A/N: I'm sorry this took awhile, but I had a bit of writer's block and then realized that a one shot that I wrote for Gilmore Girls (Drunken Sorrows) would fit so well here. This chapter is very angsty and rated R in relation to the rest of the story because it's a bit more intense. It's not really R, and there are no explicit sex scenes, but just know that it's angst. Thanks for reviewing!
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Chapter 7 - Hurts So Good
"How did we get here?" he asks quietly, voice laced with regrets and sorrow. He tries to remember what happened exactly. He regrets certain things – staying with Addison, not going after Meredith. But not loving her, that he could never regret.
"Derek…" He stiffens and shakes his head. Hearing her voice hurts. If he listens to her speak, he'll lose all momentum, and right now, he wants to keep the memory of the pain alive. "Derek, just yell. Please…"
The voice that answers used to be adorably cocky and happy, but time and broken dreams have made it harsh and bitter. He's become a master at building a wall around himself; Jack and Anna deserve better than him, so he does all he can do to try to be that better person.
But here, in the four walls of his room, the anger is palpable, and he's finally getting his shot at redemption, at making her understand the way he hurt.
"You want me to yell? I'll yell," Derek growls in frustration. His voice is strangely real to himself. He hasn't heard that assertion, not outside of the operating room, for years, and he struggles to remember that person.
She remembers. Something about his voice takes her back to those days before Jack and Anna were born, before left ventricular assist device wires were cut, before Addison had shown up. She knows that she can't change it now, but she wishes that they could go back to the beginning and do it right.
She whispers his name to herself. She knows about the sacrifices he made, knows that whatever he did to her doesn't begin to match what she did to him.
"You left. You left your parents, you left your work, you left your friends, you left your kids," he says, continuing with a snarl, "you left me." She doesn't know this voice, and part of her is glad. She wants to believe that things can still be repaired, wants to believe that she isn't the same person anymore.
"I know. I did a horrible thing. Derek…" she whispers, voice hoarse from exhaustion. She wonders, for a second, if they would be together now if she hadn't left.
There's a hint of something familiar in her voice, but he can't place it. He knows why. He doesn't like to remember the old days, the days when he thought that everything would work out.
"So, how have you been? I heard Karev followed you. You know, after breaking Addison's heart. Is that a theme for you guys? It should be," he sneers. Meredith cringes and doesn't bother to choke back her sob. His words cut into her and make her want to go back to Maine.
"It wasn't like that. You know that." He shakes his head and wipes his eyes, determined to finish this now.
"And now you're back. Just like that… wanting to fix everything. Maybe other people can forgive you that fast. I should walk out of here right now. I should, but…"
"But you won't. I know you, Derek. You're like a book. You're not going to walk away because you can't. That's why I knew they would be okay."
"You know me, do you? Do you know that I hated you? I hated you for not wanting to have a family with me. I hated you for leaving. I hated you for making me love you. I did love you, even if I didn't say it." He takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair. "I loved you. You left, and it fucking hurt, but I loved you." He laughs a bitter laugh. "Go open up my top dresser drawer, and look in the back."
She does, and she almost laughs when she sees the two bottles of tequila. Silently, she pulls the bottles out and brings them to the bed. He grabs a glass of water from his bedside and dumps the water on the floor, unceremoniously.
Together, they drink the first glass down slowly, but that's only the beginning. She's always been able to handle her liquor particularly well, but tonight, she's getting piss-drunk. She trusts that Addison will stay the night, keep an eye on Jack and Anna, and make sure no one robs them, so she doesn't even think about it as she throws back drink after drink.
He hates the taste of tequila. He's tried to acquire a taste for it, but he still hates it. Every drink he takes, he thinks about the past, about their past, and he knows she does too.
Finally, they decide they've had enough. They're sitting close now, and Derek even laughs at something Meredith says, but he doesn't know what. In a slurred voice, he suggests that they find his wallet. Luckily, that only means walking the short distance to the bathroom.
Together, they stumble along, laughing as they go. Finally, they fall onto the bed, and then he kisses her.
The
kiss is rough and bittersweet. He wants her, wants to have what he
should have had. She wants him, wants the one she always wanted.
Tonight is about recapturing the past and forgetting the present.
--
She's
never been one for whispering sweet nothings – after all, he's
the romantic – and tonight is no different. Instead, she says
everything that she wants to say.
"I love you. I'm sorry for everything I did that hurt you. I'm sorry for leaving you, for leaving Anna and Jack. I'm sorry I can't fix it."
He doesn't even know how much they'll remember from tonight, but he wants to savor it while he can. He says the things that have been weighing on him since she left, and it feels good to get it off her chest.
"I love you. I could have… I'm sorry I didn't try harder to keep you here. I'm sorry I didn't ask. I'm sorry for all the things that I didn't do with you."
There is a feeling of release between them after they've said their parts. Tonight is like an act; there are certain things that they must do and say. They both know that things will still be complicated after this night, but right now, they're truly content for the first time in years.
His breath against her neck is hot, but she doesn't mind. She loves the feel of his arms around her. She shivers as his fingertips run down her sides. She hates a part of herself for leaving, for not being the person that she should have been, but that's part of why she's here.
One of his hands runs through her hair, reveling in the careless moment. She's not the girl in the bar anymore, but then again, he's not that guy, and he finally thinks that's okay. Suddenly, she shifts and her hair is in his face. The smell of lavender is overwhelming.
For awhile, they're silent. He watches her as she looks out the window at the pouring rain. She glances at the clock and realizes that it's well past midnight now. She feels a twinge of pain in her chest thinking of what could have been. Tears begin to fill her eyes. When did things change? When did she lose it? She can't even pinpoint the turning point in her life, to this mess that she's in. She trembles and chokes out an audible sob as she turns to face him.
"I don't want to be this person. I never wanted to be the person that my mother was, who deserts her family," she cries. Inside, he cries for her. He doesn't know what to say, and he's not sure there is anything to say. This is what they have to deal with now.
"Nobody wanted you to be." She wasn't supposed to be that person, and he wasn't supposed to be this person. They both know that. Somewhere along the way, the transformation became irreversible. It became easier to exist without each other than to coexist in distance but be apart in every other sense of the word. He doesn't remember exactly what it was, when he stopped hoping, and maybe it was a progression of things. He'd like to think that it was all out of his control, but inside, he knows it wasn't.
"I thought it would be better for everybody. I thought it was the right thing." She sees her life now as things that she though. As she looks back, she can't help but think that everything she ever thought was fucking wrong. She thought she loved him; she knows she did. She thought she knew that she was doing the right thing; she didn't.
You didn't know any better, he wants to say. You didn't know you were doing the wrong thing. He knows about that. He wishes that he had put pride aside and gone after her, that he had never let her go in the first place when Addison had arrived.
"I know you did. I can't hate you for that, not now." As the words roll off his tongue, he thinks about how that must sound after everything he's said tonight, but this time, he means what he's saying.
"I hate me for that, and you should, too," she whispers. He doesn't say anything for a moment, soaking in the bitter and empty tone of her voice.
"You don't really think that, do you?" His voice has a slight crack to it, and he's glad the darkness hides the weathered and tired expression on his face.
"No, I know that. Do you know how long it's been since I talked to any of my friends? The ones who stuck by me?" He gives an almost imperceptible shake of his head.
"Five years. I haven't talked to them since I left, not really. Since I got here doesn't count. I don't… I don't know what they're like anymore. I drove them away, just like I drove you away. I wasn't there. I should have been there for you. Not just with Jack and Anna, but when Addison showed up. I should have been… more understanding."
"You didn't drive me away. I walked away. That was my mistake, not yours." She shakes her head stubbornly, and tears begin to fill her eyes again.
"I left. I walked away and said that it wasn't enough. I should have… I should have listened to you. You were hurting, and I walked away." Suddenly, they both know that she's not talking about when Addison showed up, not anymore. She shivers when his next words have a dangerously low tone.
"And I watched you do it. I could have, should have done something!" Could he have done something? It's another one of his eternal questions that he asks himself at night, when he sits alone in the dark. He wants to know what he could have done differently, what would have made her stay.
"But I could have changed things," she cries. "I could have made things right, could have done the right thing."
"It just makes us feel better if we talk about it like we have a do over."
"I want a do over. Every fucking day of my life, I want to fix things. Every time I think about you, every time I look at a picture of Jack and Anna, I want a do over. Do you know why? Why I didn't come back until now? I knew I had blown it a long time ago. I didn't… I didn't want to hurt them more. I blew it like I've blown every other good thing in my life." He stares at her, at her hurt eyes that only reflect pain and sorrow.
"What if you had tomorrow to do over?" She looks up and meets his eyes.
"I would get out of bed and believe in myself the way you always believed in me. I would… talk to the people that I hurt. I would remember what it was like to love you," she whispers. "And I'd do it again."
She
means it this time, and he knows it.
--
Finally,
she moves to get out of bed, but he grabs her hand.
"Stay with me," he says.
"What?" Her heart skips a beat as she remembers what they used to have, remembers a similar plea. Maybe it was then. Maybe that's when it all went downhill.
"Stay with me." She stares at him. Don't do this. Don't leave.
"I… I can't do that." You don't think you can do it, but you can. You can stay.
"What's holding you back? You're the only one holding yourself back. Meredith, please. Stay." A beat of silence falls between them. He's not even sure if she knows what's holding her back, but he wants her to know that he's ready to put everything behind him.
"Meredith, I know it's messy. I know it's… I know. But we need a chance to do this right. I need a chance to do this for Jack and Anna.
"Please, stay with me. This is your chance. This is our chance for a do over. You know, I missed it," he whispers. She shivers as he kisses her hair gently.
"Missed what?" He can barely speak as she sinks back in the pillows and stares at him with a look that gives him something like hope.
"The
smell of lavender."
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A/N:
Oh. I really love Drunken Sorrows, so rewriting it for this story
was so much fun. I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter because…
for me, it's kind of powerful. And there is so much more to come.
So… thoughts? Alex will reappear soon. Reviews are love.
