At least she's got someone to whine at.

*****

Late that night, Gaius watches Merlin sleep. It might count as slightly creepy, he thinks, but it's convinced him that what he can't do is run away with the gold he's been hiding in science books for the last forty odd years. He is not going to leave poor Merlin to be corrupted by Edwin.

So he sets off to visit the dragon.

Again, another point about the security of Camelot's castle.

Seriously, this is getting to the point where it's not a joke anymore. An elderly man, armed only with a knowledge of basic medicine and a kletomanic taste for anything shiny, can get into the dungeon with the dragon. What's stopping some evil maniac with execellant disguise skills or Gwen and her anarchists breaking in and using it to their own ends? Jesus. No wonder Camelot's under threat every week. Have they even considered getting locks installed in the dungeons? Apartently not.

"Er, hello?" the physican calls into the gloom.

"Oh, Gaius, you've gotten old."

"Piss off, you poor excuse for a lizard."

"And you have changed so little," the dragon says, chuckling.

"I come on behalf of someone else. Some in grave peril."

"Ah, the boy."

"You know about Merlin?" Gaius says. Damn, he thinks. My element of surprise is ruined. "So it's true then?"

"Oh yes. One day, he and that Pendragon boy will unite the lands of Albion."

"Something you should probably know about Merlin," Gaius says, pulling a face.

"I know what lies at the heart of the boy."

"So Gwen's told you too?"

"What Merlin feels, I feel too."

"There are several laws and the issue of different species standing between you and Arthur though," Gaius points out. "Merlin is in trouble."

"No," the dragon corrects. "My jailer is."

"Must Uther die?" he asks. Arthur looks young and idalistic, and unlikely to turn a blind eye to things.

"Their time cannot come until his has passed."

"And is that time now?"

"That is of your choosing."

"Now I remember why I don't come down here anymore," Gaius grumbles. "Always Gaius, saving the world. Bloody hate it. Can't someone else do it?" But the dragon just giggles.

"Turn a blind eye then," it says. "You seem to be good at that."

"Shut up," he says darkly. "What do you know? You live in a fucking cave."

*****

Never the less, it looks like Gaius is going to have to decide on some sort of action plan. Uther declares that it is time he retired Gaius from his service. He would be jumping for joy at this point, but he smells something's afoot. The idea of being carted away to the Albion riviera sounds nice, but Gaius suspects he's being pushed.

"You're retiring me because of one mistake?" he says, vaguely outraged. "That's not fair. Why, for all you know I could be unionised." Uther looks like he's about to suffer a minor cardiac arrest at the idea of a trade union. "I'll tell you what the mistake was-"

"Yes, Gaius?" Edwin jumps out from being a pillar in a whirl of purple.

"And who is to be the next court physician?" Gaius asks.

"None of this was Edwin's idea," Uther reasons. "Initally, he turned down the idea."

Oh you silly bastard, the physician says to himself. You really wouldn't recognise a proper magician if one bit you in the arse.

"I'm sure."

"You sound hesitant," Uther says. "Is there something I should know?"

"Well-" he starts. How fast can he get Merlin out the court? With Gwen's help, quite quickly, but there's no garentee of that, once the truth comes out. And there's also no garentee Merlin would go, either. The boy's been spending far too much time around Arthur.

Bah, curse him and his chivilrous notions of honour, Gaius thinks.

"It's been an honour," he says, and leaves. He still has dignity, after all.

*****

"I've lived a life that's full! I've followed each and every highway! And more, much more than this, I did it my way!"

"Gaius, get off the table before you hurt yourself."

"I am old and decrepid, Merlin," Gaius slurs, waving a bottle at the warlock. "I'll do whatever I bloody well want."

"Uther can't do this," Merlin says, wrestling the old man down.

"He can. He's the bloody king."

"I'll talk to Edwin. Maybe you can work together."

"I don't want to come within twenty yards of that gobshite," Gaius says, swaying. "I'll fucking do 'im!"

Merlin reckons the physician is more a danger to himself than to anyone else.

"Are you leaving?" he asks, observing the boxes of things Gaius is packing.

"Yes. This town ain't big enough for the two of us."

"Then I shall come with you," Merlin says gently.

"No you fucking won't. I shan't let you. Your place is in Camelot, with Arthur. And don't blush like that, because you're becoming even less subtle that Gwen."

"Where will you go?" the warlock asks.

"I don't know. The coast. I've got cash squirrelled away here and there. I'm a rich man, Merlin. I can go where I want."

"You can't leave."

"I fucking can. I'll be gone by tomorrow morning. Oh, don't look so upset. You've got a face like a puss' bottom."

"I am not going to let this happen," Merlin says stubbonly, running away.

"Hey, shit happens kid," Gaius slurs, knocking back the rest of the liquid in the bottle.

And so Merlin goes to seek out our favourite prince, in the hope of convincing him to help him.

Despite the fact that his chest is oh-so-visible through that shirt he sometimes wears, and the fact that he now has wonderfully tousled hair, Arthur proves to be less that useless, and Merlin convinces himself that the prince really cares for Morgana.

The fool. Especially as Edwin's about to put his evil plan into action.

Meanwhile, on the road out of Camelot, Gaius comes across Gwen.

"Oh, you can't leave," she says sadly.

"I would have said goodye, but I'm in a bit of a hurry." He gives her a knowing look, and Gwen nods. She's been in on his fraudulent schemes for years.

"I don't trust Edwin," she says. "There was no blood in her ear when I looked. He did something to her, and I don't stand for that sort of crap."

"You need to be careful who you say that to," he warns.

"You've been saying that to me for years," she laughs. "I'm not dead."

"Yet."

"Ever the optimist. You've got to do something though," she says. "I can't. Uther won't listen to me or Morgana. Arthur's lovely, but thick as two short planks, and I can't tell Merlin because he'll do something daft."

"I can't," he says. "I'm leaving."

"You can!"

"I have no choice."

"You always have a choice."

"Gwen, I haven't got time for your angry ranting now."

"You'll miss it when you're gone," she says sadly. She kisses him on the cheek.

"Hussy."

"Miser. Goodbye Gaius. When the revolution starts-"

"You better tell them I'm with you." He smiles, and plods off into the distance with his donkey.

*****

It's all happening now. Uther, having drunk the brew that Edwin has made for him, collaspes in a small heap.

Oh dear, the more sympathic among us think. Something's definitely afoot now.

Uther wakes to see Edwin hovering over him, murmuring quietly about his homicidal plans.

The creepie crawlie on Uther's pillow comes to life and trots slowly towards his ear.

"I long to hear you scream," Edwin says, "like they screamed."

Oh God, Uther thinks. Physicians. I should have just stuck with the fraudulent git.

*****

Edwin sweeps back into his chambers, in order that he can collect his bags and make a run for it.

"Stand and deliver," Gaius growls, from an alcove. "I'm not going to let you get away with this."

"Why?" Edwin asks. "You've never had a problem with letting people die before."

"Your parents weren't funding my research and retirement plan," Gaius says.

"And how do you plan on stopping me?"

Gaius breaks into some gentle Welsh [2], but it's not good enough. Edwin flings him against a wall and casts up a ring of fire. [3]

Meanwhile, Arthur has just found out that Uther has been given Morgana's brain disease. He leaps out on Merlin and orders him to go find Edwin.

He bursts into Edwin's chambers to find flames surronding Gaius.

"What's going on?" Merlin cries.

"What the fuck do you think is going on?" Gaius sighs. "Your perception skills are really terribly, Merlin."

"Together, with you at my side, we could rule this kingdom," Edwin cackles. "We could be all powerful."

"I only stand for one sort of power seizing," Merlin says. "And that's anarchic coups. Release him!"

"Your loss," Edwin sighs, and magics an axe to kill Merlin.

Bad move. Merlin can deal with axes. He sends it flying back at the evil one, splitting his skull.

The ring of fire dies down, leaving Gaius unscathed.

"Are you alright?" Merlin asks.

"You tossbag," Gaius says, giving him a wild look.

"Sorry?"

"We've got save Uther," he says.

And so the two of them make a mad dash for Uther's chambers, to save his brain from being nibbled away by an angry magical beetle.

"How do we get it out?" Merlin asks.

"Magic."

"We can't use magic on Uther!" he exclaims. "He'd kill us!"

"It's not like he's going to know," Gaius says. "Look, he's going grey. Hurry up, or he'll die."

And so kneeling on what he feels is the wrong Pendragon's bed, Merlin cups the kings ears and chants wildly in Welsh.

It works. The beetle comes out in his hands, and Merlin and Gaius look at it in amazment.

"Fucking brilliant," Gaius says happily.

*****

And so normality resumes in Camelot.

Uther continues being broody and vaguely homicidal, with Gaius at his side once more.

"I know I have forced you to things you have found difficult," the king says.

"You have always done what you thought was right," Gaius tells him.

And anyway, I've secured a safe place in Gwen's revolution, should anything go wrong with you, he thinks. I've got a back up plan on both sides.

"I am sorry I betrayed you," Uther says. "From now on, I will remember. In the fight against magic, you are the one man I can trust."

Oh the bitter and delicious irony. Oh indeed.

Uther rewards Gaius by giving him his job back and making him a free man.

"What does that mean?" Merlin asks.

"Some more of this bloody feudal crap," Gwen shrugs. "Clap anyway, it's good for Gaius."

"Am I not free then?"

"Obiviously not. Apartently, we need a certificate to be free, nowadays."

As Gaius and Merlin stroll through the streets of Camelot, savoring the afternoon sun, Gaius points out that it was Merlin that saved Uther, so should be Merlin getting the reward.

"I'm not bothered by that," Merlin says honestly. "What matters most was that you were prepared to lay down your life for the king's."

"Don't know where you got that idea from," Gaius chuckles. "I'm old and infirm. I don't have to agree to save anyone."

Merlin smiles to himself, because somewhere, in the inner most recesses of his heart, he suspects Gaius might just have some honourable alligences that can't be bought or betrayed by whiskey or turnips.

And that's a start.

Coming next time…

Is this start of properly Weepy!Morgana? Are all the beautiful women of Camelot psychopaths? And is this next installment poor excuse for A Midsummer Night's Dream, or a rip-off of a Torchwood episode?

Tune in next time to find out...

And also, my friend and I worked out that it's this episode coming that heralds the great beginning of the wild homoerotic undertone (as if we hadn't noticed them already). *dances wildly*

[1] French proverb I have stolen from a Jean Paul Sartre play. Mefiez-vous des placards, les murs sont cra-cra. There should be an accent in there somewhere. I copied out of some of my ancient English notes. No points for accuracy, at all.

[2] Welsh = language of all magic. Fact.

[3] My Maths teacher used to play this to my class, so I know all the words. Cool, yes?